Scott talks religion

Rebecca:
change the topic?

Scott:
i vote for Paths to Spiritual Enlightenment as shown by the Holy Order of the Gerbil Balancing Monks of Malta.

Rebecca:
so tell me more

Scott:
I don't know much about them, though from what I've heard it involves piling gerbils on top of each other in intricate formations, kinda like a 3 dimensional mandala of rodents. The Maltese nicknamed them the Hamster Stackers.

Scott and D&D

Scott:
*rolls eyes*

Rebecca:
congratulations, you rolled 13 on a d20

Scott:
did i make my saving throw?

Rebecca:
just. So, you're poisoned, but not going to die from it

Scott:
yay not dead! can i open the chest now?

Rebecca:
well yes, but the chest seems to have turned into a wheel of cheese. In fact, the whole room is pulsating in a sickly green colour. This may pass. Do you wish to wait a bit?

Scott:
mmm cheese!

Rebecca:
I thought you'd like it

Scott:
you need to write a cheese themed D&D campaign

Rebecca:
I have SO many D&D campaigns I should write

Scott:
The Quest for the Cheese Wheel of Unmentionable Yet Non-Specific Doom.

Scott tries politics

Scott:
I'm standing for election as the Liberal member for Arse Monkey.

Rebecca:
I want to live in that electorate

Our electorates need more exciting names

Scott:
you can be in the electorate of Grope And Goat.

Scott tries valiantly

Amber:
I'm reading the state police website... and I could have sworn that one of the options available after completing four years of general police duties was 'an application to the Arson Squid'.

Scott:
Arson Squid, the cephalapod superhero. If you need something set on fire in a hurry, Arson Squid's your man.....squid....thing. But he can only operate underwater.

"Look, a giant meteorite is heading straight for us!"
"Don't worry, Arson Squid will save the day!"
*cue stirring theme music, Arson Squid jetting through the ocean with a box of matches in its tentacles*
"Yay! Its Arson Squid! Save us Arson Squid!"
*Arson Squid strikes a match to no effect. He's underwater after all. He keeps striking matches, oblivious to the inherent problems with his situation*
"Uh.....Arson Squid doesn't seem that useful...."
*planet is obliterated by meteor. the end*

Scott never had a chance, genetically speaking

It's a little known fact that that an ancient ancestor of mine, named Scott the Unlikely, was the fourth wise man present at the birth of Christ. He was omitted from the Christian bibles at an early stage, though certain ancient Jewish texts refer to him as the Bearer of Unnecessary Gifts.

Scott is an anthropologist. Of sorts.

Scott:
*ponders the deaper meaning of chocolate*

Lee:
I read that as 'dapper meaning'.
It brought to mind a Mars Bar in a three piece suit and pinstriped trilby.

Rebecca:
Awwww that's so cute

Scott:
"I say, why not have a bite of me? We Mars Bars are far more civilised than those nasty little Flakes."
"Oi! What you on about you manky stuck up toff? She'll have some of me because i don't run around with me nose in the air like some ooo-la-la posh dandy!"
"Now listen here Flake, you watch your manners or it'll be the Queensbury's rules for you!"
"Oooooo! What you gonna do, Mars boy? Come after me with your dandy little Fantale friends?"
"Right, that's enough you rotter, you gutter chocolate! Take that!"
And thus began the bitter chocolate class struggle.

Scott likes stories

Scott:
None of my stories are interesting, you should know that by now. I am currently the world Boring Monologue champion

Rebecca:
that isn't true... we have a blog of your interesting stories

Scott:
Have I ever told you about the time I catalogued the variations in colourin the threads that make up the carpet?

Rebecca:
no, please do

Scott:
I was wearing a brown cardigan at the time. Or it might have been green. No, it was definitely brown. I got it from the Wensleydale markets for tuppence h'apenny, which was a lot of money at the time. You young people don't the value of money these days. Or the value of a good cardigan. A good cardigan can see a man through a lot of strife. Cardigans these days don't even deserve the term. Why I bet most of you young people wouldn't even know what a cardigan was anymore! And the browns you get these days, there's no brown in 'em at all!

Rebecca:
and then what happened?

Scott:
Enough of your rushing, you kids are always wanting everything now, well let me tell you, you'll get what you're given and you'll be damn well happy to get it. And choices! Don't get me started on choices! We never had choice when i was kid, it was just a clip over the ear at Christmas and a brown cardigan for church. None of these fancy pantsy colours you see girls wearing these days. What sort of colour is lilac anyway? Lilac's not a colour, its something that should be growing in your garden. Lilac cardigans. Who ever heard of such things? It should be brown all the way, brown from sun up to sun down. Lilac. Damn kids. And how come nobody wears dungarees anymore?

Scott tries lol cat

Rebecca:
I'm in your foyer, breathing your air

Scott:
I'm in your lift, going down on your floors

Scott on being watched by Big Brother

soon to be seen on Google maps: images of me smuggling cheese wheels and goats across the state border under my trenchcoat

Scott and James snort together, with help from Michelle

Michelle:
no fair making me snort with no warning - there should be laws against that...

James:
I vote for a smiling girl in a bikini walking ahead of Scott holding a big sign that reads "Snort warning!"

Michelle:
in this weather she'd freeze her bits off - at least make the bikini fur lined

James:
Sort of Xena-ish...

"Snort warning! Aaa-eeeelilililililili!" *smack!*

Scott:
If I'm following a smiling girl in a bikini then she might also want to have a sign that reads "Copious drool warning!"

If this keeps up we're going to rapidly use up the world's supply of bikini clad women.

James:
This must be avoided at all cost, mainly because we will then have to use bikini-clad men.

Michelle:
stop it - what little reputation I had left among my colleagues for being a professional is being shredded at warp speed...

James:
Mr Scott! Full ahead, snort factor 9!

Scott:
But Cap'n, she cannae take no more!

James:
Ye cannae snort the laws of physics!

Scott:
Its worse than that, its snort, Jim!

James:
Captain's log, snort-date 6473.5...

Scott:
Snort me up, Scotty.

Michelle:
Snorting frequencies open, Captain...

Scott:
Your response is illsnortable, Captain.

Michelle:
It's snort, Jim, but not as we know it...

James:
Snort.

The final frontier.

These are the voyages of the snortship Enterprise.

Its five-year mission: to explore strange new snorts, to snort out new life and new civilisations, to boldly snort where no man has snorted before.

[cue theme tune: snort snoooooort snort snort-snort-snort snooooort]