29 May 2007

Scott's musical knowledge leaves much to be desired

dammit, you've summoned the evil spirits of Guns 'n' Roses into my head. "Welcome to the Jungle" has taken up residency in my brain and is doing horrible things to the furnishings.

Scott eats grapes

how can such a small grape contain so many seeds? I think I have discovered the fruit equivalent of the Tardis.

25 May 2007

Scott makes spreadsheets

Scott:
i think i'm suffering from spreadsheet madness. i've just taken what was a 1 worksheet spreadsheet and turned it into a 5 worksheet monstrosity with enough formulas to put a small laundrette in a complicated orbit around jupiter and each of its 20-odd moons. on the upside, it allows me to provide management repots on practically any kind of stat, up to and including the number of dwarf desk elephants used as paperweights in the office. on the downside, i think i've managed to invert my brain. ow.

James:
I love making insanely huge, insanely complex spreadsheets. My favourite bit is colour coding them with conditional formatting. "...and see, when it goes below 40%, it turns orange!!!"

Scott:
my spreadsheet has that too. different conditional formatting colours for each type of investigation outcome. wow! plus, count 'em, 6 pie charts! 2 line graphs! and more statistical breakdowns than a whole fleet of Ladas!

James:
...and steak knives!

Scott:
...and for a limited time you can receive our free instructional steak knife video entitled "The Sharp End is NOT the Handle"!!!

Scott is a multilingual Doctor Doolittle

the french dolphin says "le squeak". the german dolphin says "das squeak." the swedish dolphin says "bork bork bork".

Scott doesn't like Melbourne's trains...

one of these days i want to hear the connex announcement so speak the truth, so instead of "connex apologies for the incovenience" it should be "connex mocks your pathetic attempts to go home and moons your elderly grandmother"

21 May 2007

Scott finds something funny

and i laughed so hard i thought internal scott bits were going to break.

Scott critiques inferior weirdness

indeed. there's far too much slipshod weirdness around these days. too many people think all they have to do to be weird is to stick a label to their forehead and prance around like a loon. that's not true weirdness. weirdness takes many years to develop and is much an art as a skill. you can't force weirdness, weirdness must come to you in a moment of inspired inspiration.

20 May 2007

18 May 2007

Scott the goat geek

I don't believe I ever claimed to be a science geek either. I am a goat geek.

9 May 2007

Scott tries cursing

Amber:
curse these people!

Scott:
a pox on your house! may your cows moo backwards and your sheep seek toupees!

Scott is a chocolate deity

Scott:
I should go see my doctor but wait, I'm never sick! Muahahahahaa! I have the immune system of a god! All shall bow before me in worship!

Michelle:
here we go again...

Scott:
what, you make it sound like my demands for worship happen on a daily basis.

Michelle:
well, they do - not that we mind worshipping you, but surely you would prefer spontaneous worship rather than worship on demand.

Scott:
worship on demand is necessary. how can one know that one is a god if there is no worship on demand?

Michelle:
one knows one is a god if one is spontaneously worshipped - if one demands worship, then one risks turning into Caligula

Scott:
meh, power hungry lunatics have their attraction as well.

Michelle:
thank god (oops, thank Scott) you don't have a sister - though I suppose that means we will have the enlightening experience of seeing you declare war on Bass Strait...

Scott:
it mocks me. it deliberately keeps me from the Cadbury factory in Tasmania.

Rebecca:
it keeps you from turning into chocolate boy

Scott:
Chocolate Boy, the tasty-licious superhero.
"Don't worry ma'am, I'll save you! Wait...what are you doing?? Argh!! My leg!! Oh dear god, you're eating my leg!!"

8 May 2007

Scott improves on Billy Joel

You may be right, but you're not normal, and I think I've found the goat that you've been looking for...

Scott feels exploited

I am not a blog topic, I am a human being!

Scott sends a letter

Dear Mr X

Thank you for your letter to the Minister dated 12 April 2007. Please understand that regardless of your point of view and the issues you have raised, you still suck. The Minister feels that due to your complete and overwhelming suckage he will no longer respond to any of your correspondence, and will instead laugh at any future correspondence you may send and will phone you just so he can make rude monkey sounds at you.

Your sincerely,
Abundant Suckage
Department of Rude Monkey Sounds

Scott and the King of Wrong

The King of Wrong wears a crown of goats and sits upon a throne made of dried mollusc mucous. The King of Wrong does not receive many visitors.

Scott snorts

Rebecca:
Blog it.

Scott:
Blog it. Sounds like the old Salt 'n' Pepper track....

Amber:
I blogged it real good.

Scott:
curse you for making me snort.

Rebecca:
Yay snortage

Scott:
Mmmm snortage. Its stocks are trading quite well on the commodity market at the moment. . . . i wonder what happens when snortage stocks crash?

James:
People in the area of effect need to wear gumboots for a while.

Scott:
*snort*
Snortage stocks rose 5% in late trading today on the back of some wild and outlandish statements by the King of Wrong

Scott is a menace to society

Amber:
Scott, stop sending me things that get quarantined.

Scott:
haven't you heard? i'm diseased. it's contagious. anyone that comes in contact with my emails will become infected. symptoms include spontaneous word failure and a tendency to fixate on goats and cheese

3 May 2007

Scott has a sensitive nose

Oh god, the perfume wearer's at her desk again. Here comes the
headache....

its like she's been dipped bodily in a vat of stink.

I'd use an elephant gun but her shield of stink is impervious to bullets.