9 December 2011

Scott mourns the death of his special spreadsheet

I am in love with a tentacled starbeast called G'runtleth'up that compels me to worship it and offer sacrifices to it of my own free will and has nothing to do with the ethereal ichor tentacle it has plunged into my brain. All will love G'runtleth'up and die!

you're still all cut up about the tragic death of your spreadsheet, aren't you?

Its clone just doesn't feel the same. Oh sure, it looks the same and does the same things and works just as well....but it doesn't feel the same. Its a Midwich cuckoo spreadsheet.

29 August 2011

Scott explains Moron

After discussing James's ability to speak Moron...

James: "Hi, yes, its about the email you just sent out, can you explain it a bit more clearly please?"
IT Support: "Whut?"
James: "*sighs* Email sending you me has no smart. Means whut whut?"
IT Support: "Ugh. Email says you no have magic thinking box gogo. Me fix!"
James: "Why magic thinking box has no gogo?"
IT Support: "Baaaad juju. Sacrifice for magic thinking box sky god! Must have squiggle!"
James: "Whut whut squiggle?"
IT Support: "Squiggle! On paper! Say 'you for have magic thinking box working now, is ok!'"
James: "Oh, so if I sign the form then I can get access to the software?"
IT Support: "Whut?"

18 August 2011

Scott wants his colleagues to go away

Ok, enough of this. If you're an investigator and you can't investigate our own systems to get the information you need then its probably time you looked for a job more suited to your skills. Like maybe as a street light.

Investigator: "I can't find any records for this business!"
Me: "Really? I searched [records management system] and there's over a hundred records in there."
Investigaor: "I can't find any of them! You're lying!"
Me: *sends screendump* "Look. 134 records found just using a simple name search. Could be more if you do some more complex searches."
Investigator: "Oh. Well. I can't find the person linked to the business in [client management system]! It doesn't exist!"
Me: *sighs* "Run an address search on the business. Have a look at the names that turn up linked to that address."
Investigator: "I don't really know how to do address searches."
Me: "Oh look, they're replacing a street light outside. Why don't you go down and pretend to be one?"
Investigator: "Yaaay! I'm a street light! Woowoowoo!"

12 August 2011

Scott's work email gets to be too much

Tempted to put the following automated reply on my work email to cope with the huge torrent of incoming emails. Perhaps it will reduce the flood:
"Your email has been waylaid by pirate marmosets who are demanding a ransom before they release it. I consider their price too steep. Negotiations are expected to be long. Do not expect a quick reply to your email. Do not try calling me to obtain progress regarding the pirate marmoset negotiations as they have seized that as well and have figured out how to throw faeces down the phone line. Do you want phone faeces? I didn't think so. Do not attempt come to my desk either, for they watch it constantly with their beady little marmoset eyes and will react with extreme violence. Do not anger the marmosets. We live in dangerous times. Fear the wrath of the pirate marmoset."

22 July 2011

Scott writes a job ad

"The weasel uprising has begun; do you have the elite cheese skills to compete and win in a world overrun by weasels? We are looking for an experienced mustelid wrangler, with at least 5 years experience as a pasta burgler and with knowledge of IT systems such as Spork+, WangMountain, and Unix BeardOS. We are offering an enticing remuneration package with target-based bonuses of peculiar proportions. If you fit the bill (note: weasels do not have bills) forward your CV to our automated response bot for consideration."

Scott is having a bad day

Rebecca: I'm certainly not going to spend my time at work until just before Nigel's birthday dinner... so thought it'd be nice to go to a pub or cafe somewhere... and have a drink or two before dinner. Elephant and Wheelbarrow at 5pm good for people?

Scott: I may be there as early as 3:30 depending how the rest of this day goes. You can drag me to dinner if I've drunk myself under the table by then.

Rebecca: So, having a fun day then Scott darling?

Scott: It started as a barrel of monkeys. Then the monkeys died. Then the barrel started to smell. Then the dead monkey residue leaked from the barrel into the water supply for the nearby orphanage and all the orphans died rather horribly.

24 May 2011

Scott does not has

Excitable employee: "Look! Look! We has found a frauds! Yay! We can has investigate!"
Me: "Hmmmm....no, you cannot has."
Excitable employee: "Cannot has?? But, but....is frauds!"
Me: "Cannot has. Is lame frauds. Is unimportant frauds. Has better things to do."
Excitable employee: *pouty face*

10 February 2011

Scott writes a letter

Dear Ms Arse-Marmot,

Thank you for your ignorant screed of 08/02/2011. Had you chosen a boyfriend without a criminal history longer than Shane Warne's love letters to himself and the intelligence of a festering arse boil, you wouldn't be facing the prospect of the love of your wasted life having his arse kicked all the way back to Ireland, but you did so sucks be to you. Seriously, did he honestly think he could get away with it? Have you drunken goat fondlers not heard of facial recognition software? Pah. Get off my damn rug and take your noxious oozings with you.

Love and cheeriness
Mr F&$k You With Goats
Dept of Monkeys