30 July 2007

Scott is not James

I created a blog for James last night. http://insane-wisdom.blogspot.com

He said he wasn't Scott. And he's right, he's not Scott...
because Scott is sitting over there looking not like James.

I look not like James all the time. I am not a looking-like-James demon.

*imagines a looking-like-James angel*

that'd be the angel of Lego Star Wars on PS3

Scott you are an odd man

God: "Angel James, why have you not taken up your fiery sword and met the hosts of Lucifer on the plains of Armageddon?"
Angel James: "Yeah, I'm going to I just need to get the last few parts of the land speeder."
God: "Are you playing a computer game? Now? While the final war is waged against the forces of darkness?"
Angel James: "Well.....no... yeah....but I've been trying to finish this level for ages and I keep getting stuck on this ledge between the two droids this moving floor bit."
God: "....have you tried become R2D2 and flying across the gap?"
Angel James: "Yes. D'uh. The droids just shoot me. And I need to cross the gap to get the last part."
God: *picks up second controller* "Hang on, I'll join in and we'll try working as a team."
[Lucifer storms in]
Lucifer: "Hah! I have defeated your armies, God, and now I shall slay y-… wait, is that Lego Star Wars?"
God and Angel James: "Yes."
Lucifer: "That game rocks. Hey, have you got a third controller?"

And thus ended the final war between heaven and hell, thanks to the distracted Angel of Lego Star Wars.

17 July 2007

Scott is trippy

the golden ducks are talking to me i can hear their words they speak the words from the Tibetan Book of the Names of the Dead my hands have drifted away on an eddy of trout ohgodmytoeshaveturnedintoscreamingpygmies!

Scott is melodramatic

I added many new bits to the Scott blog.

how can there be many new bits?? there were no more bits left! you pack of vampires had sucked all my bits dry and left nothing but a drained a dessicated bit-less me lying on the floor! GIVE ME BACK MY BITS YOU BASTARDS!

16 July 2007

Scott works hard

blog blog blog all day long. toiling away in the blog mines in 12 hour shifts, mining the precious blog material. filling the blog ships with the precious material to be exported around the world and sold on the international blog markets. yes, it truly is a blog driven economy.

Scott is a lunatic prophet

the gods of lunacy have smiled upon your husband

Scott doesn't like spiders

you suck with eight hairy legs of arachnid doom.

Scott writes a ministerial response (with some help)

Mmmm ministerials. I am currently attempting to find the right language that allows me to stick the boot into this person but in as polite and diplomatic way as possible, yet still making it absolutely clear that he's not going to get what he wants and that he should stop writing letters to us. So far I've re-written each paragraph 3 or 4 times.

"please go away you annoying specimin of slime before I find some domestos to dissolve you"

Possibly not diplomatic enough.

"I am going to ask you to please fuck off and die, but in order to save my time and yours I would like you to imagine that I made the request in a carefully-worded and entirely diplomatic way which none the less made it prefectly clear that I do indeed want you to fuck off and die."

I can imagine the reply to that right now.

"Surely Natural Justice principles entitle me to seek review of your recommendation for me to f--k off and die. I am appalled that legislation allows you to even consider recommending an Australian citizen of 68 years to f--k off and die. If you do not allow me to seek review of your decision at the F--k Off And Die Tribunal I will be forced to go to the media.

Yours Sincerely
Mr Repugnant Monkey Scrotum"

"I know it's a popular technique among bratty two-year-olds to continue asking for what they want until their parents get so frustrated that they give in to the obnoxious toddler's demands. Thankfully, most people grow out of this habit and learn to accept when the thing they are asking for is not possible or practical. You seem to still be in the bratty toddler mindset. Well, you know what? It won't work. Send all the whiny letters you like and you continue to get the same f--king response, though if this continues you may find it being delivered wrapped around a brick."

Mind you, it'd be a brick designed by a government bureaucracy, so it probably be a kilometer long, made of tofu and must be delivered by hand by courier with a high security classification.

"Can it be called something other than 'brick'? It's just that there's a popular song of that name that some believe is about abortion, and that's a politically sensitive topic that we would prefer to avoid. Could we perhaps call it a Requisitioned Construction Ceramic?"

"And we're under some budgetary pressures, so we've had restrict the colour options to just one. We hired some consultants and they've submitted their final version of the RCC Colour Selection Project, to which senior management have agreed wholeheartedly with its recommendations because consultants know more than you. Therefore the RCC will only be availble in the colour "Beige Bird of Paradise Embarking on a Journey to Conquer the Congo River by Paddleboat". We feel this best reflects the values of the Department."

"There was also some discussion on whether the RCC should be thrown overhand, underhand, or with the use of a mechanised throwing device. As the initial meetings on this topic ended without agreement being reached, the responsibility for deciding upon a throwing method has been delegated to a Throwing Method Special Committee. We are currently canvassing the department to seek committee members and expect that the selection process should be complete in three to four weeks. The TMSC will then seek public comment and meet four times over the course of two months, before a final meeting at which the throwing technique will be officially settled upon."

i sit here in front of my Ministerial and wonder how I can make "no, you're not getting what you want ever, not even if you wait a billion years for the sun to explode and the world to be over-run by a race of super-intelligent cockroaches that build a thriving society based on a combination of the Westminster political system, the Dewey Decimal library cataloguing system and the Scottish highland games" more obvious and easier to understand.

Scott is a (not so) benevolent dictator

ideally i should be in charge and have my own death squads under my command. then you'd see some improvements.

We'd certainly see a whopping 1200% increase in death squad efficiency.

death squads have been failing to meet target quotas for years. this situation is intolerable.

Scott is political

i think even the NSW state government is better than this one, and they're still dragging their knuckles on the ground when they walk and communicate via grunts and flashing their red backsides at each other.

Scott is a sook

it is my right to sook. it's in the Scott [surname] Whining Act of 1973. Section 127(3)(a) states quite clearly that "the subject shall be allowed to sook about those subjects as specified by Gazette Notice, subject to subsections 127(4) and 127(5)"

13 July 2007

Scott's soul

i have no sins. i am an innocent, sweet angel that brings joy and healing to all those around him.

you just made me snort

and apparently also brings snorts to all those around him.

12 July 2007

Scott can type

I've just realised that I've misspelt "workshop" through most of the decision record I'm writing and have written "wokshop" in its place. So now it sounds like this IT business is a small chinese restaurant...

Scott and friends rewrite the classics

[Michelle showed us this article about modernising nursery rhymes. Chaos ensued.]

The Grand Old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
Then he marched them down again

And they got upset by all this pointless marching and the Grand Old Duke was a victim of friendly fire...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Reminded Humpty that he should have paid more attention to the OH&S posters dotted around his workplace.

Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie
And when the pie was opened, the birds began to sing
And the cook was found gassed to death in the kitchen because the oven was Smeg!

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
But let's try not to think about the fact that this used to be a glacier.

Mary Mary quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And a few other things that got me locked up.

The other day upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish ASIO would f--king well leave me alone!

It's raining, it's pouring,
The old man is snoring.
He bumped his head on the side of the bed,
And thus began a really unconvincing "amnesia" plot in 24.

Hickory dickory dock
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The mouse base-jumped down
And was escorted away by police when he landed.

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder why our SETI programme has so far turned up bugger all.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill was found to have been acting in self-defence and got off with a warning.

Ding dong dell
Pussy's in the well.
Who put him in?
Little Timmy Finn.
Who pulled him out?
Representatives of PETA.

a pocket full of poseys
a-tishoo a-tishoo
we all caught SARS on that bloody shopping trip to Hong Kong

twinkle twinkle little star
Now I know just what you are
A piece of rusting rocket case
A rubbish dump, in outer space

Pussycat pussycat where have you been?
I've been to London to visit the queen.
Pussycat pussycat what did you there?
I saw the queen get married to his long-time partner David Furnish.

My mother said
I never should
Play with the gypsies in the wood
If I did
She would say
"I just hope you haven't caught any nasty social diseases from that bunch of ratbags"


If I did she would say,
"Isn't it wonderful living in such a multicultural melting pot." ...through gritted teeth.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn't keep her.
He put her in a pumpkin shell
which due to the wonders of modern genetic engineering was able to house her and her extended family quite comfortably

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
and a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl
and was promptly arrested for possession and use of crack cocaine

Simple Simon met a pieman
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"All right this a fucking robbery! If any of you fucking pigs move I'll execute every mother fucking last one of you!"

(with apologies to Quentin Tarantino)

An alternative...

Simple Simon met a pieman
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Are these organic?"

Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor
Rich man, poor man, beggar man, lawyer

Yankee Doodle came to town
a-ridin' on a pony;
declared himself the king of pimps and had his pony tricked out with a full low-rider setup, spinners and and a pair of 1500 watt subwoofers

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat.
Please put a penny in the old man's hat.
If you haven't got a penny,
A ha'penny will do.
If you haven't got a ha'penny,
Then could you spare a couple of dollars? The Salvo shelter is full tonight and I need to pay for a room or I'll be sleeping on the street, oh and I need to buy a meal and there's a really important phone call, so if you could spare some silver...

Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
all right all right, i bloody well heard you the first time! if you want it that badly get off the couch and make it yourself!

Round and round the garden
Like a teddy bear
One step, two step
And a painful discovery that bears have big claws and sharp teeth

Incy wincy spider
Climbed up the water spout
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out
Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain
But the spider had drowned and was buried under ten inches of mud

...and incy wincy spider said "Goddammned Melbourne weather!"

Georgie porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
So he consulted Cosmopolitan to improve his kissing technique.


Georgie porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie kissed them too, because he was bi.

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child must work for a living,
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is far too sensible to believe in any of that astrology bullshit.

one two buckle my shoe
three four a knock at the door
five six its those drug squad pricks!
seven eight make a dash for the gate
nine ten the bastards've got Ben!
eleven twelve into the front hedge I delve
thirteen fourteen there's guns a-pointing
fifteen sixteen in my pants a-pissing
seventeen eighteen the paddy wagon's waiting
nineteen twenty my sentence will be plenty

its raining its pouring
the old man is snoring
bumped his head
and he went to bed
and his corpse was found 3 months later by the police after they broke down his front door when the neighbours complained of the strange smell

6 July 2007

Scott misreads

BoM have issued a Flood Watch for South Australia, which includes Cuddle Creek. I find this very amusing.

"Cuddle Creak has burst its banks! We're drowning in hugs!"

The only people ever to have lost a house to tough love...

On re-reading it, its actually Cudlee Creek. This has failed to dampen my amusement.

Cudlee Creek, the world's only naturally occurring river of fabirc softener.

Poor cattle. They'll get trapped in the floodwaters and be turned into a cuddly soft and floppy heap.

Scott discusses working with God

I'd settle for EA to God

"No, I'm sorry, you can't talk to him today.... No, not next week, either... Look - he's working offsite at the moment and he's quite hard to pin down... No, I don't know when he'll be back... yes, fine, I'll take a message."

*drowns in post-its*

I'm sorry, he's in an urgent meeting with the archangels - something about smiting the infidels...

"I'm sorry, but his schedule is very hard to track - he moves in mysterious ways."


God's working offsite? I guess that explains why he hasn't answered my prayers yet.

"Goodmorning, this is the office of Yahweh, the Creator of All Things, He That is Called 'I Am', Father of the Son of God, how may I help you? No, I'm sorry, he's not in the office today. I'm afraid we don't have a time frame for when he'll be back in the office. No. Sorry. Can I take a message? Hang on, let me find a pen that works......ok, and your message is?.........'Dear Lord, why will you not help us stop the invading barbarian hordes?'....ok, got it, I'll be sure to pass it on to him once he's in the office. You're welcome. Thank you. And I hope you have a lovely day. You too. Try not get in the way of those barbarian hordes. Ok. Bye bye now!......... Good morning, this is the office of Yahweh, the Creator of All Things, He That is Called 'I Am', Father of the Son of God, how may I help you....?"

Scott on crabs

Looks like you're first cab off the rank today - I just want to go home and lie in front of the heater

And I read that as "looks like you're the first crab off the rank" and for a moment had images of a bunch of crabs in bowler hats and work suits waiting at a taxi rank for a taxi to work.

Scott revels in other's envy

Every male is jealous of me. I am the alpha of alpha males. I am the studly stud of Studley Park. Women tingle with excitement as I pass them on the street while man cower before my enormous balls of steel.

Scott on moving to greener pastures

Oh, and you're doing the right thing. Time to move on to greener pastures. No wait, that's for cows. Time to move on to a more conducive work environment. That's better.

A greener work environment!

A more conducive pasture!

Working for a boss who's a REAL cow!

"As you can see I've re-written the greener pastures safety manual and prepared a powerpoint presentation for all new cows explaining the finer details of the cud-chewing and milking process respectively. So what do you think?"