22 July 2009

Scott attempts to quit his gym membership

And so the tortuous, kafka-esque process of having my Fitness First membership cancelled has begun...

"Hi, I'd like to cancel my membership. My account number is 3588201-"
"No! You are Number 6!"
"Uh... okay... well, anyway, my name is Scott-"
"Your name is Number 6!"
"Look, I just want to cancel my membership."
"You wish to leave us, Number 6?"
"Um... could I talk to someone else?"
"No! You will deal with me!"
"Okay, if you won't escalate to a supervisor, I'm going to make a complaint. What's your name?"
"I am the New Number 2."
"...you're called Number 2?"
"Kind of drew the short straw on that one, didn't you?"

Apparently I must speak personally to a Customer Service Manager, a fabled beast which apparently does not exist, or at least does not have easy access to a phone. Its possible the phone has been placed at the top of a very tall mountain and the Customer Service Manager must climb said mountain using only their wits, a spork and a narcolpetic angora rabbit as a pack animal as some kind of test of their commitment to being a Quality Customer Service Manager of Quality.

Yay, she made it to the top of the mountain and there was still enough movement in her near-frozen fingers to operate the phone! And apparently enough movement in her lips to be able to tell me that Fitness First requires 4 weeks notice of a cancellation and they'll still bill me twice more before the cancellation comes into effect. Apparently I should also be grateful that this means I can still use the gym for the next 4 weeks.

She should be grateful for your foot up her arse.

3 July 2009

Scott goes to see Transformers

I could just see myself in the audience, I'd be like a confused old man.

"Wait, what's happening? Who's that guy?"
"Scott, that's one of the Cheesicons, remember from earlier?
"But why's he look like the other guy?"
"He doesn't, look you can see the tiny cheese head logo on his chest plate. The other robot's got the little goat head icon."
"Which bits the chest plate? I can't tell if I'm looking at the back or the front! Why won't someone tell me what's happening?! Wait, are we in Egypt now? I thought we were in Paris. Why does Paris have pyramids?"

1 July 2009

Scott writes a farewell speech...

Um. I have to prepare a 'certificate of appreciation' for one of my staff who's decided to take VR, detailing her work history and the sort of person she is. Only, she's been on long term sick leave for about 2 years now (ongoing cancer treatment) and I've never actually supervised her, nor even met her. This will be interesting.

"[Departing staff member] may or may not have been an excellent employee with a distinguished/appalling career in [insert department of choice]. I have known this staff member for zero years and can personally attest to her amazing ability to do many unspecified things. It is with great sadness that we wave farewell to her and we know that the hole left by her permanent absence will undoubtedly be greater than the hole left by her temporary absence."