2 October 2009

Scott and his penis

A purring penis would be disturbing.

Yes, like... "Ah, what's that? Oh, its Scott's contented penis"

And that's not a phrase I want to hear very often. Though "Scott's contented penis" would be a good name for a band.

Well maybe "contented penis" remove the "Scott"

No, it has to be "Scott's contented penis". If you can have "Butthole Surfers" you can have "Scott's contented penis"

9 September 2009

Scott on James's excel goodness with dwarves

It needs to be said sometimes: damn I'm good.

After years of wondering I finally applied myself to working out how to make a column in an Excel spreadsheet automatically number itself so that a print-out will have row numbers, and have those row numbers appear automatically when new rows are added and (most importantly) not break when a row is deleted.

It took me ten minutes. I suppose I just got lucky on the Google searches and Excel help searches.

Amusingly, my solution is much better than Microsoft's official one, which breaks when you insert or delete rows in the middle of the list.

So yeah, I rock. I am Captain Excel!

Indeed, you are an excel god. Which means, of course, I'm going to pester you even more with inane questions.

I can tell you how to automatically number rows. :D

Which i actually need to know since I've been tasked with revising the monster spreadsheet I built for the cancellations team 2 years ago

see - there is a purpose to James going off and learning things about Excel

Indeedle. Now can he tell me why the previous updater of my once glorious spreadsheet decided to obscene things to it?

Foetal alcohol syndrome?

whoever it was was an idiot

Correct! A winner is you! George, what prize is our lucky contestant winning tonight?

Thank you Alfred, tonight's lucky winner a small psychotic angry dwarf that will stare balefully at him from under his desk while he works and occasionally bite his PC power cable.

I'll come back next week and see if I can win something that won't cause nightmares.

I knew we couldn't keep you off dwarves for long

I'm going to turn it into an internet meme

It will be huge, and dwarf all others...

*canned audience laughter* Well you can certainly try but we all know how likely that's going to happen on Shub-Niggurath's Wheel of Soul Destroying Torment, Australia's favourite quiz show!

"AAAAAaaaAAAAaAAArgh!!! Oh god make it stop! Make it stoooooop!!!"
"...is that your final answer?"

Scott and dwarves

Can we have a new PA please? Our current one is a sucky dwarven prima donna.

You and psychotics dwarves. It getting to become a habit.

I can give it up any time I like.

Don't make me stage an intervention...

I'm not addicted to psychotic dwarves! I just need them from time to time to get by, you know how it is...

It'll get to a point where you need one or two dwarves just to wake up in the morning. Next you'll be going to the horse races just to follow the jockeys around. You're on a downward spiral!

I only need one or two psychotic dwarves to get me started in the morning. Sure, I may occasionally need a another one round my midday, but I need psychotic dwarves to keep me on top of the game. They keep me sharp and in control. Hell, with the stresses people face in the cut throat world of bureuacracy I'm not the only one doing a little angry dwarf from time to time!

I hope you're at least using clean dwarves and not sharing them with others. You can pick up all sorts of nasty bugs doing that.

I only share my dwarves with people I know

I now has a nice clean desk, with no clutter, no junk and no dust - however, I will soon have to move around to my new desk (once Rachael packs up), and unpack all my junk and return to chaos

And dwarves, don't forget those.

how could I forget the dwarves?

You could if you had the shakes from psychotic dwarf withdrawal.

Remember the Dwarven Alamo!

*throttles James*

puhlease - no bad dwarf jokes...

What about good dwarf jokes?

there are any?

Why did the dwarf cross the road?

The torment Scott for its own nefarious purposes.

*Knock knock*.
"Who's there?"
"Psychotic dwarf."
"Psychodatic dwarf whoarrrrgggh!!!" *squelchy stabbing sounds*

22 July 2009

Scott attempts to quit his gym membership

And so the tortuous, kafka-esque process of having my Fitness First membership cancelled has begun...

"Hi, I'd like to cancel my membership. My account number is 3588201-"
"No! You are Number 6!"
"Uh... okay... well, anyway, my name is Scott-"
"Your name is Number 6!"
"Look, I just want to cancel my membership."
"You wish to leave us, Number 6?"
"Um... could I talk to someone else?"
"No! You will deal with me!"
"Okay, if you won't escalate to a supervisor, I'm going to make a complaint. What's your name?"
"I am the New Number 2."
"...you're called Number 2?"
"Kind of drew the short straw on that one, didn't you?"

Apparently I must speak personally to a Customer Service Manager, a fabled beast which apparently does not exist, or at least does not have easy access to a phone. Its possible the phone has been placed at the top of a very tall mountain and the Customer Service Manager must climb said mountain using only their wits, a spork and a narcolpetic angora rabbit as a pack animal as some kind of test of their commitment to being a Quality Customer Service Manager of Quality.

Yay, she made it to the top of the mountain and there was still enough movement in her near-frozen fingers to operate the phone! And apparently enough movement in her lips to be able to tell me that Fitness First requires 4 weeks notice of a cancellation and they'll still bill me twice more before the cancellation comes into effect. Apparently I should also be grateful that this means I can still use the gym for the next 4 weeks.

She should be grateful for your foot up her arse.

3 July 2009

Scott goes to see Transformers

I could just see myself in the audience, I'd be like a confused old man.

"Wait, what's happening? Who's that guy?"
"Scott, that's one of the Cheesicons, remember from earlier?
"But why's he look like the other guy?"
"He doesn't, look you can see the tiny cheese head logo on his chest plate. The other robot's got the little goat head icon."
"Which bits the chest plate? I can't tell if I'm looking at the back or the front! Why won't someone tell me what's happening?! Wait, are we in Egypt now? I thought we were in Paris. Why does Paris have pyramids?"

1 July 2009

Scott writes a farewell speech...

Um. I have to prepare a 'certificate of appreciation' for one of my staff who's decided to take VR, detailing her work history and the sort of person she is. Only, she's been on long term sick leave for about 2 years now (ongoing cancer treatment) and I've never actually supervised her, nor even met her. This will be interesting.

"[Departing staff member] may or may not have been an excellent employee with a distinguished/appalling career in [insert department of choice]. I have known this staff member for zero years and can personally attest to her amazing ability to do many unspecified things. It is with great sadness that we wave farewell to her and we know that the hole left by her permanent absence will undoubtedly be greater than the hole left by her temporary absence."

16 June 2009

Scott is a poet...

Clearly your train being a tad late didn't matter too much

Does any of it matter in the great scheme of things?
*drinks absinthe*
*writes dreary poetry*

Greyness pervades my everlasting soul.
Death! Blackness and death!
I am but porridge in the bowl of truth;
your spoon is cold.

14 June 2009

29 May 2009

Scott visits Nigeria...


My name is Nkware Gamba, I am a Prince of the royal house of Gabon, and I urgently need your help to transfer $10millllion dollars out of my country!!11!!eleventy!!!

If you are kind enough to assist me, I shall be pleased to pay you a fee of $50000 dollarrs Euro!!!1! Please, for this I must have from you some bank details and your name!! Also, your addresS!! Also, your eldest daughter!!! Also, your favourite pop albums from the 1980s!!eleventy!! Also, wooden boat not less than 40ft long and not less than 10 feets wide!! Also, a small troupe of performing weasels trained to perform Glengarry Glen Ross!! Also, the secret of fire!! If these things you provide to me I shall be pleased to give you $5000 Euro dollarsss US!!@!!!

26 May 2009

Scott and the sea shanties

Its sea shanty time!

ooooooooooooh, I am a public servant
and I sail the bull shit sea!
I wrap things up in bright red tape
and rubber stamp your head with glee!

Fifteen visas on a public servant's desk

Thar she blows! Policy whale off the starboard bow!

down among the dead applications...

Oh, I'll file ye letter all right... I'll file it in Davy Jones's Locker...

20 May 2009

Scott determines name changes

"Its says here you wish to change your name from.... Siddie Fartenbarry. Is this correct?"
"And that you wish to change it to.... Brassiere Hyperconundrum."
"You don't consider your choice of name unusual?"
"Compared to Fartenbarry?"
"Point taken. This request is approved."

Scott is a philosophical humanist...

I couldn't work with her, she's nuts as far as I am concerned.

And not in the entertaining "lets build a giant robot to take over the world" kind of nuts either.

Which I find extremely disappointing.

There's not enough of the kind of nuts around these days, everyone's always so serious when they go crazy now.

Where are my giant robots?

You've managed to encompass the entire human condition into that one question.

13 May 2009

Scott suffers a warp core breach...

So [co-worker] calls in to say he's sick and is seeing the doctor later today. That's cool. But then he expands...

"I want him to, um, check out these lumps."

*danger, Will Robinson! danger!*

"I think they might be those things, you know, um, haemorrhoids."

*Cap'n, we've taken a direct hit!*

"And well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm thinking they might be responsible for a, uh, smell that kinda... wafts around my desk."

*shields failed, hull breach critical! We're going down!*

"Hehe, sorry, let me know if I've given you too much information."

*Sir, we've a report from sector 9. The SS Enterscott has gone down.
Rescue crews state there are no survivors.*

28 April 2009

Scott names a pony...

[During a discussion about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.]

I don't think that War's horse would be called War... probably something along the lines of "Crushing hooves of dispair"

probably Spot, unless Mrs War had a hand in naming him, of course

It's called George, after George Michael. War is a massive Wham fan.

14 April 2009

Scott fences some goods

Can I interest you in my sharp 'n' shiny wares? Guaranteed perfect for stabbing morons, idiots, nongs, wankers, peabrains, arseholes, noodle noggins, cabbage brains, dickheads, tosspots, f&$@tards and synapse bandits everywhere. You'd pay a fortune for these in any high street store but this is your lucky day as these little beauties have recently fallen off the back of a truck and are looking for a new home.

6 April 2009

Scott knows about squirrels...

[Upon encountering a conversation about football...]

Gah, football. I'm about as excited as squirrel finding an oboe in his horde of nuts. (Its common knowledge that squirrels have high disdain for wind instruments.)

11 March 2009

Scott has a superpower...

I was told, "Oh I'm sorry Scott, we just assumed you knew...."
Yes indeed, apparently I am famed for siphoning information out of the ether with my long feather-like feelers attached to my head
*twitches feelers*
Oh my god! Pamela Anderson has been awarded the Nobel prize for chemistry!

I think your feelers need calibrating.

*twitches feelers*
yes.....she was awarded the prize for....practical applications of silicon products, specifically in relation to the enlumpenment of the human body

8 March 2009

Scott is a car critic...

[Looking a possible new cars for a friend to buy.]

Corollas are okay. They're well-built. They also mean that you've stopped having sex and you're just waiting to die.

25 February 2009

Scott imagines fish

After discussing this fish

Its socially ostracised by all the other fish.
F1: "Dude, I hope you didn't invite Gary to the party tomorrow..."
F2: "God no. Have you seen his head? Its, like, so gross."
F1: "Tell me about it, you can see, like, everything. It makes me sick just thinking about it."
F2: "Yeah, its....shit man, here he comes."
F3: "Bruce, Barry, wazzuuuuuup?"
F1: "Oh hey Gary."
F3: "So what are you guys up to? What's going down in your world? Yo bros, f'shizzle me rizzle! "
F1: "Nothing much, just waiting for something dead to drift by."
F3: "Yeah? Well I can't be hanging around jerking off with you guys all day, I gotta go find me some hos!"
F1: "See ya."
F2: "...........you know, that whole transparent head thing, I think its just a distraction."
F1: "What, you mean like he's trying to distract us from the fact he's a jerk?"
F2: "Yep. Come on, let's go find some weeds to swim in and out of."

Scott searches for the submersible helpdesk

"Hey, have you seen the tech support guys? I need some help."
"No, they've disappeared. Seem to have dropped off the sonar altogether."
"Sonar? Don't you mean radar?"
"Not with these guys. Keep an eye out for the periscopes, its the only way to track them but they can be difficult to spot."

19 February 2009

Scott writes a letter

"Dear Secretary,

Your Department sucks. Seriously. It's like a ball bearing factory run by a bunch of hyper caffeinated inbred weasels. The incessant squealing is only drowned out by the sounds of things falling over and breaking. If you don't rein in your horde of furry insanity I'll come after you with a paperclip, some glue and a rubberband and show you just what I learnt from watching MacGyver.

Your sincerely

The Bringer of the End Times"

Scott has James as the Incredible Hulk

Indeed, James must be like the incredible Hulk tomorrow for the road trip.

"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
"Hulk know, Hulk not care. Hulk driving puny car!"
"Well I can tell you that you were greatly exceeding the speed limit. What do you have to say about that?"
"Hulk smash puny speed limit! Hulk leave puny humans in puny dust!"
"Ok, now I could give you a fine for this. Can you afford a fine?"
"Nooo, Hulk no have pockets in puny shorts, coins all gone. Hulk sad."
"All right then, so I'm going to let you off with a warning this time. Slow down. Next time I won't be so lenient."
"Hulk sorry, Hulk drive puny car like grandmother instead."
"Excellent. I'd also suggest changing your music from Tool to Cliff Richard, its slower and less aggressive."
"GRAAARGHH!! Hulk smash puny policeman!"

17 February 2009

Scott writes the snoozy dance

Now I have the "Safety Dance" song in my head.

"We can snooze if we want to
we can leave your work behind
'cause you need to snooze and if you don't snooze
well you're just going to die."

16 February 2009

Scott Newsroom

"In shocking news today James D stated that the "old MP3 is the audio layer from v2" while apparently of the belief that what he was saying was off the record. World leaders have unanimously expressed shock and outrage at these appalling sentiments and the Vatican press office released a statement at noon stating that the Pope hoped Mr D would burn in media file hell and may his dangly bits be used as shuttlecocks in games of demonic badminton."

Scott investigates corruption

"Major-General Anderson? I wonder if you could spare me a a few minutes of your time to answer some questions?"
"I'm a very busy man these days you know, but sure. Shoot."
"I'm from the DA's office and I'd like to talk about some money that went missing while you were in charge of it in Iraq. Quite a lot of money actually."
"Nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, son. I did my bit to help rebuild that nation for the greater glory of God himself."
"Yes well, we can't help noticing that the $500 million that was sent your way seemed to just.....disappear."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean there doesn't appear to be any new hospitals or sewers or roads or schools or houses or, well, anything."
"Well you can't just start building from scratch you know. There's plans that need doing, and land to clear, and builders to pay and the like."
"Uh-huh. I can't help noticing that since your retirement from the military that you've built yourself a $500 million dollar mansion."
"Mansion?! Good golly boy, it ain't no mansion! Just a quiet little bungalow for the wife and myself."
"It has 60 bedrooms and an indoor monster truck track."
"Uh...no it doesn't."
"Yes it does."
"No, no, doesn't sound like my house at all"
"We're standing in front of it."
"Uh....no we're not."
"You just walked out of it."
".......well ok, maybe it is my house, but I paid for it and built it out of my own money!"
"You built a $500 million house from your military salary?"
"Sure I did...."
"Well you see its......made from recycled material that we, uh, scrounged from the local community and....garbage dumps."
"You're saying you just found stuff to make your house out of?"
"Uh, yes. Yes indeed!"
"Enough stuff to build a 60 bedroom little bungalow?"
"And furnish it too, of course."
"......all recycled...."
"And you just happened to find a 5ft solid gold statue of yourself carrying a suitcase full of money out of Baghdad, which I can't help noticing appears to be the central item of interest in your front lawn."
"......would you believe it was a gift from a grateful Baghdad populace?"
"Oh. Listen, maybe we can cut a deal? If you give me, say, $100 million will you turn a blind eye?"
"Wait, are you suggesting I pay you a bribe to keep me from investigating you?"
"Sure, that's how it worked in Iraq!"
"Ok, I think I need to arrest you now before you do something bad, like breed."

"So where did all the construction money go?"
"Well like I said there were plans, equipment...uh....land to be cleared....workers to train and pay...and uh.....other stuff... Catering! We had to buy food for everyone, all the workers. Like.....tuna sandwiches and stuff..."
"You spend $500 million on tuna sandwiches?"
"Well I'm told there were other types of fish too."
"Such as?"
"Um.........salmon? That's a kind of fish, isn't it?"
"So you spent $500 million on tuna and salmon sandwiches to feed a workforce that we've found no record of you actually employing who used equipment you hadn't bought to clear land that didn't need clearing to construct buildings that were never built?"
"Well when you say it like that of course it's going to sound bad!"
"So how should I say it?"
"We spent $500 million on good will gestures! Community outreach programs! Nation building! Social improvement networks! Synergised neighbourhood experincalisation opportunities!"
"Paying your bank account manager."
Paying my bank acc - wait, not that one."

12 February 2009

Scott bitches about IT infrastructure

OH good god, can we please have a network that isn't outpaced by snails?

I was just overtaken by a snail driving a lamborghini. The snail was wearing sunglasses and had a scarf blowing in the wind.

[after a brief discussion about religion]

Purgatory is being stuck with a computer network where apparently individual bits of information are transported through pipes by gerbils with short term memory disorders.

...and you need to appeal to Bill Gates for an indulgence to escape purgatory.

Somewhere in your department an Ent is sitting at a PC, tapping his twig-like fingers on an over-sized desk, and muttering, "Hoom, hom, what the f--k is taking so long, hoom hoom?"

He was doing that for a while, but then he died of old age. Since then the squirrels that were living in his branches have had time to evolve a technologically advanced society that remarkably enough does not contain any computers whatsoever. All their calculations are derived from complex manipulation of walnuts.

Scott entertains himself on a Saturday night...

You laugh at Australia's Funniest Home Videos? I cry. I cry tears of blood for the lost dignity of humanity and the ever-deepening sea of ignorance and despair.
Then I strip naked, grease myself up with warm butter, put a tricorn hat on my head, declare myself Napoleon, Emperor of the Wastelands and Saviour of the Five Cheeses and play Rock Band all night. Ah Saturday nights, you are my sole remaining joy.

22 January 2009

Scott is a depraved David Attenborough

Suckbeast (also known colloquially as the '5 Dollar Sucky-Sucky')

One of the more unusual creatures adventurers might encounter in their travels is the suckbeast. Resembling a small squat, pink elephant on short, stumpy legs with a wide trunk that ends in a pair of extremely large bright red lips, the suckbeast might be a target for mirth if not for its debilitating suck attack. Latching its lips onto any exposed part of the adventure, the suckbeast will proceed to 'suck' the target's life force, forcing an immediate save vs Fortitude - failure will deprive the target of 2d12 hitpoints and render him/her unconcious until the end of the encounter. Fortunately the suckbeast has no other significant attacks and its slow rate of movement combined with a very low AC makes it an easy target. Its sole defence is its "Big Brown Puppy Dog Eyes" ability, which when used forces to the attacker to make a save vs Will, failure resulting in the attacker taking a -2 to hit for the rest of the encounter and engendering huge feelings of guilt in the attacker.