28 November 2008

Scott translates jargon for the layman...

I'm blowing fifty bucks on an extra 2GB of RAM for the gaming rig. 4GB will be MUCH better (though apparently on any 32 bit iteration of windows, no more than 3.25GB or so can be used, and you need to go to 64 bit to go up to 16GB or 32GB or whatever it is).

I think i'm going to go up to 4gig when I eventually get round to upgrading my box. I'm still deciding whether to go with Vista or hold on til Windows 7 comes out.

*looks confused*
can you explain the rest of that in nice small words that I can understand

In terms of easily understood metaphors: I'm intending to upgrade to a bigger weasel and have still to decide what obedience school to take him to.

ah - thank you, that makes things so much easier to understand

18 November 2008

Scott proposes a novel

"The Branch Meeting of Tomorrow" is a novel set in the near-future where a totalitarian militaristic dictatorship herds all its workers in to bright, spartan meeting rooms for one day every month, in which they are stripped naked, chained to the wall and have squash balls fired at them from pneumatic cannons carried by robots. This is seen by all concerned as quicker and more humane than the previous definition of branch meetings.

8 November 2008

Scott gets help writing a CSI episode

assuming you could find the victim after I'd dismembered them with a coffee mug

That'd make a cool CSI episode.

Grissom: "Notice the clean, almost surgical cuts on the severed limbs. This was definitely done with a coffee cup."
Sidekick: "You mean pieces of a broken cup?"
Grissom: "No, a real, whole coffee cup. Nothing quite like an office coffee break."

*cue theme music and shots of unreasonably clean and good looking investigators.*

"The perp's going to be hard to catch. No doubt they've..." *removes sunglasses* "...gone to ground."

"The perp should have stuck to his usual decaffeinated instead of....." *removes sunglasses* "....decapitated."

"The victim may have wanted coffee, but this isn't what he wanted when he asked for..." *removes sunglasses* "...a double shot."

"Whoever laced this guy's coffee with heroin either didn't know or care that the victim was...." *removes sunglasses* "......smacktose intolerant."

Ow. My brain.

"It looks like the killer deliberately infected the victim's coffee with rabies, so his cappuccino..." *removes sunglasses* "...had extra froth."

30 September 2008

Scott and biscuits

I'm cursing him for taking the last Iced Vovo.

No, I took the Iced Volvo. The Iced Vovo developed sentience over night and escaped.

I am a progressive modern man, but one thing I cannot abide is sapience in baked good. Next thing you know they'll be wanting the vote, too, and shipping hordes of their crummy little relatives over
here to steal our jobs and soak up our tea.

And then we'll have hordes of single mother biscuits having billions of crumbly offspring and expecting the state to pay for them! We'll be surrounded in delinquent monte carlos, graffitin' our cars and setting fire to our shrubbery!

Who knows where it'll end? Jatz crackers stored in the same tin as Honey Jumbles! Tim Tams with weird, foreign "limited edition flavours"!

more likely animal crackers in our soup

And they'll breed with our regular, wholesome, native biscuits! We'll get Scotch Finger Oreos and Kingstons with marshmallow chips and Anzac biscuits with a Turkish Delight filling! Its not right! I didn't fight in two baked goods wars to come home and find that someone's been diddling with my Mixed Assortments!

29 September 2008

Scott gives the greatest of gifts...

"And you, my faithful peon, who stood beside me while all around was flame and ouchiness, to you I give the greatest gift of all!"

"My leige, I am not worthy!"

"I give you this, my short and hairy peasant: a small wheel of elderly cheese!"


"I see you have been rendered speechless by my magnificent gift, oh unpleasantly fragrant one."

"......cheese? You've given me cheese?"

"Indeed I have, faithful servant of little brain!"

"After everything I did for you? A fucking wheel of cheese? I fought offthe Hordes of Crotchless-Pantied Nether-Demons for you! I led the charge when we raided Castle Ick while you sheltered in a nunnery disguised as a grandmother! I toppled the Great Tower of G'Ath'Ath'Ack'l'Ath, burnt the city of Sleem and razed the temples of Omnommer the Devourer! I slew the great daemon Unchwunter Klebullous the Splatulent! All of this I did for you! And now you give me cheese?!"

"Yes! Truly your deeds make you worthy of this fine small piece of tasty milk curdlings!"


"Argh indeed, my almost-friend, argh indeed!"

23 September 2008

Scott's a radio DJ

[after James complains about the quality of music in his office]

"It's quarter past 10, you're listening to radio 3 Triple Crud and that was Poseur with their new hit "Argh My Brain it Went Sploosh". Coming up next 3 hours of non-stop Nickelback because you requested it! Well actually you didn't but we don't care because the music companies bought everyone at the station ferraris just so we'd play their mass produced tripe. Ha-hah! And now, 40 minutes of screaming obnoxious ads, brought to you by Coke, because we have no soul!"

10 September 2008

Scott's Coallition of Concerned Citizens Against James's wrongness

[James is given a list of things to do, numbered 1, 2, 4, and 5 - item 3 is missing.]

Step 3 has been censored by the Coallition of Concerned Citizens Against James' Wrongness.

South Australian Attorney General Michael Atkinson has allowed the release of this censored version of step 3 for Australian audiences:

3) [blacked out] goats [blacked out] big bucket of [blacked out] Amanda Vanstone [blacked out] and will likely never return to its original size.

Coalition spokesperson Reginald Twitlock had this to say about today's release of a heavily ensored Step 3:

"While its clear a small number of words have been blacked out by the Attorney General's office, there's still enough there to fill in the blanks! Its an outrage! Wrongness such as this should not be allowed in a decent, god fearing society! If I was in charge we'd burn them all at the stake! Think of the children!"

In response, the media liaison representative from the Wrong James Foundation called Mr Twitlock and the rest of the CCCAJW a "bunch of twats." The Attorney General's office would not comment.

25 August 2008

Scott does not think highly of lawyers

Lawyer #1: "Did you hear that?"
Lawyer #2: "Hear what?"
Lawyer #1: "Sounded like a chilling war cry foretelling our gruesome and bloody end."
Lawyer #2: "Nope, didn't hear that. What'd it sound like?"
Lawyer #2: "Really? I thought war cries were more along the lines of 'I'll have yer bollocks!'"
Lawyer #1: "Nope, definitely WRAAGGHH."
Lawyer #2: "Fancy that. You learn something new everyday."
Lawyer #1: "Indeed we do, indeed we do. And now, back to behaving like retarded rhesus monkeys on crack."
Lawyer #2: "Eeee! Ooo eeeooo!"
Lawyer #1: "Aaark! Eeeeek!"

22 August 2008

Scott discusses track and field

[referring to the Bobby Pearce duck story]
It's one of those wonderful Australian sportsmanship stories that is right up there with John Landy missing his chance to be the first to break the four minute mile barrier by helping Ron Clarke up .

And that of Commander Reginald Pertwee St John Forthington-Smythe breaking the record for the 100 yard "screaming and waving your arms wildly above your head" as he was chased by the natives of the Congo . He's a hero to many sprinters and an inspiration/target for javelin throwers.

21 August 2008

Scott fears litigation

[After learning that his prevous comments about Sydney's train system have been blogged.]

Oh noes! I shall be sued by Sydney's CityRail! I must flee before an exceptionally delayed subpoena turns up at the wrong address!

Scott comments on Sydney's train network

...not including the 30 minutes it takes to work out Sydney trains' arcane ticketing system.

"Select departure point......select destination.....set peak hour......select adult ticket.....select day of the week......select sex......select shoe size......select lunar cycle......select choice of unnecessary network delays....select favourite cheese......select choice of drug addict to sit next to....select random encounter with choice of poultry...."

20 August 2008

Scott re-writes the Famous Five for the modern day

"Oh I say, Generic Posh English Name Person, why don't we go and find some rather lame mysteries to solve!"
"No, I'd rather stay in bed and spend the day shagging."
"Oh.....um.....that certainly sounds.....interesting. Are you sure you don't want to solve the mystery of Farmer Brown's disappearing sheep?"
"No, not really, shagging will be a lot more fun, but don't let me stop you."

8 August 2008

Scott is critical of Channel 7's soccer coverage...

"And there's this guy kicking a round ball....funny shape for a ball, should be more pointy really, anyway.....and he's kicked it and some other guy has it now, but a guy from the other team has taken it off him and stay tuned after the game for the final episode of our exciting Dancing with Backyard Blitz Biggest Loser Random Foul Mouthed Chefs.....and oh look someone scored when I wasn't watching, but don't worry we'll get a replay of that in 10 minutes or so. And now a 20 minute ad break."

27 June 2008

Scott discusses fashion

Friday should be casual codpiece day.
As opposed, you know, to formal codpiece day...

Is a casual codpiece made of denim or something?

no buttons and tie

Would that be a codpiece or a posing pouch?

I'm guessing a formal codpiece would have pinstripes.

or pleats

With a bowtie attached to it.

And a military full dress codpiece would be red and white with gold piping.

With a black rooster feather in it.

23 June 2008

Scott writes an action movie

and I is obviously just a lowly worm

You not a lowly anything, you a giant!

Now go stomp on Tokyo.

*poorly dubbed*
"Oh no! It is Michellezilla! Too many requests for unnecessary stationary orders have mutated her into a giant monster! She will destroy us all!"
*more poor dubbing*
"Quick you strange person standing there! You must help me fire this emergency chocolate at her! It is our only hopeness!"
*lame cannon sound*
"Rawwwrr! ooooh yum!"

and the way the Michellezilla is going at the moment, the only thing that will placate her is being able to stomp the Brunasaurus into the ground (and then being fed chocolate)

Michellezilla will use her secret Death Ray of Fundamentally Wrong Goat Insertion to destroy the Brunasaurus and save us all!

10 June 2008

Scott doesn't like warm winter nights

The weather sucks like a Dyson stuck to a cat's bum. If I don't sleep well tonight I shall mutate into an enraged lizard-beast and stomp all over a scale model of Tokyo.

21 May 2008

Scott swears an oath

"Sweet bagels" sounds like some kind of oath.

"Oh sweet bagels! That dinosaur is eating the President!"

Scott goes hunting

Argh! Its the dreaded McPoutbeast! Jeeves, get my hunting tongs ready!

Dreadfully sorry, sir, but Emily the scullery maid has the tongs, sir. You asked her to polish all the silver, sir, and the hunting tongs were in the silver cabinet.

Dammit man, I can't let a magnificent beast like that get away! Imagine what its head would like above the fireplace in the manor house? Fetch my grandfather's inlaid hunting spork - it may not be the right tool for the job but I'll be damned if I let this one get away!

*cough* Dreadfully sorry, sir, but the spork is silver, too.
I do, however, have a wooden fighting ladle.

What do you make me for, some kind of barbarian? Some kind of working class scum? Some kind of, of, of French person?? No Snodgrass-Wildebeast has ever wielded a ladle in combat and I'll not be the first! Damn your eyes! Next thing you'll be suggesting I stop rogering the kitchen staff on Wednesday afternoons!

13 May 2008

Scott and the shiny arsed baboons

their arses shine so much in the wild that large groups can often be mistaken for the lights of villages and towns from a distance.

The Shiny-Arsed Swamp Baboon is reputed to use its shiny arse to lure travellers off the path in treacherous marshlands, and when they are hopelessly lost attempt to sell them Amway products.

The Greater Flashing Savannah Hurdler Baboon uses its arse to signal its location to the other members of its troup every time it leaps above grass level. That way the troup is able to coordinate its assault on unwary tourists and force them to buy poorly made, cheesy, crap trinkets that take up far too much space in their luggage on the way home.

The Lesser Eyespotted Baboon from the Aspen region of Utah flashes its bright buttock-mounted eyespots to confuse tourists, who later find themselves holding signed timeshare accommodation contracts that they do not recall having signed.

The Alabama Great Posterior Baboon uses its arse as a signal and a warning to other members of its troup that it is moving backwards. Due to the size of its buttocks it is unable to view anything immediately behind it and has thus evolved a flashin arse signal with accompanying beeping sound to warn troup members and thus not accidentally injure or incapacitate them.

9 May 2008

Scott forms a committee

This is the headline from hell, guaranteed to kill your brain. The copy editor that came up with this one will probably be smirking for the rest of his life: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7390109.stm

one wonders how the Lesser Tits are getting on...

Last I heard, they were forming a committee.

A small committee?

Very small. Itty-bitty, you could say.

Which would then nicely lead itself to being called a... Committee for the Study of Climate Change Impact on Avian Species, in Particular the Lesser Tit.


16 April 2008

Scott goes to wrongtown express

Aww, but I don't want to have sex with the leader of my cult, the Holy Order of the Enlightened Gnawing Cheese Weasel. He's insane and always dresses like a wheel of blue vein cheese.

As everyone knows, cheese and sex are an unpleasant combination.

And how.
"Ahh....wait, what are you doing?"
*somewhat muffled* "Umm....nothing."
"Are you eating some cheese?"
*somewhat muffled* "Um.....no..."
"You are! You're eating cheese! You've brought some cheese into bed and you're eating it off my crotch!"
"No no no, I'm, uh, giving you oral sex."
"I can't believe you brought some cheese into bed and decided to eat it instead of me!"
"What, would you like some?"
"Is it blue vein?"
"Get out of my bedroom!"

15 April 2008

Scott writes a content's page for Rebecca's assignment page... with help from James

Logistics analysis: Florist.............2
Logistics analysis: Bikeshop.........5
Logistics analysis: Thingie...........7
Data Tables................................7
Plans for Global Domination.......7

Appendix 1 - Diagrams and charts showing that resistance is futile
Appendix 2 - Testimonials from those who recognise the inevitability
of my rise to benevolent dictator of the entire galaxy
Appendix 3 - Photos of me in corsets

17 March 2008

Scott plays an adventure

good experiece for Sean

Sean collects 250 XP points! Sean gains a level! Sean has learnt a new spell: Melfrump's Committee of Damacles!

Sean will need it all to battle the dreaded Migration Agent and her Ministerial of Doom

Sean has triggered a trap! Sean must make his saving throw vs Infinite Policy Documents!

Oh no! Sean has encountered a Red Tape Golem!

Sean casts Hogrump's Greater Teleconference! Red Tape Golem is defeated! Sean gains 25 experience points! Sean has found the Fluorescent Marker of Emphasis!

Melfrump's Committee of Damacles:
When cast the target must immediately make a saving roll vs Bureaucratic Inertia. If the target fails their roll a spectral senior management board of committee will appear above the target's head. Any future decision the target makes, regardless of subject matter, urgency, or whether or not combat is currently taking place, must be approved by the committee before the target is allowed to undertake it. The Committee of Damacles may also provide a completely different decision than that initially proposed by the target. Duration of spell lasts for 2d20 rounds. If target refuses to enact the Committee's decision, duration of spell will be extended 1d4 rounds per refusal.

20 February 2008

Scott bitches about scanning software

yes, secure internet gateway, lets scan everything thoroughly on the BoM weather radar site for hours because, you know, it could be a porn radar.

"And now for today's weather: a large, porn-bearing cloud band stretches across the continent from ex-tropical cyclone Debbie, who recently did Derby. Melbourne can expect occasional light showers of porn throughout the day, with heavy falls overnight. A road weather alert is in force due to possible patches of lubricant."

Scott on love

Love is contagious, it breeds snugs and snoggles.

Scott on fish

You've gone to the wrong place for wriggling fish bits. Which begs the question of where the right place would be.

Scott on the work internet server's scanning stuff

an irritating, annoying pile of wank. a poorly implemented, badly coded, resource hogging, network throttling pile of wank. a pile of wank so enormously huge and wanky that its far, far larger than all previous wanks in the history of wanks on earth combined.

7 February 2008

Scott on weird clients

Here's an opening sentence from one of my clients I wasn't expecting:
"I was born with Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, which did not let my penis grow to a full length."

Is he seeking asylum from a nation proud of its large penises?

I'm not really sure.....I can't say a great deal of what he's written makes sense. He mentions his penis right at the start and then never goes back to it. Its like "....and so I have a really small penis. Anyway, I think ducks are really funny. Do you like ducks? I like ducks. They go quack and they waddle. Hey, you know what's also cool? Geese. They're like......bigger ducks."

5 February 2008

Scott on the concept that Foresty Studies = Tree engineering

"What can you make with this tree?"
"Well, I could cut it down."
"Besides that I mean. What could you use the material to construct?"
"Well.........I could cut it down."
"No, you're missing the point. This is tree engineering. You can construct something out of the tree or in the tree or using the tree, do you understand?"
"Oooh I see. Sure."
"Ok, so, what can you make with this tree?"
"I could cut it down with a chainsaw instead of an axe."

Scott is a disease

"Mr Smith, I'm afraid we have some bad news. You've got Spazziloscottus Morbidii."
"Oh my god! Is it fatal?"
"I'm afraid so, yes. But on the plus side it'll make you very cute and you'll have a ball...."
"That doesn't sound too bad."
"....up until the time your skull exploads due to the massively swollen goat that is currently growing in your brain."

Scott channels a lawyer

"Fools! You know not what terrors you will leash upon us all if you do not heed my advice!"
"What, you think the wording's wrong?"
"Plagues of locusts! Boiling seas! Rains of fish! Lobsters driving cars! Gangs of nuns roaming the streets! Puppies eating children! Flying pandas! Earthquakes! Giant steaming eleph-"
"All right, we'll change the damn wording!"
"Excellent. Here's my bill."

1 February 2008

Scott's book of monsters

The Monster Book of Monster Spotting has this to say about the McPoutbeast:

"Famed for its ability to cry and run away when confronted, the McPoutbeast is, as its names suggests, all pouting lips, sad puppy dog eyes and waving tentacles. It is a common misconception that this beast does not have legs at all, but on closer examination it can be seen to perambulate on anywhere between 16 and 32 stumpy legs. However, as they are ridiculously undersized and its lips are enormously over-sized, they can be hard to spot. Bizarrely, the beast does not seem to have anything that could be described as a "body" - the legs appear to attach to the underside of the lips and the famous puppy dog eyes and eyebrows afix to the top of the lips. It is postulated that there must be a core behind the lips that contains all the bodily organs, but no one has ever been able to peer far enough around the lips to see it. The "Mc" part of its name can be attributed to the fact that it appears to have a Scottish accent, though this has been disputed by a minority of monster spotters."

Scott gets into spam advertising

"Are you content with your penis?"
"Well, yeah. Sure."
"But....but, my girlfriend likes it and she says - "

I so should get into spam advertising.

30 January 2008

Scott and zombie blogging

"Hi and welcome to today's edition of TechWatch. In the past few years we've witnessed the rise of the blog from being the repository for the bad poetry of emo-afflicted teenagers to a genuine news source that is challenging the old world beacons of Tv, radio and newspapers. One of the latest news-related blogs and the one that has been getting the most attention is 'The Graaaaawwhhh... Report'. Written by 'The Trilby-ed Zombie', the blog has been regularly scooping most of the mainstream media with its accurate and hardhitting journalism, and also run scoops on the recent spate of violent celebrity deaths. It now regularly gets 500,000 hits a day and is clearly a favourite of those seeking a break from mainstream news sources.

However, The Graaaaaawhhh... Report also has its detractors, most notably media mogul Rupert Merkin who, in his own blog, posted the following: 'I mean, what's with you people? Every f--king post is either "Graaaargh" or "Braaaainnnss" or "Gnurrrwwwghh. That's all, nothing else. This is not journalism! The Trilby-ed Zombie did not f--cking scoop us with the Dick Cheney Goat Sex Death Cult story! All he wrote is "Gnnuurrrrghh"! You people are f--cking morons!'

This diatribe has not gone down well with the internet community, who have responded by calling the mogul "mad", "jealous", a "poor loser", "old fashioned and out of touch" and "pwned!". It also lead to a large jump in the blog's audience. Needless to say it appears there's been a seachange in the news industry, and it looks like The Graaaaaawwhhh.... Report will only become bigger with each day."

Scott's zombie American Idol

"Tonight on American Idol, zombie Bub puts all on the line before the judges with his interpretation of the Beatle's 'Yellow Submarine'!

Zombie Bub: Graaaaaaahhh...

Simon Cowell: Well that was simply the worst thing I've ever heard. I mean it wasn't even singing, it was just moaning, and it wasn't even in time!

Paula Abdul: Shutup Simon! He's a zombie, he's done really well to get here and I for one love him!

Simon: Oh shutup yourself, you silly slag! He's rubbish, you're rubbish, you haven't even got the brains for the zombie to eat, you're....arrrgh! She's set me on fire!"

All this an more on tonight's spellbinding episode of American Idol! Brought to you by Zombie Motors, we put the 'Graaaaahhh....' back into driving!"

14 January 2008

Scott is followed by pirates

I'm sure the boy would prefer not to have a pirate vessel tagging along by his side.

"Hi John, how are............um, is that a pirate ship?"

"Look, just ignore it ok? It just started following me around and it won't go away."

"Ignore it? Its a frggin' pirate ship! Look, its even got pirates on board! AND they're buckling swashes!"

"They're doing it to get attention. Just pretend they aren't there ok? God this is so embarrasing. What am I going to tell mum? There's not enough petfood for them AND the cat and dog at home! LOOK, FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO FOLLOW AROUND, WILL YOU?!"

"Aww....look, now you've made them all sad. Hey, I wonder if they can do any tricks?"

"I don't care, I just want them to go away already."

"Nah, I bet they know all kinds of cool tricks, like.......pillaging and plundering and stealing booty. HEY BOYS, CAN YOU STEAL BOOTY? CAN YA? HUH? HUH? Aw look at them, they're so cute, they're bouncing all around the place in excitement!"

"Damn it Paul, stop encouraging them!"

10 January 2008

Scott doesn't like work

how dare a client call me on my first day back at work to discuss his case! Doesn't he know I have no idea about his case and that I can't be arsed looking at it right now?! The rudeness and impertinence of the man!

Did you explain your displeasure to the client?

no, i just sounded like a derelict drunk muttering about babboons spying on me

"Mr Brennan, can I email you my reponse to your letter rather than mailing it by hand?"

"muttermuttersnortmutterdamnbabboons......is'll a consp...a con....a sponcriracy by theguvment.....muttermutter....eyes....wha' me e'rywhere....robot mon'eys!"

Scott on James's wrongness

The relationship between weasels and the prevalence of ferocious mountain gazebos is not linear but in fact exponential. Eventually the number of weasel/gazebos reaches a steady state of supra-inverted quantum matter that I call "Hurtzberger Prime". The formation of HP matter conculsively proves that I am unable to achieve the same state of wrongness that James is able to.