Scott writes a ministerial response (with some help)

Scott:
Mmmm ministerials. I am currently attempting to find the right language that allows me to stick the boot into this person but in as polite and diplomatic way as possible, yet still making it absolutely clear that he's not going to get what he wants and that he should stop writing letters to us. So far I've re-written each paragraph 3 or 4 times.

Rebecca:
"please go away you annoying specimin of slime before I find some domestos to dissolve you"

Scott:
Possibly not diplomatic enough.

James:
"I am going to ask you to please fuck off and die, but in order to save my time and yours I would like you to imagine that I made the request in a carefully-worded and entirely diplomatic way which none the less made it prefectly clear that I do indeed want you to fuck off and die."

Scott:
I can imagine the reply to that right now.

"Surely Natural Justice principles entitle me to seek review of your recommendation for me to f--k off and die. I am appalled that legislation allows you to even consider recommending an Australian citizen of 68 years to f--k off and die. If you do not allow me to seek review of your decision at the F--k Off And Die Tribunal I will be forced to go to the media.

Yours Sincerely
Mr Repugnant Monkey Scrotum"

James:
"I know it's a popular technique among bratty two-year-olds to continue asking for what they want until their parents get so frustrated that they give in to the obnoxious toddler's demands. Thankfully, most people grow out of this habit and learn to accept when the thing they are asking for is not possible or practical. You seem to still be in the bratty toddler mindset. Well, you know what? It won't work. Send all the whiny letters you like and you continue to get the same f--king response, though if this continues you may find it being delivered wrapped around a brick."

Scott:
Mind you, it'd be a brick designed by a government bureaucracy, so it probably be a kilometer long, made of tofu and must be delivered by hand by courier with a high security classification.

James:
"Can it be called something other than 'brick'? It's just that there's a popular song of that name that some believe is about abortion, and that's a politically sensitive topic that we would prefer to avoid. Could we perhaps call it a Requisitioned Construction Ceramic?"

Scott:
"And we're under some budgetary pressures, so we've had restrict the colour options to just one. We hired some consultants and they've submitted their final version of the RCC Colour Selection Project, to which senior management have agreed wholeheartedly with its recommendations because consultants know more than you. Therefore the RCC will only be availble in the colour "Beige Bird of Paradise Embarking on a Journey to Conquer the Congo River by Paddleboat". We feel this best reflects the values of the Department."

James:
"There was also some discussion on whether the RCC should be thrown overhand, underhand, or with the use of a mechanised throwing device. As the initial meetings on this topic ended without agreement being reached, the responsibility for deciding upon a throwing method has been delegated to a Throwing Method Special Committee. We are currently canvassing the department to seek committee members and expect that the selection process should be complete in three to four weeks. The TMSC will then seek public comment and meet four times over the course of two months, before a final meeting at which the throwing technique will be officially settled upon."

Scott:
i sit here in front of my Ministerial and wonder how I can make "no, you're not getting what you want ever, not even if you wait a billion years for the sun to explode and the world to be over-run by a race of super-intelligent cockroaches that build a thriving society based on a combination of the Westminster political system, the Dewey Decimal library cataloguing system and the Scottish highland games" more obvious and easier to understand.