Scott discusses the workings of the public service

i'm sorry but i think you've come to the wrong office if you want silliness. this is the Department of Serious People Doing Serious Things With Very Serious Looks on Their Faces. The Office of Loons, Spazzes and Just Plain Weird Stuff is next door.

Scott likes pies

Amber:
The Pie-Eating Samurai... now there's a movie waiting to happen.
And for variation's sake... The Pie Eating Samurai

Scott:
"You have dishonoured my pie!"
"No! Your pie dishonours you!"
"Aooowwwww!"
"Eeeeeoooaawwww!"
*spectacular 2 hour fight scene followed by end of movie credits*

James:
"Master Crusty! The evil Dragon Weng Flaky is outside! He demands we give up the secrets of our legendary Pie Style!"

Scott:
"Master Crusty, you would not teach me your Pie Style! Now I will take it like the autum moon takes the bamboo lute from a concubine!"
*Master Crusty strokes foot long moustache*
"Then let us fight with our minds, pie to pie! For truly there is no greater way to honour the Bakery of the Gods!"
*cue stirring music, lots of zooming in to narrowed eyes and snarling faces for the next, oh lets say 45 minutes*

Amber:
Somebody PLEASE get to blogging

Rebecca:
Oh when I eventually get access to my home PC and the internets I will blog to my heart's content

Scott:
*narrows eyes, strokes moustache*
Hold your hand, Autumn Blog Concubine, or I shall unleash a fearsome array of baked goods!

James:
"I laugh at your baked goods!''
*laughs out of synch*
"What you call pastry, I call a soft steamed bun!"

Scott:
"So, you mock the pies of our ancestors?!"
*florid and unnecessarily exaggerated arm waving*
"I should have expected as much from the Duke of P'ie's assassin."
*more moustache stroking*
"Hung Lo, Sofar Wae, show this peasant what a true Pie Master can do!"

Rebecca:
I am not afraid of baked goods, I consume them

Scott:
Then consume the Twelve Fingered Fist of the Winter Pie Crust Dragon!

Waaaaoaoaoaoaah!

Scott's religion

and lo! the Lord did appear before the Scotterites and didst instruct themin the Ways of the Lord, and so it was that the Scotterites didst turn to one another and sayeth openly "bugger this for a joke, i'm going home."

Scott comments on leagues

Rebecca:
And I have been told repeatedly there is no such thing as "leagues" by a man who then tells me that there are. Some double standard :P :)

Scott:
there are many leagues. there are those people that naturally slot into the equivalent of the top European football leagues, and there are those such as myself who find themselves in the equivalent of the 3rd Grade Khazakhstanian Regional Goat Hurling Championships, sponsored by Kolopsky's Horse Products, if its not made from horse its not worth buying.

Scott wants to go home

Rebecca:
Go home Scott

Scott:
can't. have stuff to do. woe be the stuff. woe be he that does the stuff. woe be the stuffee and the stuffer.

Scott's nature documentary

the predator eyes the herd of quiche beasts hungrily, watching for any stragglers or left-overs that would be too slow or feeble to outrun it. selecting its prey it uses its natural environment of office furniture as cover as it creeps within striking distance. suddenly it pounces and the quiche is caught before it has time to react. there is a brief struggle but the quiche is completely overwhelmed. thus goes life on the wild frontier of the corporate office.

Scott's revolution

let it be known forthwith that all those that have fridays off work and gloat about it shall be the first against the wall come the Revolution, by order of Comrade Scott, leader of the Shining Arse Monkey Brigades.

Scott sees cows

Rebecca:
You're a cow?

Scott:
No, I saw one. An office cow. They're very rare, you know. Scientific name is bureaucratus bovinus

Scott defies

Rebecca:
Scott you are banned from speaking

Amber:
'stop saying words.'

Scott:
Bah! I say what I like! Cheese radio grandpa muffin then because banana hat!

Scott feels murderous (again)

Rebecca:
How many times do I has to tell you that I nice?

Scott:
I dunno. Kill [this colleague] in [another office] for me and you'll never have to say it again. Kill her in a very bloody and painful way, preferrably involving gerbils and some sort of suction hose thing equipped with rotating knife blades that plays "Ode to Joy" and I'll give you a billion dollars into the bargain.

Scott takes on fundamentalists

After reading this article

Scott:
I'm gonna buy me a gun and kill me some fundamentalists. Yesirree bob, I love a collection of stuffed fundamentalist heads on my bedroom wall

"And this one I shot whilst hiking across the veldt. It ambushed me from a thick clump of acacia bushes and demanded I repent and denounce my sins. Fortunately I always travel the veldt with my game rifle at hand I was able to bring it down while it was in mid-pounce. It was a close run thing but as you can see it makes a fine trophy. Definitely one of the more magnificent specimens in my collection."

Amber:
I think I'd shoot them, then dump them

Scott:

Its illegal to dump fundamentalists, they're classified as toxic waste. you don't want them leaching into the soil and contaminating the wildlife. the last thing i need is to be swooped by fundamentalist magpies during breeding season.

Scott doesn't like change or chimney sweeps

Michelle:
why does everyone feel the need to change things? What's wrong with the way things used to be?

Scott:
I demand things go back to the way they used to be. I demand children be sent back down the mines and poor people must be made to clean my boots.

Michelle:
indeed - and don't forget the chimney sweeps

Scott:
now there's a cushy job if ever there was one

Michelle:
true - nice warm working environment, lovely decorative layer of soot, a big brush, and the possibility of a song and dance routine with Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins

Scott:
and weren't there dancing penguins involved at some point?

Michelle:
yes, Dick Van Dyke did dance with penguins in the chalk drawing scene where he and the penguins sang about all the wonderful women they knew but Mary Poppins was the best of the lot

Scott:
Oh, ok, different scene then. I was confused and thought the penguins were involved in the chimney sweeping.

Michelle:
in the chimney sweep scene, he was dancing with fireworks

Scott:
i'm not sure if that's more logical than dancing with penguins

Michelle:
is a Disney movie - logic doesn't come into it

Scott:
in that case why didn't he dance with screaming cannibal pygmy headhunters?

Scott teaches science

Today's science lesson, brought to you by Connex, providers of Cheap, Reliable and Amiable Public Transport, or C.R.A.P. Transport, is entitled "Yes, It Is Possible to Make a Train Journey of 5 Stations Last More Than 1 Hour", with illustrations by the famous conceptual artist Desperate Passenger.

Scott is militant

Let us celebrate our new found common cause by shooting some small rodents and invading a small landlocked country with an army of a half-dozen peasants armed with bananas.

Scott is multilingual

I speak Spazzlish.

Scott on robot angst

"Oh I am not worthy of your digital love!"
"My father never loved my diodes and therefore i have integer relationship issues."
"I was constructed with a 0.001% tolerance and I just don't know if that's enough any more."
"Is there a robot god? Will i go to Boolean Heaven when I do? Will my processor be judged worthy by floating point calculator at the gates of heaven or will I be condemned to be recycled as a web-enabled toaster?"

Scott and his pygmies

Scott:
Don't they know that every time someone says that, a screaming cannibal pygmy headhunter dies?

Michelle:
Obviously not - or they deliberately fiddled with the legend in Peter Pan because little girls relate better to fairies than to screaming cannibal pygmy headhunters.

Scott:
I believe in the original, true story: the children were led away by flying screaming cannibal pygmy headhunter to a magical land where children never grow up because that way their meat stays nice and tender.

Scott defines

archieved: having achieved archivement, which is like enlightenment but results in the achiever being locked away in a compactus in a subterranean vault with a barcode pasted to his/her forehead.

Scott on web design

Damn web designers.

"Say, you know how or webpage is easy to navigate and well laid out? Well let me tell you, that's old school. Web design has moved on. I propose we make everything much harder to find, we make navigation near impossible, and we embed lots of animations and flashy Java things that'll really slow down page loading."

"But won't that annoy our clients?"

"So? What do they know? This is web design!"

Scott meditates on chocolate

Today I bought some chocolate. I wasn't expecting a mind expanding experience, but was rather suprised to find myself entering a tranquil, calm and zen-like state while eating it that only experienced Buddhist masters on their fifth reincarnation could achieve.

Scott sexes up the classics

Scott:
you could be james' sexy science wench in a labcoat

Rebecca:
or your sexy librarian

Scott:
libraries are very erotic places. there should be more porn filmed in libraries.

Rebecca:
I'm sure that I could find some

Scott:
The Encyclopedia Sexannica
The Collected Works of William Dickspear
The Dewey Seximal System

Rebecca:
I'm disturbed and intrigued by your fantasies Scott

Scott:
So am I

Rebecca:
so, sexy librarians...

Scott:
enacting a pornographic Shakespeare knock-off entitled The Taming of the Screw, or possibly The Merchant of Penis

Rebecca:
And you told me you're normal? Hah!

Scott:
don't tell me you've never seen a production of MacBoff?

Rebecca:
I'm sadly lacking in the porn classics

Scott:
Philistine! I demand you go to your nearest library and request a copy of Titus Vaginacus.

Ok, that one just condemned me to hell.

Rebecca:
and an enternity in blogger heaven :P