Scott and friends rewrite the classics

[Michelle showed us this article about modernising nursery rhymes. Chaos ensued.]

Michelle:
The Grand Old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
Then he marched them down again

And they got upset by all this pointless marching and the Grand Old Duke was a victim of friendly fire...

James:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Reminded Humpty that he should have paid more attention to the OH&S posters dotted around his workplace.

Michelle:
Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie
And when the pie was opened, the birds began to sing
And the cook was found gassed to death in the kitchen because the oven was Smeg!

James:
Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
But let's try not to think about the fact that this used to be a glacier.

Mary Mary quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And a few other things that got me locked up.

The other day upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish ASIO would f--king well leave me alone!

It's raining, it's pouring,
The old man is snoring.
He bumped his head on the side of the bed,
And thus began a really unconvincing "amnesia" plot in 24.

Hickory dickory dock
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The mouse base-jumped down
And was escorted away by police when he landed.

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder why our SETI programme has so far turned up bugger all.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill was found to have been acting in self-defence and got off with a warning.

Ding dong dell
Pussy's in the well.
Who put him in?
Little Timmy Finn.
Who pulled him out?
Representatives of PETA.

Scott:
Ring-a-ring-a-rosie
a pocket full of poseys
a-tishoo a-tishoo
we all caught SARS on that bloody shopping trip to Hong Kong

Michelle:
twinkle twinkle little star
Now I know just what you are
A piece of rusting rocket case
A rubbish dump, in outer space

James:
Pussycat pussycat where have you been?
I've been to London to visit the queen.
Pussycat pussycat what did you there?
I saw the queen get married to his long-time partner David Furnish.

Michelle:
My mother said
I never should
Play with the gypsies in the wood
If I did
She would say
"I just hope you haven't caught any nasty social diseases from that bunch of ratbags"

James:
Or...

If I did she would say,
"Isn't it wonderful living in such a multicultural melting pot." ...through gritted teeth.

Scott:
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn't keep her.
He put her in a pumpkin shell
which due to the wonders of modern genetic engineering was able to house her and her extended family quite comfortably

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
and a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl
and was promptly arrested for possession and use of crack cocaine

Simple Simon met a pieman
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"All right this a fucking robbery! If any of you fucking pigs move I'll execute every mother fucking last one of you!"

(with apologies to Quentin Tarantino)

James:
An alternative...

Simple Simon met a pieman
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Are these organic?"

Michelle:
Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor
Rich man, poor man, beggar man, lawyer

Scott:
Yankee Doodle came to town
a-ridin' on a pony;
declared himself the king of pimps and had his pony tricked out with a full low-rider setup, spinners and and a pair of 1500 watt subwoofers

James:
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat.
Please put a penny in the old man's hat.
If you haven't got a penny,
A ha'penny will do.
If you haven't got a ha'penny,
Then could you spare a couple of dollars? The Salvo shelter is full tonight and I need to pay for a room or I'll be sleeping on the street, oh and I need to buy a meal and there's a really important phone call, so if you could spare some silver...

Scott:
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
all right all right, i bloody well heard you the first time! if you want it that badly get off the couch and make it yourself!

Michelle:
Round and round the garden
Like a teddy bear
One step, two step
And a painful discovery that bears have big claws and sharp teeth

Incy wincy spider
Climbed up the water spout
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out
Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain
But the spider had drowned and was buried under ten inches of mud

James:
...and incy wincy spider said "Goddammned Melbourne weather!"

Georgie porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
So he consulted Cosmopolitan to improve his kissing technique.

OR

Georgie porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie kissed them too, because he was bi.

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child must work for a living,
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is far too sensible to believe in any of that astrology bullshit.

Scott:
one two buckle my shoe
three four a knock at the door
five six its those drug squad pricks!
seven eight make a dash for the gate
nine ten the bastards've got Ben!
eleven twelve into the front hedge I delve
thirteen fourteen there's guns a-pointing
fifteen sixteen in my pants a-pissing
seventeen eighteen the paddy wagon's waiting
nineteen twenty my sentence will be plenty

its raining its pouring
the old man is snoring
bumped his head
and he went to bed
and his corpse was found 3 months later by the police after they broke down his front door when the neighbours complained of the strange smell

Scott misreads

Scott:
BoM have issued a Flood Watch for South Australia, which includes Cuddle Creek. I find this very amusing.

"Cuddle Creak has burst its banks! We're drowning in hugs!"

James:
The only people ever to have lost a house to tough love...

Scott:
On re-reading it, its actually Cudlee Creek. This has failed to dampen my amusement.

James:
Cudlee Creek, the world's only naturally occurring river of fabirc softener.

Scott:
Poor cattle. They'll get trapped in the floodwaters and be turned into a cuddly soft and floppy heap.

Scott discusses working with God

Michelle:
I'd settle for EA to God

Amber:
"No, I'm sorry, you can't talk to him today.... No, not next week, either... Look - he's working offsite at the moment and he's quite hard to pin down... No, I don't know when he'll be back... yes, fine, I'll take a message."

*drowns in post-its*

Michelle:
I'm sorry, he's in an urgent meeting with the archangels - something about smiting the infidels...

James:
"I'm sorry, but his schedule is very hard to track - he moves in mysterious ways."

Scott:

God's working offsite? I guess that explains why he hasn't answered my prayers yet.

"Goodmorning, this is the office of Yahweh, the Creator of All Things, He That is Called 'I Am', Father of the Son of God, how may I help you? No, I'm sorry, he's not in the office today. I'm afraid we don't have a time frame for when he'll be back in the office. No. Sorry. Can I take a message? Hang on, let me find a pen that works......ok, and your message is?.........'Dear Lord, why will you not help us stop the invading barbarian hordes?'....ok, got it, I'll be sure to pass it on to him once he's in the office. You're welcome. Thank you. And I hope you have a lovely day. You too. Try not get in the way of those barbarian hordes. Ok. Bye bye now!......... Good morning, this is the office of Yahweh, the Creator of All Things, He That is Called 'I Am', Father of the Son of God, how may I help you....?"

Scott on crabs

Michelle:
Looks like you're first cab off the rank today - I just want to go home and lie in front of the heater

Scott:
And I read that as "looks like you're the first crab off the rank" and for a moment had images of a bunch of crabs in bowler hats and work suits waiting at a taxi rank for a taxi to work.

Scott revels in other's envy

Every male is jealous of me. I am the alpha of alpha males. I am the studly stud of Studley Park. Women tingle with excitement as I pass them on the street while man cower before my enormous balls of steel.

Scott on moving to greener pastures

Scott:
Oh, and you're doing the right thing. Time to move on to greener pastures. No wait, that's for cows. Time to move on to a more conducive work environment. That's better.

Amber:
A greener work environment!

A more conducive pasture!

Scott:
Working for a boss who's a REAL cow!

"As you can see I've re-written the greener pastures safety manual and prepared a powerpoint presentation for all new cows explaining the finer details of the cud-chewing and milking process respectively. So what do you think?"
"Moo."

Scott talks religion

Rebecca:
change the topic?

Scott:
i vote for Paths to Spiritual Enlightenment as shown by the Holy Order of the Gerbil Balancing Monks of Malta.

Rebecca:
so tell me more

Scott:
I don't know much about them, though from what I've heard it involves piling gerbils on top of each other in intricate formations, kinda like a 3 dimensional mandala of rodents. The Maltese nicknamed them the Hamster Stackers.

Scott and D&D

Scott:
*rolls eyes*

Rebecca:
congratulations, you rolled 13 on a d20

Scott:
did i make my saving throw?

Rebecca:
just. So, you're poisoned, but not going to die from it

Scott:
yay not dead! can i open the chest now?

Rebecca:
well yes, but the chest seems to have turned into a wheel of cheese. In fact, the whole room is pulsating in a sickly green colour. This may pass. Do you wish to wait a bit?

Scott:
mmm cheese!

Rebecca:
I thought you'd like it

Scott:
you need to write a cheese themed D&D campaign

Rebecca:
I have SO many D&D campaigns I should write

Scott:
The Quest for the Cheese Wheel of Unmentionable Yet Non-Specific Doom.

Scott tries politics

Scott:
I'm standing for election as the Liberal member for Arse Monkey.

Rebecca:
I want to live in that electorate

Our electorates need more exciting names

Scott:
you can be in the electorate of Grope And Goat.

Scott tries valiantly

Amber:
I'm reading the state police website... and I could have sworn that one of the options available after completing four years of general police duties was 'an application to the Arson Squid'.

Scott:
Arson Squid, the cephalapod superhero. If you need something set on fire in a hurry, Arson Squid's your man.....squid....thing. But he can only operate underwater.

"Look, a giant meteorite is heading straight for us!"
"Don't worry, Arson Squid will save the day!"
*cue stirring theme music, Arson Squid jetting through the ocean with a box of matches in its tentacles*
"Yay! Its Arson Squid! Save us Arson Squid!"
*Arson Squid strikes a match to no effect. He's underwater after all. He keeps striking matches, oblivious to the inherent problems with his situation*
"Uh.....Arson Squid doesn't seem that useful...."
*planet is obliterated by meteor. the end*

Scott never had a chance, genetically speaking

It's a little known fact that that an ancient ancestor of mine, named Scott the Unlikely, was the fourth wise man present at the birth of Christ. He was omitted from the Christian bibles at an early stage, though certain ancient Jewish texts refer to him as the Bearer of Unnecessary Gifts.

Scott is an anthropologist. Of sorts.

Scott:
*ponders the deaper meaning of chocolate*

Lee:
I read that as 'dapper meaning'.
It brought to mind a Mars Bar in a three piece suit and pinstriped trilby.

Rebecca:
Awwww that's so cute

Scott:
"I say, why not have a bite of me? We Mars Bars are far more civilised than those nasty little Flakes."
"Oi! What you on about you manky stuck up toff? She'll have some of me because i don't run around with me nose in the air like some ooo-la-la posh dandy!"
"Now listen here Flake, you watch your manners or it'll be the Queensbury's rules for you!"
"Oooooo! What you gonna do, Mars boy? Come after me with your dandy little Fantale friends?"
"Right, that's enough you rotter, you gutter chocolate! Take that!"
And thus began the bitter chocolate class struggle.

Scott likes stories

Scott:
None of my stories are interesting, you should know that by now. I am currently the world Boring Monologue champion

Rebecca:
that isn't true... we have a blog of your interesting stories

Scott:
Have I ever told you about the time I catalogued the variations in colourin the threads that make up the carpet?

Rebecca:
no, please do

Scott:
I was wearing a brown cardigan at the time. Or it might have been green. No, it was definitely brown. I got it from the Wensleydale markets for tuppence h'apenny, which was a lot of money at the time. You young people don't the value of money these days. Or the value of a good cardigan. A good cardigan can see a man through a lot of strife. Cardigans these days don't even deserve the term. Why I bet most of you young people wouldn't even know what a cardigan was anymore! And the browns you get these days, there's no brown in 'em at all!

Rebecca:
and then what happened?

Scott:
Enough of your rushing, you kids are always wanting everything now, well let me tell you, you'll get what you're given and you'll be damn well happy to get it. And choices! Don't get me started on choices! We never had choice when i was kid, it was just a clip over the ear at Christmas and a brown cardigan for church. None of these fancy pantsy colours you see girls wearing these days. What sort of colour is lilac anyway? Lilac's not a colour, its something that should be growing in your garden. Lilac cardigans. Who ever heard of such things? It should be brown all the way, brown from sun up to sun down. Lilac. Damn kids. And how come nobody wears dungarees anymore?

Scott tries lol cat

Rebecca:
I'm in your foyer, breathing your air

Scott:
I'm in your lift, going down on your floors

Scott on being watched by Big Brother

soon to be seen on Google maps: images of me smuggling cheese wheels and goats across the state border under my trenchcoat

Scott and James snort together, with help from Michelle

Michelle:
no fair making me snort with no warning - there should be laws against that...

James:
I vote for a smiling girl in a bikini walking ahead of Scott holding a big sign that reads "Snort warning!"

Michelle:
in this weather she'd freeze her bits off - at least make the bikini fur lined

James:
Sort of Xena-ish...

"Snort warning! Aaa-eeeelilililililili!" *smack!*

Scott:
If I'm following a smiling girl in a bikini then she might also want to have a sign that reads "Copious drool warning!"

If this keeps up we're going to rapidly use up the world's supply of bikini clad women.

James:
This must be avoided at all cost, mainly because we will then have to use bikini-clad men.

Michelle:
stop it - what little reputation I had left among my colleagues for being a professional is being shredded at warp speed...

James:
Mr Scott! Full ahead, snort factor 9!

Scott:
But Cap'n, she cannae take no more!

James:
Ye cannae snort the laws of physics!

Scott:
Its worse than that, its snort, Jim!

James:
Captain's log, snort-date 6473.5...

Scott:
Snort me up, Scotty.

Michelle:
Snorting frequencies open, Captain...

Scott:
Your response is illsnortable, Captain.

Michelle:
It's snort, Jim, but not as we know it...

James:
Snort.

The final frontier.

These are the voyages of the snortship Enterprise.

Its five-year mission: to explore strange new snorts, to snort out new life and new civilisations, to boldly snort where no man has snorted before.

[cue theme tune: snort snoooooort snort snort-snort-snort snooooort]

Scott's musical knowledge leaves much to be desired

dammit, you've summoned the evil spirits of Guns 'n' Roses into my head. "Welcome to the Jungle" has taken up residency in my brain and is doing horrible things to the furnishings.

Scott eats grapes

how can such a small grape contain so many seeds? I think I have discovered the fruit equivalent of the Tardis.

Scott makes spreadsheets

Scott:
i think i'm suffering from spreadsheet madness. i've just taken what was a 1 worksheet spreadsheet and turned it into a 5 worksheet monstrosity with enough formulas to put a small laundrette in a complicated orbit around jupiter and each of its 20-odd moons. on the upside, it allows me to provide management repots on practically any kind of stat, up to and including the number of dwarf desk elephants used as paperweights in the office. on the downside, i think i've managed to invert my brain. ow.

James:
I love making insanely huge, insanely complex spreadsheets. My favourite bit is colour coding them with conditional formatting. "...and see, when it goes below 40%, it turns orange!!!"

Scott:
my spreadsheet has that too. different conditional formatting colours for each type of investigation outcome. wow! plus, count 'em, 6 pie charts! 2 line graphs! and more statistical breakdowns than a whole fleet of Ladas!

James:
...and steak knives!

Scott:
...and for a limited time you can receive our free instructional steak knife video entitled "The Sharp End is NOT the Handle"!!!

Scott is a multilingual Doctor Doolittle

the french dolphin says "le squeak". the german dolphin says "das squeak." the swedish dolphin says "bork bork bork".

Scott doesn't like Melbourne's trains...

one of these days i want to hear the connex announcement so speak the truth, so instead of "connex apologies for the incovenience" it should be "connex mocks your pathetic attempts to go home and moons your elderly grandmother"

Scott finds something funny

and i laughed so hard i thought internal scott bits were going to break.

Scott critiques inferior weirdness

indeed. there's far too much slipshod weirdness around these days. too many people think all they have to do to be weird is to stick a label to their forehead and prance around like a loon. that's not true weirdness. weirdness takes many years to develop and is much an art as a skill. you can't force weirdness, weirdness must come to you in a moment of inspired inspiration.

Scott and arses

I am the random arse inserter

Scott the goat geek

I don't believe I ever claimed to be a science geek either. I am a goat geek.

Scott tries cursing

Amber:
curse these people!

Scott:
a pox on your house! may your cows moo backwards and your sheep seek toupees!

Scott is a chocolate deity

Scott:
I should go see my doctor but wait, I'm never sick! Muahahahahaa! I have the immune system of a god! All shall bow before me in worship!

Michelle:
here we go again...

Scott:
what, you make it sound like my demands for worship happen on a daily basis.

Michelle:
well, they do - not that we mind worshipping you, but surely you would prefer spontaneous worship rather than worship on demand.

Scott:
worship on demand is necessary. how can one know that one is a god if there is no worship on demand?

Michelle:
one knows one is a god if one is spontaneously worshipped - if one demands worship, then one risks turning into Caligula

Scott:
meh, power hungry lunatics have their attraction as well.

Michelle:
thank god (oops, thank Scott) you don't have a sister - though I suppose that means we will have the enlightening experience of seeing you declare war on Bass Strait...

Scott:
it mocks me. it deliberately keeps me from the Cadbury factory in Tasmania.

Rebecca:
it keeps you from turning into chocolate boy

Scott:
Chocolate Boy, the tasty-licious superhero.
"Don't worry ma'am, I'll save you! Wait...what are you doing?? Argh!! My leg!! Oh dear god, you're eating my leg!!"

Scott improves on Billy Joel

You may be right, but you're not normal, and I think I've found the goat that you've been looking for...

Scott feels exploited

I am not a blog topic, I am a human being!

Scott sends a letter

Dear Mr X

Thank you for your letter to the Minister dated 12 April 2007. Please understand that regardless of your point of view and the issues you have raised, you still suck. The Minister feels that due to your complete and overwhelming suckage he will no longer respond to any of your correspondence, and will instead laugh at any future correspondence you may send and will phone you just so he can make rude monkey sounds at you.

Your sincerely,
Abundant Suckage
Department of Rude Monkey Sounds

Scott and the King of Wrong

The King of Wrong wears a crown of goats and sits upon a throne made of dried mollusc mucous. The King of Wrong does not receive many visitors.

Scott snorts

Rebecca:
Blog it.

Scott:
Blog it. Sounds like the old Salt 'n' Pepper track....

Amber:
I blogged it real good.

Scott:
curse you for making me snort.

Rebecca:
Yay snortage

Scott:
Mmmm snortage. Its stocks are trading quite well on the commodity market at the moment. . . . i wonder what happens when snortage stocks crash?

James:
People in the area of effect need to wear gumboots for a while.

Scott:
*snort*
Snortage stocks rose 5% in late trading today on the back of some wild and outlandish statements by the King of Wrong

Scott is a menace to society

Amber:
Scott, stop sending me things that get quarantined.

Scott:
haven't you heard? i'm diseased. it's contagious. anyone that comes in contact with my emails will become infected. symptoms include spontaneous word failure and a tendency to fixate on goats and cheese

Scott has a sensitive nose

Oh god, the perfume wearer's at her desk again. Here comes the
headache....

its like she's been dipped bodily in a vat of stink.

I'd use an elephant gun but her shield of stink is impervious to bullets.

Scott is open-minded

I really need to try some fish action.

Scott is ambivalent about cheese

I am a master of naming cheeses.

Mind you, I'm also reluctant to put anything called Spoffing Arthwarton in my mouth...

Scott names a cheese

[In response to Cheddarvision.tv's request to name their cheese...]

and I christen thee.....
...Abundant Weasleton. A fine name for a cheese.

or it could be Curious Barnabus...
or Spoffing Arthwarton...

personally i like the taste of a nice Bluffing Funtworthy.
or a good Peculiar Gruntleton.

Oh, and yes, I am submitting these names to the website.
...including Mr Brown's Spontaneous Trumpleton, and Ecclesiastic Funk

Grumpert Boodlington!
Grommit's Lesser Cheese of Paradise!
Salacious Tweedleton!

Ok, I'm done now.

Scott considers his worshippers

Mmm cargo cults. They're building a big statue of me out of banana tree leaves.

Scott uncovers a conspiracy

In response to this news story...

Scott:
"You know, we were lucky this time, things could have been much worse."
"Sir, I'm not sure I follow.....it was just a cow."
"Yes, that was most people think, but I know the truth, I've seen what they're capable of doing."
"What, you mean like eating grass and going 'moo'?"
"Mark my words, Constable, this is just the start. The others will be moving soon."
"Others?"
"The other cows in the sleeper cell."
"Uh...."
"We've been infiltrated by Al Qaeda terrorist cows, Constable. There's no knowing where or when they'll strike next."
"Sir, I really think you should have a nice lie down."
"Lie down when there's terrorist cows on the loose? Are you mad?? When this cow comes round I want you to take into custody for questioning."
"It'll only say 'moo' sir."
"Oh it'll talk eventually. They all break in the end. If you're lucky, Constable, you could be the man that stops this country from becoming victim to yet another terrorist cow plot."
"Uh......great...."

Scott busts some variations on a theme

Michelle:
Scott is probably plotting new eenie meenies as we speak

Amber:
Unsurprising...

Scott:
eenie meenie minie stab
stab stab stab stab stab stab stab
stab stab stab stab stab stab
eenie meenie minie stab

Scott and friends bust some rhymes

(Bear with us on this one - the set-up is required!)

Amber:
Machines suck.

Rebecca:
Machines may suck... depending on the use for which they were produced

Michelle:
computers are not vacuum cleaners

Rebecca:
Exactly... but they do have vents to draw in air to cool the CPU... so they suck a bit

Scott:
but they also have vents to expel warm air, so they both suck and blow.

Amber:
eenie meenie minie mo

James:
Catch a PC by the toe.
Does it suck or does it blow?
Eenie meenie minie mo.

Amber:
I think I'd be more concerned by the presence of feet than any reaction caused by the grabbing thereof

James:
Oh... how about:
Eeenie meenie minie mongle
Catch a PC by the dongle...

Scott:
eenie meenie minie mod
watch my PC die by BSOD
if it boots give thanks to god
eeenie meenie minie mod

Michelle:
eenie meenie minie may
I hope my PC works today
or else I'll boot it far away
eenie meenie minie may

Amber:
It's a toss-up as to which I like best...

Rebecca:
Blog them both!

Scott:
eenie meenie minie moat
an evil blog stores what I wrote
may its owner die by goat
eenie meenie minie moat

Michelle:
eenie meenie minie may
Scott's blog gets better day by day
we hope it never goes away
eenie meenie minie may

Scott likes having fans

It is official, I am a god. I may be only a small god worshipped by a few residents of an island that probably still suffers radioactive fallout from nuclear testing, but I am still a god. Mmmm cargo cults.

Scott is a free spirit

if i had no financial issues i would happily wander around all day with my pants around my ankles.

Scott has amazing pants

Scott:
when i put them on the whole lower half of my body is blanked out, like the fuzzy pixellation you get on TV news reports when they can't show you someone's face

Michelle:
so if we all squint intensely at your legs, the picture should resolve like one of those magic eye pictures

Scott:
indeed. stare long enough and you can see a duck playing a harmonica.

Scott is mighty

Rebecca:
You shall be my idol

Scott:
and a fine one you have selected. indeed, the greatest

Rebecca:
yay greatness!

Scott:
a mighty gold colossus

Rebecca:
oooh nice

Scott:
giant gold plated genitals swinging in the breeze so that all those pedestrians might gaze up as they pass between my golden calfs and gasp in awe.

i am a mighty colossus, a golden idol a thousand foot high

Scott is disturbing

the last one made me squeal like a pleasure piggy

Scott is masculine

i have you know i fight like a man........a girly man

Scott provides outstanding customer service

James wrote:

Unbe-f--king-lievable.

*ring ring*
James: Good morning, [company name], James speaking.
Salesperson: Hello, may I speak to the person in charge of your computer system please?
J: Uh, sorry, what is this in regard to?
S: This is in regard to your printing services.
J: Oh, is this a sales call?
S: I'm just calling to give some information and a quote.
J: Has anybody here actually called you to request a quote?
S: No.
J: So this is an unsolicited sales call?
S: Um...
J: Thank you but we are quite happy with our current computer arrangements. Good bye.
*click*

*ring ring*
J: Good morning, [company name], James speaking.
S: Hello, may I speak to the person in charge of your computer system please?
J: Uh... you just called me. I hung up on you.
S: Well... that's not polite. You shouldn't do that.
J: I actually was quite polite with you.
S: We're human beings too, you know.
J: Uh... okay. Well, goodbye.
*click*
Utterly insane.


Scott responded:

You will accept our printing services, there is nothing you can say stop it. Our armed printing technicians will storm your office force our printing services on you at gunpoint. There is no defence. You will be overjoyed at out low rates or we will shoot you.

Scott's rocket crocket

Michelle:
among my many talents is a 12 handicap in tournament level croquet...I can roquet and croquet with the best of them

Scott:
i deliberately read that as "rocket and crocket", which to me sounds like a hollywood police action series. you know, "tune in for next exciting adventures of LA's finest cops, Rocket and Crocket, as they fight to clear the name of X while stopping a shipment of Y and bringing down the Z cartel, all while using as guns and cliches as possible. And lets not forget the explosions, preferrably on speedboats with lots of women in bikinis!"

Scott discusses anti-viral software

James:
Wait a minute... a Microsoft product that completely fails to work as advertised and ends up causing far more damage and/or inconvenience than it ever came even close to preventing?

Surely that's unprecedented!

Scott:
what do you mean damage? its protecting the users by deleting the infected emails! it works perfectly! it deletes all the other emails as well because they may have become infected by association. these viruses are tricky things. microsoft knows better than us. let go of your consciousness and give in to the will of microsoft, you know you want to

Scott answers possible minister's question

I tried it once, it resulted in me having to write a PMQ on the whole thing.

Issue
Are ministerial requests annoying? Do they take up valuable time that could be better spent doing actual work?

Talking Points

• Ministerial requests occur for even the tiniest, most annoying of reasons. In some cases there appear to be no identifiable reasons at all for the ministerial request to exist.
  

• The irrelevance of ministerial requests places some question marks over the sanity of the minister and the various members of parliament.
  

[If asked about annoyance rating of ministerial requests]
Ministerial requests are clearly a waste of the department's time to follow up, are usually triggered when someone panics upon reading a poorly researched story in the press, and clearly indicate that I, the minister, am not of sound mind.

Scott creates new acronyms

From now on DVD shall stand for Delinquently Vertical Dinosaur.

Purely because it like the idea of being delinquently vertical, even though I'm no 100% sure what it means.

Scott has a dream

At one point i dreamt of a TV game/talent show hosted by Daryl Somers. he was talking to these three contestants that had just finished their act, 2 guys and a girl, all in costume, but for some reason the girl's costume was a huge cube, brightly coloured but still a cube, and all you could see of her were her legs sticking out the bottom. Darryl was commenting on her costume and then made a bad joke why this girl decided to dress up as a sunni muslim (because, you know, they were cubes...). He then ran into the audience and apologised to a woman wearing a headscarf if he offended her. That's all i can remember.

Scott talks of trades

Australian tradesmen are sensitive, new age guys. The whole arse crack display stuff is just a protective shell to keep the world from knowing the true tradesman inside, the one that hugs trees, goes to moon worship festivals, and plays the recorder to summon the mother goddess to help him unclog your toilet.

Scott makes spam

Rebecca:
lets make our emails more spam like

Scott:
Ok.

Amazing news!!! Herbal nose enlargement pills!!!

Do you feel ashamed at the size of your nose?? Are you unable to satisfy your partner because of the size of your nose?? Amazing new genetic engineered breakthrough now gives you all-natural herbal nose-enhancement pills!!!!! Now your nose can stay larger for longer!!! Just click on this link -> http://www.scamyoumuch.com/muahaha and send all your bank and credit card details!! Herbal nose enhancement pills will be sent to you by safe and fast courier service!! Get your all natural genetically engineered nose enhancement pills now and no longer feel ashamed about the size of your nose!!!

Scott doesn't love his colleagues

My unit .. consists of [two men] who are decidedly not cool. Given the choice of hugging those two and smearing moss over my body before tapdancing over rusty nails on a live army firing range, the latter wins hands down.

Scott love

Rebecca:
self love is as important as love from others :P

Scott:
i love myself which is why i strip for myself on special nights.

Scott is happy

i a bunny of delightedness

Scott discusses politics

Rebecca:
Why is the US looking at bombing Iran?

Scott:
Combination of the neo-con policy of removing potential challengers to US global supremacy, poor intelligence gathering, a sincere belief on the part of some agency officials that they could actually win a war with Iran and as a distraction from US internal politics.

Nothing at all whatsoever to do with stuffing weasels down the ayatollah's pants.

. . .

Mostly not the weasels because the CIA can't pinpoint the location of the Iranian president with the degree of accuracy required to launch an intercontinental ballistic weasel at him. The US fears the media fallout that would occur if their ICBWs landed amongst the civilian population.

Scott is weird (still)

Scott:
*roflwswdhp*

Amber:
Scott - stop being weird

Scott:
what's weird about "rolls on floor laughing while stuffing weasels down his pants"?

Scott revisits goats

Amber:
But a question for Scott... what, exactly, would be the difference between 'goat' and 'superlatively goat'?

Scott:
I guess that would just be an iconic goat, a goat of such supreme goatness that it embodies the very idea of what a goat is. it'd be like a greek god of goats.

Scott talks of suckage

Amber:
Guess who's on reception ALL DAY today and can't get away from the desk to buy breakfast (or coffee)? I love my life. I really do

Rebecca:
that does indeed suck

James:
Brimming over with the suck. Indeed, the suck is pooling around the base of it.

Scott:
"can i have someone with a mop and bucket to aisle 6 please, suck spillage needs mopping"

Scott and the French waiter shark - Part II

'The French Waiter Shark vs. The Beanikin': now there's a straight-to-DVD movie if ever there was one

Scott gets into the Easter confectionery a little too soon

Amber:
You're full of crap.

Scott:
I'm full of egg.

Scott likes Lance Henriksen

I just love his voice - it's like listening to gravel

Scott and the French waiter shark - Part I

My French waiter shark can take on your Wham! any day

Scott finds pleasure in the small things

My pants are all warm

Scott is a child of the technological age

I was going to fire up the computer and check it out... but do you mind if I use your bedroom window to see what the weather looks like?

Scott is tired

Your brain-deadedness is affecting me this morning.
Afternoon.
Whatever.
SHUT UP.

Scott resents a bad joke

You know I'm going to have to drown you in that bowl now

Scott is fascinated by a nose

Look at it. It just.... glows with hugeness

Scott is not a fan of piggybanks from Ikea

If those things were in my bathroom... I'd never get undressed again

Scott and astrology

because the moon was in the house of gingerbread and thus the stars had aligned in my favour.

Scott finds out this blog has been listed on StumbleUpon

i hate you. i have moved beyond hating you with sporks or goats. i don't know what rating of hate i've reached right now, but its probably up somewhere around hating you with roller-skate wearing rocket-propelled uber-goats in mickey mouse hats.

Scott creates extruded fantasy product

James:
[fantasy name 1], a young [peasant occupation] in the kingdom of [fantasy place name 1], has his world turned upside down when he discovers that he is the heir of [fantasy name 2], a legendary [heroic occupation]. This awakens incredible [powers / skills / magic] in him, which is immediately put to the test, as [fantasy name 2]'s ancient enemy [fantasy bad guy name] and his army of [fantasy monsters] converge on [fantasy place name 1] to destroy the heir and steal the throne. Can [fantasy name 1] survive a perilous journey to [fantasy place name 2] in order to find the [powerful item] that will save both him and his kingdom?

Scott:
Plastos the Barge, a young meatsmith in the kingdom of Scumdar, has his world turned upside down when he discovers that he is the heir of Ivan the Crapulent, a legendary wig warrior. This awakens incredible hair summoning powers in him, which is immediately put to the test, as Ivan's ancient enemy Inflatable Lord Bruce and his army of rabbit-dragons converge on Castle Scumdar to destroy the heir and steal the throne. Can Plastos the Barge survive a perilous journey to the Lost City of Bugger-em in order to find the golden wig of the screaming pygmy god that will save both him and his kingdom?

Scott invents meaning

Amber:
my boss has failed to notice that the word 'country' has an 'o' in it. this is unfortunate.

Also, apparently I'm 'doing grat work' on the China files.

I'm not sure what that is exactly, but it doesn't sound comfortable

Scott:
Grat is the basement filing goblin they employ and she's telling you that you're doing all his work. If you're not careful he'll get upset and come after you with his Club of Unavoidable Paperwork

Scott and foxes

Scott:
I was speaking, of course, of the Mongolian Desert Pouting Fox.

James:
"Awww, the rabbit got away..." *pout*

Scott:
indeed. also known for its hunting technique of attaching its lips to its prey and attempting to suck its face off

Scott likes reasons

Rebecca:
how does you know?

Scott:
because

Rebecca:
that's one of them non-reasons

Scott:
its a fine reason. see how it shines. see how it shows off its fantastic plumage to the female reasons.

Scott claims normality

Rebecca:
Do you think that Scott is normal?

James:
Urm.
No.
But normal is boring.

Rebecca:
he thinks he's normal

James:
*laugh*
No.

Rebecca:
well he does think it, and he keeps stating so

James:
Yes, just like all the delusional schizophrenics who are assured of their perfect sanity.

Rebecca:
I'll tell him that shall I?

James:
Sure. :)

Scott:
Pfft, James is hardly an expert on normality. I mock his judgements, laugh at his thought processes and debase his bonsais.

Scott and sporks

Scott:
I'll kill you with sporks!

Rebecca:
Do I get to keep the sporks that are impaled in me?

Scott:
Yes

Rebecca:
In that case, I'd like 6

Scott:
I was thinking hundreds. I'll turn you into a sporkupine!

Scott hates Rebecca

I hate you with sporks.

Scott thinks that "blogworthy" is a funny word

blogworthy...... I dunno, that word always conjures images of bogan redneck males talking about women.... you know, the whole, "phwooor, check out the (insert various female body parts) on that! now that's what i call blogworthy"

or maybe its just me.

Scott discusses bandits

In news just to hand, the ratanaphong bandit has struck again. Locals expressed suprise an alarm when discovering their missing ratanaphongs had been stolen and are asking why anyone would want to steal them in the first place. Unfortunately noone was able to give a good description of the missing ratanaphongs other than vague mutterings of "well, it was kinda.... this big.... and had, you know, those things on top.... the twirly things.... um.... oh, and it was blue.... or maybe green.... definitely a colour". Police have expressed little chance of catching said bandit.

Scott takes a stand

James:
Bec says "I'm cute - do stuff for me" and it works.

Scott:
well i for one rebel! i have been oppressed for far too long!

Rebecca:
sure you do... in your dreams

Scott:
down with totalatarist cutism!

Rebecca:
I get what I want, why is this a problem?

Scott:
the masses demand their voices be heard! the masses will not be used for cheap cutist gratification anymore!

Rebecca:
like hell... now go and do stuff for me

Scott:
never! we withdraw our services!

Rebecca:
Are you speaking for everyone?

Scott:
indeed

Scott spouts food propaganda

Rebecca:
Yay for food!

Scott:
it wins again!

Rebecca:
thank goodness for that

Scott:
another stirring victory for food in the never ending war against hungriness

Rebecca:
who will know when the next battle will take place?

Scott:
who can say, but one thing is for certain; food will be ready to take up the cause and fight the good fight once more

Scott talks about the Bicentennial Fireworks

Group hugs in the hot dog van line

Scott is popular

Rebecca:
You're both really weird... and all that weirdness can't be blogged :(

James:
I don't get a blog. I'm just as weird as Scott, but not as marketable.

Scott:
Victory is mine!

I'm now sold in 135 countries and have been banned in a further 20 as a significant mental health hazard, and in one case as a sin against God.

Scott needs help

I'd rather have a beard than sex

Scott revisits cheese

Rebecca:
"power word cheese"

Scott:
hold cheese

Rebecca:
you're a funny man

Scott:
i don't have enough levels to wield a vorpal cheese yet

Rebecca:
oh, that's very tragic

Scott:
yes indeed. and you don't ever wan't me casting 'resurrect cheese'

Rebecca:
ew

Scott:
yes, very

Rebecca:
blue vein cheese with extra ew

Scott:
*pictures cheese scientists*
damn it Johnson, we need more ew! this batch will be a complete failure unless you get me more ew!

Scott has language

Scott:
bah. i feel bad about saying this, but not only does this colleague (who is working here temporarily while someone is on maternity leave) have a classical witch's hooked nose, but she wears WAY too much makeup and perfume. The smell makes me ill when she walks past.

Rebecca:
tell her you are scent sensitive and find the amount of perfume she wears makes you feel ill

Scott:
I wonder if there's anyway i can get her to say "i'll get you my pretty and your little dog too"?

mmmm....i think i'm going to hell for that thought. i take it back.

Rebecca:
well there is... write it down on a post-it-note and stick it on her desk. She'll probably read it out loud before looking around the room for who wrote it... and perhaps not even understanding where its from. Make sure you disguise your handwriting though

Scott:
no, i refuse. even if she has the honker of a witch and wear's enough makeup to safely protect the underside of the shuttle during re-entry that doesn't make her a bad person

Scott:
and in the meantime i shall learn how to us apostrophes.

Rebecca:

an excellent idea

Scott:
and also how to type.

Rebecca:
you're asking a bit much aren't you?

Scott:
clearyl

Rebecca:
let's start small

Scott:
mmm cheese

Rebecca:
well I was thinking apostrophes

Scott:
but i can't eat apostrophes, or have melted ones on toast

Rebecca:
did we say you could?

Scott's latest comment on this blog

may that blog make all those that read it suffer a painful death by a

million screaming knife wielding pygmies.

Scott has nooks and crannies

Rebecca:
*laugh* Yay for nooks and crannies
What crannies do men have anyway?

Scott:
oh, the usual ones.

Rebecca:
be more specific

Scott:
you demand cranny specificity?

Rebecca:
I demand a map or at least a good description

Scott:
no, my crannies shall remain mysterious.

Rebecca:
why?

Scott:
because there be dragons

Rebecca:
you can fit dragons into your crannies? Now I am intrigued

Scott:
i have amazing crannies

Rebecca:
evidently

Scott:
Lonely Planet wrote a guide book about them

Rebecca:
What did they call this book?

Scott:
the Rough Guide to Scott's Intriguing Crannies.

Rebecca:
and where would I buy a copy?

Scott:
Any bad book shop should have one.

Rebecca:
so you won't tell me about your crannies, but everyone else knows?

Scott:
ah the mysteries of life.

Scott is sane

I am cheese weasel! I wear a crownly wheel of cheese! Virgins shall be sacrificed in my giant fondu!

Scott loves training

God forgive me but this presenter looks so like a hot air balloon. I keep expecting him to float up to the ceiling.

Scott is random

Insert tab A into slot B and shake vigorously

Scott does not enjoy his training course

If the rest of the course goes as slowly as this morning I will either explode or mutate into a giant enraged radioactive beaver and destroy Tokyo

Scott the mad scientist

Its alive! *cackles* Take that society of mad scientists, you who told me the monster would never rise from its bed! You have all been proved to be the hacks you always were! Now cower as I unleash the beast upon you all!

Scott has a day off

Scott:
i don't have to work this friday. yay me! *does happy lazy friday dance*

Michelle:
*throws large heavy object at Scott*

Scott:
*scott's dancing produces unpredictable and random gyrations, thus making targetting impossible. its almost as if he breaks the laws of physics.*

Michelle:
*sets Scotty onto Scott to stop him breaking the laws of physics*

James:
-2 to hit, -4 to AC

Scott might have a pope hat

Scott:
because i shy, my pope hats are not for publicness

Rebecca:
I wasn't asking if you were going to wear it publically

Scott:
hmmm, i read that as pubically first

Rebecca:
and you say *I* have a one track mind.
You could wear it pubically too if you like

Scott:
no, that would be disturbing.
"look! my willy is the pope! yay pope willy the 3rd!"

Scott and the private sector

Rebecca:
I've worked as a public servant for too long. These things matter little to us and the private sector is a whole new world

Scott:
Private sector? Is that the bit on the map that says here be dragons?

Rebecca:
yeah that one... I might stray there in the future and set off to bravely explore where few have explored before

Scott:
Eeek! Don't forget to wear your special private sector chainmail underwear when you do.