Scott translates jargon for the layman...

James:
I'm blowing fifty bucks on an extra 2GB of RAM for the gaming rig. 4GB will be MUCH better (though apparently on any 32 bit iteration of windows, no more than 3.25GB or so can be used, and you need to go to 64 bit to go up to 16GB or 32GB or whatever it is).

Scott:
I think i'm going to go up to 4gig when I eventually get round to upgrading my box. I'm still deciding whether to go with Vista or hold on til Windows 7 comes out.

Michelle:
gah
*looks confused*
can you explain the rest of that in nice small words that I can understand

Scott:
In terms of easily understood metaphors: I'm intending to upgrade to a bigger weasel and have still to decide what obedience school to take him to.

Michelle:
ah - thank you, that makes things so much easier to understand

Scott proposes a novel

"The Branch Meeting of Tomorrow" is a novel set in the near-future where a totalitarian militaristic dictatorship herds all its workers in to bright, spartan meeting rooms for one day every month, in which they are stripped naked, chained to the wall and have squash balls fired at them from pneumatic cannons carried by robots. This is seen by all concerned as quicker and more humane than the previous definition of branch meetings.

Scott gets help writing a CSI episode

Michelle:
assuming you could find the victim after I'd dismembered them with a coffee mug

Scott:
That'd make a cool CSI episode.

Grissom: "Notice the clean, almost surgical cuts on the severed limbs. This was definitely done with a coffee cup."
Sidekick: "You mean pieces of a broken cup?"
Grissom: "No, a real, whole coffee cup. Nothing quite like an office coffee break."

*cue theme music and shots of unreasonably clean and good looking investigators.*

James:
"The perp's going to be hard to catch. No doubt they've..." *removes sunglasses* "...gone to ground."

Scott:
"The perp should have stuck to his usual decaffeinated instead of....." *removes sunglasses* "....decapitated."

James:
"The victim may have wanted coffee, but this isn't what he wanted when he asked for..." *removes sunglasses* "...a double shot."

Scott:
"Whoever laced this guy's coffee with heroin either didn't know or care that the victim was...." *removes sunglasses* "......smacktose intolerant."

Ow. My brain.

James:
"It looks like the killer deliberately infected the victim's coffee with rabies, so his cappuccino..." *removes sunglasses* "...had extra froth."

Scott and biscuits

James:
I'm cursing him for taking the last Iced Vovo.

Scott:
No, I took the Iced Volvo. The Iced Vovo developed sentience over night and escaped.

James:
I am a progressive modern man, but one thing I cannot abide is sapience in baked good. Next thing you know they'll be wanting the vote, too, and shipping hordes of their crummy little relatives over
here to steal our jobs and soak up our tea.

Scott:
And then we'll have hordes of single mother biscuits having billions of crumbly offspring and expecting the state to pay for them! We'll be surrounded in delinquent monte carlos, graffitin' our cars and setting fire to our shrubbery!

James:
Who knows where it'll end? Jatz crackers stored in the same tin as Honey Jumbles! Tim Tams with weird, foreign "limited edition flavours"!

Michelle:
more likely animal crackers in our soup

Scott:
And they'll breed with our regular, wholesome, native biscuits! We'll get Scotch Finger Oreos and Kingstons with marshmallow chips and Anzac biscuits with a Turkish Delight filling! Its not right! I didn't fight in two baked goods wars to come home and find that someone's been diddling with my Mixed Assortments!

Scott gives the greatest of gifts...

"And you, my faithful peon, who stood beside me while all around was flame and ouchiness, to you I give the greatest gift of all!"

"My leige, I am not worthy!"

"I give you this, my short and hairy peasant: a small wheel of elderly cheese!"

"............"

"I see you have been rendered speechless by my magnificent gift, oh unpleasantly fragrant one."

"......cheese? You've given me cheese?"

"Indeed I have, faithful servant of little brain!"

"After everything I did for you? A fucking wheel of cheese? I fought offthe Hordes of Crotchless-Pantied Nether-Demons for you! I led the charge when we raided Castle Ick while you sheltered in a nunnery disguised as a grandmother! I toppled the Great Tower of G'Ath'Ath'Ack'l'Ath, burnt the city of Sleem and razed the temples of Omnommer the Devourer! I slew the great daemon Unchwunter Klebullous the Splatulent! All of this I did for you! And now you give me cheese?!"

"Yes! Truly your deeds make you worthy of this fine small piece of tasty milk curdlings!"

"AAARGH!"

"Argh indeed, my almost-friend, argh indeed!"

Scott's a radio DJ

[after James complains about the quality of music in his office]

"It's quarter past 10, you're listening to radio 3 Triple Crud and that was Poseur with their new hit "Argh My Brain it Went Sploosh". Coming up next 3 hours of non-stop Nickelback because you requested it! Well actually you didn't but we don't care because the music companies bought everyone at the station ferraris just so we'd play their mass produced tripe. Ha-hah! And now, 40 minutes of screaming obnoxious ads, brought to you by Coke, because we have no soul!"

Scott's Coallition of Concerned Citizens Against James's wrongness

[James is given a list of things to do, numbered 1, 2, 4, and 5 - item 3 is missing.]

Scott:
Step 3 has been censored by the Coallition of Concerned Citizens Against James' Wrongness.

James:
South Australian Attorney General Michael Atkinson has allowed the release of this censored version of step 3 for Australian audiences:

3) [blacked out] goats [blacked out] big bucket of [blacked out] Amanda Vanstone [blacked out] and will likely never return to its original size.

Scott:
Coalition spokesperson Reginald Twitlock had this to say about today's release of a heavily ensored Step 3:

"While its clear a small number of words have been blacked out by the Attorney General's office, there's still enough there to fill in the blanks! Its an outrage! Wrongness such as this should not be allowed in a decent, god fearing society! If I was in charge we'd burn them all at the stake! Think of the children!"

In response, the media liaison representative from the Wrong James Foundation called Mr Twitlock and the rest of the CCCAJW a "bunch of twats." The Attorney General's office would not comment.

Scott does not think highly of lawyers

Lawyer #1: "Did you hear that?"
Lawyer #2: "Hear what?"
Lawyer #1: "Sounded like a chilling war cry foretelling our gruesome and bloody end."
Lawyer #2: "Nope, didn't hear that. What'd it sound like?"
Lawyer #1: "Well, kinda like... WRAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
Lawyer #2: "Really? I thought war cries were more along the lines of 'I'll have yer bollocks!'"
Lawyer #1: "Nope, definitely WRAAGGHH."
Lawyer #2: "Fancy that. You learn something new everyday."
Lawyer #1: "Indeed we do, indeed we do. And now, back to behaving like retarded rhesus monkeys on crack."
Lawyer #2: "Eeee! Ooo eeeooo!"
Lawyer #1: "Aaark! Eeeeek!"

Scott discusses track and field

Michelle:
[referring to the Bobby Pearce duck story]
It's one of those wonderful Australian sportsmanship stories that is right up there with John Landy missing his chance to be the first to break the four minute mile barrier by helping Ron Clarke up .

Scott:
And that of Commander Reginald Pertwee St John Forthington-Smythe breaking the record for the 100 yard "screaming and waving your arms wildly above your head" as he was chased by the natives of the Congo . He's a hero to many sprinters and an inspiration/target for javelin throwers.

Scott fears litigation

[After learning that his prevous comments about Sydney's train system have been blogged.]

Oh noes! I shall be sued by Sydney's CityRail! I must flee before an exceptionally delayed subpoena turns up at the wrong address!

Scott comments on Sydney's train network

...not including the 30 minutes it takes to work out Sydney trains' arcane ticketing system.

"Select departure point......select destination.....set peak hour......select adult ticket.....select day of the week......select sex......select shoe size......select lunar cycle......select choice of unnecessary network delays....select favourite cheese......select choice of drug addict to sit next to....select random encounter with choice of poultry...."

Scott re-writes the Famous Five for the modern day

"Oh I say, Generic Posh English Name Person, why don't we go and find some rather lame mysteries to solve!"
"No, I'd rather stay in bed and spend the day shagging."
"Oh.....um.....that certainly sounds.....interesting. Are you sure you don't want to solve the mystery of Farmer Brown's disappearing sheep?"
"No, not really, shagging will be a lot more fun, but don't let me stop you."

Scott is critical of Channel 7's soccer coverage...

"And there's this guy kicking a round ball....funny shape for a ball, should be more pointy really, anyway.....and he's kicked it and some other guy has it now, but a guy from the other team has taken it off him and stay tuned after the game for the final episode of our exciting Dancing with Backyard Blitz Biggest Loser Random Foul Mouthed Chefs.....and oh look someone scored when I wasn't watching, but don't worry we'll get a replay of that in 10 minutes or so. And now a 20 minute ad break."

Scott discusses fashion

Scott:
Friday should be casual codpiece day.
As opposed, you know, to formal codpiece day...

James:
Is a casual codpiece made of denim or something?

Michelle:
no buttons and tie

Scott:
Would that be a codpiece or a posing pouch?

James:
I'm guessing a formal codpiece would have pinstripes.

Michelle:
or pleats

Scott:
With a bowtie attached to it.

James:
And a military full dress codpiece would be red and white with gold piping.

Scott:
With a black rooster feather in it.

Scott writes an action movie

Michelle:
and I is obviously just a lowly worm

Rebecca:
You not a lowly anything, you a giant!

James:
Now go stomp on Tokyo.

Scott:
"Rawrr!"
*poorly dubbed*
"Oh no! It is Michellezilla! Too many requests for unnecessary stationary orders have mutated her into a giant monster! She will destroy us all!"
"Rawwrr!"
*more poor dubbing*
"Quick you strange person standing there! You must help me fire this emergency chocolate at her! It is our only hopeness!"
*lame cannon sound*
"Rawwwrr! ooooh yum!"

Michelle:
and the way the Michellezilla is going at the moment, the only thing that will placate her is being able to stomp the Brunasaurus into the ground (and then being fed chocolate)

Scott:
Michellezilla will use her secret Death Ray of Fundamentally Wrong Goat Insertion to destroy the Brunasaurus and save us all!

Scott doesn't like warm winter nights

The weather sucks like a Dyson stuck to a cat's bum. If I don't sleep well tonight I shall mutate into an enraged lizard-beast and stomp all over a scale model of Tokyo.

Scott swears an oath

"Sweet bagels" sounds like some kind of oath.

"Oh sweet bagels! That dinosaur is eating the President!"

Scott goes hunting

Scott:
Argh! Its the dreaded McPoutbeast! Jeeves, get my hunting tongs ready!

James:
Dreadfully sorry, sir, but Emily the scullery maid has the tongs, sir. You asked her to polish all the silver, sir, and the hunting tongs were in the silver cabinet.
Sir.

Scott:
Dammit man, I can't let a magnificent beast like that get away! Imagine what its head would like above the fireplace in the manor house? Fetch my grandfather's inlaid hunting spork - it may not be the right tool for the job but I'll be damned if I let this one get away!

James:
*cough* Dreadfully sorry, sir, but the spork is silver, too.
I do, however, have a wooden fighting ladle.

Scott:
What do you make me for, some kind of barbarian? Some kind of working class scum? Some kind of, of, of French person?? No Snodgrass-Wildebeast has ever wielded a ladle in combat and I'll not be the first! Damn your eyes! Next thing you'll be suggesting I stop rogering the kitchen staff on Wednesday afternoons!

Scott and the shiny arsed baboons

Scott:
their arses shine so much in the wild that large groups can often be mistaken for the lights of villages and towns from a distance.

James:
The Shiny-Arsed Swamp Baboon is reputed to use its shiny arse to lure travellers off the path in treacherous marshlands, and when they are hopelessly lost attempt to sell them Amway products.

Scott:
The Greater Flashing Savannah Hurdler Baboon uses its arse to signal its location to the other members of its troup every time it leaps above grass level. That way the troup is able to coordinate its assault on unwary tourists and force them to buy poorly made, cheesy, crap trinkets that take up far too much space in their luggage on the way home.

James:
The Lesser Eyespotted Baboon from the Aspen region of Utah flashes its bright buttock-mounted eyespots to confuse tourists, who later find themselves holding signed timeshare accommodation contracts that they do not recall having signed.

Scott:
The Alabama Great Posterior Baboon uses its arse as a signal and a warning to other members of its troup that it is moving backwards. Due to the size of its buttocks it is unable to view anything immediately behind it and has thus evolved a flashin arse signal with accompanying beeping sound to warn troup members and thus not accidentally injure or incapacitate them.

Scott forms a committee

Scott:
This is the headline from hell, guaranteed to kill your brain. The copy editor that came up with this one will probably be smirking for the rest of his life: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7390109.stm

Michelle:
one wonders how the Lesser Tits are getting on...

James:
Last I heard, they were forming a committee.

Scott:
A small committee?

James:
Very small. Itty-bitty, you could say.

Scott:
Which would then nicely lead itself to being called a... Committee for the Study of Climate Change Impact on Avian Species, in Particular the Lesser Tit.

James:
Catchy.