Scott bitches about scanning software

yes, secure internet gateway, lets scan everything thoroughly on the BoM weather radar site for hours because, you know, it could be a porn radar.

"And now for today's weather: a large, porn-bearing cloud band stretches across the continent from ex-tropical cyclone Debbie, who recently did Derby. Melbourne can expect occasional light showers of porn throughout the day, with heavy falls overnight. A road weather alert is in force due to possible patches of lubricant."

Scott on love

Love is contagious, it breeds snugs and snoggles.

Scott on fish

You've gone to the wrong place for wriggling fish bits. Which begs the question of where the right place would be.

Scott on the work internet server's scanning stuff

an irritating, annoying pile of wank. a poorly implemented, badly coded, resource hogging, network throttling pile of wank. a pile of wank so enormously huge and wanky that its far, far larger than all previous wanks in the history of wanks on earth combined.

Scott on weird clients

Scott:
Here's an opening sentence from one of my clients I wasn't expecting:
"I was born with Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, which did not let my penis grow to a full length."

James:
*boggle*
Is he seeking asylum from a nation proud of its large penises?

Scott:
I'm not really sure.....I can't say a great deal of what he's written makes sense. He mentions his penis right at the start and then never goes back to it. Its like "....and so I have a really small penis. Anyway, I think ducks are really funny. Do you like ducks? I like ducks. They go quack and they waddle. Hey, you know what's also cool? Geese. They're like......bigger ducks."

Scott on the concept that Foresty Studies = Tree engineering

"What can you make with this tree?"
"Well, I could cut it down."
"Besides that I mean. What could you use the material to construct?"
"Well.........I could cut it down."
"No, you're missing the point. This is tree engineering. You can construct something out of the tree or in the tree or using the tree, do you understand?"
"Oooh I see. Sure."
"Ok, so, what can you make with this tree?"
"I could cut it down with a chainsaw instead of an axe."

Scott is a disease

"Mr Smith, I'm afraid we have some bad news. You've got Spazziloscottus Morbidii."
"Oh my god! Is it fatal?"
"I'm afraid so, yes. But on the plus side it'll make you very cute and you'll have a ball...."
"That doesn't sound too bad."
"....up until the time your skull exploads due to the massively swollen goat that is currently growing in your brain."
"Erk."

Scott channels a lawyer

"Fools! You know not what terrors you will leash upon us all if you do not heed my advice!"
"What, you think the wording's wrong?"
"Plagues of locusts! Boiling seas! Rains of fish! Lobsters driving cars! Gangs of nuns roaming the streets! Puppies eating children! Flying pandas! Earthquakes! Giant steaming eleph-"
"All right, we'll change the damn wording!"
"Excellent. Here's my bill."

Scott's book of monsters

The Monster Book of Monster Spotting has this to say about the McPoutbeast:

"Famed for its ability to cry and run away when confronted, the McPoutbeast is, as its names suggests, all pouting lips, sad puppy dog eyes and waving tentacles. It is a common misconception that this beast does not have legs at all, but on closer examination it can be seen to perambulate on anywhere between 16 and 32 stumpy legs. However, as they are ridiculously undersized and its lips are enormously over-sized, they can be hard to spot. Bizarrely, the beast does not seem to have anything that could be described as a "body" - the legs appear to attach to the underside of the lips and the famous puppy dog eyes and eyebrows afix to the top of the lips. It is postulated that there must be a core behind the lips that contains all the bodily organs, but no one has ever been able to peer far enough around the lips to see it. The "Mc" part of its name can be attributed to the fact that it appears to have a Scottish accent, though this has been disputed by a minority of monster spotters."

Scott gets into spam advertising

"Are you content with your penis?"
"Well, yeah. Sure."
"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T BE!!! IF YOU CAN'T LOG A SCANDINAVIAN FOREST WITH IT THEN ITS NOT BIG ENOUGH! IF ITS NOT ERECT FOR 10 HOURS A DAY THEN YOU'RE NOT A MAN!! IF ITS NOT AS HARD AS F--CKING STEEL THEN ITS A F--CKING 2-MINUTE NOODLE!! YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FIT IT IN YOUR PANTS!! YOU SHOULD BE HAVING TOUBLE SITTING DOWN!! YOU SHOULD BE MOSES PARTING THE SEAS WITH YOUR DICK!! YOU SHOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR HAVING A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS WHEN YOU SWIM!! YOU SHOULD BE CARVING F--CKING GLACIAL VALLEYS WITH IT AS YOU WALK!! IF ITS NOT CASTING A SHADOW ON THE TAIPEI-101 TOWER WHEN YOU LIE ON YOUR BACK THEN YOU'RE A F--CKING GIRL!!
"But....but, my girlfriend likes it and she says - "
"BUT NOTHING!! BUY THE F--CKING PILLS!!"

I so should get into spam advertising.