[Michelle showed us this article about modernising nursery rhymes. Chaos ensued.]
Michelle:
The Grand Old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
Then he marched them down again
And they got upset by all this pointless marching and the Grand Old Duke was a victim of friendly fire...
James:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Reminded Humpty that he should have paid more attention to the OH&S posters dotted around his workplace.
Michelle:
Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie
And when the pie was opened, the birds began to sing
And the cook was found gassed to death in the kitchen because the oven was Smeg!
James:
Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
But let's try not to think about the fact that this used to be a glacier.
Mary Mary quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And a few other things that got me locked up.
The other day upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish ASIO would f--king well leave me alone!
It's raining, it's pouring,
The old man is snoring.
He bumped his head on the side of the bed,
And thus began a really unconvincing "amnesia" plot in 24.
Hickory dickory dock
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The mouse base-jumped down
And was escorted away by police when he landed.
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder why our SETI programme has so far turned up bugger all.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill was found to have been acting in self-defence and got off with a warning.
Ding dong dell
Pussy's in the well.
Who put him in?
Little Timmy Finn.
Who pulled him out?
Representatives of PETA.
Scott:
Ring-a-ring-a-rosie
a pocket full of poseys
a-tishoo a-tishoo
we all caught SARS on that bloody shopping trip to Hong Kong
Michelle:
twinkle twinkle little star
Now I know just what you are
A piece of rusting rocket case
A rubbish dump, in outer space
James:
Pussycat pussycat where have you been?
I've been to London to visit the queen.
Pussycat pussycat what did you there?
I saw the queen get married to his long-time partner David Furnish.
Michelle:
My mother said
I never should
Play with the gypsies in the wood
If I did
She would say
"I just hope you haven't caught any nasty social diseases from that bunch of ratbags"
James:
Or...
If I did she would say,
"Isn't it wonderful living in such a multicultural melting pot." ...through gritted teeth.
Scott:
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn't keep her.
He put her in a pumpkin shell
which due to the wonders of modern genetic engineering was able to house her and her extended family quite comfortably
Old King Cole was a merry old soul
and a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl
and was promptly arrested for possession and use of crack cocaine
Simple Simon met a pieman
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"All right this a fucking robbery! If any of you fucking pigs move I'll execute every mother fucking last one of you!"
(with apologies to Quentin Tarantino)
James:
An alternative...
Simple Simon met a pieman
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Are these organic?"
Michelle:
Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor
Rich man, poor man, beggar man, lawyer
Scott:
Yankee Doodle came to town
a-ridin' on a pony;
declared himself the king of pimps and had his pony tricked out with a full low-rider setup, spinners and and a pair of 1500 watt subwoofers
James:
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat.
Please put a penny in the old man's hat.
If you haven't got a penny,
A ha'penny will do.
If you haven't got a ha'penny,
Then could you spare a couple of dollars? The Salvo shelter is full tonight and I need to pay for a room or I'll be sleeping on the street, oh and I need to buy a meal and there's a really important phone call, so if you could spare some silver...
Scott:
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
all right all right, i bloody well heard you the first time! if you want it that badly get off the couch and make it yourself!
Michelle:
Round and round the garden
Like a teddy bear
One step, two step
And a painful discovery that bears have big claws and sharp teeth
Incy wincy spider
Climbed up the water spout
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out
Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain
But the spider had drowned and was buried under ten inches of mud
James:
...and incy wincy spider said "Goddammned Melbourne weather!"
Georgie porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
So he consulted Cosmopolitan to improve his kissing technique.
OR
Georgie porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie kissed them too, because he was bi.
Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child must work for a living,
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is far too sensible to believe in any of that astrology bullshit.
Scott:
one two buckle my shoe
three four a knock at the door
five six its those drug squad pricks!
seven eight make a dash for the gate
nine ten the bastards've got Ben!
eleven twelve into the front hedge I delve
thirteen fourteen there's guns a-pointing
fifteen sixteen in my pants a-pissing
seventeen eighteen the paddy wagon's waiting
nineteen twenty my sentence will be plenty
its raining its pouring
the old man is snoring
bumped his head
and he went to bed
and his corpse was found 3 months later by the police after they broke down his front door when the neighbours complained of the strange smell
No comments:
Post a Comment