Scott uncovers a conspiracy

In response to this news story...

Scott:
"You know, we were lucky this time, things could have been much worse."
"Sir, I'm not sure I follow.....it was just a cow."
"Yes, that was most people think, but I know the truth, I've seen what they're capable of doing."
"What, you mean like eating grass and going 'moo'?"
"Mark my words, Constable, this is just the start. The others will be moving soon."
"Others?"
"The other cows in the sleeper cell."
"Uh...."
"We've been infiltrated by Al Qaeda terrorist cows, Constable. There's no knowing where or when they'll strike next."
"Sir, I really think you should have a nice lie down."
"Lie down when there's terrorist cows on the loose? Are you mad?? When this cow comes round I want you to take into custody for questioning."
"It'll only say 'moo' sir."
"Oh it'll talk eventually. They all break in the end. If you're lucky, Constable, you could be the man that stops this country from becoming victim to yet another terrorist cow plot."
"Uh......great...."

Scott busts some variations on a theme

Michelle:
Scott is probably plotting new eenie meenies as we speak

Amber:
Unsurprising...

Scott:
eenie meenie minie stab
stab stab stab stab stab stab stab
stab stab stab stab stab stab
eenie meenie minie stab

Scott and friends bust some rhymes

(Bear with us on this one - the set-up is required!)

Amber:
Machines suck.

Rebecca:
Machines may suck... depending on the use for which they were produced

Michelle:
computers are not vacuum cleaners

Rebecca:
Exactly... but they do have vents to draw in air to cool the CPU... so they suck a bit

Scott:
but they also have vents to expel warm air, so they both suck and blow.

Amber:
eenie meenie minie mo

James:
Catch a PC by the toe.
Does it suck or does it blow?
Eenie meenie minie mo.

Amber:
I think I'd be more concerned by the presence of feet than any reaction caused by the grabbing thereof

James:
Oh... how about:
Eeenie meenie minie mongle
Catch a PC by the dongle...

Scott:
eenie meenie minie mod
watch my PC die by BSOD
if it boots give thanks to god
eeenie meenie minie mod

Michelle:
eenie meenie minie may
I hope my PC works today
or else I'll boot it far away
eenie meenie minie may

Amber:
It's a toss-up as to which I like best...

Rebecca:
Blog them both!

Scott:
eenie meenie minie moat
an evil blog stores what I wrote
may its owner die by goat
eenie meenie minie moat

Michelle:
eenie meenie minie may
Scott's blog gets better day by day
we hope it never goes away
eenie meenie minie may

Scott likes having fans

It is official, I am a god. I may be only a small god worshipped by a few residents of an island that probably still suffers radioactive fallout from nuclear testing, but I am still a god. Mmmm cargo cults.

Scott is a free spirit

if i had no financial issues i would happily wander around all day with my pants around my ankles.

Scott has amazing pants

Scott:
when i put them on the whole lower half of my body is blanked out, like the fuzzy pixellation you get on TV news reports when they can't show you someone's face

Michelle:
so if we all squint intensely at your legs, the picture should resolve like one of those magic eye pictures

Scott:
indeed. stare long enough and you can see a duck playing a harmonica.

Scott is mighty

Rebecca:
You shall be my idol

Scott:
and a fine one you have selected. indeed, the greatest

Rebecca:
yay greatness!

Scott:
a mighty gold colossus

Rebecca:
oooh nice

Scott:
giant gold plated genitals swinging in the breeze so that all those pedestrians might gaze up as they pass between my golden calfs and gasp in awe.

i am a mighty colossus, a golden idol a thousand foot high

Scott is disturbing

the last one made me squeal like a pleasure piggy

Scott is masculine

i have you know i fight like a man........a girly man

Scott provides outstanding customer service

James wrote:

Unbe-f--king-lievable.

*ring ring*
James: Good morning, [company name], James speaking.
Salesperson: Hello, may I speak to the person in charge of your computer system please?
J: Uh, sorry, what is this in regard to?
S: This is in regard to your printing services.
J: Oh, is this a sales call?
S: I'm just calling to give some information and a quote.
J: Has anybody here actually called you to request a quote?
S: No.
J: So this is an unsolicited sales call?
S: Um...
J: Thank you but we are quite happy with our current computer arrangements. Good bye.
*click*

*ring ring*
J: Good morning, [company name], James speaking.
S: Hello, may I speak to the person in charge of your computer system please?
J: Uh... you just called me. I hung up on you.
S: Well... that's not polite. You shouldn't do that.
J: I actually was quite polite with you.
S: We're human beings too, you know.
J: Uh... okay. Well, goodbye.
*click*
Utterly insane.


Scott responded:

You will accept our printing services, there is nothing you can say stop it. Our armed printing technicians will storm your office force our printing services on you at gunpoint. There is no defence. You will be overjoyed at out low rates or we will shoot you.

Scott's rocket crocket

Michelle:
among my many talents is a 12 handicap in tournament level croquet...I can roquet and croquet with the best of them

Scott:
i deliberately read that as "rocket and crocket", which to me sounds like a hollywood police action series. you know, "tune in for next exciting adventures of LA's finest cops, Rocket and Crocket, as they fight to clear the name of X while stopping a shipment of Y and bringing down the Z cartel, all while using as guns and cliches as possible. And lets not forget the explosions, preferrably on speedboats with lots of women in bikinis!"

Scott discusses anti-viral software

James:
Wait a minute... a Microsoft product that completely fails to work as advertised and ends up causing far more damage and/or inconvenience than it ever came even close to preventing?

Surely that's unprecedented!

Scott:
what do you mean damage? its protecting the users by deleting the infected emails! it works perfectly! it deletes all the other emails as well because they may have become infected by association. these viruses are tricky things. microsoft knows better than us. let go of your consciousness and give in to the will of microsoft, you know you want to

Scott answers possible minister's question

I tried it once, it resulted in me having to write a PMQ on the whole thing.

Issue
Are ministerial requests annoying? Do they take up valuable time that could be better spent doing actual work?

Talking Points

• Ministerial requests occur for even the tiniest, most annoying of reasons. In some cases there appear to be no identifiable reasons at all for the ministerial request to exist.
  

• The irrelevance of ministerial requests places some question marks over the sanity of the minister and the various members of parliament.
  

[If asked about annoyance rating of ministerial requests]
Ministerial requests are clearly a waste of the department's time to follow up, are usually triggered when someone panics upon reading a poorly researched story in the press, and clearly indicate that I, the minister, am not of sound mind.

Scott creates new acronyms

From now on DVD shall stand for Delinquently Vertical Dinosaur.

Purely because it like the idea of being delinquently vertical, even though I'm no 100% sure what it means.

Scott has a dream

At one point i dreamt of a TV game/talent show hosted by Daryl Somers. he was talking to these three contestants that had just finished their act, 2 guys and a girl, all in costume, but for some reason the girl's costume was a huge cube, brightly coloured but still a cube, and all you could see of her were her legs sticking out the bottom. Darryl was commenting on her costume and then made a bad joke why this girl decided to dress up as a sunni muslim (because, you know, they were cubes...). He then ran into the audience and apologised to a woman wearing a headscarf if he offended her. That's all i can remember.

Scott talks of trades

Australian tradesmen are sensitive, new age guys. The whole arse crack display stuff is just a protective shell to keep the world from knowing the true tradesman inside, the one that hugs trees, goes to moon worship festivals, and plays the recorder to summon the mother goddess to help him unclog your toilet.

Scott makes spam

Rebecca:
lets make our emails more spam like

Scott:
Ok.

Amazing news!!! Herbal nose enlargement pills!!!

Do you feel ashamed at the size of your nose?? Are you unable to satisfy your partner because of the size of your nose?? Amazing new genetic engineered breakthrough now gives you all-natural herbal nose-enhancement pills!!!!! Now your nose can stay larger for longer!!! Just click on this link -> http://www.scamyoumuch.com/muahaha and send all your bank and credit card details!! Herbal nose enhancement pills will be sent to you by safe and fast courier service!! Get your all natural genetically engineered nose enhancement pills now and no longer feel ashamed about the size of your nose!!!

Scott doesn't love his colleagues

My unit .. consists of [two men] who are decidedly not cool. Given the choice of hugging those two and smearing moss over my body before tapdancing over rusty nails on a live army firing range, the latter wins hands down.

Scott love

Rebecca:
self love is as important as love from others :P

Scott:
i love myself which is why i strip for myself on special nights.

Scott is happy

i a bunny of delightedness