Scott has language

Scott:
bah. i feel bad about saying this, but not only does this colleague (who is working here temporarily while someone is on maternity leave) have a classical witch's hooked nose, but she wears WAY too much makeup and perfume. The smell makes me ill when she walks past.

Rebecca:
tell her you are scent sensitive and find the amount of perfume she wears makes you feel ill

Scott:
I wonder if there's anyway i can get her to say "i'll get you my pretty and your little dog too"?

mmmm....i think i'm going to hell for that thought. i take it back.

Rebecca:
well there is... write it down on a post-it-note and stick it on her desk. She'll probably read it out loud before looking around the room for who wrote it... and perhaps not even understanding where its from. Make sure you disguise your handwriting though

Scott:
no, i refuse. even if she has the honker of a witch and wear's enough makeup to safely protect the underside of the shuttle during re-entry that doesn't make her a bad person

Scott:
and in the meantime i shall learn how to us apostrophes.

Rebecca:

an excellent idea

Scott:
and also how to type.

Rebecca:
you're asking a bit much aren't you?

Scott:
clearyl

Rebecca:
let's start small

Scott:
mmm cheese

Rebecca:
well I was thinking apostrophes

Scott:
but i can't eat apostrophes, or have melted ones on toast

Rebecca:
did we say you could?

Scott's latest comment on this blog

may that blog make all those that read it suffer a painful death by a

million screaming knife wielding pygmies.

Scott has nooks and crannies

Rebecca:
*laugh* Yay for nooks and crannies
What crannies do men have anyway?

Scott:
oh, the usual ones.

Rebecca:
be more specific

Scott:
you demand cranny specificity?

Rebecca:
I demand a map or at least a good description

Scott:
no, my crannies shall remain mysterious.

Rebecca:
why?

Scott:
because there be dragons

Rebecca:
you can fit dragons into your crannies? Now I am intrigued

Scott:
i have amazing crannies

Rebecca:
evidently

Scott:
Lonely Planet wrote a guide book about them

Rebecca:
What did they call this book?

Scott:
the Rough Guide to Scott's Intriguing Crannies.

Rebecca:
and where would I buy a copy?

Scott:
Any bad book shop should have one.

Rebecca:
so you won't tell me about your crannies, but everyone else knows?

Scott:
ah the mysteries of life.

Scott is sane

I am cheese weasel! I wear a crownly wheel of cheese! Virgins shall be sacrificed in my giant fondu!

Scott loves training

God forgive me but this presenter looks so like a hot air balloon. I keep expecting him to float up to the ceiling.

Scott is random

Insert tab A into slot B and shake vigorously

Scott does not enjoy his training course

If the rest of the course goes as slowly as this morning I will either explode or mutate into a giant enraged radioactive beaver and destroy Tokyo

Scott the mad scientist

Its alive! *cackles* Take that society of mad scientists, you who told me the monster would never rise from its bed! You have all been proved to be the hacks you always were! Now cower as I unleash the beast upon you all!

Scott has a day off

Scott:
i don't have to work this friday. yay me! *does happy lazy friday dance*

Michelle:
*throws large heavy object at Scott*

Scott:
*scott's dancing produces unpredictable and random gyrations, thus making targetting impossible. its almost as if he breaks the laws of physics.*

Michelle:
*sets Scotty onto Scott to stop him breaking the laws of physics*

James:
-2 to hit, -4 to AC

Scott might have a pope hat

Scott:
because i shy, my pope hats are not for publicness

Rebecca:
I wasn't asking if you were going to wear it publically

Scott:
hmmm, i read that as pubically first

Rebecca:
and you say *I* have a one track mind.
You could wear it pubically too if you like

Scott:
no, that would be disturbing.
"look! my willy is the pope! yay pope willy the 3rd!"

Scott and the private sector

Rebecca:
I've worked as a public servant for too long. These things matter little to us and the private sector is a whole new world

Scott:
Private sector? Is that the bit on the map that says here be dragons?

Rebecca:
yeah that one... I might stray there in the future and set off to bravely explore where few have explored before

Scott:
Eeek! Don't forget to wear your special private sector chainmail underwear when you do.

Scott on being blogged today

Rebecca:
you're having fun making me go and blog you lots today aren't you?

Scott:
I've given up fighting it, attempting to stop your evil is like trying to empty the pacific ocean using a straw :P

Scott provides some definitions of the term "bah"

"you're wrong"
"don't make me laugh"
"maroon and purple ARE the same colour"
"i find your hypothesis doubtful"

and

"an alternative political system based on the behaviour of african elephants is not feasible at this point in time."

Scott is a public servant

Scott:
and it would appear i haven't had any sick leave without medical certificates this year. i been good.

Rebecca:
so be "sick" sometime

Scott:
possibly. when i not El Juaning

Rebecca:
don't let El Juaning stop you

Scott:
*strikes pose* i have responsibilities and obligations! my duty is to remain at the helm even as the ship sinks!

Rebecca:
hello... you're a public servant

Scott:
a servant of the public! i shall set a shining example of servitude!

Scott and evil chicken overlords

James:

Krap Karate does not work on chickens.*

* Nor, as it happens, on anything else

Scott:

Hehe. I just had a mental picture of an evil chicken overlord, dressed in evil overlord uniform, sneering down at cartoon superhero and declaring "Krap Karate does not work on chickens". Then he unleashes the giant robot chicken army of doom.

Scott is sexy

Rebecca: Scott will strip for me!

Scott: No, I strip for myself. Da-da-daaa... Oooh! I turn myself on!

Scott bans Christmas

The Department has determined that your claims for Christmas do not engage Australia's public holiday obligations and as a result your Christmas has been refused. Please note you have 28 days from the date of this letter to appeal to the Christmas Review Tribunal or to depart Christmas and find a new holiday altogether. Failure to do either by the date specified may result in your detention in a Public Holiday Detention Centre.

Scott on road building

Rebecca:
I'm only pretending to be here while I answer a bloody long survey... why did I have to be randomly selected?

James:
Have you ever used a theodolite before?

Rebecca:
What is a theodolite again?

James:
A theodolite is that telescope-on-a-tripod thing surveyors use.

Scott:
"Arrrrr", said the surveyor, "this be a fine place to build road. Fetch me pirate road building wenches!"

Scott writes songs about porridge

*sung to the the tune of the whitlam's "no aphrodisiac"*

Porridge for you in the kitchen
we're not having toast anymore
gotta eat it up quickly
or i'll give it away to the homeless and poor

There's no breakfast cereal like porridge-ness
as it drips off the spoon and goes gloop.

Scott writes to James's (now ex) boss

*stomps over to James' office*

Hi Andrew

I'm concerned about the lack of direction and instruction you've been providing James [surname]. The inability to provide him with information is not grounds to then complain about the quality of the work he produces, and I would fully expect you to improve in that regard. Additionally I find your lack of consideration for his personal situation to be appalling. With respect I think you should take your head out of your arse and allow me to kick said arse repeatedly with my big boots of stompy arse kicking. Failure to respond to this notice will imply consent to the arse kicking. Responding to this notice will also imply consent. You're screwed either way.

Cheers
Scott