30 September 2008

Scott and biscuits

I'm cursing him for taking the last Iced Vovo.

No, I took the Iced Volvo. The Iced Vovo developed sentience over night and escaped.

I am a progressive modern man, but one thing I cannot abide is sapience in baked good. Next thing you know they'll be wanting the vote, too, and shipping hordes of their crummy little relatives over
here to steal our jobs and soak up our tea.

And then we'll have hordes of single mother biscuits having billions of crumbly offspring and expecting the state to pay for them! We'll be surrounded in delinquent monte carlos, graffitin' our cars and setting fire to our shrubbery!

Who knows where it'll end? Jatz crackers stored in the same tin as Honey Jumbles! Tim Tams with weird, foreign "limited edition flavours"!

more likely animal crackers in our soup

And they'll breed with our regular, wholesome, native biscuits! We'll get Scotch Finger Oreos and Kingstons with marshmallow chips and Anzac biscuits with a Turkish Delight filling! Its not right! I didn't fight in two baked goods wars to come home and find that someone's been diddling with my Mixed Assortments!

29 September 2008

Scott gives the greatest of gifts...

"And you, my faithful peon, who stood beside me while all around was flame and ouchiness, to you I give the greatest gift of all!"

"My leige, I am not worthy!"

"I give you this, my short and hairy peasant: a small wheel of elderly cheese!"


"I see you have been rendered speechless by my magnificent gift, oh unpleasantly fragrant one."

"......cheese? You've given me cheese?"

"Indeed I have, faithful servant of little brain!"

"After everything I did for you? A fucking wheel of cheese? I fought offthe Hordes of Crotchless-Pantied Nether-Demons for you! I led the charge when we raided Castle Ick while you sheltered in a nunnery disguised as a grandmother! I toppled the Great Tower of G'Ath'Ath'Ack'l'Ath, burnt the city of Sleem and razed the temples of Omnommer the Devourer! I slew the great daemon Unchwunter Klebullous the Splatulent! All of this I did for you! And now you give me cheese?!"

"Yes! Truly your deeds make you worthy of this fine small piece of tasty milk curdlings!"


"Argh indeed, my almost-friend, argh indeed!"

23 September 2008

Scott's a radio DJ

[after James complains about the quality of music in his office]

"It's quarter past 10, you're listening to radio 3 Triple Crud and that was Poseur with their new hit "Argh My Brain it Went Sploosh". Coming up next 3 hours of non-stop Nickelback because you requested it! Well actually you didn't but we don't care because the music companies bought everyone at the station ferraris just so we'd play their mass produced tripe. Ha-hah! And now, 40 minutes of screaming obnoxious ads, brought to you by Coke, because we have no soul!"

10 September 2008

Scott's Coallition of Concerned Citizens Against James's wrongness

[James is given a list of things to do, numbered 1, 2, 4, and 5 - item 3 is missing.]

Step 3 has been censored by the Coallition of Concerned Citizens Against James' Wrongness.

South Australian Attorney General Michael Atkinson has allowed the release of this censored version of step 3 for Australian audiences:

3) [blacked out] goats [blacked out] big bucket of [blacked out] Amanda Vanstone [blacked out] and will likely never return to its original size.

Coalition spokesperson Reginald Twitlock had this to say about today's release of a heavily ensored Step 3:

"While its clear a small number of words have been blacked out by the Attorney General's office, there's still enough there to fill in the blanks! Its an outrage! Wrongness such as this should not be allowed in a decent, god fearing society! If I was in charge we'd burn them all at the stake! Think of the children!"

In response, the media liaison representative from the Wrong James Foundation called Mr Twitlock and the rest of the CCCAJW a "bunch of twats." The Attorney General's office would not comment.