Scott likes computer products

Rebecca:
I have a new email address

And using Lotus Notes again is the suck.

Scott:
As an official IBM employee you're not allowed to say that. Remember, Lotus Notes is a fully featured data recording and manipulating tool that can be tailored to meet the specific requirements of each work place, provided that the specific requirements were developed by a goat sniffing lunatic with a Barry Manilow obssession.

"Have you tried using our Lotus Notes software?"
"Yes, and it blows."
"Ah, that would have been the old version! I think you'll find our latest release meets all your needs and then some!"
"Yes, but only if I'm an insane one armed gerbil herder that only travels by pogostick and writes long diatribes to national newspapers about aliens, lizard people, mind control rays and how the US government will be replaced by a race of sentient spoons that will enforce mandatory accordion ownership."
"Ok, yes, fair point, but if you are that one armed gerbil herder think how wonderfully Lotus Notes will organise your diatribes!"
"I am going to stab you now."

Nadia:
And do you get a computer to go with it?

Scott:
Silly, of course not! This is IBM, only customers get computers. Staff have to make do with a monkey, a chisel and a stone tablet. Staff used to chisel their own emails but that was seen to be an OH&S issue, so now every IBM staffer gets their own macaque to chisel emails dictated to them. Its quite efficient and only approx 25% of emails end up being about poo flinging.

James:
I initially read that as "staff used to chisel their own entrails".

I was momentarily disturbed.

Scott:
Mmmm auto-extispicy.

Nadia:
Mmm spicy entrails. Pulverized entrail empanadas anyone?

Scott:
There's absolutely no way in hell I'll be able to explain to my staff why I'm giggling at my desk right now. They'll think I've gone insane.

Scott has sinus goblins

Scott:
Its like there's goblins in my head making noises

James:
Fetch me a kebab skewer and I'll get rid of the goblins for you.

Scott:
I fear for my brain. Specifically I fear my brain being stabbed due to your overly enthusiastic sinus goblin skewering.

Michelle:
you two are being very disturbing again!

Scott:
But you haven't heard the song about it yet

Michelle:
sing it for me at lunch...

James:
I think it goes:

See the little goblin
See his little feet
And his little toes-y-woes
Isn't the goblin sw- AAARGH!!! GET THAT SKEWER OUT OF MY NOSE!!!

Scott:
Oh I am a sinus goblin and a I sail the sinus seas!
With my trusty sinus spoon I fill your sinuses with peas!

James:
Sounds a bit like a sinus pirate...

Scott:
You've not seen the jolly roger sticking out of my left nostril?