Scott:
This is the headline from hell, guaranteed to kill your brain. The copy editor that came up with this one will probably be smirking for the rest of his life: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7390109.stm
Michelle:
one wonders how the Lesser Tits are getting on...
James:
Last I heard, they were forming a committee.
Scott:
A small committee?
James:
Very small. Itty-bitty, you could say.
Scott:
Which would then nicely lead itself to being called a... Committee for the Study of Climate Change Impact on Avian Species, in Particular the Lesser Tit.
James:
Catchy.
9 May 2008
16 April 2008
Scott goes to wrongtown express
Scott:
Aww, but I don't want to have sex with the leader of my cult, the Holy Order of the Enlightened Gnawing Cheese Weasel. He's insane and always dresses like a wheel of blue vein cheese.
James:
As everyone knows, cheese and sex are an unpleasant combination.
Scott:
And how.
"Ahh....wait, what are you doing?"
*somewhat muffled* "Umm....nothing."
"Are you eating some cheese?"
*somewhat muffled* "Um.....no..."
"You are! You're eating cheese! You've brought some cheese into bed and you're eating it off my crotch!"
"No no no, I'm, uh, giving you oral sex."
"I can't believe you brought some cheese into bed and decided to eat it instead of me!"
"What, would you like some?"
"Is it blue vein?"
"Yep!"
"Get out of my bedroom!"
Aww, but I don't want to have sex with the leader of my cult, the Holy Order of the Enlightened Gnawing Cheese Weasel. He's insane and always dresses like a wheel of blue vein cheese.
James:
As everyone knows, cheese and sex are an unpleasant combination.
Scott:
And how.
"Ahh....wait, what are you doing?"
*somewhat muffled* "Umm....nothing."
"Are you eating some cheese?"
*somewhat muffled* "Um.....no..."
"You are! You're eating cheese! You've brought some cheese into bed and you're eating it off my crotch!"
"No no no, I'm, uh, giving you oral sex."
"I can't believe you brought some cheese into bed and decided to eat it instead of me!"
"What, would you like some?"
"Is it blue vein?"
"Yep!"
"Get out of my bedroom!"
15 April 2008
Scott writes a content's page for Rebecca's assignment page... with help from James
Scott:
Abstract......................................1
Logistics analysis: Florist.............2
Logistics analysis: Bikeshop.........5
Logistics analysis: Thingie...........7
Data Tables................................7
Plans for Global Domination.......7
Conclusion.................................251
James:
Appendix 1 - Diagrams and charts showing that resistance is futile
Appendix 2 - Testimonials from those who recognise the inevitability
of my rise to benevolent dictator of the entire galaxy
Appendix 3 - Photos of me in corsets
Abstract......................................1
Logistics analysis: Florist.............2
Logistics analysis: Bikeshop.........5
Logistics analysis: Thingie...........7
Data Tables................................7
Plans for Global Domination.......7
Conclusion.................................251
James:
Appendix 1 - Diagrams and charts showing that resistance is futile
Appendix 2 - Testimonials from those who recognise the inevitability
of my rise to benevolent dictator of the entire galaxy
Appendix 3 - Photos of me in corsets
17 March 2008
Scott plays an adventure
Michelle:
good experiece for Sean
Scott:
Sean collects 250 XP points! Sean gains a level! Sean has learnt a new spell: Melfrump's Committee of Damacles!
Michelle:
Sean will need it all to battle the dreaded Migration Agent and her Ministerial of Doom
Scott:
Sean has triggered a trap! Sean must make his saving throw vs Infinite Policy Documents!
James:
Oh no! Sean has encountered a Red Tape Golem!
Scott:
Sean casts Hogrump's Greater Teleconference! Red Tape Golem is defeated! Sean gains 25 experience points! Sean has found the Fluorescent Marker of Emphasis!
Melfrump's Committee of Damacles:
When cast the target must immediately make a saving roll vs Bureaucratic Inertia. If the target fails their roll a spectral senior management board of committee will appear above the target's head. Any future decision the target makes, regardless of subject matter, urgency, or whether or not combat is currently taking place, must be approved by the committee before the target is allowed to undertake it. The Committee of Damacles may also provide a completely different decision than that initially proposed by the target. Duration of spell lasts for 2d20 rounds. If target refuses to enact the Committee's decision, duration of spell will be extended 1d4 rounds per refusal.
good experiece for Sean
Scott:
Sean collects 250 XP points! Sean gains a level! Sean has learnt a new spell: Melfrump's Committee of Damacles!
Michelle:
Sean will need it all to battle the dreaded Migration Agent and her Ministerial of Doom
Scott:
Sean has triggered a trap! Sean must make his saving throw vs Infinite Policy Documents!
James:
Oh no! Sean has encountered a Red Tape Golem!
Scott:
Sean casts Hogrump's Greater Teleconference! Red Tape Golem is defeated! Sean gains 25 experience points! Sean has found the Fluorescent Marker of Emphasis!
Melfrump's Committee of Damacles:
When cast the target must immediately make a saving roll vs Bureaucratic Inertia. If the target fails their roll a spectral senior management board of committee will appear above the target's head. Any future decision the target makes, regardless of subject matter, urgency, or whether or not combat is currently taking place, must be approved by the committee before the target is allowed to undertake it. The Committee of Damacles may also provide a completely different decision than that initially proposed by the target. Duration of spell lasts for 2d20 rounds. If target refuses to enact the Committee's decision, duration of spell will be extended 1d4 rounds per refusal.
20 February 2008
Scott bitches about scanning software
yes, secure internet gateway, lets scan everything thoroughly on the BoM weather radar site for hours because, you know, it could be a porn radar.
"And now for today's weather: a large, porn-bearing cloud band stretches across the continent from ex-tropical cyclone Debbie, who recently did Derby. Melbourne can expect occasional light showers of porn throughout the day, with heavy falls overnight. A road weather alert is in force due to possible patches of lubricant."
Scott on fish
You've gone to the wrong place for wriggling fish bits. Which begs the question of where the right place would be.
Scott on the work internet server's scanning stuff
an irritating, annoying pile of wank. a poorly implemented, badly coded, resource hogging, network throttling pile of wank. a pile of wank so enormously huge and wanky that its far, far larger than all previous wanks in the history of wanks on earth combined.
7 February 2008
Scott on weird clients
Scott:
Here's an opening sentence from one of my clients I wasn't expecting:
"I was born with Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, which did not let my penis grow to a full length."
James:
*boggle*
Is he seeking asylum from a nation proud of its large penises?
Scott:
I'm not really sure.....I can't say a great deal of what he's written makes sense. He mentions his penis right at the start and then never goes back to it. Its like "....and so I have a really small penis. Anyway, I think ducks are really funny. Do you like ducks? I like ducks. They go quack and they waddle. Hey, you know what's also cool? Geese. They're like......bigger ducks."
Here's an opening sentence from one of my clients I wasn't expecting:
"I was born with Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, which did not let my penis grow to a full length."
James:
*boggle*
Is he seeking asylum from a nation proud of its large penises?
Scott:
I'm not really sure.....I can't say a great deal of what he's written makes sense. He mentions his penis right at the start and then never goes back to it. Its like "....and so I have a really small penis. Anyway, I think ducks are really funny. Do you like ducks? I like ducks. They go quack and they waddle. Hey, you know what's also cool? Geese. They're like......bigger ducks."
5 February 2008
Scott on the concept that Foresty Studies = Tree engineering
"What can you make with this tree?"
"Well, I could cut it down."
"Besides that I mean. What could you use the material to construct?"
"Well.........I could cut it down."
"No, you're missing the point. This is tree engineering. You can construct something out of the tree or in the tree or using the tree, do you understand?"
"Oooh I see. Sure."
"Ok, so, what can you make with this tree?"
"I could cut it down with a chainsaw instead of an axe."
"Well, I could cut it down."
"Besides that I mean. What could you use the material to construct?"
"Well.........I could cut it down."
"No, you're missing the point. This is tree engineering. You can construct something out of the tree or in the tree or using the tree, do you understand?"
"Oooh I see. Sure."
"Ok, so, what can you make with this tree?"
"I could cut it down with a chainsaw instead of an axe."
Scott is a disease
"Mr Smith, I'm afraid we have some bad news. You've got Spazziloscottus Morbidii."
"Oh my god! Is it fatal?"
"I'm afraid so, yes. But on the plus side it'll make you very cute and you'll have a ball...."
"That doesn't sound too bad."
"....up until the time your skull exploads due to the massively swollen goat that is currently growing in your brain."
"Erk."
"Oh my god! Is it fatal?"
"I'm afraid so, yes. But on the plus side it'll make you very cute and you'll have a ball...."
"That doesn't sound too bad."
"....up until the time your skull exploads due to the massively swollen goat that is currently growing in your brain."
"Erk."
Scott channels a lawyer
"Fools! You know not what terrors you will leash upon us all if you do not heed my advice!"
"What, you think the wording's wrong?"
"Plagues of locusts! Boiling seas! Rains of fish! Lobsters driving cars! Gangs of nuns roaming the streets! Puppies eating children! Flying pandas! Earthquakes! Giant steaming eleph-"
"All right, we'll change the damn wording!"
"Excellent. Here's my bill."
"What, you think the wording's wrong?"
"Plagues of locusts! Boiling seas! Rains of fish! Lobsters driving cars! Gangs of nuns roaming the streets! Puppies eating children! Flying pandas! Earthquakes! Giant steaming eleph-"
"All right, we'll change the damn wording!"
"Excellent. Here's my bill."
1 February 2008
Scott's book of monsters
The Monster Book of Monster Spotting has this to say about the McPoutbeast:
"Famed for its ability to cry and run away when confronted, the McPoutbeast is, as its names suggests, all pouting lips, sad puppy dog eyes and waving tentacles. It is a common misconception that this beast does not have legs at all, but on closer examination it can be seen to perambulate on anywhere between 16 and 32 stumpy legs. However, as they are ridiculously undersized and its lips are enormously over-sized, they can be hard to spot. Bizarrely, the beast does not seem to have anything that could be described as a "body" - the legs appear to attach to the underside of the lips and the famous puppy dog eyes and eyebrows afix to the top of the lips. It is postulated that there must be a core behind the lips that contains all the bodily organs, but no one has ever been able to peer far enough around the lips to see it. The "Mc" part of its name can be attributed to the fact that it appears to have a Scottish accent, though this has been disputed by a minority of monster spotters."
"Famed for its ability to cry and run away when confronted, the McPoutbeast is, as its names suggests, all pouting lips, sad puppy dog eyes and waving tentacles. It is a common misconception that this beast does not have legs at all, but on closer examination it can be seen to perambulate on anywhere between 16 and 32 stumpy legs. However, as they are ridiculously undersized and its lips are enormously over-sized, they can be hard to spot. Bizarrely, the beast does not seem to have anything that could be described as a "body" - the legs appear to attach to the underside of the lips and the famous puppy dog eyes and eyebrows afix to the top of the lips. It is postulated that there must be a core behind the lips that contains all the bodily organs, but no one has ever been able to peer far enough around the lips to see it. The "Mc" part of its name can be attributed to the fact that it appears to have a Scottish accent, though this has been disputed by a minority of monster spotters."
Scott gets into spam advertising
"Are you content with your penis?"
"Well, yeah. Sure."
"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T BE!!! IF YOU CAN'T LOG A SCANDINAVIAN FOREST WITH IT THEN ITS NOT BIG ENOUGH! IF ITS NOT ERECT FOR 10 HOURS A DAY THEN YOU'RE NOT A MAN!! IF ITS NOT AS HARD AS F--CKING STEEL THEN ITS A F--CKING 2-MINUTE NOODLE!! YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FIT IT IN YOUR PANTS!! YOU SHOULD BE HAVING TOUBLE SITTING DOWN!! YOU SHOULD BE MOSES PARTING THE SEAS WITH YOUR DICK!! YOU SHOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR HAVING A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS WHEN YOU SWIM!! YOU SHOULD BE CARVING F--CKING GLACIAL VALLEYS WITH IT AS YOU WALK!! IF ITS NOT CASTING A SHADOW ON THE TAIPEI-101 TOWER WHEN YOU LIE ON YOUR BACK THEN YOU'RE A F--CKING GIRL!!
"But....but, my girlfriend likes it and she says - "
"BUT NOTHING!! BUY THE F--CKING PILLS!!"
I so should get into spam advertising.
"Well, yeah. Sure."
"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T BE!!! IF YOU CAN'T LOG A SCANDINAVIAN FOREST WITH IT THEN ITS NOT BIG ENOUGH! IF ITS NOT ERECT FOR 10 HOURS A DAY THEN YOU'RE NOT A MAN!! IF ITS NOT AS HARD AS F--CKING STEEL THEN ITS A F--CKING 2-MINUTE NOODLE!! YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FIT IT IN YOUR PANTS!! YOU SHOULD BE HAVING TOUBLE SITTING DOWN!! YOU SHOULD BE MOSES PARTING THE SEAS WITH YOUR DICK!! YOU SHOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR HAVING A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS WHEN YOU SWIM!! YOU SHOULD BE CARVING F--CKING GLACIAL VALLEYS WITH IT AS YOU WALK!! IF ITS NOT CASTING A SHADOW ON THE TAIPEI-101 TOWER WHEN YOU LIE ON YOUR BACK THEN YOU'RE A F--CKING GIRL!!
"But....but, my girlfriend likes it and she says - "
"BUT NOTHING!! BUY THE F--CKING PILLS!!"
I so should get into spam advertising.
30 January 2008
Scott and zombie blogging
"Hi and welcome to today's edition of TechWatch. In the past few years we've witnessed the rise of the blog from being the repository for the bad poetry of emo-afflicted teenagers to a genuine news source that is challenging the old world beacons of Tv, radio and newspapers. One of the latest news-related blogs and the one that has been getting the most attention is 'The Graaaaawwhhh... Report'. Written by 'The Trilby-ed Zombie', the blog has been regularly scooping most of the mainstream media with its accurate and hardhitting journalism, and also run scoops on the recent spate of violent celebrity deaths. It now regularly gets 500,000 hits a day and is clearly a favourite of those seeking a break from mainstream news sources.
However, The Graaaaaawhhh... Report also has its detractors, most notably media mogul Rupert Merkin who, in his own blog, posted the following: 'I mean, what's with you people? Every f--king post is either "Graaaargh" or "Braaaainnnss" or "Gnurrrwwwghh. That's all, nothing else. This is not journalism! The Trilby-ed Zombie did not f--cking scoop us with the Dick Cheney Goat Sex Death Cult story! All he wrote is "Gnnuurrrrghh"! You people are f--cking morons!'
This diatribe has not gone down well with the internet community, who have responded by calling the mogul "mad", "jealous", a "poor loser", "old fashioned and out of touch" and "pwned!". It also lead to a large jump in the blog's audience. Needless to say it appears there's been a seachange in the news industry, and it looks like The Graaaaaawwhhh.... Report will only become bigger with each day."
Scott's zombie American Idol
"Tonight on American Idol, zombie Bub puts all on the line before the judges with his interpretation of the Beatle's 'Yellow Submarine'!
Zombie Bub: Graaaaaaahhh...
Simon Cowell: Well that was simply the worst thing I've ever heard. I mean it wasn't even singing, it was just moaning, and it wasn't even in time!
Paula Abdul: Shutup Simon! He's a zombie, he's done really well to get here and I for one love him!
Simon: Oh shutup yourself, you silly slag! He's rubbish, you're rubbish, you haven't even got the brains for the zombie to eat, you're....arrrgh! She's set me on fire!"
All this an more on tonight's spellbinding episode of American Idol! Brought to you by Zombie Motors, we put the 'Graaaaahhh....' back into driving!"
Zombie Bub: Graaaaaaahhh...
Simon Cowell: Well that was simply the worst thing I've ever heard. I mean it wasn't even singing, it was just moaning, and it wasn't even in time!
Paula Abdul: Shutup Simon! He's a zombie, he's done really well to get here and I for one love him!
Simon: Oh shutup yourself, you silly slag! He's rubbish, you're rubbish, you haven't even got the brains for the zombie to eat, you're....arrrgh! She's set me on fire!"
All this an more on tonight's spellbinding episode of American Idol! Brought to you by Zombie Motors, we put the 'Graaaaahhh....' back into driving!"
14 January 2008
Scott is followed by pirates
I'm sure the boy would prefer not to have a pirate vessel tagging along by his side.
"Hi John, how are............um, is that a pirate ship?"
"Look, just ignore it ok? It just started following me around and it won't go away."
"Ignore it? Its a frggin' pirate ship! Look, its even got pirates on board! AND they're buckling swashes!"
"They're doing it to get attention. Just pretend they aren't there ok? God this is so embarrasing. What am I going to tell mum? There's not enough petfood for them AND the cat and dog at home! LOOK, FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO FOLLOW AROUND, WILL YOU?!"
"Aww....look, now you've made them all sad. Hey, I wonder if they can do any tricks?"
"I don't care, I just want them to go away already."
"Nah, I bet they know all kinds of cool tricks, like.......pillaging and plundering and stealing booty. HEY BOYS, CAN YOU STEAL BOOTY? CAN YA? HUH? HUH? Aw look at them, they're so cute, they're bouncing all around the place in excitement!"
"Damn it Paul, stop encouraging them!"
"Hi John, how are............um, is that a pirate ship?"
"Look, just ignore it ok? It just started following me around and it won't go away."
"Ignore it? Its a frggin' pirate ship! Look, its even got pirates on board! AND they're buckling swashes!"
"They're doing it to get attention. Just pretend they aren't there ok? God this is so embarrasing. What am I going to tell mum? There's not enough petfood for them AND the cat and dog at home! LOOK, FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO FOLLOW AROUND, WILL YOU?!"
"Aww....look, now you've made them all sad. Hey, I wonder if they can do any tricks?"
"I don't care, I just want them to go away already."
"Nah, I bet they know all kinds of cool tricks, like.......pillaging and plundering and stealing booty. HEY BOYS, CAN YOU STEAL BOOTY? CAN YA? HUH? HUH? Aw look at them, they're so cute, they're bouncing all around the place in excitement!"
"Damn it Paul, stop encouraging them!"
10 January 2008
Scott doesn't like work
Scott:
how dare a client call me on my first day back at work to discuss his case! Doesn't he know I have no idea about his case and that I can't be arsed looking at it right now?! The rudeness and impertinence of the man!
Rebecca:
Did you explain your displeasure to the client?
Scott:
no, i just sounded like a derelict drunk muttering about babboons spying on me
"Mr Brennan, can I email you my reponse to your letter rather than mailing it by hand?"
"muttermuttersnortmutterdamnbabboons......is'll a consp...a con....a sponcriracy by theguvment.....muttermutter....eyes....wha' me e'rywhere....robot mon'eys!"
how dare a client call me on my first day back at work to discuss his case! Doesn't he know I have no idea about his case and that I can't be arsed looking at it right now?! The rudeness and impertinence of the man!
Rebecca:
Did you explain your displeasure to the client?
Scott:
no, i just sounded like a derelict drunk muttering about babboons spying on me
"Mr Brennan, can I email you my reponse to your letter rather than mailing it by hand?"
"muttermuttersnortmutterdamnbabboons......is'll a consp...a con....a sponcriracy by theguvment.....muttermutter....eyes....wha' me e'rywhere....robot mon'eys!"
Scott on James's wrongness
The relationship between weasels and the prevalence of ferocious mountain gazebos is not linear but in fact exponential. Eventually the number of weasel/gazebos reaches a steady state of supra-inverted quantum matter that I call "Hurtzberger Prime". The formation of HP matter conculsively proves that I am unable to achieve the same state of wrongness that James is able to.
12 December 2007
Scott's wenches
Amber:
Scott, we should have thrown him a wench
Scott:
I'm all out of emergency wenches, unfortunately.
Amber:
get me a fathom o' wenches! On the double! Yarrrrrrrrr
Scott:
Quick, Timmy's fallen down the well! Throw him the emergency wench!
Amber:
Sarge, I've just been downstairs and our emergency wenches have all mysteriously disappeared. You know we've already talked about this kind of thing.
Scott:
Go search the lockers, Constable, I think you'll find the wenches stuffed inside. The boys have obviously forgotten to put the wenches back in the supply room after use.
Scott, we should have thrown him a wench
Scott:
I'm all out of emergency wenches, unfortunately.
Amber:
get me a fathom o' wenches! On the double! Yarrrrrrrrr
Scott:
Quick, Timmy's fallen down the well! Throw him the emergency wench!
Amber:
Sarge, I've just been downstairs and our emergency wenches have all mysteriously disappeared. You know we've already talked about this kind of thing.
Scott:
Go search the lockers, Constable, I think you'll find the wenches stuffed inside. The boys have obviously forgotten to put the wenches back in the supply room after use.
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