17 January 2014

Scott on the heatwave

The BBC Natural History unit presents an excerpt from its next epic production, Life in the Heater:

As the heat rises on the concrete plains of the Melbourne savannah we see the inhabitants struggling to cope.  Herds of the Common Australian Hipster, who rarely range outside the inner city boundary, now flock in large numbers to pop-up bars and artisanal cafes, vibrant oases of micro-brewed beer and fair trade coffee.  Generally a placid species, they now find themselves gathering in large numbers around limited resources and conflicts arise.  The males face off, flashing their vibrant facial hair at each other while making threat calls of emerging and obscure band names.  While physical conflict is rare, so much energy is expended in beard growth that the loser will often collapse onto the nearest ironic beanbag for days at a time.

On the outskirts of the plains, were resources are fewest, mobs of Greater Bogans suffer in the conditions.  The males suffer the most; their usual occupation of gathering around a V8 engine with beer in paw and grunting in appreciation is ill-suited for the heat.  As the temperatures peak they find themselves consuming more and more beer, rapidly consuming the available supply.  Once the beer is gone, the males stagger out to into the open with much belching and cries of “BLAARGHAAARGHYAAHFUUCKINPOOFARRGH”, randomly striking each other and, in some cases random objects.  Pre-occupied with the search for more beer, the become easy prey for hunting packs of Police, who descend on the mobs with much flailing of nightsticks.  Soon the sounds of the Bogan mobs are drowned out by the howling “You have the right to an attorney” calls of the Police packs.