James: (after being away from his usual day job for 4 weeks)
*pout*
*pout pout pout*
Don't wanna.
Scott:
Don't wanna what? Bungee from the top of the Eiffel tower using Burt reynold's moustache as a bungee cord? Dance naked in front of the offices of the Young Liberals to Warrant's "Cherry Pie"? Sail a boat made from love, toilet rolls and koalas to Whitsunday Island where you'll establish an artist's retreat that will one day give birth to the "Rampant Bollocks" movement? Slide down the Matterhorn using a singing Gordon Brown as a toboggan? Regurgitate a fully grown walrus in your manager's office which will then proceed to read the weather reports for Marrakesh for the last 500 years? Entertain the Pope for a day using nothing but a rubber band, a banana and a very flexible assistant? Bracchiate through the houses of parliament while being chased by a small hunting party in pith helmets that want to arrest you for aggravated assault with a battery powered chicken? Train orcas to tapdance? Insert live tapioca puddings into the ears of a news reporter while they're live on air? Approach strangers on the street
and ask them to donate their nose hair for scientific experimentation?
James:
Well, those, and coming back to work.
Scott:
Oh. Personally I actually want to do all those things I listed. I should take some leave.
4 October 2010
21 July 2010
Scott complains about cold toes
Rebecca:
Scott and James cry when I put my feet on them in winter
Scott:
They be ice. Icy toes of frozen death
James:
ICY DEATH TOES!!! ATTACKING MY BITS WITHOUT MERCY!!!
Scott:
"You're listening to the drive time commute show and that was Icey Death Toes with their new single 'Numb Bits Drop Off'."
James:
Coming up next, it's the Frozen Scrotes with their brand new hit "Aaargh Get Away From Me".
Scott and James cry when I put my feet on them in winter
Scott:
They be ice. Icy toes of frozen death
James:
ICY DEATH TOES!!! ATTACKING MY BITS WITHOUT MERCY!!!
Scott:
"You're listening to the drive time commute show and that was Icey Death Toes with their new single 'Numb Bits Drop Off'."
James:
Coming up next, it's the Frozen Scrotes with their brand new hit "Aaargh Get Away From Me".
2 June 2010
Scott writes a story
Scott:
Gah. There's this new fantasy novel out called Tome of the Undergates by Sam Sykes, and I keep seeing it in bookshops and mentioned in blogs and every time I see it I misread it as "Tome of the Undergraduates".
I think my title would make for a much more interesting book
James:
Excerpt...
Skarek felt his rage blossom into something powerful and dangerous, a thrumming current, like an unseen rush of water felt through a stone wall. "Oh yes," he muttered, "my rage makes me powerful." A glow filled the edges of his vision, a dull orange pulse. He felt as if a forest fire were raging at his back. He turned to his nemesis, that fool Belosuk, and spoke with a voice like thunder, like hammers on anvils, like the groan of the earth itself.
"Do the f--king dishes NOW, Bel!" Skarek reached forth, effortless, extending only a single finger, and Belosuk's bong vanished into vapour.
"Jesus, Ska!" Belosuk shouted. "I'd just packed the cone!"
Scott:
As Derek approached the lair of the beast he could feel the fear begin to rise in him. Wozza had returned from here half the man he had been and what happened to Boz was the subject of much whispered conjection in the mead halls of the campus. "They say only his uggboots were found!" "I heard someone found his head in the Great Refectory, still wearing his fedora!" "The Librarians took him! They took him and buried his corpse in a place no one ever goes: the Welsh Philosophy stacks!"
Nervously fingering the talisman the witchwoman had given him, he took a nervous step down the darkening hall. With each step his heart beat faster; with each step the urge to flee screaming out into the night became stronger. His feet became heavier as he walked, the air thickened with scents emanting from the dread portal of the lair: marijuana, tweed and, underneath it all, blood. The stench filled his head 'til he thought it would burst, yet at the very moment when he thought he could take no more he found himself standing before the portal itself. The portal of death and madness.
Swallowing compulsively, he knocked once a pushed it open revealing hell.
Textbooks piled on textbooks disappeared in great towers beyond his ability to see them. The dirt compacted floor was riven with great cracks from which roaring flames burst, while hanging from the walls on hooks where the still writhing forms of undergraduates that had not submitted their papers on time. Dominating it all was great desk, stained with blood and scored with the marks of a thousand knives, while upon on it teetering in great heaps were back issues of the Green Left Weekly. And there, behind the desk, was the object of his quest.
It sat wreathed in smoke and darkness, an indistinct form possibly that of a man and possibly of something much, much worse. It watched him, waiting.
"Um" squeaked Derek. "Um....I would like to ask, uh, to ask....for an extension."
For moment there was no response. For a moment there was a flicker of hope, then with guttural growl the beast of shadow leapt at him. Before he could react, before he even had time to piss himself in fear, he found himself pinned to the ground, a great taloned hand clasped around his neck, the beast's indistinct face pressed close to his. The growling grew worse.
Clutching his talisman even tighter with his free hand he brought it between the beast and himself. "Please" he gasped, "I have a note from my doctor..."
The growling stopped. There was a pause in which Derek was sure his beating heart was the only sound in the world. Then a slit split the beast's formless head where its mouth would be and revealed rows of shiny, needle sharp teeth in the cruel parody of a smile.
"Well then" said the beast in a voice that made his bowels somersault "let's see what we can do for you, Mr Derek...."
Gah. There's this new fantasy novel out called Tome of the Undergates by Sam Sykes, and I keep seeing it in bookshops and mentioned in blogs and every time I see it I misread it as "Tome of the Undergraduates".
I think my title would make for a much more interesting book
James:
Excerpt...
Skarek felt his rage blossom into something powerful and dangerous, a thrumming current, like an unseen rush of water felt through a stone wall. "Oh yes," he muttered, "my rage makes me powerful." A glow filled the edges of his vision, a dull orange pulse. He felt as if a forest fire were raging at his back. He turned to his nemesis, that fool Belosuk, and spoke with a voice like thunder, like hammers on anvils, like the groan of the earth itself.
"Do the f--king dishes NOW, Bel!" Skarek reached forth, effortless, extending only a single finger, and Belosuk's bong vanished into vapour.
"Jesus, Ska!" Belosuk shouted. "I'd just packed the cone!"
Scott:
As Derek approached the lair of the beast he could feel the fear begin to rise in him. Wozza had returned from here half the man he had been and what happened to Boz was the subject of much whispered conjection in the mead halls of the campus. "They say only his uggboots were found!" "I heard someone found his head in the Great Refectory, still wearing his fedora!" "The Librarians took him! They took him and buried his corpse in a place no one ever goes: the Welsh Philosophy stacks!"
Nervously fingering the talisman the witchwoman had given him, he took a nervous step down the darkening hall. With each step his heart beat faster; with each step the urge to flee screaming out into the night became stronger. His feet became heavier as he walked, the air thickened with scents emanting from the dread portal of the lair: marijuana, tweed and, underneath it all, blood. The stench filled his head 'til he thought it would burst, yet at the very moment when he thought he could take no more he found himself standing before the portal itself. The portal of death and madness.
Swallowing compulsively, he knocked once a pushed it open revealing hell.
Textbooks piled on textbooks disappeared in great towers beyond his ability to see them. The dirt compacted floor was riven with great cracks from which roaring flames burst, while hanging from the walls on hooks where the still writhing forms of undergraduates that had not submitted their papers on time. Dominating it all was great desk, stained with blood and scored with the marks of a thousand knives, while upon on it teetering in great heaps were back issues of the Green Left Weekly. And there, behind the desk, was the object of his quest.
It sat wreathed in smoke and darkness, an indistinct form possibly that of a man and possibly of something much, much worse. It watched him, waiting.
"Um" squeaked Derek. "Um....I would like to ask, uh, to ask....for an extension."
For moment there was no response. For a moment there was a flicker of hope, then with guttural growl the beast of shadow leapt at him. Before he could react, before he even had time to piss himself in fear, he found himself pinned to the ground, a great taloned hand clasped around his neck, the beast's indistinct face pressed close to his. The growling grew worse.
Clutching his talisman even tighter with his free hand he brought it between the beast and himself. "Please" he gasped, "I have a note from my doctor..."
The growling stopped. There was a pause in which Derek was sure his beating heart was the only sound in the world. Then a slit split the beast's formless head where its mouth would be and revealed rows of shiny, needle sharp teeth in the cruel parody of a smile.
"Well then" said the beast in a voice that made his bowels somersault "let's see what we can do for you, Mr Derek...."
16 May 2010
Scott has a menagerie
After bitching about inconsiderate colleagues
Scott:
I hope you yelled at them
Rebecca:
and then stabbed them to death
James:
...and fed their remains to that judge on Masterchef.
Scott:
...and in turn fed that judge to a herd of ravenous barracudamice.
James:
The bumblebeaver is the world's busiest animal, it is true, but the little-known and yet widely-feared barracudamouse takes the record for being the world's hungriest.
[And then from a discussion about food]
Rebecca:
over peppering is bad
James:
Too much pepper might make the barracudamice sneeze, and then there'd be chunks flying everywhere at near-sonic speeds.
[and then back to the main silliness]
Scott:
The world's strangest animal, however, is without a doubt the creampiethon. This rarely seen ambush predator drapes itself in coils around its prey and smothers it in cream.
James:
We could do millions of these...
The piguana, and its miniature breed, the guinea piguana...
Rhinocerodents, which infest your walls and leave holes in the skirting boards the size of Kombi vans...
The spocktopus, a deeply logical creature with green blood, also the only animal other than humans able to raise one eyebrow...
The squidiot - a pale soft-bodied human which loves to get into political arguments it can never win; it escapes without having to
admit defeat by ejecting a cloud of ink and running away...
Scott:
The ballpointpenguin, which write stern letters to the editor when threatened by carnivores...
Fryingpanthers, reknowned for their culinary skills...
Motorcyclops, the leather clad hoon of Greek legend...
The paraleagle, the only raptor with understanding of criminal law, often seen defending other raptors in mammal-murder cases...
Scott:
I hope you yelled at them
Rebecca:
and then stabbed them to death
James:
...and fed their remains to that judge on Masterchef.
Scott:
...and in turn fed that judge to a herd of ravenous barracudamice.
James:
The bumblebeaver is the world's busiest animal, it is true, but the little-known and yet widely-feared barracudamouse takes the record for being the world's hungriest.
[And then from a discussion about food]
Rebecca:
over peppering is bad
James:
Too much pepper might make the barracudamice sneeze, and then there'd be chunks flying everywhere at near-sonic speeds.
[and then back to the main silliness]
Scott:
The world's strangest animal, however, is without a doubt the creampiethon. This rarely seen ambush predator drapes itself in coils around its prey and smothers it in cream.
James:
We could do millions of these...
The piguana, and its miniature breed, the guinea piguana...
Rhinocerodents, which infest your walls and leave holes in the skirting boards the size of Kombi vans...
The spocktopus, a deeply logical creature with green blood, also the only animal other than humans able to raise one eyebrow...
The squidiot - a pale soft-bodied human which loves to get into political arguments it can never win; it escapes without having to
admit defeat by ejecting a cloud of ink and running away...
Scott:
The ballpointpenguin, which write stern letters to the editor when threatened by carnivores...
Fryingpanthers, reknowned for their culinary skills...
Motorcyclops, the leather clad hoon of Greek legend...
The paraleagle, the only raptor with understanding of criminal law, often seen defending other raptors in mammal-murder cases...
4 May 2010
Scott needs weird
Rebecca:
essential? You need your weird?
Scott:
You know the old adage: a weirdo a day keeps the baleful psychotic dwarf from lurking under the desk and chewing my PC cables.
essential? You need your weird?
Scott:
You know the old adage: a weirdo a day keeps the baleful psychotic dwarf from lurking under the desk and chewing my PC cables.
29 April 2010
Scott likes computer products
Rebecca:
I have a new email address
And using Lotus Notes again is the suck.
Scott:
As an official IBM employee you're not allowed to say that. Remember, Lotus Notes is a fully featured data recording and manipulating tool that can be tailored to meet the specific requirements of each work place, provided that the specific requirements were developed by a goat sniffing lunatic with a Barry Manilow obssession.
"Have you tried using our Lotus Notes software?"
"Yes, and it blows."
"Ah, that would have been the old version! I think you'll find our latest release meets all your needs and then some!"
"Yes, but only if I'm an insane one armed gerbil herder that only travels by pogostick and writes long diatribes to national newspapers about aliens, lizard people, mind control rays and how the US government will be replaced by a race of sentient spoons that will enforce mandatory accordion ownership."
"Ok, yes, fair point, but if you are that one armed gerbil herder think how wonderfully Lotus Notes will organise your diatribes!"
"I am going to stab you now."
Nadia:
And do you get a computer to go with it?
Scott:
Silly, of course not! This is IBM, only customers get computers. Staff have to make do with a monkey, a chisel and a stone tablet. Staff used to chisel their own emails but that was seen to be an OH&S issue, so now every IBM staffer gets their own macaque to chisel emails dictated to them. Its quite efficient and only approx 25% of emails end up being about poo flinging.
James:
I initially read that as "staff used to chisel their own entrails".
I was momentarily disturbed.
Scott:
Mmmm auto-extispicy.
Nadia:
Mmm spicy entrails. Pulverized entrail empanadas anyone?
Scott:
There's absolutely no way in hell I'll be able to explain to my staff why I'm giggling at my desk right now. They'll think I've gone insane.
I have a new email address
And using Lotus Notes again is the suck.
Scott:
As an official IBM employee you're not allowed to say that. Remember, Lotus Notes is a fully featured data recording and manipulating tool that can be tailored to meet the specific requirements of each work place, provided that the specific requirements were developed by a goat sniffing lunatic with a Barry Manilow obssession.
"Have you tried using our Lotus Notes software?"
"Yes, and it blows."
"Ah, that would have been the old version! I think you'll find our latest release meets all your needs and then some!"
"Yes, but only if I'm an insane one armed gerbil herder that only travels by pogostick and writes long diatribes to national newspapers about aliens, lizard people, mind control rays and how the US government will be replaced by a race of sentient spoons that will enforce mandatory accordion ownership."
"Ok, yes, fair point, but if you are that one armed gerbil herder think how wonderfully Lotus Notes will organise your diatribes!"
"I am going to stab you now."
Nadia:
And do you get a computer to go with it?
Scott:
Silly, of course not! This is IBM, only customers get computers. Staff have to make do with a monkey, a chisel and a stone tablet. Staff used to chisel their own emails but that was seen to be an OH&S issue, so now every IBM staffer gets their own macaque to chisel emails dictated to them. Its quite efficient and only approx 25% of emails end up being about poo flinging.
James:
I initially read that as "staff used to chisel their own entrails".
I was momentarily disturbed.
Scott:
Mmmm auto-extispicy.
Nadia:
Mmm spicy entrails. Pulverized entrail empanadas anyone?
Scott:
There's absolutely no way in hell I'll be able to explain to my staff why I'm giggling at my desk right now. They'll think I've gone insane.
Scott has sinus goblins
Scott:
Its like there's goblins in my head making noises
James:
Fetch me a kebab skewer and I'll get rid of the goblins for you.
Scott:
I fear for my brain. Specifically I fear my brain being stabbed due to your overly enthusiastic sinus goblin skewering.
Michelle:
you two are being very disturbing again!
Scott:
But you haven't heard the song about it yet
Michelle:
sing it for me at lunch...
James:
I think it goes:
See the little goblin
See his little feet
And his little toes-y-woes
Isn't the goblin sw- AAARGH!!! GET THAT SKEWER OUT OF MY NOSE!!!
Scott:
Oh I am a sinus goblin and a I sail the sinus seas!
With my trusty sinus spoon I fill your sinuses with peas!
James:
Sounds a bit like a sinus pirate...
Scott:
You've not seen the jolly roger sticking out of my left nostril?
Its like there's goblins in my head making noises
James:
Fetch me a kebab skewer and I'll get rid of the goblins for you.
Scott:
I fear for my brain. Specifically I fear my brain being stabbed due to your overly enthusiastic sinus goblin skewering.
Michelle:
you two are being very disturbing again!
Scott:
But you haven't heard the song about it yet
Michelle:
sing it for me at lunch...
James:
I think it goes:
See the little goblin
See his little feet
And his little toes-y-woes
Isn't the goblin sw- AAARGH!!! GET THAT SKEWER OUT OF MY NOSE!!!
Scott:
Oh I am a sinus goblin and a I sail the sinus seas!
With my trusty sinus spoon I fill your sinuses with peas!
James:
Sounds a bit like a sinus pirate...
Scott:
You've not seen the jolly roger sticking out of my left nostril?
15 January 2010
Scott is hungry
Scott:
Verily, thy cries of nom flounce 'round mine ears and lo! multitudinous voices of avarice awaken. Arise, arise ye lords of nom and descend upon thine tasty morsels, gathered from lands divine. Possessed, I nom and nom and nom again, til belly's cravings ended be.
Rebecca:
Scott you is blogged
Scott:
Slain! Oh for your mighty blog has pierced mine form of spazz. Hark, can thy ears not hear the coldness? It comes swiftly, on tainted wings of sporks. I die! *dies*
James:
Me thinks thy protestations and feign'd expiration of mortality art over-acted. Verily, thy performance in its entirety doth reek of ham.
Nadia:
Alas! Poor Scott. We knew him quite well,
Verily, thy cries of nom flounce 'round mine ears and lo! multitudinous voices of avarice awaken. Arise, arise ye lords of nom and descend upon thine tasty morsels, gathered from lands divine. Possessed, I nom and nom and nom again, til belly's cravings ended be.
Rebecca:
Scott you is blogged
Scott:
Slain! Oh for your mighty blog has pierced mine form of spazz. Hark, can thy ears not hear the coldness? It comes swiftly, on tainted wings of sporks. I die! *dies*
James:
Me thinks thy protestations and feign'd expiration of mortality art over-acted. Verily, thy performance in its entirety doth reek of ham.
Nadia:
Alas! Poor Scott. We knew him quite well,
Though what he'd say next, you never could tell.
The world may be quieter now he's sloughed off this shell.
But we'll be laughing again when we see him in hell.
Scott:
Thy porcine insults doth smack of jealousy! Begone, foul fiend, I spork at you with all my fury! *repeated sporking*
James:
Knave! Varlet! Blackguard! Stale omelette 'pon which a goat hath shat! I have at thee with runcible spoon in hand, thou reader of Dan Brown!
Scott:
You dare?! Thou would dares't hurl Dan Brown upon my face?? I curse thee that thou may'st spend until the end of a days a character born from the pen of Stephenie Meyer!
James:
Thou doth wound me, sir! Verily, I hath but no resemblance to the grim yet sparkling literary regurgitations of that crazed latter day loon, whilst thou wilt surely be played by Tom Hanks in the movie version.
Scott:
Aye, for that's as may be, but beware Lord Sparkles for hath the witches on the hill not foretold in rhyme so crap that thine ownself would be played by Hayden Christiansen in a beard so false.
The world may be quieter now he's sloughed off this shell.
But we'll be laughing again when we see him in hell.
Scott:
Thy porcine insults doth smack of jealousy! Begone, foul fiend, I spork at you with all my fury! *repeated sporking*
James:
Knave! Varlet! Blackguard! Stale omelette 'pon which a goat hath shat! I have at thee with runcible spoon in hand, thou reader of Dan Brown!
Scott:
You dare?! Thou would dares't hurl Dan Brown upon my face?? I curse thee that thou may'st spend until the end of a days a character born from the pen of Stephenie Meyer!
James:
Thou doth wound me, sir! Verily, I hath but no resemblance to the grim yet sparkling literary regurgitations of that crazed latter day loon, whilst thou wilt surely be played by Tom Hanks in the movie version.
Scott:
Aye, for that's as may be, but beware Lord Sparkles for hath the witches on the hill not foretold in rhyme so crap that thine ownself would be played by Hayden Christiansen in a beard so false.
2 October 2009
Scott and his penis
Scott:
A purring penis would be disturbing.
Rebecca:
Yes, like... "Ah, what's that? Oh, its Scott's contented penis"
Scott:
And that's not a phrase I want to hear very often. Though "Scott's contented penis" would be a good name for a band.
Rebecca:
Well maybe "contented penis" remove the "Scott"
Scott:
No, it has to be "Scott's contented penis". If you can have "Butthole Surfers" you can have "Scott's contented penis"
A purring penis would be disturbing.
Rebecca:
Yes, like... "Ah, what's that? Oh, its Scott's contented penis"
Scott:
And that's not a phrase I want to hear very often. Though "Scott's contented penis" would be a good name for a band.
Rebecca:
Well maybe "contented penis" remove the "Scott"
Scott:
No, it has to be "Scott's contented penis". If you can have "Butthole Surfers" you can have "Scott's contented penis"
9 September 2009
Scott on James's excel goodness with dwarves
James:
It needs to be said sometimes: damn I'm good.
After years of wondering I finally applied myself to working out how to make a column in an Excel spreadsheet automatically number itself so that a print-out will have row numbers, and have those row numbers appear automatically when new rows are added and (most importantly) not break when a row is deleted.
It took me ten minutes. I suppose I just got lucky on the Google searches and Excel help searches.
Amusingly, my solution is much better than Microsoft's official one, which breaks when you insert or delete rows in the middle of the list.
So yeah, I rock. I am Captain Excel!
Scott:
Indeed, you are an excel god. Which means, of course, I'm going to pester you even more with inane questions.
James:
I can tell you how to automatically number rows. :D
Scott:
Which i actually need to know since I've been tasked with revising the monster spreadsheet I built for the cancellations team 2 years ago
Michelle:
see - there is a purpose to James going off and learning things about Excel
Scott:
Indeedle. Now can he tell me why the previous updater of my once glorious spreadsheet decided to obscene things to it?
James:
Foetal alcohol syndrome?
Michelle:
whoever it was was an idiot
Scott:
Correct! A winner is you! George, what prize is our lucky contestant winning tonight?
Thank you Alfred, tonight's lucky winner a small psychotic angry dwarf that will stare balefully at him from under his desk while he works and occasionally bite his PC power cable.
James:
I'll come back next week and see if I can win something that won't cause nightmares.
Michelle:
I knew we couldn't keep you off dwarves for long
Scott:
I'm going to turn it into an internet meme
James:
It will be huge, and dwarf all others...
Scott:
*canned audience laughter* Well you can certainly try but we all know how likely that's going to happen on Shub-Niggurath's Wheel of Soul Destroying Torment, Australia's favourite quiz show!
James:
"AAAAAaaaAAAAaAAArgh!!! Oh god make it stop! Make it stoooooop!!!"
"...is that your final answer?"
It needs to be said sometimes: damn I'm good.
After years of wondering I finally applied myself to working out how to make a column in an Excel spreadsheet automatically number itself so that a print-out will have row numbers, and have those row numbers appear automatically when new rows are added and (most importantly) not break when a row is deleted.
It took me ten minutes. I suppose I just got lucky on the Google searches and Excel help searches.
Amusingly, my solution is much better than Microsoft's official one, which breaks when you insert or delete rows in the middle of the list.
So yeah, I rock. I am Captain Excel!
Scott:
Indeed, you are an excel god. Which means, of course, I'm going to pester you even more with inane questions.
James:
I can tell you how to automatically number rows. :D
Scott:
Which i actually need to know since I've been tasked with revising the monster spreadsheet I built for the cancellations team 2 years ago
Michelle:
see - there is a purpose to James going off and learning things about Excel
Scott:
Indeedle. Now can he tell me why the previous updater of my once glorious spreadsheet decided to obscene things to it?
James:
Foetal alcohol syndrome?
Michelle:
whoever it was was an idiot
Scott:
Correct! A winner is you! George, what prize is our lucky contestant winning tonight?
Thank you Alfred, tonight's lucky winner a small psychotic angry dwarf that will stare balefully at him from under his desk while he works and occasionally bite his PC power cable.
James:
I'll come back next week and see if I can win something that won't cause nightmares.
Michelle:
I knew we couldn't keep you off dwarves for long
Scott:
I'm going to turn it into an internet meme
James:
It will be huge, and dwarf all others...
Scott:
*canned audience laughter* Well you can certainly try but we all know how likely that's going to happen on Shub-Niggurath's Wheel of Soul Destroying Torment, Australia's favourite quiz show!
James:
"AAAAAaaaAAAAaAAArgh!!! Oh god make it stop! Make it stoooooop!!!"
"...is that your final answer?"
Scott and dwarves
Scott:
Can we have a new PA please? Our current one is a sucky dwarven prima donna.
James:
You and psychotics dwarves. It getting to become a habit.
Scott:
I can give it up any time I like.
James:
Don't make me stage an intervention...
Scott:
I'm not addicted to psychotic dwarves! I just need them from time to time to get by, you know how it is...
James:
It'll get to a point where you need one or two dwarves just to wake up in the morning. Next you'll be going to the horse races just to follow the jockeys around. You're on a downward spiral!
Scott:
I only need one or two psychotic dwarves to get me started in the morning. Sure, I may occasionally need a another one round my midday, but I need psychotic dwarves to keep me on top of the game. They keep me sharp and in control. Hell, with the stresses people face in the cut throat world of bureuacracy I'm not the only one doing a little angry dwarf from time to time!
James:
I hope you're at least using clean dwarves and not sharing them with others. You can pick up all sorts of nasty bugs doing that.
Scott:
I only share my dwarves with people I know
Michelle:
I now has a nice clean desk, with no clutter, no junk and no dust - however, I will soon have to move around to my new desk (once Rachael packs up), and unpack all my junk and return to chaos
Scott:
And dwarves, don't forget those.
Michelle:
how could I forget the dwarves?
Scott:
You could if you had the shakes from psychotic dwarf withdrawal.
James:
Remember the Dwarven Alamo!
Michelle:
*throttles James*
puhlease - no bad dwarf jokes...
Scott:
What about good dwarf jokes?
Michelle:
there are any?
James:
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
The torment Scott for its own nefarious purposes.
Scott:
*Knock knock*.
"Who's there?"
"Psychotic dwarf."
"Psychodatic dwarf whoarrrrgggh!!!" *squelchy stabbing sounds*
Can we have a new PA please? Our current one is a sucky dwarven prima donna.
James:
You and psychotics dwarves. It getting to become a habit.
Scott:
I can give it up any time I like.
James:
Don't make me stage an intervention...
Scott:
I'm not addicted to psychotic dwarves! I just need them from time to time to get by, you know how it is...
James:
It'll get to a point where you need one or two dwarves just to wake up in the morning. Next you'll be going to the horse races just to follow the jockeys around. You're on a downward spiral!
Scott:
I only need one or two psychotic dwarves to get me started in the morning. Sure, I may occasionally need a another one round my midday, but I need psychotic dwarves to keep me on top of the game. They keep me sharp and in control. Hell, with the stresses people face in the cut throat world of bureuacracy I'm not the only one doing a little angry dwarf from time to time!
James:
I hope you're at least using clean dwarves and not sharing them with others. You can pick up all sorts of nasty bugs doing that.
Scott:
I only share my dwarves with people I know
Michelle:
I now has a nice clean desk, with no clutter, no junk and no dust - however, I will soon have to move around to my new desk (once Rachael packs up), and unpack all my junk and return to chaos
Scott:
And dwarves, don't forget those.
Michelle:
how could I forget the dwarves?
Scott:
You could if you had the shakes from psychotic dwarf withdrawal.
James:
Remember the Dwarven Alamo!
Michelle:
*throttles James*
puhlease - no bad dwarf jokes...
Scott:
What about good dwarf jokes?
Michelle:
there are any?
James:
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
The torment Scott for its own nefarious purposes.
Scott:
*Knock knock*.
"Who's there?"
"Psychotic dwarf."
"Psychodatic dwarf whoarrrrgggh!!!" *squelchy stabbing sounds*
22 July 2009
Scott attempts to quit his gym membership
Scott:
And so the tortuous, kafka-esque process of having my Fitness First membership cancelled has begun...
James:
"Hi, I'd like to cancel my membership. My account number is 3588201-"
"No! You are Number 6!"
"Uh... okay... well, anyway, my name is Scott-"
"Your name is Number 6!"
"Look, I just want to cancel my membership."
"You wish to leave us, Number 6?"
"Um... could I talk to someone else?"
"No! You will deal with me!"
"Okay, if you won't escalate to a supervisor, I'm going to make a complaint. What's your name?"
"I am the New Number 2."
"..."
"..."
"...you're called Number 2?"
"Yes."
"Kind of drew the short straw on that one, didn't you?"
Scott:
Apparently I must speak personally to a Customer Service Manager, a fabled beast which apparently does not exist, or at least does not have easy access to a phone. Its possible the phone has been placed at the top of a very tall mountain and the Customer Service Manager must climb said mountain using only their wits, a spork and a narcolpetic angora rabbit as a pack animal as some kind of test of their commitment to being a Quality Customer Service Manager of Quality.
Yay, she made it to the top of the mountain and there was still enough movement in her near-frozen fingers to operate the phone! And apparently enough movement in her lips to be able to tell me that Fitness First requires 4 weeks notice of a cancellation and they'll still bill me twice more before the cancellation comes into effect. Apparently I should also be grateful that this means I can still use the gym for the next 4 weeks.
James:
She should be grateful for your foot up her arse.
And so the tortuous, kafka-esque process of having my Fitness First membership cancelled has begun...
James:
"Hi, I'd like to cancel my membership. My account number is 3588201-"
"No! You are Number 6!"
"Uh... okay... well, anyway, my name is Scott-"
"Your name is Number 6!"
"Look, I just want to cancel my membership."
"You wish to leave us, Number 6?"
"Um... could I talk to someone else?"
"No! You will deal with me!"
"Okay, if you won't escalate to a supervisor, I'm going to make a complaint. What's your name?"
"I am the New Number 2."
"..."
"..."
"...you're called Number 2?"
"Yes."
"Kind of drew the short straw on that one, didn't you?"
Scott:
Apparently I must speak personally to a Customer Service Manager, a fabled beast which apparently does not exist, or at least does not have easy access to a phone. Its possible the phone has been placed at the top of a very tall mountain and the Customer Service Manager must climb said mountain using only their wits, a spork and a narcolpetic angora rabbit as a pack animal as some kind of test of their commitment to being a Quality Customer Service Manager of Quality.
Yay, she made it to the top of the mountain and there was still enough movement in her near-frozen fingers to operate the phone! And apparently enough movement in her lips to be able to tell me that Fitness First requires 4 weeks notice of a cancellation and they'll still bill me twice more before the cancellation comes into effect. Apparently I should also be grateful that this means I can still use the gym for the next 4 weeks.
James:
She should be grateful for your foot up her arse.
3 July 2009
Scott goes to see Transformers
I could just see myself in the audience, I'd be like a confused old man.
"Wait, what's happening? Who's that guy?"
"Scott, that's one of the Cheesicons, remember from earlier?
"But why's he look like the other guy?"
"He doesn't, look you can see the tiny cheese head logo on his chest plate. The other robot's got the little goat head icon."
"Which bits the chest plate? I can't tell if I'm looking at the back or the front! Why won't someone tell me what's happening?! Wait, are we in Egypt now? I thought we were in Paris. Why does Paris have pyramids?"
"Wait, what's happening? Who's that guy?"
"Scott, that's one of the Cheesicons, remember from earlier?
"But why's he look like the other guy?"
"He doesn't, look you can see the tiny cheese head logo on his chest plate. The other robot's got the little goat head icon."
"Which bits the chest plate? I can't tell if I'm looking at the back or the front! Why won't someone tell me what's happening?! Wait, are we in Egypt now? I thought we were in Paris. Why does Paris have pyramids?"
1 July 2009
Scott writes a farewell speech...
Um. I have to prepare a 'certificate of appreciation' for one of my staff who's decided to take VR, detailing her work history and the sort of person she is. Only, she's been on long term sick leave for about 2 years now (ongoing cancer treatment) and I've never actually supervised her, nor even met her. This will be interesting.
"[Departing staff member] may or may not have been an excellent employee with a distinguished/appalling career in [insert department of choice]. I have known this staff member for zero years and can personally attest to her amazing ability to do many unspecified things. It is with great sadness that we wave farewell to her and we know that the hole left by her permanent absence will undoubtedly be greater than the hole left by her temporary absence."
"[Departing staff member] may or may not have been an excellent employee with a distinguished/appalling career in [insert department of choice]. I have known this staff member for zero years and can personally attest to her amazing ability to do many unspecified things. It is with great sadness that we wave farewell to her and we know that the hole left by her permanent absence will undoubtedly be greater than the hole left by her temporary absence."
16 June 2009
Scott is a poet...
Rebecca:
Clearly your train being a tad late didn't matter too much
James:
Does any of it matter in the great scheme of things?
*drinks absinthe*
*writes dreary poetry*
Scott:
Greyness pervades my everlasting soul.
Death! Blackness and death!
I am but porridge in the bowl of truth;
your spoon is cold.
Clearly your train being a tad late didn't matter too much
James:
Does any of it matter in the great scheme of things?
*drinks absinthe*
*writes dreary poetry*
Scott:
Greyness pervades my everlasting soul.
Death! Blackness and death!
I am but porridge in the bowl of truth;
your spoon is cold.
14 June 2009
29 May 2009
Scott visits Nigeria...
Hello!!!11!!!
My name is Nkware Gamba, I am a Prince of the royal house of Gabon, and I urgently need your help to transfer $10millllion dollars out of my country!!11!!eleventy!!!
If you are kind enough to assist me, I shall be pleased to pay you a fee of $50000 dollarrs Euro!!!1! Please, for this I must have from you some bank details and your name!! Also, your addresS!! Also, your eldest daughter!!! Also, your favourite pop albums from the 1980s!!eleventy!! Also, wooden boat not less than 40ft long and not less than 10 feets wide!! Also, a small troupe of performing weasels trained to perform Glengarry Glen Ross!! Also, the secret of fire!! If these things you provide to me I shall be pleased to give you $5000 Euro dollarsss US!!@!!!
My name is Nkware Gamba, I am a Prince of the royal house of Gabon, and I urgently need your help to transfer $10millllion dollars out of my country!!11!!eleventy!!!
If you are kind enough to assist me, I shall be pleased to pay you a fee of $50000 dollarrs Euro!!!1! Please, for this I must have from you some bank details and your name!! Also, your addresS!! Also, your eldest daughter!!! Also, your favourite pop albums from the 1980s!!eleventy!! Also, wooden boat not less than 40ft long and not less than 10 feets wide!! Also, a small troupe of performing weasels trained to perform Glengarry Glen Ross!! Also, the secret of fire!! If these things you provide to me I shall be pleased to give you $5000 Euro dollarsss US!!@!!!
26 May 2009
Scott and the sea shanties
Scott:
Its sea shanty time!
ooooooooooooh, I am a public servant
and I sail the bull shit sea!
I wrap things up in bright red tape
and rubber stamp your head with glee!
Michelle:
Fifteen visas on a public servant's desk
Scott:
Thar she blows! Policy whale off the starboard bow!
Michelle:
down among the dead applications...
James:
Oh, I'll file ye letter all right... I'll file it in Davy Jones's Locker...
Its sea shanty time!
ooooooooooooh, I am a public servant
and I sail the bull shit sea!
I wrap things up in bright red tape
and rubber stamp your head with glee!
Michelle:
Fifteen visas on a public servant's desk
Scott:
Thar she blows! Policy whale off the starboard bow!
Michelle:
down among the dead applications...
James:
Oh, I'll file ye letter all right... I'll file it in Davy Jones's Locker...
20 May 2009
Scott determines name changes
"Its says here you wish to change your name from.... Siddie Fartenbarry. Is this correct?"
"Yes."
"And that you wish to change it to.... Brassiere Hyperconundrum."
"Yes."
"You don't consider your choice of name unusual?"
"Compared to Fartenbarry?"
"Point taken. This request is approved."
"Yes."
"And that you wish to change it to.... Brassiere Hyperconundrum."
"Yes."
"You don't consider your choice of name unusual?"
"Compared to Fartenbarry?"
"Point taken. This request is approved."
Scott is a philosophical humanist...
Rebecca:
I couldn't work with her, she's nuts as far as I am concerned.
Scott:
And not in the entertaining "lets build a giant robot to take over the world" kind of nuts either.
James:
Which I find extremely disappointing.
Scott:
There's not enough of the kind of nuts around these days, everyone's always so serious when they go crazy now.
Rebecca:
I WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Where are my giant robots?
Scott:
You've managed to encompass the entire human condition into that one question.
I couldn't work with her, she's nuts as far as I am concerned.
Scott:
And not in the entertaining "lets build a giant robot to take over the world" kind of nuts either.
James:
Which I find extremely disappointing.
Scott:
There's not enough of the kind of nuts around these days, everyone's always so serious when they go crazy now.
Rebecca:
I WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Where are my giant robots?
Scott:
You've managed to encompass the entire human condition into that one question.
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