29 May 2009

Scott visits Nigeria...


My name is Nkware Gamba, I am a Prince of the royal house of Gabon, and I urgently need your help to transfer $10millllion dollars out of my country!!11!!eleventy!!!

If you are kind enough to assist me, I shall be pleased to pay you a fee of $50000 dollarrs Euro!!!1! Please, for this I must have from you some bank details and your name!! Also, your addresS!! Also, your eldest daughter!!! Also, your favourite pop albums from the 1980s!!eleventy!! Also, wooden boat not less than 40ft long and not less than 10 feets wide!! Also, a small troupe of performing weasels trained to perform Glengarry Glen Ross!! Also, the secret of fire!! If these things you provide to me I shall be pleased to give you $5000 Euro dollarsss US!!@!!!

26 May 2009

Scott and the sea shanties

Its sea shanty time!

ooooooooooooh, I am a public servant
and I sail the bull shit sea!
I wrap things up in bright red tape
and rubber stamp your head with glee!

Fifteen visas on a public servant's desk

Thar she blows! Policy whale off the starboard bow!

down among the dead applications...

Oh, I'll file ye letter all right... I'll file it in Davy Jones's Locker...

20 May 2009

Scott determines name changes

"Its says here you wish to change your name from.... Siddie Fartenbarry. Is this correct?"
"And that you wish to change it to.... Brassiere Hyperconundrum."
"You don't consider your choice of name unusual?"
"Compared to Fartenbarry?"
"Point taken. This request is approved."

Scott is a philosophical humanist...

I couldn't work with her, she's nuts as far as I am concerned.

And not in the entertaining "lets build a giant robot to take over the world" kind of nuts either.

Which I find extremely disappointing.

There's not enough of the kind of nuts around these days, everyone's always so serious when they go crazy now.

Where are my giant robots?

You've managed to encompass the entire human condition into that one question.

13 May 2009

Scott suffers a warp core breach...

So [co-worker] calls in to say he's sick and is seeing the doctor later today. That's cool. But then he expands...

"I want him to, um, check out these lumps."

*danger, Will Robinson! danger!*

"I think they might be those things, you know, um, haemorrhoids."

*Cap'n, we've taken a direct hit!*

"And well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm thinking they might be responsible for a, uh, smell that kinda... wafts around my desk."

*shields failed, hull breach critical! We're going down!*

"Hehe, sorry, let me know if I've given you too much information."

*Sir, we've a report from sector 9. The SS Enterscott has gone down.
Rescue crews state there are no survivors.*