30 January 2008

Scott and zombie blogging

"Hi and welcome to today's edition of TechWatch. In the past few years we've witnessed the rise of the blog from being the repository for the bad poetry of emo-afflicted teenagers to a genuine news source that is challenging the old world beacons of Tv, radio and newspapers. One of the latest news-related blogs and the one that has been getting the most attention is 'The Graaaaawwhhh... Report'. Written by 'The Trilby-ed Zombie', the blog has been regularly scooping most of the mainstream media with its accurate and hardhitting journalism, and also run scoops on the recent spate of violent celebrity deaths. It now regularly gets 500,000 hits a day and is clearly a favourite of those seeking a break from mainstream news sources.

However, The Graaaaaawhhh... Report also has its detractors, most notably media mogul Rupert Merkin who, in his own blog, posted the following: 'I mean, what's with you people? Every f--king post is either "Graaaargh" or "Braaaainnnss" or "Gnurrrwwwghh. That's all, nothing else. This is not journalism! The Trilby-ed Zombie did not f--cking scoop us with the Dick Cheney Goat Sex Death Cult story! All he wrote is "Gnnuurrrrghh"! You people are f--cking morons!'

This diatribe has not gone down well with the internet community, who have responded by calling the mogul "mad", "jealous", a "poor loser", "old fashioned and out of touch" and "pwned!". It also lead to a large jump in the blog's audience. Needless to say it appears there's been a seachange in the news industry, and it looks like The Graaaaaawwhhh.... Report will only become bigger with each day."

Scott's zombie American Idol

"Tonight on American Idol, zombie Bub puts all on the line before the judges with his interpretation of the Beatle's 'Yellow Submarine'!

Zombie Bub: Graaaaaaahhh...

Simon Cowell: Well that was simply the worst thing I've ever heard. I mean it wasn't even singing, it was just moaning, and it wasn't even in time!

Paula Abdul: Shutup Simon! He's a zombie, he's done really well to get here and I for one love him!

Simon: Oh shutup yourself, you silly slag! He's rubbish, you're rubbish, you haven't even got the brains for the zombie to eat, you're....arrrgh! She's set me on fire!"

All this an more on tonight's spellbinding episode of American Idol! Brought to you by Zombie Motors, we put the 'Graaaaahhh....' back into driving!"

14 January 2008

Scott is followed by pirates

I'm sure the boy would prefer not to have a pirate vessel tagging along by his side.

"Hi John, how are............um, is that a pirate ship?"

"Look, just ignore it ok? It just started following me around and it won't go away."

"Ignore it? Its a frggin' pirate ship! Look, its even got pirates on board! AND they're buckling swashes!"

"They're doing it to get attention. Just pretend they aren't there ok? God this is so embarrasing. What am I going to tell mum? There's not enough petfood for them AND the cat and dog at home! LOOK, FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO FOLLOW AROUND, WILL YOU?!"

"Aww....look, now you've made them all sad. Hey, I wonder if they can do any tricks?"

"I don't care, I just want them to go away already."

"Nah, I bet they know all kinds of cool tricks, like.......pillaging and plundering and stealing booty. HEY BOYS, CAN YOU STEAL BOOTY? CAN YA? HUH? HUH? Aw look at them, they're so cute, they're bouncing all around the place in excitement!"

"Damn it Paul, stop encouraging them!"

10 January 2008

Scott doesn't like work

how dare a client call me on my first day back at work to discuss his case! Doesn't he know I have no idea about his case and that I can't be arsed looking at it right now?! The rudeness and impertinence of the man!

Did you explain your displeasure to the client?

no, i just sounded like a derelict drunk muttering about babboons spying on me

"Mr Brennan, can I email you my reponse to your letter rather than mailing it by hand?"

"muttermuttersnortmutterdamnbabboons......is'll a consp...a con....a sponcriracy by theguvment.....muttermutter....eyes....wha' me e'rywhere....robot mon'eys!"

Scott on James's wrongness

The relationship between weasels and the prevalence of ferocious mountain gazebos is not linear but in fact exponential. Eventually the number of weasel/gazebos reaches a steady state of supra-inverted quantum matter that I call "Hurtzberger Prime". The formation of HP matter conculsively proves that I am unable to achieve the same state of wrongness that James is able to.