Now I have the "Safety Dance" song in my head.
"We can snooze if we want to
we can leave your work behind
'cause you need to snooze and if you don't snooze
well you're just going to die."
17 February 2009
16 February 2009
Scott Newsroom
"In shocking news today James D stated that the "old MP3 is the audio layer from v2" while apparently of the belief that what he was saying was off the record. World leaders have unanimously expressed shock and outrage at these appalling sentiments and the Vatican press office released a statement at noon stating that the Pope hoped Mr D would burn in media file hell and may his dangly bits be used as shuttlecocks in games of demonic badminton."
Scott investigates corruption
"Major-General Anderson? I wonder if you could spare me a a few minutes of your time to answer some questions?"
"I'm a very busy man these days you know, but sure. Shoot."
"I'm from the DA's office and I'd like to talk about some money that went missing while you were in charge of it in Iraq. Quite a lot of money actually."
"Nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, son. I did my bit to help rebuild that nation for the greater glory of God himself."
"Yes well, we can't help noticing that the $500 million that was sent your way seemed to just.....disappear."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean there doesn't appear to be any new hospitals or sewers or roads or schools or houses or, well, anything."
"Well you can't just start building from scratch you know. There's plans that need doing, and land to clear, and builders to pay and the like."
"Uh-huh. I can't help noticing that since your retirement from the military that you've built yourself a $500 million dollar mansion."
"Mansion?! Good golly boy, it ain't no mansion! Just a quiet little bungalow for the wife and myself."
"It has 60 bedrooms and an indoor monster truck track."
"Uh...no it doesn't."
"Yes it does."
"No, no, doesn't sound like my house at all"
"We're standing in front of it."
"Uh....no we're not."
"You just walked out of it."
".......well ok, maybe it is my house, but I paid for it and built it out of my own money!"
"You built a $500 million house from your military salary?"
"Sure I did...."
"........how?"
"Well you see its......made from recycled material that we, uh, scrounged from the local community and....garbage dumps."
"You're saying you just found stuff to make your house out of?"
"Uh, yes. Yes indeed!"
"Enough stuff to build a 60 bedroom little bungalow?"
"Uh....sure."
"And furnish it too, of course."
"......all recycled...."
"And you just happened to find a 5ft solid gold statue of yourself carrying a suitcase full of money out of Baghdad, which I can't help noticing appears to be the central item of interest in your front lawn."
"......would you believe it was a gift from a grateful Baghdad populace?"
"No."
"Oh. Listen, maybe we can cut a deal? If you give me, say, $100 million will you turn a blind eye?"
"Wait, are you suggesting I pay you a bribe to keep me from investigating you?"
"Sure, that's how it worked in Iraq!"
"Ok, I think I need to arrest you now before you do something bad, like breed."
"So where did all the construction money go?"
"Well like I said there were plans, equipment...uh....land to be cleared....workers to train and pay...and uh.....other stuff... Catering! We had to buy food for everyone, all the workers. Like.....tuna sandwiches and stuff..."
"You spend $500 million on tuna sandwiches?"
"Well I'm told there were other types of fish too."
"Such as?"
"Um.........salmon? That's a kind of fish, isn't it?"
"So you spent $500 million on tuna and salmon sandwiches to feed a workforce that we've found no record of you actually employing who used equipment you hadn't bought to clear land that didn't need clearing to construct buildings that were never built?"
"Well when you say it like that of course it's going to sound bad!"
"So how should I say it?"
"We spent $500 million on good will gestures! Community outreach programs! Nation building! Social improvement networks! Synergised neighbourhood experincalisation opportunities!"
"Paying your bank account manager."
Paying my bank acc - wait, not that one."
"I'm a very busy man these days you know, but sure. Shoot."
"I'm from the DA's office and I'd like to talk about some money that went missing while you were in charge of it in Iraq. Quite a lot of money actually."
"Nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, son. I did my bit to help rebuild that nation for the greater glory of God himself."
"Yes well, we can't help noticing that the $500 million that was sent your way seemed to just.....disappear."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean there doesn't appear to be any new hospitals or sewers or roads or schools or houses or, well, anything."
"Well you can't just start building from scratch you know. There's plans that need doing, and land to clear, and builders to pay and the like."
"Uh-huh. I can't help noticing that since your retirement from the military that you've built yourself a $500 million dollar mansion."
"Mansion?! Good golly boy, it ain't no mansion! Just a quiet little bungalow for the wife and myself."
"It has 60 bedrooms and an indoor monster truck track."
"Uh...no it doesn't."
"Yes it does."
"No, no, doesn't sound like my house at all"
"We're standing in front of it."
"Uh....no we're not."
"You just walked out of it."
".......well ok, maybe it is my house, but I paid for it and built it out of my own money!"
"You built a $500 million house from your military salary?"
"Sure I did...."
"........how?"
"Well you see its......made from recycled material that we, uh, scrounged from the local community and....garbage dumps."
"You're saying you just found stuff to make your house out of?"
"Uh, yes. Yes indeed!"
"Enough stuff to build a 60 bedroom little bungalow?"
"Uh....sure."
"And furnish it too, of course."
"......all recycled...."
"And you just happened to find a 5ft solid gold statue of yourself carrying a suitcase full of money out of Baghdad, which I can't help noticing appears to be the central item of interest in your front lawn."
"......would you believe it was a gift from a grateful Baghdad populace?"
"No."
"Oh. Listen, maybe we can cut a deal? If you give me, say, $100 million will you turn a blind eye?"
"Wait, are you suggesting I pay you a bribe to keep me from investigating you?"
"Sure, that's how it worked in Iraq!"
"Ok, I think I need to arrest you now before you do something bad, like breed."
"So where did all the construction money go?"
"Well like I said there were plans, equipment...uh....land to be cleared....workers to train and pay...and uh.....other stuff... Catering! We had to buy food for everyone, all the workers. Like.....tuna sandwiches and stuff..."
"You spend $500 million on tuna sandwiches?"
"Well I'm told there were other types of fish too."
"Such as?"
"Um.........salmon? That's a kind of fish, isn't it?"
"So you spent $500 million on tuna and salmon sandwiches to feed a workforce that we've found no record of you actually employing who used equipment you hadn't bought to clear land that didn't need clearing to construct buildings that were never built?"
"Well when you say it like that of course it's going to sound bad!"
"So how should I say it?"
"We spent $500 million on good will gestures! Community outreach programs! Nation building! Social improvement networks! Synergised neighbourhood experincalisation opportunities!"
"Paying your bank account manager."
Paying my bank acc - wait, not that one."
12 February 2009
Scott bitches about IT infrastructure
Rebecca:
OH good god, can we please have a network that isn't outpaced by snails?
Scott:
I was just overtaken by a snail driving a lamborghini. The snail was wearing sunglasses and had a scarf blowing in the wind.
[after a brief discussion about religion]
Purgatory is being stuck with a computer network where apparently individual bits of information are transported through pipes by gerbils with short term memory disorders.
James:
...and you need to appeal to Bill Gates for an indulgence to escape purgatory.
Somewhere in your department an Ent is sitting at a PC, tapping his twig-like fingers on an over-sized desk, and muttering, "Hoom, hom, what the f--k is taking so long, hoom hoom?"
Scott:
He was doing that for a while, but then he died of old age. Since then the squirrels that were living in his branches have had time to evolve a technologically advanced society that remarkably enough does not contain any computers whatsoever. All their calculations are derived from complex manipulation of walnuts.
OH good god, can we please have a network that isn't outpaced by snails?
Scott:
I was just overtaken by a snail driving a lamborghini. The snail was wearing sunglasses and had a scarf blowing in the wind.
[after a brief discussion about religion]
Purgatory is being stuck with a computer network where apparently individual bits of information are transported through pipes by gerbils with short term memory disorders.
James:
...and you need to appeal to Bill Gates for an indulgence to escape purgatory.
Somewhere in your department an Ent is sitting at a PC, tapping his twig-like fingers on an over-sized desk, and muttering, "Hoom, hom, what the f--k is taking so long, hoom hoom?"
Scott:
He was doing that for a while, but then he died of old age. Since then the squirrels that were living in his branches have had time to evolve a technologically advanced society that remarkably enough does not contain any computers whatsoever. All their calculations are derived from complex manipulation of walnuts.
Scott entertains himself on a Saturday night...
You laugh at Australia's Funniest Home Videos? I cry. I cry tears of blood for the lost dignity of humanity and the ever-deepening sea of ignorance and despair.
Then I strip naked, grease myself up with warm butter, put a tricorn hat on my head, declare myself Napoleon, Emperor of the Wastelands and Saviour of the Five Cheeses and play Rock Band all night. Ah Saturday nights, you are my sole remaining joy.
Then I strip naked, grease myself up with warm butter, put a tricorn hat on my head, declare myself Napoleon, Emperor of the Wastelands and Saviour of the Five Cheeses and play Rock Band all night. Ah Saturday nights, you are my sole remaining joy.
22 January 2009
Scott is a depraved David Attenborough
Suckbeast (also known colloquially as the '5 Dollar Sucky-Sucky')
One of the more unusual creatures adventurers might encounter in their travels is the suckbeast. Resembling a small squat, pink elephant on short, stumpy legs with a wide trunk that ends in a pair of extremely large bright red lips, the suckbeast might be a target for mirth if not for its debilitating suck attack. Latching its lips onto any exposed part of the adventure, the suckbeast will proceed to 'suck' the target's life force, forcing an immediate save vs Fortitude - failure will deprive the target of 2d12 hitpoints and render him/her unconcious until the end of the encounter. Fortunately the suckbeast has no other significant attacks and its slow rate of movement combined with a very low AC makes it an easy target. Its sole defence is its "Big Brown Puppy Dog Eyes" ability, which when used forces to the attacker to make a save vs Will, failure resulting in the attacker taking a -2 to hit for the rest of the encounter and engendering huge feelings of guilt in the attacker.
One of the more unusual creatures adventurers might encounter in their travels is the suckbeast. Resembling a small squat, pink elephant on short, stumpy legs with a wide trunk that ends in a pair of extremely large bright red lips, the suckbeast might be a target for mirth if not for its debilitating suck attack. Latching its lips onto any exposed part of the adventure, the suckbeast will proceed to 'suck' the target's life force, forcing an immediate save vs Fortitude - failure will deprive the target of 2d12 hitpoints and render him/her unconcious until the end of the encounter. Fortunately the suckbeast has no other significant attacks and its slow rate of movement combined with a very low AC makes it an easy target. Its sole defence is its "Big Brown Puppy Dog Eyes" ability, which when used forces to the attacker to make a save vs Will, failure resulting in the attacker taking a -2 to hit for the rest of the encounter and engendering huge feelings of guilt in the attacker.
28 November 2008
Scott translates jargon for the layman...
James:
I'm blowing fifty bucks on an extra 2GB of RAM for the gaming rig. 4GB will be MUCH better (though apparently on any 32 bit iteration of windows, no more than 3.25GB or so can be used, and you need to go to 64 bit to go up to 16GB or 32GB or whatever it is).
Scott:
I think i'm going to go up to 4gig when I eventually get round to upgrading my box. I'm still deciding whether to go with Vista or hold on til Windows 7 comes out.
Michelle:
gah
*looks confused*
can you explain the rest of that in nice small words that I can understand
Scott:
In terms of easily understood metaphors: I'm intending to upgrade to a bigger weasel and have still to decide what obedience school to take him to.
Michelle:
ah - thank you, that makes things so much easier to understand
I'm blowing fifty bucks on an extra 2GB of RAM for the gaming rig. 4GB will be MUCH better (though apparently on any 32 bit iteration of windows, no more than 3.25GB or so can be used, and you need to go to 64 bit to go up to 16GB or 32GB or whatever it is).
Scott:
I think i'm going to go up to 4gig when I eventually get round to upgrading my box. I'm still deciding whether to go with Vista or hold on til Windows 7 comes out.
Michelle:
gah
*looks confused*
can you explain the rest of that in nice small words that I can understand
Scott:
In terms of easily understood metaphors: I'm intending to upgrade to a bigger weasel and have still to decide what obedience school to take him to.
Michelle:
ah - thank you, that makes things so much easier to understand
18 November 2008
Scott proposes a novel
"The Branch Meeting of Tomorrow" is a novel set in the near-future where a totalitarian militaristic dictatorship herds all its workers in to bright, spartan meeting rooms for one day every month, in which they are stripped naked, chained to the wall and have squash balls fired at them from pneumatic cannons carried by robots. This is seen by all concerned as quicker and more humane than the previous definition of branch meetings.
8 November 2008
Scott gets help writing a CSI episode
Michelle:
assuming you could find the victim after I'd dismembered them with a coffee mug
Scott:
That'd make a cool CSI episode.
Grissom: "Notice the clean, almost surgical cuts on the severed limbs. This was definitely done with a coffee cup."
Sidekick: "You mean pieces of a broken cup?"
Grissom: "No, a real, whole coffee cup. Nothing quite like an office coffee break."
*cue theme music and shots of unreasonably clean and good looking investigators.*
James:
"The perp's going to be hard to catch. No doubt they've..." *removes sunglasses* "...gone to ground."
Scott:
"The perp should have stuck to his usual decaffeinated instead of....." *removes sunglasses* "....decapitated."
James:
"The victim may have wanted coffee, but this isn't what he wanted when he asked for..." *removes sunglasses* "...a double shot."
Scott:
"Whoever laced this guy's coffee with heroin either didn't know or care that the victim was...." *removes sunglasses* "......smacktose intolerant."
Ow. My brain.
James:
"It looks like the killer deliberately infected the victim's coffee with rabies, so his cappuccino..." *removes sunglasses* "...had extra froth."
assuming you could find the victim after I'd dismembered them with a coffee mug
Scott:
That'd make a cool CSI episode.
Grissom: "Notice the clean, almost surgical cuts on the severed limbs. This was definitely done with a coffee cup."
Sidekick: "You mean pieces of a broken cup?"
Grissom: "No, a real, whole coffee cup. Nothing quite like an office coffee break."
*cue theme music and shots of unreasonably clean and good looking investigators.*
James:
"The perp's going to be hard to catch. No doubt they've..." *removes sunglasses* "...gone to ground."
Scott:
"The perp should have stuck to his usual decaffeinated instead of....." *removes sunglasses* "....decapitated."
James:
"The victim may have wanted coffee, but this isn't what he wanted when he asked for..." *removes sunglasses* "...a double shot."
Scott:
"Whoever laced this guy's coffee with heroin either didn't know or care that the victim was...." *removes sunglasses* "......smacktose intolerant."
Ow. My brain.
James:
"It looks like the killer deliberately infected the victim's coffee with rabies, so his cappuccino..." *removes sunglasses* "...had extra froth."
30 September 2008
Scott and biscuits
James:
I'm cursing him for taking the last Iced Vovo.
Scott:
No, I took the Iced Volvo. The Iced Vovo developed sentience over night and escaped.
James:
I am a progressive modern man, but one thing I cannot abide is sapience in baked good. Next thing you know they'll be wanting the vote, too, and shipping hordes of their crummy little relatives over
here to steal our jobs and soak up our tea.
Scott:
And then we'll have hordes of single mother biscuits having billions of crumbly offspring and expecting the state to pay for them! We'll be surrounded in delinquent monte carlos, graffitin' our cars and setting fire to our shrubbery!
James:
Who knows where it'll end? Jatz crackers stored in the same tin as Honey Jumbles! Tim Tams with weird, foreign "limited edition flavours"!
Michelle:
more likely animal crackers in our soup
Scott:
And they'll breed with our regular, wholesome, native biscuits! We'll get Scotch Finger Oreos and Kingstons with marshmallow chips and Anzac biscuits with a Turkish Delight filling! Its not right! I didn't fight in two baked goods wars to come home and find that someone's been diddling with my Mixed Assortments!
I'm cursing him for taking the last Iced Vovo.
Scott:
No, I took the Iced Volvo. The Iced Vovo developed sentience over night and escaped.
James:
I am a progressive modern man, but one thing I cannot abide is sapience in baked good. Next thing you know they'll be wanting the vote, too, and shipping hordes of their crummy little relatives over
here to steal our jobs and soak up our tea.
Scott:
And then we'll have hordes of single mother biscuits having billions of crumbly offspring and expecting the state to pay for them! We'll be surrounded in delinquent monte carlos, graffitin' our cars and setting fire to our shrubbery!
James:
Who knows where it'll end? Jatz crackers stored in the same tin as Honey Jumbles! Tim Tams with weird, foreign "limited edition flavours"!
Michelle:
more likely animal crackers in our soup
Scott:
And they'll breed with our regular, wholesome, native biscuits! We'll get Scotch Finger Oreos and Kingstons with marshmallow chips and Anzac biscuits with a Turkish Delight filling! Its not right! I didn't fight in two baked goods wars to come home and find that someone's been diddling with my Mixed Assortments!
29 September 2008
Scott gives the greatest of gifts...
"And you, my faithful peon, who stood beside me while all around was flame and ouchiness, to you I give the greatest gift of all!"
"My leige, I am not worthy!"
"I give you this, my short and hairy peasant: a small wheel of elderly cheese!"
"............"
"I see you have been rendered speechless by my magnificent gift, oh unpleasantly fragrant one."
"......cheese? You've given me cheese?"
"Indeed I have, faithful servant of little brain!"
"After everything I did for you? A fucking wheel of cheese? I fought offthe Hordes of Crotchless-Pantied Nether-Demons for you! I led the charge when we raided Castle Ick while you sheltered in a nunnery disguised as a grandmother! I toppled the Great Tower of G'Ath'Ath'Ack'l'Ath, burnt the city of Sleem and razed the temples of Omnommer the Devourer! I slew the great daemon Unchwunter Klebullous the Splatulent! All of this I did for you! And now you give me cheese?!"
"Yes! Truly your deeds make you worthy of this fine small piece of tasty milk curdlings!"
"AAARGH!"
"Argh indeed, my almost-friend, argh indeed!"
"My leige, I am not worthy!"
"I give you this, my short and hairy peasant: a small wheel of elderly cheese!"
"............"
"I see you have been rendered speechless by my magnificent gift, oh unpleasantly fragrant one."
"......cheese? You've given me cheese?"
"Indeed I have, faithful servant of little brain!"
"After everything I did for you? A fucking wheel of cheese? I fought offthe Hordes of Crotchless-Pantied Nether-Demons for you! I led the charge when we raided Castle Ick while you sheltered in a nunnery disguised as a grandmother! I toppled the Great Tower of G'Ath'Ath'Ack'l'Ath, burnt the city of Sleem and razed the temples of Omnommer the Devourer! I slew the great daemon Unchwunter Klebullous the Splatulent! All of this I did for you! And now you give me cheese?!"
"Yes! Truly your deeds make you worthy of this fine small piece of tasty milk curdlings!"
"AAARGH!"
"Argh indeed, my almost-friend, argh indeed!"
23 September 2008
Scott's a radio DJ
[after James complains about the quality of music in his office]
"It's quarter past 10, you're listening to radio 3 Triple Crud and that was Poseur with their new hit "Argh My Brain it Went Sploosh". Coming up next 3 hours of non-stop Nickelback because you requested it! Well actually you didn't but we don't care because the music companies bought everyone at the station ferraris just so we'd play their mass produced tripe. Ha-hah! And now, 40 minutes of screaming obnoxious ads, brought to you by Coke, because we have no soul!"
"It's quarter past 10, you're listening to radio 3 Triple Crud and that was Poseur with their new hit "Argh My Brain it Went Sploosh". Coming up next 3 hours of non-stop Nickelback because you requested it! Well actually you didn't but we don't care because the music companies bought everyone at the station ferraris just so we'd play their mass produced tripe. Ha-hah! And now, 40 minutes of screaming obnoxious ads, brought to you by Coke, because we have no soul!"
10 September 2008
Scott's Coallition of Concerned Citizens Against James's wrongness
[James is given a list of things to do, numbered 1, 2, 4, and 5 - item 3 is missing.]
Scott:
Step 3 has been censored by the Coallition of Concerned Citizens Against James' Wrongness.
James:
South Australian Attorney General Michael Atkinson has allowed the release of this censored version of step 3 for Australian audiences:
3) [blacked out] goats [blacked out] big bucket of [blacked out] Amanda Vanstone [blacked out] and will likely never return to its original size.
Scott:
Coalition spokesperson Reginald Twitlock had this to say about today's release of a heavily ensored Step 3:
"While its clear a small number of words have been blacked out by the Attorney General's office, there's still enough there to fill in the blanks! Its an outrage! Wrongness such as this should not be allowed in a decent, god fearing society! If I was in charge we'd burn them all at the stake! Think of the children!"
In response, the media liaison representative from the Wrong James Foundation called Mr Twitlock and the rest of the CCCAJW a "bunch of twats." The Attorney General's office would not comment.
Scott:
Step 3 has been censored by the Coallition of Concerned Citizens Against James' Wrongness.
James:
South Australian Attorney General Michael Atkinson has allowed the release of this censored version of step 3 for Australian audiences:
3) [blacked out] goats [blacked out] big bucket of [blacked out] Amanda Vanstone [blacked out] and will likely never return to its original size.
Scott:
Coalition spokesperson Reginald Twitlock had this to say about today's release of a heavily ensored Step 3:
"While its clear a small number of words have been blacked out by the Attorney General's office, there's still enough there to fill in the blanks! Its an outrage! Wrongness such as this should not be allowed in a decent, god fearing society! If I was in charge we'd burn them all at the stake! Think of the children!"
In response, the media liaison representative from the Wrong James Foundation called Mr Twitlock and the rest of the CCCAJW a "bunch of twats." The Attorney General's office would not comment.
25 August 2008
Scott does not think highly of lawyers
Lawyer #1: "Did you hear that?"
Lawyer #2: "Hear what?"
Lawyer #1: "Sounded like a chilling war cry foretelling our gruesome and bloody end."
Lawyer #2: "Nope, didn't hear that. What'd it sound like?"
Lawyer #1: "Well, kinda like... WRAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
Lawyer #2: "Really? I thought war cries were more along the lines of 'I'll have yer bollocks!'"
Lawyer #1: "Nope, definitely WRAAGGHH."
Lawyer #2: "Fancy that. You learn something new everyday."
Lawyer #1: "Indeed we do, indeed we do. And now, back to behaving like retarded rhesus monkeys on crack."
Lawyer #2: "Eeee! Ooo eeeooo!"
Lawyer #1: "Aaark! Eeeeek!"
Lawyer #2: "Hear what?"
Lawyer #1: "Sounded like a chilling war cry foretelling our gruesome and bloody end."
Lawyer #2: "Nope, didn't hear that. What'd it sound like?"
Lawyer #1: "Well, kinda like... WRAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
Lawyer #2: "Really? I thought war cries were more along the lines of 'I'll have yer bollocks!'"
Lawyer #1: "Nope, definitely WRAAGGHH."
Lawyer #2: "Fancy that. You learn something new everyday."
Lawyer #1: "Indeed we do, indeed we do. And now, back to behaving like retarded rhesus monkeys on crack."
Lawyer #2: "Eeee! Ooo eeeooo!"
Lawyer #1: "Aaark! Eeeeek!"
22 August 2008
Scott discusses track and field
Michelle:
[referring to the Bobby Pearce duck story]
It's one of those wonderful Australian sportsmanship stories that is right up there with John Landy missing his chance to be the first to break the four minute mile barrier by helping Ron Clarke up .
Scott:
And that of Commander Reginald Pertwee St John Forthington-Smythe breaking the record for the 100 yard "screaming and waving your arms wildly above your head" as he was chased by the natives of the Congo . He's a hero to many sprinters and an inspiration/target for javelin throwers.
[referring to the Bobby Pearce duck story]
It's one of those wonderful Australian sportsmanship stories that is right up there with John Landy missing his chance to be the first to break the four minute mile barrier by helping Ron Clarke up .
Scott:
And that of Commander Reginald Pertwee St John Forthington-Smythe breaking the record for the 100 yard "screaming and waving your arms wildly above your head" as he was chased by the natives of the Congo . He's a hero to many sprinters and an inspiration/target for javelin throwers.
21 August 2008
Scott fears litigation
[After learning that his prevous comments about Sydney's train system have been blogged.]
Oh noes! I shall be sued by Sydney's CityRail! I must flee before an exceptionally delayed subpoena turns up at the wrong address!
Oh noes! I shall be sued by Sydney's CityRail! I must flee before an exceptionally delayed subpoena turns up at the wrong address!
Scott comments on Sydney's train network
...not including the 30 minutes it takes to work out Sydney trains' arcane ticketing system.
"Select departure point......select destination.....set peak hour......select adult ticket.....select day of the week......select sex......select shoe size......select lunar cycle......select choice of unnecessary network delays....select favourite cheese......select choice of drug addict to sit next to....select random encounter with choice of poultry...."
"Select departure point......select destination.....set peak hour......select adult ticket.....select day of the week......select sex......select shoe size......select lunar cycle......select choice of unnecessary network delays....select favourite cheese......select choice of drug addict to sit next to....select random encounter with choice of poultry...."
20 August 2008
Scott re-writes the Famous Five for the modern day
"Oh I say, Generic Posh English Name Person, why don't we go and find some rather lame mysteries to solve!"
"No, I'd rather stay in bed and spend the day shagging."
"Oh.....um.....that certainly sounds.....interesting. Are you sure you don't want to solve the mystery of Farmer Brown's disappearing sheep?"
"No, not really, shagging will be a lot more fun, but don't let me stop you."
"No, I'd rather stay in bed and spend the day shagging."
"Oh.....um.....that certainly sounds.....interesting. Are you sure you don't want to solve the mystery of Farmer Brown's disappearing sheep?"
"No, not really, shagging will be a lot more fun, but don't let me stop you."
8 August 2008
Scott is critical of Channel 7's soccer coverage...
"And there's this guy kicking a round ball....funny shape for a ball, should be more pointy really, anyway.....and he's kicked it and some other guy has it now, but a guy from the other team has taken it off him and stay tuned after the game for the final episode of our exciting Dancing with Backyard Blitz Biggest Loser Random Foul Mouthed Chefs.....and oh look someone scored when I wasn't watching, but don't worry we'll get a replay of that in 10 minutes or so. And now a 20 minute ad break."
27 June 2008
Scott discusses fashion
Scott:
Friday should be casual codpiece day.
As opposed, you know, to formal codpiece day...
James:
Is a casual codpiece made of denim or something?
Michelle:
no buttons and tie
Scott:
Would that be a codpiece or a posing pouch?
James:
I'm guessing a formal codpiece would have pinstripes.
Michelle:
or pleats
Scott:
With a bowtie attached to it.
James:
And a military full dress codpiece would be red and white with gold piping.
Scott:
With a black rooster feather in it.
Friday should be casual codpiece day.
As opposed, you know, to formal codpiece day...
James:
Is a casual codpiece made of denim or something?
Michelle:
no buttons and tie
Scott:
Would that be a codpiece or a posing pouch?
James:
I'm guessing a formal codpiece would have pinstripes.
Michelle:
or pleats
Scott:
With a bowtie attached to it.
James:
And a military full dress codpiece would be red and white with gold piping.
Scott:
With a black rooster feather in it.
23 June 2008
Scott writes an action movie
Michelle:
and I is obviously just a lowly worm
Rebecca:
You not a lowly anything, you a giant!
James:
Now go stomp on Tokyo.
Scott:
"Rawrr!"
*poorly dubbed*
"Oh no! It is Michellezilla! Too many requests for unnecessary stationary orders have mutated her into a giant monster! She will destroy us all!"
"Rawwrr!"
*more poor dubbing*
"Quick you strange person standing there! You must help me fire this emergency chocolate at her! It is our only hopeness!"
*lame cannon sound*
"Rawwwrr! ooooh yum!"
Michelle:
and the way the Michellezilla is going at the moment, the only thing that will placate her is being able to stomp the Brunasaurus into the ground (and then being fed chocolate)
Scott:
Michellezilla will use her secret Death Ray of Fundamentally Wrong Goat Insertion to destroy the Brunasaurus and save us all!
and I is obviously just a lowly worm
Rebecca:
You not a lowly anything, you a giant!
James:
Now go stomp on Tokyo.
Scott:
"Rawrr!"
*poorly dubbed*
"Oh no! It is Michellezilla! Too many requests for unnecessary stationary orders have mutated her into a giant monster! She will destroy us all!"
"Rawwrr!"
*more poor dubbing*
"Quick you strange person standing there! You must help me fire this emergency chocolate at her! It is our only hopeness!"
*lame cannon sound*
"Rawwwrr! ooooh yum!"
Michelle:
and the way the Michellezilla is going at the moment, the only thing that will placate her is being able to stomp the Brunasaurus into the ground (and then being fed chocolate)
Scott:
Michellezilla will use her secret Death Ray of Fundamentally Wrong Goat Insertion to destroy the Brunasaurus and save us all!
10 June 2008
Scott doesn't like warm winter nights
The weather sucks like a Dyson stuck to a cat's bum. If I don't sleep well tonight I shall mutate into an enraged lizard-beast and stomp all over a scale model of Tokyo.
21 May 2008
Scott swears an oath
"Sweet bagels" sounds like some kind of oath.
"Oh sweet bagels! That dinosaur is eating the President!"
"Oh sweet bagels! That dinosaur is eating the President!"
Scott goes hunting
Scott:
Argh! Its the dreaded McPoutbeast! Jeeves, get my hunting tongs ready!
James:
Dreadfully sorry, sir, but Emily the scullery maid has the tongs, sir. You asked her to polish all the silver, sir, and the hunting tongs were in the silver cabinet.
Sir.
Scott:
Dammit man, I can't let a magnificent beast like that get away! Imagine what its head would like above the fireplace in the manor house? Fetch my grandfather's inlaid hunting spork - it may not be the right tool for the job but I'll be damned if I let this one get away!
James:
*cough* Dreadfully sorry, sir, but the spork is silver, too.
I do, however, have a wooden fighting ladle.
Scott:
What do you make me for, some kind of barbarian? Some kind of working class scum? Some kind of, of, of French person?? No Snodgrass-Wildebeast has ever wielded a ladle in combat and I'll not be the first! Damn your eyes! Next thing you'll be suggesting I stop rogering the kitchen staff on Wednesday afternoons!
Argh! Its the dreaded McPoutbeast! Jeeves, get my hunting tongs ready!
James:
Dreadfully sorry, sir, but Emily the scullery maid has the tongs, sir. You asked her to polish all the silver, sir, and the hunting tongs were in the silver cabinet.
Sir.
Scott:
Dammit man, I can't let a magnificent beast like that get away! Imagine what its head would like above the fireplace in the manor house? Fetch my grandfather's inlaid hunting spork - it may not be the right tool for the job but I'll be damned if I let this one get away!
James:
*cough* Dreadfully sorry, sir, but the spork is silver, too.
I do, however, have a wooden fighting ladle.
Scott:
What do you make me for, some kind of barbarian? Some kind of working class scum? Some kind of, of, of French person?? No Snodgrass-Wildebeast has ever wielded a ladle in combat and I'll not be the first! Damn your eyes! Next thing you'll be suggesting I stop rogering the kitchen staff on Wednesday afternoons!
13 May 2008
Scott and the shiny arsed baboons
Scott:
their arses shine so much in the wild that large groups can often be mistaken for the lights of villages and towns from a distance.
James:
The Shiny-Arsed Swamp Baboon is reputed to use its shiny arse to lure travellers off the path in treacherous marshlands, and when they are hopelessly lost attempt to sell them Amway products.
Scott:
The Greater Flashing Savannah Hurdler Baboon uses its arse to signal its location to the other members of its troup every time it leaps above grass level. That way the troup is able to coordinate its assault on unwary tourists and force them to buy poorly made, cheesy, crap trinkets that take up far too much space in their luggage on the way home.
James:
The Lesser Eyespotted Baboon from the Aspen region of Utah flashes its bright buttock-mounted eyespots to confuse tourists, who later find themselves holding signed timeshare accommodation contracts that they do not recall having signed.
Scott:
The Alabama Great Posterior Baboon uses its arse as a signal and a warning to other members of its troup that it is moving backwards. Due to the size of its buttocks it is unable to view anything immediately behind it and has thus evolved a flashin arse signal with accompanying beeping sound to warn troup members and thus not accidentally injure or incapacitate them.
their arses shine so much in the wild that large groups can often be mistaken for the lights of villages and towns from a distance.
James:
The Shiny-Arsed Swamp Baboon is reputed to use its shiny arse to lure travellers off the path in treacherous marshlands, and when they are hopelessly lost attempt to sell them Amway products.
Scott:
The Greater Flashing Savannah Hurdler Baboon uses its arse to signal its location to the other members of its troup every time it leaps above grass level. That way the troup is able to coordinate its assault on unwary tourists and force them to buy poorly made, cheesy, crap trinkets that take up far too much space in their luggage on the way home.
James:
The Lesser Eyespotted Baboon from the Aspen region of Utah flashes its bright buttock-mounted eyespots to confuse tourists, who later find themselves holding signed timeshare accommodation contracts that they do not recall having signed.
Scott:
The Alabama Great Posterior Baboon uses its arse as a signal and a warning to other members of its troup that it is moving backwards. Due to the size of its buttocks it is unable to view anything immediately behind it and has thus evolved a flashin arse signal with accompanying beeping sound to warn troup members and thus not accidentally injure or incapacitate them.
9 May 2008
Scott forms a committee
Scott:
This is the headline from hell, guaranteed to kill your brain. The copy editor that came up with this one will probably be smirking for the rest of his life: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7390109.stm
Michelle:
one wonders how the Lesser Tits are getting on...
James:
Last I heard, they were forming a committee.
Scott:
A small committee?
James:
Very small. Itty-bitty, you could say.
Scott:
Which would then nicely lead itself to being called a... Committee for the Study of Climate Change Impact on Avian Species, in Particular the Lesser Tit.
James:
Catchy.
This is the headline from hell, guaranteed to kill your brain. The copy editor that came up with this one will probably be smirking for the rest of his life: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7390109.stm
Michelle:
one wonders how the Lesser Tits are getting on...
James:
Last I heard, they were forming a committee.
Scott:
A small committee?
James:
Very small. Itty-bitty, you could say.
Scott:
Which would then nicely lead itself to being called a... Committee for the Study of Climate Change Impact on Avian Species, in Particular the Lesser Tit.
James:
Catchy.
16 April 2008
Scott goes to wrongtown express
Scott:
Aww, but I don't want to have sex with the leader of my cult, the Holy Order of the Enlightened Gnawing Cheese Weasel. He's insane and always dresses like a wheel of blue vein cheese.
James:
As everyone knows, cheese and sex are an unpleasant combination.
Scott:
And how.
"Ahh....wait, what are you doing?"
*somewhat muffled* "Umm....nothing."
"Are you eating some cheese?"
*somewhat muffled* "Um.....no..."
"You are! You're eating cheese! You've brought some cheese into bed and you're eating it off my crotch!"
"No no no, I'm, uh, giving you oral sex."
"I can't believe you brought some cheese into bed and decided to eat it instead of me!"
"What, would you like some?"
"Is it blue vein?"
"Yep!"
"Get out of my bedroom!"
Aww, but I don't want to have sex with the leader of my cult, the Holy Order of the Enlightened Gnawing Cheese Weasel. He's insane and always dresses like a wheel of blue vein cheese.
James:
As everyone knows, cheese and sex are an unpleasant combination.
Scott:
And how.
"Ahh....wait, what are you doing?"
*somewhat muffled* "Umm....nothing."
"Are you eating some cheese?"
*somewhat muffled* "Um.....no..."
"You are! You're eating cheese! You've brought some cheese into bed and you're eating it off my crotch!"
"No no no, I'm, uh, giving you oral sex."
"I can't believe you brought some cheese into bed and decided to eat it instead of me!"
"What, would you like some?"
"Is it blue vein?"
"Yep!"
"Get out of my bedroom!"
15 April 2008
Scott writes a content's page for Rebecca's assignment page... with help from James
Scott:
Abstract......................................1
Logistics analysis: Florist.............2
Logistics analysis: Bikeshop.........5
Logistics analysis: Thingie...........7
Data Tables................................7
Plans for Global Domination.......7
Conclusion.................................251
James:
Appendix 1 - Diagrams and charts showing that resistance is futile
Appendix 2 - Testimonials from those who recognise the inevitability
of my rise to benevolent dictator of the entire galaxy
Appendix 3 - Photos of me in corsets
Abstract......................................1
Logistics analysis: Florist.............2
Logistics analysis: Bikeshop.........5
Logistics analysis: Thingie...........7
Data Tables................................7
Plans for Global Domination.......7
Conclusion.................................251
James:
Appendix 1 - Diagrams and charts showing that resistance is futile
Appendix 2 - Testimonials from those who recognise the inevitability
of my rise to benevolent dictator of the entire galaxy
Appendix 3 - Photos of me in corsets
17 March 2008
Scott plays an adventure
Michelle:
good experiece for Sean
Scott:
Sean collects 250 XP points! Sean gains a level! Sean has learnt a new spell: Melfrump's Committee of Damacles!
Michelle:
Sean will need it all to battle the dreaded Migration Agent and her Ministerial of Doom
Scott:
Sean has triggered a trap! Sean must make his saving throw vs Infinite Policy Documents!
James:
Oh no! Sean has encountered a Red Tape Golem!
Scott:
Sean casts Hogrump's Greater Teleconference! Red Tape Golem is defeated! Sean gains 25 experience points! Sean has found the Fluorescent Marker of Emphasis!
Melfrump's Committee of Damacles:
When cast the target must immediately make a saving roll vs Bureaucratic Inertia. If the target fails their roll a spectral senior management board of committee will appear above the target's head. Any future decision the target makes, regardless of subject matter, urgency, or whether or not combat is currently taking place, must be approved by the committee before the target is allowed to undertake it. The Committee of Damacles may also provide a completely different decision than that initially proposed by the target. Duration of spell lasts for 2d20 rounds. If target refuses to enact the Committee's decision, duration of spell will be extended 1d4 rounds per refusal.
good experiece for Sean
Scott:
Sean collects 250 XP points! Sean gains a level! Sean has learnt a new spell: Melfrump's Committee of Damacles!
Michelle:
Sean will need it all to battle the dreaded Migration Agent and her Ministerial of Doom
Scott:
Sean has triggered a trap! Sean must make his saving throw vs Infinite Policy Documents!
James:
Oh no! Sean has encountered a Red Tape Golem!
Scott:
Sean casts Hogrump's Greater Teleconference! Red Tape Golem is defeated! Sean gains 25 experience points! Sean has found the Fluorescent Marker of Emphasis!
Melfrump's Committee of Damacles:
When cast the target must immediately make a saving roll vs Bureaucratic Inertia. If the target fails their roll a spectral senior management board of committee will appear above the target's head. Any future decision the target makes, regardless of subject matter, urgency, or whether or not combat is currently taking place, must be approved by the committee before the target is allowed to undertake it. The Committee of Damacles may also provide a completely different decision than that initially proposed by the target. Duration of spell lasts for 2d20 rounds. If target refuses to enact the Committee's decision, duration of spell will be extended 1d4 rounds per refusal.
20 February 2008
Scott bitches about scanning software
yes, secure internet gateway, lets scan everything thoroughly on the BoM weather radar site for hours because, you know, it could be a porn radar.
"And now for today's weather: a large, porn-bearing cloud band stretches across the continent from ex-tropical cyclone Debbie, who recently did Derby. Melbourne can expect occasional light showers of porn throughout the day, with heavy falls overnight. A road weather alert is in force due to possible patches of lubricant."
Scott on fish
You've gone to the wrong place for wriggling fish bits. Which begs the question of where the right place would be.
Scott on the work internet server's scanning stuff
an irritating, annoying pile of wank. a poorly implemented, badly coded, resource hogging, network throttling pile of wank. a pile of wank so enormously huge and wanky that its far, far larger than all previous wanks in the history of wanks on earth combined.
7 February 2008
Scott on weird clients
Scott:
Here's an opening sentence from one of my clients I wasn't expecting:
"I was born with Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, which did not let my penis grow to a full length."
James:
*boggle*
Is he seeking asylum from a nation proud of its large penises?
Scott:
I'm not really sure.....I can't say a great deal of what he's written makes sense. He mentions his penis right at the start and then never goes back to it. Its like "....and so I have a really small penis. Anyway, I think ducks are really funny. Do you like ducks? I like ducks. They go quack and they waddle. Hey, you know what's also cool? Geese. They're like......bigger ducks."
Here's an opening sentence from one of my clients I wasn't expecting:
"I was born with Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, which did not let my penis grow to a full length."
James:
*boggle*
Is he seeking asylum from a nation proud of its large penises?
Scott:
I'm not really sure.....I can't say a great deal of what he's written makes sense. He mentions his penis right at the start and then never goes back to it. Its like "....and so I have a really small penis. Anyway, I think ducks are really funny. Do you like ducks? I like ducks. They go quack and they waddle. Hey, you know what's also cool? Geese. They're like......bigger ducks."
5 February 2008
Scott on the concept that Foresty Studies = Tree engineering
"What can you make with this tree?"
"Well, I could cut it down."
"Besides that I mean. What could you use the material to construct?"
"Well.........I could cut it down."
"No, you're missing the point. This is tree engineering. You can construct something out of the tree or in the tree or using the tree, do you understand?"
"Oooh I see. Sure."
"Ok, so, what can you make with this tree?"
"I could cut it down with a chainsaw instead of an axe."
"Well, I could cut it down."
"Besides that I mean. What could you use the material to construct?"
"Well.........I could cut it down."
"No, you're missing the point. This is tree engineering. You can construct something out of the tree or in the tree or using the tree, do you understand?"
"Oooh I see. Sure."
"Ok, so, what can you make with this tree?"
"I could cut it down with a chainsaw instead of an axe."
Scott is a disease
"Mr Smith, I'm afraid we have some bad news. You've got Spazziloscottus Morbidii."
"Oh my god! Is it fatal?"
"I'm afraid so, yes. But on the plus side it'll make you very cute and you'll have a ball...."
"That doesn't sound too bad."
"....up until the time your skull exploads due to the massively swollen goat that is currently growing in your brain."
"Erk."
"Oh my god! Is it fatal?"
"I'm afraid so, yes. But on the plus side it'll make you very cute and you'll have a ball...."
"That doesn't sound too bad."
"....up until the time your skull exploads due to the massively swollen goat that is currently growing in your brain."
"Erk."
Scott channels a lawyer
"Fools! You know not what terrors you will leash upon us all if you do not heed my advice!"
"What, you think the wording's wrong?"
"Plagues of locusts! Boiling seas! Rains of fish! Lobsters driving cars! Gangs of nuns roaming the streets! Puppies eating children! Flying pandas! Earthquakes! Giant steaming eleph-"
"All right, we'll change the damn wording!"
"Excellent. Here's my bill."
"What, you think the wording's wrong?"
"Plagues of locusts! Boiling seas! Rains of fish! Lobsters driving cars! Gangs of nuns roaming the streets! Puppies eating children! Flying pandas! Earthquakes! Giant steaming eleph-"
"All right, we'll change the damn wording!"
"Excellent. Here's my bill."
1 February 2008
Scott's book of monsters
The Monster Book of Monster Spotting has this to say about the McPoutbeast:
"Famed for its ability to cry and run away when confronted, the McPoutbeast is, as its names suggests, all pouting lips, sad puppy dog eyes and waving tentacles. It is a common misconception that this beast does not have legs at all, but on closer examination it can be seen to perambulate on anywhere between 16 and 32 stumpy legs. However, as they are ridiculously undersized and its lips are enormously over-sized, they can be hard to spot. Bizarrely, the beast does not seem to have anything that could be described as a "body" - the legs appear to attach to the underside of the lips and the famous puppy dog eyes and eyebrows afix to the top of the lips. It is postulated that there must be a core behind the lips that contains all the bodily organs, but no one has ever been able to peer far enough around the lips to see it. The "Mc" part of its name can be attributed to the fact that it appears to have a Scottish accent, though this has been disputed by a minority of monster spotters."
"Famed for its ability to cry and run away when confronted, the McPoutbeast is, as its names suggests, all pouting lips, sad puppy dog eyes and waving tentacles. It is a common misconception that this beast does not have legs at all, but on closer examination it can be seen to perambulate on anywhere between 16 and 32 stumpy legs. However, as they are ridiculously undersized and its lips are enormously over-sized, they can be hard to spot. Bizarrely, the beast does not seem to have anything that could be described as a "body" - the legs appear to attach to the underside of the lips and the famous puppy dog eyes and eyebrows afix to the top of the lips. It is postulated that there must be a core behind the lips that contains all the bodily organs, but no one has ever been able to peer far enough around the lips to see it. The "Mc" part of its name can be attributed to the fact that it appears to have a Scottish accent, though this has been disputed by a minority of monster spotters."
Scott gets into spam advertising
"Are you content with your penis?"
"Well, yeah. Sure."
"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T BE!!! IF YOU CAN'T LOG A SCANDINAVIAN FOREST WITH IT THEN ITS NOT BIG ENOUGH! IF ITS NOT ERECT FOR 10 HOURS A DAY THEN YOU'RE NOT A MAN!! IF ITS NOT AS HARD AS F--CKING STEEL THEN ITS A F--CKING 2-MINUTE NOODLE!! YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FIT IT IN YOUR PANTS!! YOU SHOULD BE HAVING TOUBLE SITTING DOWN!! YOU SHOULD BE MOSES PARTING THE SEAS WITH YOUR DICK!! YOU SHOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR HAVING A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS WHEN YOU SWIM!! YOU SHOULD BE CARVING F--CKING GLACIAL VALLEYS WITH IT AS YOU WALK!! IF ITS NOT CASTING A SHADOW ON THE TAIPEI-101 TOWER WHEN YOU LIE ON YOUR BACK THEN YOU'RE A F--CKING GIRL!!
"But....but, my girlfriend likes it and she says - "
"BUT NOTHING!! BUY THE F--CKING PILLS!!"
I so should get into spam advertising.
"Well, yeah. Sure."
"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T BE!!! IF YOU CAN'T LOG A SCANDINAVIAN FOREST WITH IT THEN ITS NOT BIG ENOUGH! IF ITS NOT ERECT FOR 10 HOURS A DAY THEN YOU'RE NOT A MAN!! IF ITS NOT AS HARD AS F--CKING STEEL THEN ITS A F--CKING 2-MINUTE NOODLE!! YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FIT IT IN YOUR PANTS!! YOU SHOULD BE HAVING TOUBLE SITTING DOWN!! YOU SHOULD BE MOSES PARTING THE SEAS WITH YOUR DICK!! YOU SHOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR HAVING A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS WHEN YOU SWIM!! YOU SHOULD BE CARVING F--CKING GLACIAL VALLEYS WITH IT AS YOU WALK!! IF ITS NOT CASTING A SHADOW ON THE TAIPEI-101 TOWER WHEN YOU LIE ON YOUR BACK THEN YOU'RE A F--CKING GIRL!!
"But....but, my girlfriend likes it and she says - "
"BUT NOTHING!! BUY THE F--CKING PILLS!!"
I so should get into spam advertising.
30 January 2008
Scott and zombie blogging
"Hi and welcome to today's edition of TechWatch. In the past few years we've witnessed the rise of the blog from being the repository for the bad poetry of emo-afflicted teenagers to a genuine news source that is challenging the old world beacons of Tv, radio and newspapers. One of the latest news-related blogs and the one that has been getting the most attention is 'The Graaaaawwhhh... Report'. Written by 'The Trilby-ed Zombie', the blog has been regularly scooping most of the mainstream media with its accurate and hardhitting journalism, and also run scoops on the recent spate of violent celebrity deaths. It now regularly gets 500,000 hits a day and is clearly a favourite of those seeking a break from mainstream news sources.
However, The Graaaaaawhhh... Report also has its detractors, most notably media mogul Rupert Merkin who, in his own blog, posted the following: 'I mean, what's with you people? Every f--king post is either "Graaaargh" or "Braaaainnnss" or "Gnurrrwwwghh. That's all, nothing else. This is not journalism! The Trilby-ed Zombie did not f--cking scoop us with the Dick Cheney Goat Sex Death Cult story! All he wrote is "Gnnuurrrrghh"! You people are f--cking morons!'
This diatribe has not gone down well with the internet community, who have responded by calling the mogul "mad", "jealous", a "poor loser", "old fashioned and out of touch" and "pwned!". It also lead to a large jump in the blog's audience. Needless to say it appears there's been a seachange in the news industry, and it looks like The Graaaaaawwhhh.... Report will only become bigger with each day."
Scott's zombie American Idol
"Tonight on American Idol, zombie Bub puts all on the line before the judges with his interpretation of the Beatle's 'Yellow Submarine'!
Zombie Bub: Graaaaaaahhh...
Simon Cowell: Well that was simply the worst thing I've ever heard. I mean it wasn't even singing, it was just moaning, and it wasn't even in time!
Paula Abdul: Shutup Simon! He's a zombie, he's done really well to get here and I for one love him!
Simon: Oh shutup yourself, you silly slag! He's rubbish, you're rubbish, you haven't even got the brains for the zombie to eat, you're....arrrgh! She's set me on fire!"
All this an more on tonight's spellbinding episode of American Idol! Brought to you by Zombie Motors, we put the 'Graaaaahhh....' back into driving!"
Zombie Bub: Graaaaaaahhh...
Simon Cowell: Well that was simply the worst thing I've ever heard. I mean it wasn't even singing, it was just moaning, and it wasn't even in time!
Paula Abdul: Shutup Simon! He's a zombie, he's done really well to get here and I for one love him!
Simon: Oh shutup yourself, you silly slag! He's rubbish, you're rubbish, you haven't even got the brains for the zombie to eat, you're....arrrgh! She's set me on fire!"
All this an more on tonight's spellbinding episode of American Idol! Brought to you by Zombie Motors, we put the 'Graaaaahhh....' back into driving!"
14 January 2008
Scott is followed by pirates
I'm sure the boy would prefer not to have a pirate vessel tagging along by his side.
"Hi John, how are............um, is that a pirate ship?"
"Look, just ignore it ok? It just started following me around and it won't go away."
"Ignore it? Its a frggin' pirate ship! Look, its even got pirates on board! AND they're buckling swashes!"
"They're doing it to get attention. Just pretend they aren't there ok? God this is so embarrasing. What am I going to tell mum? There's not enough petfood for them AND the cat and dog at home! LOOK, FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO FOLLOW AROUND, WILL YOU?!"
"Aww....look, now you've made them all sad. Hey, I wonder if they can do any tricks?"
"I don't care, I just want them to go away already."
"Nah, I bet they know all kinds of cool tricks, like.......pillaging and plundering and stealing booty. HEY BOYS, CAN YOU STEAL BOOTY? CAN YA? HUH? HUH? Aw look at them, they're so cute, they're bouncing all around the place in excitement!"
"Damn it Paul, stop encouraging them!"
"Hi John, how are............um, is that a pirate ship?"
"Look, just ignore it ok? It just started following me around and it won't go away."
"Ignore it? Its a frggin' pirate ship! Look, its even got pirates on board! AND they're buckling swashes!"
"They're doing it to get attention. Just pretend they aren't there ok? God this is so embarrasing. What am I going to tell mum? There's not enough petfood for them AND the cat and dog at home! LOOK, FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO FOLLOW AROUND, WILL YOU?!"
"Aww....look, now you've made them all sad. Hey, I wonder if they can do any tricks?"
"I don't care, I just want them to go away already."
"Nah, I bet they know all kinds of cool tricks, like.......pillaging and plundering and stealing booty. HEY BOYS, CAN YOU STEAL BOOTY? CAN YA? HUH? HUH? Aw look at them, they're so cute, they're bouncing all around the place in excitement!"
"Damn it Paul, stop encouraging them!"
10 January 2008
Scott doesn't like work
Scott:
how dare a client call me on my first day back at work to discuss his case! Doesn't he know I have no idea about his case and that I can't be arsed looking at it right now?! The rudeness and impertinence of the man!
Rebecca:
Did you explain your displeasure to the client?
Scott:
no, i just sounded like a derelict drunk muttering about babboons spying on me
"Mr Brennan, can I email you my reponse to your letter rather than mailing it by hand?"
"muttermuttersnortmutterdamnbabboons......is'll a consp...a con....a sponcriracy by theguvment.....muttermutter....eyes....wha' me e'rywhere....robot mon'eys!"
how dare a client call me on my first day back at work to discuss his case! Doesn't he know I have no idea about his case and that I can't be arsed looking at it right now?! The rudeness and impertinence of the man!
Rebecca:
Did you explain your displeasure to the client?
Scott:
no, i just sounded like a derelict drunk muttering about babboons spying on me
"Mr Brennan, can I email you my reponse to your letter rather than mailing it by hand?"
"muttermuttersnortmutterdamnbabboons......is'll a consp...a con....a sponcriracy by theguvment.....muttermutter....eyes....wha' me e'rywhere....robot mon'eys!"
Scott on James's wrongness
The relationship between weasels and the prevalence of ferocious mountain gazebos is not linear but in fact exponential. Eventually the number of weasel/gazebos reaches a steady state of supra-inverted quantum matter that I call "Hurtzberger Prime". The formation of HP matter conculsively proves that I am unable to achieve the same state of wrongness that James is able to.
12 December 2007
Scott's wenches
Amber:
Scott, we should have thrown him a wench
Scott:
I'm all out of emergency wenches, unfortunately.
Amber:
get me a fathom o' wenches! On the double! Yarrrrrrrrr
Scott:
Quick, Timmy's fallen down the well! Throw him the emergency wench!
Amber:
Sarge, I've just been downstairs and our emergency wenches have all mysteriously disappeared. You know we've already talked about this kind of thing.
Scott:
Go search the lockers, Constable, I think you'll find the wenches stuffed inside. The boys have obviously forgotten to put the wenches back in the supply room after use.
Scott, we should have thrown him a wench
Scott:
I'm all out of emergency wenches, unfortunately.
Amber:
get me a fathom o' wenches! On the double! Yarrrrrrrrr
Scott:
Quick, Timmy's fallen down the well! Throw him the emergency wench!
Amber:
Sarge, I've just been downstairs and our emergency wenches have all mysteriously disappeared. You know we've already talked about this kind of thing.
Scott:
Go search the lockers, Constable, I think you'll find the wenches stuffed inside. The boys have obviously forgotten to put the wenches back in the supply room after use.
Scott the mad scientist
Amber:
James is alive!
Scott:
Its allive! alive! *cackles* Those fools at the Royal Society said it would never happen, but they were wrong! Muahahahahaha! Today I am a god!
James:
You always were a mite dyslexic, Beauregarde - today you are, in fact, a dog.
Now be a good boy and fetch my slippers.
Scott:
Bark!
James is alive!
Scott:
Its allive! alive! *cackles* Those fools at the Royal Society said it would never happen, but they were wrong! Muahahahahaha! Today I am a god!
James:
You always were a mite dyslexic, Beauregarde - today you are, in fact, a dog.
Now be a good boy and fetch my slippers.
Scott:
Bark!
Scott speaks LOL cat
"dear mr bossman,
can I has hometime now, plz?"
"Dear Mr X,
Noooooo, we be taking your visa!! lolz!"
can I has hometime now, plz?"
"Dear Mr X,
Noooooo, we be taking your visa!! lolz!"
23 November 2007
Scott and bureaucracies
Annoying Person: "I understand you're looking at this case."
Me: "Yes I am"
AP: "I'm preparing a possible sensitive case report for John, though I don't really know who that is, and was wondering if you could give me a briefing on what you've done so far."
Me: "John is my director, I've already briefed him on the case AND given him a possible sensitive case report. You don't need to do one."
AP: "Well that's fine, but I still need to prepare one."
Me: "ITS ALREADY BEEN DONE."
AP: "I understand but I have to keep John informed of the progress of this case."
Me: "He's my director, I'm meeting with him daily."
AP: "Yes but.....sensitive case.....informed.....seeking justification for my existence....bananas are spying on me...."
Me: "Fine, here's the sensitive case report I've written, you can take my name off it and put yours on."
AP: "Thank you, and if you can keep me informed of the case."
Me: "But you're not from this section and it has no impact on you, your director, your section or anything even remotely linked to your putrescent existence!"
AP: "You still need to keep me informed because I am clinically insane and will destroy you and everything you stand for if you don't."
Me: "Fine. Nothing has happened. Nothing will continue to happen for several weeks. I will keep you updated as nothing continues to happen."
AP: "Excellent. Now if you'll excuse me I need to run around the office with my underpants on my head."
I hate the people that work in bureaucracies.
Me: "Yes I am"
AP: "I'm preparing a possible sensitive case report for John, though I don't really know who that is, and was wondering if you could give me a briefing on what you've done so far."
Me: "John is my director, I've already briefed him on the case AND given him a possible sensitive case report. You don't need to do one."
AP: "Well that's fine, but I still need to prepare one."
Me: "ITS ALREADY BEEN DONE."
AP: "I understand but I have to keep John informed of the progress of this case."
Me: "He's my director, I'm meeting with him daily."
AP: "Yes but.....sensitive case.....informed.....seeking justification for my existence....bananas are spying on me...."
Me: "Fine, here's the sensitive case report I've written, you can take my name off it and put yours on."
AP: "Thank you, and if you can keep me informed of the case."
Me: "But you're not from this section and it has no impact on you, your director, your section or anything even remotely linked to your putrescent existence!"
AP: "You still need to keep me informed because I am clinically insane and will destroy you and everything you stand for if you don't."
Me: "Fine. Nothing has happened. Nothing will continue to happen for several weeks. I will keep you updated as nothing continues to happen."
AP: "Excellent. Now if you'll excuse me I need to run around the office with my underpants on my head."
I hate the people that work in bureaucracies.
22 November 2007
Scott on spork usage
The spork was favoured by many roman gladiators as their weapon of choice. Fights between dedicated spearmen and sporkmen were something to behold. Pliny the Younger records that the gladiator Sporkus Porcupinius won more than 50 fights with a spork, including a famous fight against a dozen germanic tribesmen, a lion, two tigers, a Persian on a war elepant and a small elderly goat. The Emperor eventually awarded him the Spork of Freedom and he eventually went on to become a respected senator.
31 October 2007
Scott's memory
James:
Yesterday a girl I work with said that one of her uni classmates has a "photogenic memory".
I tried really hard. I promise I did.
Then I pissed myself laughing.
She was a little offended., but I assured her I was laughing at the mental images it generated, not at her being dumb.
Scott:
I hate photogenic memories, they always look so much better in photos than my memory does. My memory always looks like a mad escapee from a hair factory explosion.
Yesterday a girl I work with said that one of her uni classmates has a "photogenic memory".
I tried really hard. I promise I did.
Then I pissed myself laughing.
She was a little offended., but I assured her I was laughing at the mental images it generated, not at her being dumb.
Scott:
I hate photogenic memories, they always look so much better in photos than my memory does. My memory always looks like a mad escapee from a hair factory explosion.
29 October 2007
Scott's god
James:
Wait on... is God part of nature, or is he supernatural, not of this earth?
If the latter is true, then god isn't natural and humans should shun God!
Scott:
I do, which is why I worship a small orange called Bert.
James:
Ahhh, peace with you, my brother in Bert.
Rebecca:
Is that the one near Claire's desk that has offerings of confectionary and plastic containers to appease it nearby?
James:
I am glad to hear that you and your colleagues know the correct way to honour the sacred image of Bert.
Scott:
Bert is all-knowing and all-powerful. Fear his citrus wrath!
For verrily did not the prophet Josephin of Mandarin say "thou shalst bringeth unto him an offering of small, useful containers that you shall stack in a great heap until one day when you open the cupboard door and they all fall out on the kitchen floor."
James:
"That day shall be the Sabbath of Bert," didst Josephin decree. "The true believer of bert shalt not engage in forbidden activities on the Sabbath of Bert. For full details of forbidden activities, please consult the Cult of Bert intranet, updated daily."
Scott:
"For shouldst thou undertake a forbidden activity in the presence of the Lord Bert, great shall be his wrath and he shall smite thou from on high, declaring "Pwned!!! Noob! lol!""
Wait on... is God part of nature, or is he supernatural, not of this earth?
If the latter is true, then god isn't natural and humans should shun God!
Scott:
I do, which is why I worship a small orange called Bert.
James:
Ahhh, peace with you, my brother in Bert.
Rebecca:
Is that the one near Claire's desk that has offerings of confectionary and plastic containers to appease it nearby?
James:
I am glad to hear that you and your colleagues know the correct way to honour the sacred image of Bert.
Scott:
Bert is all-knowing and all-powerful. Fear his citrus wrath!
For verrily did not the prophet Josephin of Mandarin say "thou shalst bringeth unto him an offering of small, useful containers that you shall stack in a great heap until one day when you open the cupboard door and they all fall out on the kitchen floor."
James:
"That day shall be the Sabbath of Bert," didst Josephin decree. "The true believer of bert shalt not engage in forbidden activities on the Sabbath of Bert. For full details of forbidden activities, please consult the Cult of Bert intranet, updated daily."
Scott:
"For shouldst thou undertake a forbidden activity in the presence of the Lord Bert, great shall be his wrath and he shall smite thou from on high, declaring "Pwned!!! Noob! lol!""
28 October 2007
Scott is diseased
Rebecca:
I don't want your diseases
Scott:
Scottness is contagious. Soon you'll all be infected and my evil spazzy plan to take over the world will have come to fruition. Muahahahaahahahaha ooo cheese!
I don't want your diseases
Scott:
Scottness is contagious. Soon you'll all be infected and my evil spazzy plan to take over the world will have come to fruition. Muahahahaahahahaha ooo cheese!
Scott writes a book for Oprah
Scott:
Not even if I plan to write a book that would appear on Oprah Winfrey's 'Book of the Month Club'?
Rebecca:
You don't want that
Scott:
Not even if I plan to write a book that would appear on Oprah Winfrey's 'Book of the Month Club'?
Rebecca:
You don't want that
Scott:
mmmm....it does tend to make the authors a lot of money....
"Let me tell you about this month's book! This is best book you'll ever read! Its called "How to Love the Man You Love Who Doesn't Love You Loving Him While Learning How to Release Your Inner Strength and Achieving Financial Security and Thinner Thighs in 30 Days!"
Rebecca:
But you wouldn't take it seriously and it'd be a huge laugh... and well its Oprah
Scott:
It'd be fun.
"So tell me Scott, why did you decide to write this book?"
"Let me tell you Opie, if I can call you Opie, I looked at the lazy, incapable, braindead people in your audience and thought to myself "I can screw them over....I mean, I can help them achieve everything they've ever wanted!" and, well, it just flowed on from there. All I've ever wanted to do is to screw...uh, help your audience and I'm glad so many people have learnt so much from buying my book for the exorbitant price its being sold for."
"Let me tell you about this month's book! This is best book you'll ever read! Its called "How to Love the Man You Love Who Doesn't Love You Loving Him While Learning How to Release Your Inner Strength and Achieving Financial Security and Thinner Thighs in 30 Days!"
Rebecca:
But you wouldn't take it seriously and it'd be a huge laugh... and well its Oprah
Scott:
It'd be fun.
"So tell me Scott, why did you decide to write this book?"
"Let me tell you Opie, if I can call you Opie, I looked at the lazy, incapable, braindead people in your audience and thought to myself "I can screw them over....I mean, I can help them achieve everything they've ever wanted!" and, well, it just flowed on from there. All I've ever wanted to do is to screw...uh, help your audience and I'm glad so many people have learnt so much from buying my book for the exorbitant price its being sold for."
Scott on literature and populist trash
Literature: books typically featuring little plot, characterisation, or structure but full of vaguely evocative prose hinting at hidden feelings of something or other. typically features a poor orphaned peasant child from a former USSR republic, abused by those around him, who find solace sitting by the village well looking at the clouds and dreaming of the day he can own a shiny new goat of his own.
Populist trash: books typically overloaded with so much plot that they practically leap out and slap you silly. often feature multiple story threads, characters with multiple (and occasionally conflicting) motivational story arcs, bounding leaps of logic, and, best of all, an immense sense of fun and enjoyment.
Populist trash: books typically overloaded with so much plot that they practically leap out and slap you silly. often feature multiple story threads, characters with multiple (and occasionally conflicting) motivational story arcs, bounding leaps of logic, and, best of all, an immense sense of fun and enjoyment.
I like to read stuff that is fun and goes somewhere amazing, or at the very least interesting. i feel both those aspects are somewhat lacking in literature.
Literature:
'The cloud shadows moved over the prone form of Igorovich Kolopsky like the shifting veils of belly dancer, revealing and then hiding tantalising glimpses of his street orphan form. And yet, lost in the liquid haze of memory and the slow burning fire lit by his last hit of morphine, all that occupied his mind's eye was the image of his grandfather's favourite goat...'
Populist Trash:
'Detective Igorina Kolopsky moved like a panther, her black leather military police uniform clinging to her figure like a drunk and his bottle of methylated spirits. Observing the carnage wrought by the latest appearance of vampiric werewolf zombie fiends, she fingered the trigger of her ridiculously powerful handgun and licked her lips, causing the blood pressure to immediately spike in her fellow officers....'
"She moved like an oiled leopard on roller skates, gliding across the room with barely a squeak. He'd been following her for at least 2 hours now and he'd had to admit that she was good. He'd almost lost her in Picadilly Circus, when the moonlight had shone off her tightly leather clad arse and temporarily blinded him, but he'd been saved but a timely cloud and was able to pick up her trail again by following the comatose and drooling men left in her wake."
Literature:
'The cloud shadows moved over the prone form of Igorovich Kolopsky like the shifting veils of belly dancer, revealing and then hiding tantalising glimpses of his street orphan form. And yet, lost in the liquid haze of memory and the slow burning fire lit by his last hit of morphine, all that occupied his mind's eye was the image of his grandfather's favourite goat...'
Populist Trash:
'Detective Igorina Kolopsky moved like a panther, her black leather military police uniform clinging to her figure like a drunk and his bottle of methylated spirits. Observing the carnage wrought by the latest appearance of vampiric werewolf zombie fiends, she fingered the trigger of her ridiculously powerful handgun and licked her lips, causing the blood pressure to immediately spike in her fellow officers....'
"She moved like an oiled leopard on roller skates, gliding across the room with barely a squeak. He'd been following her for at least 2 hours now and he'd had to admit that she was good. He'd almost lost her in Picadilly Circus, when the moonlight had shone off her tightly leather clad arse and temporarily blinded him, but he'd been saved but a timely cloud and was able to pick up her trail again by following the comatose and drooling men left in her wake."
23 October 2007
Scott creates logic
Scott:
anything is possible.
Rebecca:
hmm, I don't think it is
Scott:
bah! anything! follow quantum theory deep enough and its entirely probably that the universe is populated with chairs. in fact follow the logic deep enough and it becomes almost impossible that its not filled with chairs.
anything is possible.
Rebecca:
hmm, I don't think it is
Scott:
bah! anything! follow quantum theory deep enough and its entirely probably that the universe is populated with chairs. in fact follow the logic deep enough and it becomes almost impossible that its not filled with chairs.
19 October 2007
Scott uncovers the kittens' master plan
Scott:
"Soon, my fuzzy brothers and sisters, soon we will have absorbed the world's supply of cuteness and then we will be able to take over the world! The world shall bow before us, the new fuzzy masters! Muahahahahaha!! But first I need to petted and tickled under the chin."
James:
"Soon, my fuzzy brothers and sisters, soon we will have absorbed the world's supply of cuteness and then we will be able to take over the world! The world shall bow before us, the new fuzzy masters! Muahahahahaha!! But first I need to petted and tickled under the chin."
James:
"Representatives of the United Nations! behold your new leader!"
"Awwwwwww, he's so adorable!"
"Yes, adorable. My unchallenged adorability shall control you. Your wills are now mine."
"Awww, okay kitty kitty. Whatever you say."
"Awwwwwww, he's so adorable!"
"Yes, adorable. My unchallenged adorability shall control you. Your wills are now mine."
"Awww, okay kitty kitty. Whatever you say."
18 October 2007
Scott on James
Stock market analysts were taken by surprise today by an intense flurry of trading in Suck shares. Analysts have suggested that much of the activity was the result of the James Corporation making a run on Suck shares through a variety of hedge funds. Chief analyst at the Commonwealth Bank of Australia was reported as saying that "clearly James am teh suck".
16 October 2007
Scott's great political wit
"Good lord Henry! Did you hear the news?? They're claiming Howard is 'aping' George Bush!"
"What?? I will not stand for that at all! Its my duty to write a letter to the editor on behalf of all of us great apes! Are we not intelligent, cultured and possessing of superior social and tool using skills?"
"Indeed, Henry. But don't forget to fling poo at them as well."
"Of course not Richard, one can never forget to fling poo"
"What?? I will not stand for that at all! Its my duty to write a letter to the editor on behalf of all of us great apes! Are we not intelligent, cultured and possessing of superior social and tool using skills?"
"Indeed, Henry. But don't forget to fling poo at them as well."
"Of course not Richard, one can never forget to fling poo"
Scott imagines a Tasmanian astronaut
"Congratulations, Commander Mushkin, you are the first Tasmanian to walk inspace!"
"Thank you ground control. Its really amazing out here! The Earth is so very beautiful, I'm moved to give my own tribute."
"Mushkin, this is shuttle commander Johsnon, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I brought along a bottle of champagne to celebrate the moment. It probably got a bit shaken up during liftoff but I'm sure it's still good."
"What?! Were you asleep during the NASA training? Do you have any idea -"
*pop* *woosh*
"*sigh* Ground Control, this is the shuttle Magical Trevor. We have a premature re-entry of one Tasmanian astronaut."
"Mushkin, this is shuttle commander Johsnon, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I brought along a bottle of champagne to celebrate the moment. It probably got a bit shaken up during liftoff but I'm sure it's still good."
"What?! Were you asleep during the NASA training? Do you have any idea -"
*pop* *woosh*
"*sigh* Ground Control, this is the shuttle Magical Trevor. We have a premature re-entry of one Tasmanian astronaut."
Scott and James discuss the empire
Scott:
"I say, Sir Reginald, these natives don't seem to be at all keen to become part of the Empire. Perhaps the Royal Society should have embarked on some research before sending us to colonise them?"
"Research. Bottomley? Pah! One does not need research! One simply does! We are men of action, what?! I say....gack!"
"Sir Reginald? Sir? Oh dear. What do you think, Gerald?"
"I think Sir Reginald should have researched how to avoid getting speared in the throat, Sergeant."
"Wise as as ever, Gerald."
James:
"I say, Sir Reginald, these natives don't seem to be at all keen to become part of the Empire. Perhaps the Royal Society should have embarked on some research before sending us to colonise them?"
"Research. Bottomley? Pah! One does not need research! One simply does! We are men of action, what?! I say....gack!"
"Sir Reginald? Sir? Oh dear. What do you think, Gerald?"
"I think Sir Reginald should have researched how to avoid getting speared in the throat, Sergeant."
"Wise as as ever, Gerald."
James:
"I say, Sir Ramsbottom, this Africa thingummy. It seems to be rather... larger than anticipated."
"Dashed indecent of these fuzzywuzzies, in my opinion, Flatley. Once we've colonised we'll have to trim the place down a bit."
"Yes, that will be splendid, once we've colonised it. For now, though... I hate to be a bother, Sir, but we do only have three days' worth of cucumber and watercress sandwiches. That rather dusky fellow suggested our trip down the Congo may take weeks."
"Good heavens, man! You know what this means?"
"Yes. We'll have to eat the local, ah, cuisine."
"Yes, and me with my gippy tummy."
"The dusky fellow I was speaking to said we should have done some research before coming."
"Research! Gad! The nerve of him! We are Englishmen! If the world does not conform to our uneducated expectations, then that is the world's fault!"
"Dashed indecent of these fuzzywuzzies, in my opinion, Flatley. Once we've colonised we'll have to trim the place down a bit."
"Yes, that will be splendid, once we've colonised it. For now, though... I hate to be a bother, Sir, but we do only have three days' worth of cucumber and watercress sandwiches. That rather dusky fellow suggested our trip down the Congo may take weeks."
"Good heavens, man! You know what this means?"
"Yes. We'll have to eat the local, ah, cuisine."
"Yes, and me with my gippy tummy."
"The dusky fellow I was speaking to said we should have done some research before coming."
"Research! Gad! The nerve of him! We are Englishmen! If the world does not conform to our uneducated expectations, then that is the world's fault!"
12 October 2007
Scott writes medical dramas
After this story
"Get me a vodka and orange, stat!"
"But doctor, you can't drink in the operating theatre!"
"Dammit! This man's life is in danger! If we don't cure his sobriety in the next few minutes he'll be dead!"
"Get me a vodka and orange, stat!"
"But doctor, you can't drink in the operating theatre!"
"Dammit! This man's life is in danger! If we don't cure his sobriety in the next few minutes he'll be dead!"
Scott write children's cartoons
Amber:
Meanwhile, it was only about a year ago that I found out that Spongebob actually ISN'T a piece of cheese.
Scott:
and here I was think that the word "sponge" in his name was a definite clue...
Amber:
Yes, but that would be logical.
Scott:
Hey kids, stay tuned for our next cartoon "Hermit Crab Jones Who Lives In a Bucket at The Bottom of a Filth Pond". Its about a talking gherkin that lives on the moon!
Meanwhile, it was only about a year ago that I found out that Spongebob actually ISN'T a piece of cheese.
Scott:
and here I was think that the word "sponge" in his name was a definite clue...
Amber:
Yes, but that would be logical.
Scott:
Hey kids, stay tuned for our next cartoon "Hermit Crab Jones Who Lives In a Bucket at The Bottom of a Filth Pond". Its about a talking gherkin that lives on the moon!
10 October 2007
Scott on the gay bomb
After viewing this art work
Scott:
Is it called "Rainbow Brite Demonstrates Nuclear Capability"?
Rebecca:
Not that I am aware of
James:
GAYBOMB!!! MINCE FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
Scott:
"General Pansy, how much damage can we expect from this attack?"
"I've prepared some diagrams, Mr President. As you can see ground zero will have an effective radius of 5 miles from the epicentre. Anyone caught within ground zero will be immediately i-gay-diated."
"Dear god!"
"Beyond ground zero there'll be what I call the 'I Like it Both Ways' zone. We figure this will have a radius of roughly 10-15 miles and while it won't turn everyone inside it gay, it will definitely affect their sexual orientation to some degree and we do expect a dramatic rise in the number of tight leather pants being worn."
"The horror!"
"Outside of these zones the effects should be less but will also be unpredictable. We don't know how far these will spread but we're already seeing affects as far away as us here in Washington."
"How so, General?"
"Well for example before the attack my uniform wasn't pink and my name was General Studly McButch."
Scott:
Is it called "Rainbow Brite Demonstrates Nuclear Capability"?
Rebecca:
Not that I am aware of
James:
GAYBOMB!!! MINCE FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
Scott:
"General Pansy, how much damage can we expect from this attack?"
"I've prepared some diagrams, Mr President. As you can see ground zero will have an effective radius of 5 miles from the epicentre. Anyone caught within ground zero will be immediately i-gay-diated."
"Dear god!"
"Beyond ground zero there'll be what I call the 'I Like it Both Ways' zone. We figure this will have a radius of roughly 10-15 miles and while it won't turn everyone inside it gay, it will definitely affect their sexual orientation to some degree and we do expect a dramatic rise in the number of tight leather pants being worn."
"The horror!"
"Outside of these zones the effects should be less but will also be unpredictable. We don't know how far these will spread but we're already seeing affects as far away as us here in Washington."
"How so, General?"
"Well for example before the attack my uniform wasn't pink and my name was General Studly McButch."
5 October 2007
Scott has weird dreams
So last night I dreamt that I was some kind of an expert on Egyptian occult, specifically the malevolent spirit of Tutankhamun, who was apparently quite evil and demonic. Some kind of Discovery channel/live stage act team managed to set his spirit free despite my warnings and protestations, and then I had to embark on a quest to recapture his spirit. For some reason this meant teaming up with a bunch of violent outlaw redneck truck drivers. This also meant we had to gather at a brothel/truckstop on the outskirts of Brisbane......the logic seems to be missing. Anyway, the spirit of Tut found us there and burnt the brothel to the ground, incinerating several hundred people mid coitus, except my squad of violent repulsive truck drivers who hadn't yet got round to choosing who they wanted to sleep with, and except me who'd gone to bed early in order to regain my strength for the showdown with Tut. We then traced his spirit to a nearby Coles supermarket and I decided to try to summon and bind him in the fruit and veg section. However, as I was uttering my binding chants I realised that was I chanting was absolute nonsense but decided to keep going on the grounds that it sounded vaguely mystical and Egyptian. It didn't fool the truck drivers, who started getting a bit angry but it still worked and Tut was summoned. As I was attempting to trap him in the body of an empty-headed fashion model I'd brought along specifically for the task, I woke up.
I think my subconcious comes up with such bizarre dreams deliberately in order to piss of dream readers.
I think my subconcious comes up with such bizarre dreams deliberately in order to piss of dream readers.
4 October 2007
Scott on snorns
Scott:
so what is a snorn?
Rebecca:
long drawn out snore?
Scott:
it sounds almost alive
Rebecca:
Its alive! And not alice as I first typed
Scott:
Alice the Snorn
Rebecca:
*laugh* That could be an interesting character.
Or just weird... "Oh I name my snores, they're such a different part of me"
Scott:
"And here comes Alice now..... guuurrghrururrgrurrurururururururhruhruhrrhurhrrrsncukryfyr"
so what is a snorn?
Rebecca:
long drawn out snore?
Scott:
it sounds almost alive
Rebecca:
Its alive! And not alice as I first typed
Scott:
Alice the Snorn
Rebecca:
*laugh* That could be an interesting character.
Or just weird... "Oh I name my snores, they're such a different part of me"
Scott:
"And here comes Alice now..... guuurrghrururrgrurrurururururururhruhruhrrhurhrrrsncukryfyr"
28 September 2007
Scott quotes sporks
Amber:
Sporks. Oh, the sporks.
Scott:
Is this a spork which i see before me, the prongs toward my hand?
James:
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the spork.
To be or not to be, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
To suffer the sporks and arrows of outrageous meatbombs...
Out! Out! Damned Spork!
Scott:
By the pricking of my sporks, something wicked this way walks.
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your meatbombs. I come to bury Ceasar, not to spork him.
We are such stuff as dreams are made on and our little life is rounded with a sleazy dumpling...
Michelle:
A spork, a spork, my kingdom for a spork
Now is the spork of our discontent
James:
The quality of meatbombs is not strained,
It falleth like the gentle sporks...
Michelle:
Titus Andronispork
Scott:
Something is rotten in the spork of Denmark
Michelle:
Alas, poor Meatbomb - I knew him, Horatio, a sleazy dumpling of infinite jest
James:
Dumplingkrantz and Rosenspork are dead...
Sporks. Oh, the sporks.
Scott:
Is this a spork which i see before me, the prongs toward my hand?
James:
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the spork.
To be or not to be, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
To suffer the sporks and arrows of outrageous meatbombs...
Out! Out! Damned Spork!
Scott:
By the pricking of my sporks, something wicked this way walks.
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your meatbombs. I come to bury Ceasar, not to spork him.
We are such stuff as dreams are made on and our little life is rounded with a sleazy dumpling...
Michelle:
A spork, a spork, my kingdom for a spork
Now is the spork of our discontent
James:
The quality of meatbombs is not strained,
It falleth like the gentle sporks...
Michelle:
Titus Andronispork
Scott:
Something is rotten in the spork of Denmark
Michelle:
Alas, poor Meatbomb - I knew him, Horatio, a sleazy dumpling of infinite jest
James:
Dumplingkrantz and Rosenspork are dead...
Scott on Fitz...
James:
Hey, you know how "fitz" was traditionally added to the beginning of the name of a recognised illegitimate child (e.g. Gerald's illegitimate child is not "Gerald's son" or "Geraldson" but "Fitzgerald")? Well, there's an ex-union Labor guy hoping to get a seat in this election called FitzGibbon.
I got some unpleasant mental images.
Scott:
The family always suspected that Sir Reginald went a bit "native" during his stint as ambassador in south east asia, and he certainly was very keen on his pet gibbons
Hey, you know how "fitz" was traditionally added to the beginning of the name of a recognised illegitimate child (e.g. Gerald's illegitimate child is not "Gerald's son" or "Geraldson" but "Fitzgerald")? Well, there's an ex-union Labor guy hoping to get a seat in this election called FitzGibbon.
I got some unpleasant mental images.
Scott:
The family always suspected that Sir Reginald went a bit "native" during his stint as ambassador in south east asia, and he certainly was very keen on his pet gibbons
21 September 2007
Scott's sick mind and body
I don't know if its the Strepsils making me sleepy or the lunch in the fresh air I just had, but in an effort to remain awake I have been coming up with headlines I'd love to see in the newspapers.
"Abbot and Costello in Swedish Sauna Tryst!
'It Was a Caucus Meeting' says Treasurer!'"
"Surgeon General Finds Surgeon General Bad for Nation's Health:
Causes Stress and Anxiety Which Leads to Heart Attack"
"Golf Stripped of Sports Status:
'We Were Only Kidding Ourselves' says Golfing Federation"
"Coal Industry Reveals it Bought Fed Government:
Declares it 'Matched Office Wallpaper'"
"Canberra Outlaws Rednecks:
Queensland Threatens to Secede"
"Bob Brown Sworn in as PM, Replaces COM Cars With Bicycles:
Backbenchers Snatch Up Nation's Supply of Extra-Large Bike Shorts"
"Pentagon Finds WMD: 'He's in the Whitehouse'"
"Connex Reveals Solution to Train Crisis:
Tells Commuters to Stop Going to Work"
"Bill Gates Buys Belgium:
'Let's See Those Linux Losers Copy This' Says Billionaire"
"Abbot and Costello in Swedish Sauna Tryst!
'It Was a Caucus Meeting' says Treasurer!'"
"Surgeon General Finds Surgeon General Bad for Nation's Health:
Causes Stress and Anxiety Which Leads to Heart Attack"
"Golf Stripped of Sports Status:
'We Were Only Kidding Ourselves' says Golfing Federation"
"Coal Industry Reveals it Bought Fed Government:
Declares it 'Matched Office Wallpaper'"
"Canberra Outlaws Rednecks:
Queensland Threatens to Secede"
"Bob Brown Sworn in as PM, Replaces COM Cars With Bicycles:
Backbenchers Snatch Up Nation's Supply of Extra-Large Bike Shorts"
"Pentagon Finds WMD: 'He's in the Whitehouse'"
"Connex Reveals Solution to Train Crisis:
Tells Commuters to Stop Going to Work"
"Bill Gates Buys Belgium:
'Let's See Those Linux Losers Copy This' Says Billionaire"
12 September 2007
Scott gives a medical warning
Surgeon General's Warning:
Snorting quiche can lead to blindness, deafness, impotence, irrationality, rashes, herpes, scurvy, ingrown toenails, baldness, ear sagging, brewer's droop, skin discolouration, buttock tumors, senility, sterility, excessive testosterone, miscarriage in pregnant women, miscarriage in pregnant sheep, chronic uncontrollable flatulence, uncontrollable barking, binge drinking, jazz hands and nose cancer. Quich snorting has also been implicated in the creation of conservative political parties, baptists churches, corporate lawyers, people that think Ben Affleck is sexy and breakfast radio DJs.
For god's snake don't snort quiche!
This public safety message has been brought to you by the surgeon general of America: protecting America from things it might consider fun.
Snorting quiche can lead to blindness, deafness, impotence, irrationality, rashes, herpes, scurvy, ingrown toenails, baldness, ear sagging, brewer's droop, skin discolouration, buttock tumors, senility, sterility, excessive testosterone, miscarriage in pregnant women, miscarriage in pregnant sheep, chronic uncontrollable flatulence, uncontrollable barking, binge drinking, jazz hands and nose cancer. Quich snorting has also been implicated in the creation of conservative political parties, baptists churches, corporate lawyers, people that think Ben Affleck is sexy and breakfast radio DJs.
For god's snake don't snort quiche!
This public safety message has been brought to you by the surgeon general of America: protecting America from things it might consider fun.
Scott writes a new medical drama
Nurse: "Doctor! You can't feed gravy intravenously into his blood supply! You'll kill him!"
Doctor: "Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a chef! Now help me hook him up!"
Nurse: "Oh Dr McGravy, you're so sexy when you're commanding like that" *swoons*
Patient: "Hey doc, you saved my life!"
Doctor: "Damn I'm hot."
There, I do believe I have just created the hit new medical drama for CBS. It contains everything all the other medical dramas have, plus it taps into the current craze for cooking shows. I am a genius, and soon I shall be a rich genius. Muahahahaha!
Doctor: "Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a chef! Now help me hook him up!"
Nurse: "Oh Dr McGravy, you're so sexy when you're commanding like that" *swoons*
Patient: "Hey doc, you saved my life!"
Doctor: "Damn I'm hot."
There, I do believe I have just created the hit new medical drama for CBS. It contains everything all the other medical dramas have, plus it taps into the current craze for cooking shows. I am a genius, and soon I shall be a rich genius. Muahahahaha!
7 September 2007
Scott starts writing an opera
Scott:
Paperwork! Paperwork!
We're generating excessive amounts of
paperwork! paperwork!
I can't understand why we all need so much of this
paperwork! paperwork!
they just found a corpse under a huge pile of
paperwork! paperwork!
James:
We are
The ones who love the tape of red!
We work
So slowly you might think us dead!
We fight
The evils of efficiency!
We love
Our deeply mired bureaucracy!
Scott:
I am the evil queen of stationery
I deny your request maliciously
and yet order stock rapaciously!
I guard the cupboard key courageously
the staff are terrified of me
for I am the queen of stationery!
(the second part of the stationery queen section: the queen confronted by the pleading mob)
Can I get a leather bound diary?
No!
Can I have a pen that won't ink spray me?
No!
A stapler that won't staple me?
No!
A pad with more than pages three?
No!
Paper recycled instead of from a tree?
No!
I deny your request
I deny your requeeeeeest
because I'm me!
James:
Oh come, come with me,
There's a thing that you must see.
Let's use the photocopier for non-work-related things!
Some party invitations,
Or a map of railway stations,
It's a joy to run off mountains of non-work-related things!
Though the code of conduct says that it's prohibited,
Everybody does it just a little bit!
I need fifty of this flier,
And sheet music for my choir.
Let's squander corporate assets on non-work-related things!
I'll waste an entire forest
Printing jokes about Chuck Norris!
I just can't get enough of these non-work-related things!
Scott:
I didn't get in til past 10 and i'll be leaving at 3:30
It looks as if I'm doing work but in reality i'm not.
I skip from cubicle to cubicle and I'm feeling kind of flirty
I'm the bastard of the office and I think I'm really hot.
Oh they call it harassment
And I am an embarrassment
I'll scream out 'entrapment!'
when they eventually bring me down
They say that when I'm gone they all feel dirty
and instead of smoking cigarettes i'm always smoking pot
i make crude jokes and say my keyboard's 'squirty'
I'm the bastard of the office and I think I'm really hot.
Oh they call it harassment
And I am an embarrassment
I'll scream out 'entrapment!'
when they eventually bring me down
Paperwork! Paperwork!
We're generating excessive amounts of
paperwork! paperwork!
I can't understand why we all need so much of this
paperwork! paperwork!
they just found a corpse under a huge pile of
paperwork! paperwork!
James:
We are
The ones who love the tape of red!
We work
So slowly you might think us dead!
We fight
The evils of efficiency!
We love
Our deeply mired bureaucracy!
Scott:
I am the evil queen of stationery
I deny your request maliciously
and yet order stock rapaciously!
I guard the cupboard key courageously
the staff are terrified of me
for I am the queen of stationery!
(the second part of the stationery queen section: the queen confronted by the pleading mob)
Can I get a leather bound diary?
No!
Can I have a pen that won't ink spray me?
No!
A stapler that won't staple me?
No!
A pad with more than pages three?
No!
Paper recycled instead of from a tree?
No!
For I am the queen of stationery
and I deny your requestI deny your request
I deny your requeeeeeest
because I'm me!
James:
Oh come, come with me,
There's a thing that you must see.
Let's use the photocopier for non-work-related things!
Some party invitations,
Or a map of railway stations,
It's a joy to run off mountains of non-work-related things!
Though the code of conduct says that it's prohibited,
Everybody does it just a little bit!
I need fifty of this flier,
And sheet music for my choir.
Let's squander corporate assets on non-work-related things!
I'll waste an entire forest
Printing jokes about Chuck Norris!
I just can't get enough of these non-work-related things!
Scott:
I didn't get in til past 10 and i'll be leaving at 3:30
It looks as if I'm doing work but in reality i'm not.
I skip from cubicle to cubicle and I'm feeling kind of flirty
I'm the bastard of the office and I think I'm really hot.
Oh they call it harassment
And I am an embarrassment
I'll scream out 'entrapment!'
when they eventually bring me down
They say that when I'm gone they all feel dirty
and instead of smoking cigarettes i'm always smoking pot
i make crude jokes and say my keyboard's 'squirty'
I'm the bastard of the office and I think I'm really hot.
Oh they call it harassment
And I am an embarrassment
I'll scream out 'entrapment!'
when they eventually bring me down
Scott and deepest darkest somewhere...
James:
The PS3 has a new camera peripheral coming out called The Eye, and a game for it called Eye of Judgement. Armed with that background, you may now enjoy the joke.
Scott:
I may? Why good sir you are far too kind and far too free with granting your permission. I say withhold permission until the scoundrels agree to go back to work for a penny an hour!
James:
I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
Scott:
I have heard it said that the natives of Limpopoland use blowpipes and sarcasm darts to bring down monkeys when hunting. Sir Reginald said that he'd personally witnessed feats of sarcasm accuracy of the likes never before recorded on 3 separate occasions, but then the man is prone to exaggeration, particularly after a sherry or two.
James:
The sarcasm darts are amazingly fast-acting and powerful. Sir Reginald was attacked by a native when first attempting to make contact with the tribe, and was struck by a dart. One of his aides asked if he was okay, and the normally placid Sir Reginald replied, "Oh, sure, I'm fine - I just LOVE having poison darts stuck in my arse, didn't you know?"
Scott:
I was speaking to Charles at the Royal Society the other day and he said that the ill-fated expedition of Sir Wallace McScroggin (imagine! a Scotsman in the Royal Society!) of 1885 was attacked by natives no less than 9 times. Sir Wallace himself was suspected of being poisoned; when told that half his expedition had fled in terror back down the river Swee he replied "No way, really? Wow. And you know what else? The sky's blue and this forest is full of trees!"
James:
Other natives in neighbouring areas utilised different poisons in their blowdarts. When Sir Mallory de Ramsbottom was struck by an obsessive compulsive dart, his expedition was held up for several hours as he insisted on stopping every couple of minutes to check that the dart "really had been removed" and that there "definitely weren't any more". An expedition from the previous year broke down into petty squabbling after natives hailed them with passive aggressive blowdarts. Said Mr Harry Doughboy of the expedition's leader, "I have no complaints about his leadership. He does the best he can, and nobody's perfect. I think it's great how hard he works to overcome his many shortcomings."
Scott:
Sir Wallace presented what I consider to be a somewhat fanciful report at the last Society gathering of mysterious tribe hidden deep within Limpopoland that even the natives are scared of. According to their legends there is a tribe that uses a bureaucratic inertia dart. When struck apparently the victim becomes completely unable to make individual decisions, organises never-ending roundtables and focus groups, and starts producing paperwork at an alarming rate. While I consider this to be nothing more than some local witchdoctor's flight of fancy, it would explain the now legendary disappearance of Sir Philbert Arthwarton's expedition of 1867. According to the members of the expedition that was sent to find them no trace was found, except for a whiteboard bearing the words "How can we leverage our synergistic enterprise solutions in a competitive expeditionary environment?" and the scattered remains of a draft OH&S report on the dangers of conducting expeditions in a non-standard workplace environment.
The PS3 has a new camera peripheral coming out called The Eye, and a game for it called Eye of Judgement. Armed with that background, you may now enjoy the joke.
Scott:
I may? Why good sir you are far too kind and far too free with granting your permission. I say withhold permission until the scoundrels agree to go back to work for a penny an hour!
James:
I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
Scott:
I have heard it said that the natives of Limpopoland use blowpipes and sarcasm darts to bring down monkeys when hunting. Sir Reginald said that he'd personally witnessed feats of sarcasm accuracy of the likes never before recorded on 3 separate occasions, but then the man is prone to exaggeration, particularly after a sherry or two.
James:
The sarcasm darts are amazingly fast-acting and powerful. Sir Reginald was attacked by a native when first attempting to make contact with the tribe, and was struck by a dart. One of his aides asked if he was okay, and the normally placid Sir Reginald replied, "Oh, sure, I'm fine - I just LOVE having poison darts stuck in my arse, didn't you know?"
Scott:
I was speaking to Charles at the Royal Society the other day and he said that the ill-fated expedition of Sir Wallace McScroggin (imagine! a Scotsman in the Royal Society!) of 1885 was attacked by natives no less than 9 times. Sir Wallace himself was suspected of being poisoned; when told that half his expedition had fled in terror back down the river Swee he replied "No way, really? Wow. And you know what else? The sky's blue and this forest is full of trees!"
James:
Other natives in neighbouring areas utilised different poisons in their blowdarts. When Sir Mallory de Ramsbottom was struck by an obsessive compulsive dart, his expedition was held up for several hours as he insisted on stopping every couple of minutes to check that the dart "really had been removed" and that there "definitely weren't any more". An expedition from the previous year broke down into petty squabbling after natives hailed them with passive aggressive blowdarts. Said Mr Harry Doughboy of the expedition's leader, "I have no complaints about his leadership. He does the best he can, and nobody's perfect. I think it's great how hard he works to overcome his many shortcomings."
Scott:
Sir Wallace presented what I consider to be a somewhat fanciful report at the last Society gathering of mysterious tribe hidden deep within Limpopoland that even the natives are scared of. According to their legends there is a tribe that uses a bureaucratic inertia dart. When struck apparently the victim becomes completely unable to make individual decisions, organises never-ending roundtables and focus groups, and starts producing paperwork at an alarming rate. While I consider this to be nothing more than some local witchdoctor's flight of fancy, it would explain the now legendary disappearance of Sir Philbert Arthwarton's expedition of 1867. According to the members of the expedition that was sent to find them no trace was found, except for a whiteboard bearing the words "How can we leverage our synergistic enterprise solutions in a competitive expeditionary environment?" and the scattered remains of a draft OH&S report on the dangers of conducting expeditions in a non-standard workplace environment.
Scott describes Amber's borrowed car
A very rundown Falcon. A Falcon that should be driven by someone wearing a mullet, footy shorts and thongs.
Scott on breasts
At least they weren't generic breasts. They're all ... bleah. Just the like the Kenny G of breasts.
5 September 2007
Scott's election day promise
After this article
There is only one thing I want for my birthday and if you people don't deliver I'll have you all killed. I mean it. Anyone that doesn't vote as directed by me will their insides scooped out by a big spoon and replaced with spikey pineapples and fire ants.
There is only one thing I want for my birthday and if you people don't deliver I'll have you all killed. I mean it. Anyone that doesn't vote as directed by me will their insides scooped out by a big spoon and replaced with spikey pineapples and fire ants.
Scott and the pink triangle
In the now extinct Hopkoopi dialect of the now extinct Hopkoopi indians of south america, pink triangles carried the meaning of "bugger! that damn boa constrictor is trying to eat my head again!"
Scott imagines the effect of James outing himself at work
"Have you heard?? James is bi!! *schoolgirl squeal*"
"James is going to buy what?"
"No! He's bi! BI! *schoolgirl squeal*"
"He's a bi- what? Bivalve? Bicycle? Biplane?"
"Noooo! A bisexual. You know. He likes boys as much as girls! *schoolgirl squeal*"
"Oh. So, what, you think we should buy him a cake?"
"What?? Noooooo! Why does he need a cake?"
"Well you're obviously making such a big deal of it that it seems we should do something to celebrate. Buy him a cake. In fact, go to the shops and buy stuff for a morning tea tomorrow."
"But.....why? What? How? I don't understand!"
"Go buy morning tea stuff because if you squeal in here one more time I'm going to stab you to death with my keyboard."
At least, that's one possible scenario of what might happen in some alternate universe somewhere. Hey, its not all bad, at least there's cake.
"James is going to buy what?"
"No! He's bi! BI! *schoolgirl squeal*"
"He's a bi- what? Bivalve? Bicycle? Biplane?"
"Noooo! A bisexual. You know. He likes boys as much as girls! *schoolgirl squeal*"
"Oh. So, what, you think we should buy him a cake?"
"What?? Noooooo! Why does he need a cake?"
"Well you're obviously making such a big deal of it that it seems we should do something to celebrate. Buy him a cake. In fact, go to the shops and buy stuff for a morning tea tomorrow."
"But.....why? What? How? I don't understand!"
"Go buy morning tea stuff because if you squeal in here one more time I'm going to stab you to death with my keyboard."
At least, that's one possible scenario of what might happen in some alternate universe somewhere. Hey, its not all bad, at least there's cake.
Scott names his future child
My son shall be named.....
Reginald Forsythe St. John Eiderdown Wallace Snodgrass-Wildebeast.
If he survives school with that name he'll be able to take on the world.
Reginald Forsythe St. John Eiderdown Wallace Snodgrass-Wildebeast.
If he survives school with that name he'll be able to take on the world.
Scott discusses dinosaurs
Ramphorynchus Richardson sounds kinda posh. I can almost picture the bird, looking over its half moon spectacles, discussing politics with the other prehistoric birds and wondering why all the common working class birds can't all be rounded up and sent down the mines.
30 August 2007
Scott discusses the workings of the public service
i'm sorry but i think you've come to the wrong office if you want silliness. this is the Department of Serious People Doing Serious Things With Very Serious Looks on Their Faces. The Office of Loons, Spazzes and Just Plain Weird Stuff is next door.
Scott likes pies
Amber:
The Pie-Eating Samurai... now there's a movie waiting to happen.
And for variation's sake... The Pie Eating Samurai
Scott:
"You have dishonoured my pie!"
"No! Your pie dishonours you!"
"Aooowwwww!"
"Eeeeeoooaawwww!"
*spectacular 2 hour fight scene followed by end of movie credits*
James:
"Master Crusty! The evil Dragon Weng Flaky is outside! He demands we give up the secrets of our legendary Pie Style!"
Scott:
"Master Crusty, you would not teach me your Pie Style! Now I will take it like the autum moon takes the bamboo lute from a concubine!"
*Master Crusty strokes foot long moustache*
"Then let us fight with our minds, pie to pie! For truly there is no greater way to honour the Bakery of the Gods!"
*cue stirring music, lots of zooming in to narrowed eyes and snarling faces for the next, oh lets say 45 minutes*
Amber:
Somebody PLEASE get to blogging
Rebecca:
Oh when I eventually get access to my home PC and the internets I will blog to my heart's content
Scott:
*narrows eyes, strokes moustache*
Hold your hand, Autumn Blog Concubine, or I shall unleash a fearsome array of baked goods!
James:
"I laugh at your baked goods!''
*laughs out of synch*
"What you call pastry, I call a soft steamed bun!"
Scott:
"So, you mock the pies of our ancestors?!"
*florid and unnecessarily exaggerated arm waving*
"I should have expected as much from the Duke of P'ie's assassin."
*more moustache stroking*
"Hung Lo, Sofar Wae, show this peasant what a true Pie Master can do!"
Rebecca:
I am not afraid of baked goods, I consume them
Scott:
Then consume the Twelve Fingered Fist of the Winter Pie Crust Dragon!
Waaaaoaoaoaoaah!
The Pie-Eating Samurai... now there's a movie waiting to happen.
And for variation's sake... The Pie Eating Samurai
Scott:
"You have dishonoured my pie!"
"No! Your pie dishonours you!"
"Aooowwwww!"
"Eeeeeoooaawwww!"
*spectacular 2 hour fight scene followed by end of movie credits*
James:
"Master Crusty! The evil Dragon Weng Flaky is outside! He demands we give up the secrets of our legendary Pie Style!"
Scott:
"Master Crusty, you would not teach me your Pie Style! Now I will take it like the autum moon takes the bamboo lute from a concubine!"
*Master Crusty strokes foot long moustache*
"Then let us fight with our minds, pie to pie! For truly there is no greater way to honour the Bakery of the Gods!"
*cue stirring music, lots of zooming in to narrowed eyes and snarling faces for the next, oh lets say 45 minutes*
Amber:
Somebody PLEASE get to blogging
Rebecca:
Oh when I eventually get access to my home PC and the internets I will blog to my heart's content
Scott:
*narrows eyes, strokes moustache*
Hold your hand, Autumn Blog Concubine, or I shall unleash a fearsome array of baked goods!
James:
"I laugh at your baked goods!''
*laughs out of synch*
"What you call pastry, I call a soft steamed bun!"
Scott:
"So, you mock the pies of our ancestors?!"
*florid and unnecessarily exaggerated arm waving*
"I should have expected as much from the Duke of P'ie's assassin."
*more moustache stroking*
"Hung Lo, Sofar Wae, show this peasant what a true Pie Master can do!"
Rebecca:
I am not afraid of baked goods, I consume them
Scott:
Then consume the Twelve Fingered Fist of the Winter Pie Crust Dragon!
Waaaaoaoaoaoaah!
Scott's religion
and lo! the Lord did appear before the Scotterites and didst instruct themin the Ways of the Lord, and so it was that the Scotterites didst turn to one another and sayeth openly "bugger this for a joke, i'm going home."
Scott comments on leagues
Rebecca:
And I have been told repeatedly there is no such thing as "leagues" by a man who then tells me that there are. Some double standard :P :)
Scott:
there are many leagues. there are those people that naturally slot into the equivalent of the top European football leagues, and there are those such as myself who find themselves in the equivalent of the 3rd Grade Khazakhstanian Regional Goat Hurling Championships, sponsored by Kolopsky's Horse Products, if its not made from horse its not worth buying.
And I have been told repeatedly there is no such thing as "leagues" by a man who then tells me that there are. Some double standard :P :)
Scott:
there are many leagues. there are those people that naturally slot into the equivalent of the top European football leagues, and there are those such as myself who find themselves in the equivalent of the 3rd Grade Khazakhstanian Regional Goat Hurling Championships, sponsored by Kolopsky's Horse Products, if its not made from horse its not worth buying.
24 August 2007
Scott wants to go home
Rebecca:
Go home Scott
Scott:
can't. have stuff to do. woe be the stuff. woe be he that does the stuff. woe be the stuffee and the stuffer.
Go home Scott
Scott:
can't. have stuff to do. woe be the stuff. woe be he that does the stuff. woe be the stuffee and the stuffer.
Scott's nature documentary
the predator eyes the herd of quiche beasts hungrily, watching for any stragglers or left-overs that would be too slow or feeble to outrun it. selecting its prey it uses its natural environment of office furniture as cover as it creeps within striking distance. suddenly it pounces and the quiche is caught before it has time to react. there is a brief struggle but the quiche is completely overwhelmed. thus goes life on the wild frontier of the corporate office.
Scott's revolution
let it be known forthwith that all those that have fridays off work and gloat about it shall be the first against the wall come the Revolution, by order of Comrade Scott, leader of the Shining Arse Monkey Brigades.
Scott sees cows
Rebecca:
You're a cow?
Scott:
No, I saw one. An office cow. They're very rare, you know. Scientific name is bureaucratus bovinus
You're a cow?
Scott:
No, I saw one. An office cow. They're very rare, you know. Scientific name is bureaucratus bovinus
Scott defies
Rebecca:
Scott you are banned from speaking
Amber:
'stop saying words.'
Scott:
Bah! I say what I like! Cheese radio grandpa muffin then because banana hat!
Scott you are banned from speaking
Amber:
'stop saying words.'
Scott:
Bah! I say what I like! Cheese radio grandpa muffin then because banana hat!
17 August 2007
Scott feels murderous (again)
Rebecca:
How many times do I has to tell you that I nice?
Scott:
I dunno. Kill [this colleague] in [another office] for me and you'll never have to say it again. Kill her in a very bloody and painful way, preferrably involving gerbils and some sort of suction hose thing equipped with rotating knife blades that plays "Ode to Joy" and I'll give you a billion dollars into the bargain.
How many times do I has to tell you that I nice?
Scott:
I dunno. Kill [this colleague] in [another office] for me and you'll never have to say it again. Kill her in a very bloody and painful way, preferrably involving gerbils and some sort of suction hose thing equipped with rotating knife blades that plays "Ode to Joy" and I'll give you a billion dollars into the bargain.
10 August 2007
Scott takes on fundamentalists
After reading this article
Scott:
I'm gonna buy me a gun and kill me some fundamentalists. Yesirree bob, I love a collection of stuffed fundamentalist heads on my bedroom wall
"And this one I shot whilst hiking across the veldt. It ambushed me from a thick clump of acacia bushes and demanded I repent and denounce my sins. Fortunately I always travel the veldt with my game rifle at hand I was able to bring it down while it was in mid-pounce. It was a close run thing but as you can see it makes a fine trophy. Definitely one of the more magnificent specimens in my collection."
Amber:
I think I'd shoot them, then dump them
Scott:
Scott:
I'm gonna buy me a gun and kill me some fundamentalists. Yesirree bob, I love a collection of stuffed fundamentalist heads on my bedroom wall
"And this one I shot whilst hiking across the veldt. It ambushed me from a thick clump of acacia bushes and demanded I repent and denounce my sins. Fortunately I always travel the veldt with my game rifle at hand I was able to bring it down while it was in mid-pounce. It was a close run thing but as you can see it makes a fine trophy. Definitely one of the more magnificent specimens in my collection."
Amber:
I think I'd shoot them, then dump them
Scott:
Its illegal to dump fundamentalists, they're classified as toxic waste. you don't want them leaching into the soil and contaminating the wildlife. the last thing i need is to be swooped by fundamentalist magpies during breeding season.
Scott doesn't like change or chimney sweeps
Michelle:
why does everyone feel the need to change things? What's wrong with the way things used to be?
Scott:
I demand things go back to the way they used to be. I demand children be sent back down the mines and poor people must be made to clean my boots.
Michelle:
indeed - and don't forget the chimney sweeps
Scott:
now there's a cushy job if ever there was one
Michelle:
true - nice warm working environment, lovely decorative layer of soot, a big brush, and the possibility of a song and dance routine with Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins
Scott:
and weren't there dancing penguins involved at some point?
Michelle:
yes, Dick Van Dyke did dance with penguins in the chalk drawing scene where he and the penguins sang about all the wonderful women they knew but Mary Poppins was the best of the lot
Scott:
Oh, ok, different scene then. I was confused and thought the penguins were involved in the chimney sweeping.
Michelle:
in the chimney sweep scene, he was dancing with fireworks
Scott:
i'm not sure if that's more logical than dancing with penguins
Michelle:
is a Disney movie - logic doesn't come into it
Scott:
in that case why didn't he dance with screaming cannibal pygmy headhunters?
why does everyone feel the need to change things? What's wrong with the way things used to be?
Scott:
I demand things go back to the way they used to be. I demand children be sent back down the mines and poor people must be made to clean my boots.
Michelle:
indeed - and don't forget the chimney sweeps
Scott:
now there's a cushy job if ever there was one
Michelle:
true - nice warm working environment, lovely decorative layer of soot, a big brush, and the possibility of a song and dance routine with Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins
Scott:
and weren't there dancing penguins involved at some point?
Michelle:
yes, Dick Van Dyke did dance with penguins in the chalk drawing scene where he and the penguins sang about all the wonderful women they knew but Mary Poppins was the best of the lot
Scott:
Oh, ok, different scene then. I was confused and thought the penguins were involved in the chimney sweeping.
Michelle:
in the chimney sweep scene, he was dancing with fireworks
Scott:
i'm not sure if that's more logical than dancing with penguins
Michelle:
is a Disney movie - logic doesn't come into it
Scott:
in that case why didn't he dance with screaming cannibal pygmy headhunters?
Scott teaches science
Today's science lesson, brought to you by Connex, providers of Cheap, Reliable and Amiable Public Transport, or C.R.A.P. Transport, is entitled "Yes, It Is Possible to Make a Train Journey of 5 Stations Last More Than 1 Hour", with illustrations by the famous conceptual artist Desperate Passenger.
9 August 2007
Scott is militant
Let us celebrate our new found common cause by shooting some small rodents and invading a small landlocked country with an army of a half-dozen peasants armed with bananas.
Scott on robot angst
"Oh I am not worthy of your digital love!"
"My father never loved my diodes and therefore i have integer relationship issues."
"I was constructed with a 0.001% tolerance and I just don't know if that's enough any more."
"Is there a robot god? Will i go to Boolean Heaven when I do? Will my processor be judged worthy by floating point calculator at the gates of heaven or will I be condemned to be recycled as a web-enabled toaster?"
"My father never loved my diodes and therefore i have integer relationship issues."
"I was constructed with a 0.001% tolerance and I just don't know if that's enough any more."
"Is there a robot god? Will i go to Boolean Heaven when I do? Will my processor be judged worthy by floating point calculator at the gates of heaven or will I be condemned to be recycled as a web-enabled toaster?"
Scott and his pygmies
Scott:
Don't they know that every time someone says that, a screaming cannibal pygmy headhunter dies?
Michelle:
Obviously not - or they deliberately fiddled with the legend in Peter Pan because little girls relate better to fairies than to screaming cannibal pygmy headhunters.
Scott:
I believe in the original, true story: the children were led away by flying screaming cannibal pygmy headhunter to a magical land where children never grow up because that way their meat stays nice and tender.
Don't they know that every time someone says that, a screaming cannibal pygmy headhunter dies?
Michelle:
Obviously not - or they deliberately fiddled with the legend in Peter Pan because little girls relate better to fairies than to screaming cannibal pygmy headhunters.
Scott:
I believe in the original, true story: the children were led away by flying screaming cannibal pygmy headhunter to a magical land where children never grow up because that way their meat stays nice and tender.
7 August 2007
Scott defines
archieved: having achieved archivement, which is like enlightenment but results in the achiever being locked away in a compactus in a subterranean vault with a barcode pasted to his/her forehead.
Scott on web design
Damn web designers.
"Say, you know how or webpage is easy to navigate and well laid out? Well let me tell you, that's old school. Web design has moved on. I propose we make everything much harder to find, we make navigation near impossible, and we embed lots of animations and flashy Java things that'll really slow down page loading."
"But won't that annoy our clients?"
"So? What do they know? This is web design!"
"Say, you know how or webpage is easy to navigate and well laid out? Well let me tell you, that's old school. Web design has moved on. I propose we make everything much harder to find, we make navigation near impossible, and we embed lots of animations and flashy Java things that'll really slow down page loading."
"But won't that annoy our clients?"
"So? What do they know? This is web design!"
1 August 2007
Scott meditates on chocolate
Today I bought some chocolate. I wasn't expecting a mind expanding experience, but was rather suprised to find myself entering a tranquil, calm and zen-like state while eating it that only experienced Buddhist masters on their fifth reincarnation could achieve.
Scott sexes up the classics
Scott:
you could be james' sexy science wench in a labcoat
Rebecca:
or your sexy librarian
Scott:
libraries are very erotic places. there should be more porn filmed in libraries.
Rebecca:
I'm sure that I could find some
Scott:
The Encyclopedia Sexannica
The Collected Works of William Dickspear
The Dewey Seximal System
Rebecca:
I'm disturbed and intrigued by your fantasies Scott
Scott:
So am I
Rebecca:
so, sexy librarians...
Scott:
enacting a pornographic Shakespeare knock-off entitled The Taming of the Screw, or possibly The Merchant of Penis
Rebecca:
And you told me you're normal? Hah!
Scott:
don't tell me you've never seen a production of MacBoff?
Rebecca:
I'm sadly lacking in the porn classics
Scott:
Philistine! I demand you go to your nearest library and request a copy of Titus Vaginacus.
Ok, that one just condemned me to hell.
Rebecca:
and an enternity in blogger heaven :P
you could be james' sexy science wench in a labcoat
Rebecca:
or your sexy librarian
Scott:
libraries are very erotic places. there should be more porn filmed in libraries.
Rebecca:
I'm sure that I could find some
Scott:
The Encyclopedia Sexannica
The Collected Works of William Dickspear
The Dewey Seximal System
Rebecca:
I'm disturbed and intrigued by your fantasies Scott
Scott:
So am I
Rebecca:
so, sexy librarians...
Scott:
enacting a pornographic Shakespeare knock-off entitled The Taming of the Screw, or possibly The Merchant of Penis
Rebecca:
And you told me you're normal? Hah!
Scott:
don't tell me you've never seen a production of MacBoff?
Rebecca:
I'm sadly lacking in the porn classics
Scott:
Philistine! I demand you go to your nearest library and request a copy of Titus Vaginacus.
Ok, that one just condemned me to hell.
Rebecca:
and an enternity in blogger heaven :P
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