Scott has language

Scott:
bah. i feel bad about saying this, but not only does this colleague (who is working here temporarily while someone is on maternity leave) have a classical witch's hooked nose, but she wears WAY too much makeup and perfume. The smell makes me ill when she walks past.

Rebecca:
tell her you are scent sensitive and find the amount of perfume she wears makes you feel ill

Scott:
I wonder if there's anyway i can get her to say "i'll get you my pretty and your little dog too"?

mmmm....i think i'm going to hell for that thought. i take it back.

Rebecca:
well there is... write it down on a post-it-note and stick it on her desk. She'll probably read it out loud before looking around the room for who wrote it... and perhaps not even understanding where its from. Make sure you disguise your handwriting though

Scott:
no, i refuse. even if she has the honker of a witch and wear's enough makeup to safely protect the underside of the shuttle during re-entry that doesn't make her a bad person

Scott:
and in the meantime i shall learn how to us apostrophes.

Rebecca:

an excellent idea

Scott:
and also how to type.

Rebecca:
you're asking a bit much aren't you?

Scott:
clearyl

Rebecca:
let's start small

Scott:
mmm cheese

Rebecca:
well I was thinking apostrophes

Scott:
but i can't eat apostrophes, or have melted ones on toast

Rebecca:
did we say you could?

Scott's latest comment on this blog

may that blog make all those that read it suffer a painful death by a

million screaming knife wielding pygmies.

Scott has nooks and crannies

Rebecca:
*laugh* Yay for nooks and crannies
What crannies do men have anyway?

Scott:
oh, the usual ones.

Rebecca:
be more specific

Scott:
you demand cranny specificity?

Rebecca:
I demand a map or at least a good description

Scott:
no, my crannies shall remain mysterious.

Rebecca:
why?

Scott:
because there be dragons

Rebecca:
you can fit dragons into your crannies? Now I am intrigued

Scott:
i have amazing crannies

Rebecca:
evidently

Scott:
Lonely Planet wrote a guide book about them

Rebecca:
What did they call this book?

Scott:
the Rough Guide to Scott's Intriguing Crannies.

Rebecca:
and where would I buy a copy?

Scott:
Any bad book shop should have one.

Rebecca:
so you won't tell me about your crannies, but everyone else knows?

Scott:
ah the mysteries of life.

Scott is sane

I am cheese weasel! I wear a crownly wheel of cheese! Virgins shall be sacrificed in my giant fondu!

Scott loves training

God forgive me but this presenter looks so like a hot air balloon. I keep expecting him to float up to the ceiling.

Scott is random

Insert tab A into slot B and shake vigorously

Scott does not enjoy his training course

If the rest of the course goes as slowly as this morning I will either explode or mutate into a giant enraged radioactive beaver and destroy Tokyo

Scott the mad scientist

Its alive! *cackles* Take that society of mad scientists, you who told me the monster would never rise from its bed! You have all been proved to be the hacks you always were! Now cower as I unleash the beast upon you all!

Scott has a day off

Scott:
i don't have to work this friday. yay me! *does happy lazy friday dance*

Michelle:
*throws large heavy object at Scott*

Scott:
*scott's dancing produces unpredictable and random gyrations, thus making targetting impossible. its almost as if he breaks the laws of physics.*

Michelle:
*sets Scotty onto Scott to stop him breaking the laws of physics*

James:
-2 to hit, -4 to AC

Scott might have a pope hat

Scott:
because i shy, my pope hats are not for publicness

Rebecca:
I wasn't asking if you were going to wear it publically

Scott:
hmmm, i read that as pubically first

Rebecca:
and you say *I* have a one track mind.
You could wear it pubically too if you like

Scott:
no, that would be disturbing.
"look! my willy is the pope! yay pope willy the 3rd!"

Scott and the private sector

Rebecca:
I've worked as a public servant for too long. These things matter little to us and the private sector is a whole new world

Scott:
Private sector? Is that the bit on the map that says here be dragons?

Rebecca:
yeah that one... I might stray there in the future and set off to bravely explore where few have explored before

Scott:
Eeek! Don't forget to wear your special private sector chainmail underwear when you do.

Scott on being blogged today

Rebecca:
you're having fun making me go and blog you lots today aren't you?

Scott:
I've given up fighting it, attempting to stop your evil is like trying to empty the pacific ocean using a straw :P

Scott provides some definitions of the term "bah"

"you're wrong"
"don't make me laugh"
"maroon and purple ARE the same colour"
"i find your hypothesis doubtful"

and

"an alternative political system based on the behaviour of african elephants is not feasible at this point in time."

Scott is a public servant

Scott:
and it would appear i haven't had any sick leave without medical certificates this year. i been good.

Rebecca:
so be "sick" sometime

Scott:
possibly. when i not El Juaning

Rebecca:
don't let El Juaning stop you

Scott:
*strikes pose* i have responsibilities and obligations! my duty is to remain at the helm even as the ship sinks!

Rebecca:
hello... you're a public servant

Scott:
a servant of the public! i shall set a shining example of servitude!

Scott and evil chicken overlords

James:

Krap Karate does not work on chickens.*

* Nor, as it happens, on anything else

Scott:

Hehe. I just had a mental picture of an evil chicken overlord, dressed in evil overlord uniform, sneering down at cartoon superhero and declaring "Krap Karate does not work on chickens". Then he unleashes the giant robot chicken army of doom.

Scott is sexy

Rebecca: Scott will strip for me!

Scott: No, I strip for myself. Da-da-daaa... Oooh! I turn myself on!

Scott bans Christmas

The Department has determined that your claims for Christmas do not engage Australia's public holiday obligations and as a result your Christmas has been refused. Please note you have 28 days from the date of this letter to appeal to the Christmas Review Tribunal or to depart Christmas and find a new holiday altogether. Failure to do either by the date specified may result in your detention in a Public Holiday Detention Centre.

Scott on road building

Rebecca:
I'm only pretending to be here while I answer a bloody long survey... why did I have to be randomly selected?

James:
Have you ever used a theodolite before?

Rebecca:
What is a theodolite again?

James:
A theodolite is that telescope-on-a-tripod thing surveyors use.

Scott:
"Arrrrr", said the surveyor, "this be a fine place to build road. Fetch me pirate road building wenches!"

Scott writes songs about porridge

*sung to the the tune of the whitlam's "no aphrodisiac"*

Porridge for you in the kitchen
we're not having toast anymore
gotta eat it up quickly
or i'll give it away to the homeless and poor

There's no breakfast cereal like porridge-ness
as it drips off the spoon and goes gloop.

Scott writes to James's (now ex) boss

*stomps over to James' office*

Hi Andrew

I'm concerned about the lack of direction and instruction you've been providing James [surname]. The inability to provide him with information is not grounds to then complain about the quality of the work he produces, and I would fully expect you to improve in that regard. Additionally I find your lack of consideration for his personal situation to be appalling. With respect I think you should take your head out of your arse and allow me to kick said arse repeatedly with my big boots of stompy arse kicking. Failure to respond to this notice will imply consent to the arse kicking. Responding to this notice will also imply consent. You're screwed either way.

Cheers
Scott

Scott has special cheese powers

Rebecca:
the cheese fiend

Scott:
demonic and all-powerful

Rebecca:
oooh mysterious cheese powers

Scott:
yes. summon cheese, hold cheese. power word cheese. speak to cheese.

Scott's childhood illustrations

pictures of near-stick figure men with prominent nipples wearing top hats while swimming. a lovely picture of our dog at the time levitating outside the house with the wonderfully evocative description "my dog goes up and down". an easter card for my mother with a cowboy riding a dinosaur while a volcano explodes in the background all under the joyful motto "easter is dead. happy easter."

Scott on breasts

Rebecca:
that's why a whole lot of cross over things look bad on me. I don't have generic sized breasts

Scott:
i find the concept of generic breasts amusing

Scott on afternoon

pfft, you call this an afternoon? when i were a lad we had REAL afternoons, afternoons you couild sink your teeth into. you don't get those sort of afternoons anymore.

Scott is simple

Scott:
nah, i simple. cut me open and analyse my DNA and the chromosomes will spell "simple"

Rebecca:
Don't tempt me

Scott:
you and what army, puny human?

Rebecca:
Me and myself and I. I don't need an army bigger than that. If you so simple, you will crumble before my complication

Scott on being blogged

i hate you all and hope you get attacked by rabid mongooses. mongeese. mongooosi. whatever.

Scott and initiative

Scott:

*rolls eyes*

Rebecca:

and?

Scott:

I rolled a 9

Rebecca:

Well done you won initiative

Scott:

i attack with +3 flaming Paddle of Enforced Correction

Scott wins

Rebecca:

I nicely evil

Scott:

in the same way that Stalin was humourously vindictive

Rebecca:

that's no fair

Scott:

but you have dictatorial ambitions

Rebecca:

this is very true

Scott:

so the comparison is valid. i have now won the debate and will bask in my own glory.

Amber:

I hope you have a mirror or something, then

Rebecca:

and a big one at that

Scott:

indeed, for my glory is big. huge even.

Scott on his own sexiness and applying for a promotion

Michelle:

poor Scott - you'll have to rely on getting the answers right rather than coasting through on your looks...

Scott:

well I guess I'm in trouble now...

Rebecca:

well you can always not do it and just transfer into the city as an APS 6

Scott:

but $350 extra a fortnight is nice.

And as good as my looks are I don't think I can ask for a supplementary 'hotness' bonus from the department to match that extra money.

Scott and logic

If I have no idea what you're talking about then what you're talking about is completely illogical. If I had an idea of what you were talking about then world would operate in a completely illogical way I could expect my car to explode in a shower of chickens next time I put the key in the ignition.

Scott might go to a party

I guess I could wander along if I happened to be floating around your neck of the woods on that night, and I think the chances of me floating around your neck of the woods that night might well be high.

Scott complaining about the topics of this blog... already

did she pick my essay on the subjective nature of the writings of Camus? of course not. what about my dissertation on the similarities between the early writings of Jack Kerouac and the works of pre-raphaelite nuns with big bottoms? of course not. she chose a weird one.

Scott on James being excited to have received email from Rebecca

Becmail. Like Gmail but every email you write ends up being about elephants no matter what you initially start writing. By and large it has not proved to be as popular as Gmail, except amongst elephant trainers and pachyderm keepers at zoos

Scott doesn't aimlessly rant

Scott: yes but I am not some aimless ranter. My rants have subtlety and detail. Nay, even delicacy!

Scott on careers

Amber:
I want a livelihood based on Scott being weird.
I'd never have to work again.

Rebecca:
I keep telling him to be a comedian

Scott:
yes, but you're notoriously bad at picking careers for people :P

Rebecca:
And what evidence do you base that on?

Scott:
the fact that you told Adolf Hitler he'd be best suited as the breeder of rare ornamental chickens.

Rebecca:
well I was right. If he'd just followed my advice imagine where we'd all be now

Scott:
what, you mean facing an unstoppable army of fascist Storm Chickens? Being fired upon by tanks armed with pneumatic chicken cannons?

Rebecca:
that's the thing, chickens aren't unstoppable.... and you can cook the remains

Scott:
armoured fascist chickens. in tanks.

Rebecca:
pre-roasted chickens after you firebomb them
and who cares if they are fascist or not?

Scott:
the other chickens they are oppressing care

Rebecca:
I think chickens count for little in this world

Scott:
But not to Adolf Hitler, ornamental chicken breeder