Scott sends a letter

Dear Mr X

Thank you for your letter to the Minister dated 12 April 2007. Please understand that regardless of your point of view and the issues you have raised, you still suck. The Minister feels that due to your complete and overwhelming suckage he will no longer respond to any of your correspondence, and will instead laugh at any future correspondence you may send and will phone you just so he can make rude monkey sounds at you.

Your sincerely,
Abundant Suckage
Department of Rude Monkey Sounds

Scott and the King of Wrong

The King of Wrong wears a crown of goats and sits upon a throne made of dried mollusc mucous. The King of Wrong does not receive many visitors.

Scott snorts

Rebecca:
Blog it.

Scott:
Blog it. Sounds like the old Salt 'n' Pepper track....

Amber:
I blogged it real good.

Scott:
curse you for making me snort.

Rebecca:
Yay snortage

Scott:
Mmmm snortage. Its stocks are trading quite well on the commodity market at the moment. . . . i wonder what happens when snortage stocks crash?

James:
People in the area of effect need to wear gumboots for a while.

Scott:
*snort*
Snortage stocks rose 5% in late trading today on the back of some wild and outlandish statements by the King of Wrong

Scott is a menace to society

Amber:
Scott, stop sending me things that get quarantined.

Scott:
haven't you heard? i'm diseased. it's contagious. anyone that comes in contact with my emails will become infected. symptoms include spontaneous word failure and a tendency to fixate on goats and cheese

Scott has a sensitive nose

Oh god, the perfume wearer's at her desk again. Here comes the
headache....

its like she's been dipped bodily in a vat of stink.

I'd use an elephant gun but her shield of stink is impervious to bullets.

Scott is open-minded

I really need to try some fish action.

Scott is ambivalent about cheese

I am a master of naming cheeses.

Mind you, I'm also reluctant to put anything called Spoffing Arthwarton in my mouth...

Scott names a cheese

[In response to Cheddarvision.tv's request to name their cheese...]

and I christen thee.....
...Abundant Weasleton. A fine name for a cheese.

or it could be Curious Barnabus...
or Spoffing Arthwarton...

personally i like the taste of a nice Bluffing Funtworthy.
or a good Peculiar Gruntleton.

Oh, and yes, I am submitting these names to the website.
...including Mr Brown's Spontaneous Trumpleton, and Ecclesiastic Funk

Grumpert Boodlington!
Grommit's Lesser Cheese of Paradise!
Salacious Tweedleton!

Ok, I'm done now.

Scott considers his worshippers

Mmm cargo cults. They're building a big statue of me out of banana tree leaves.

Scott uncovers a conspiracy

In response to this news story...

Scott:
"You know, we were lucky this time, things could have been much worse."
"Sir, I'm not sure I follow.....it was just a cow."
"Yes, that was most people think, but I know the truth, I've seen what they're capable of doing."
"What, you mean like eating grass and going 'moo'?"
"Mark my words, Constable, this is just the start. The others will be moving soon."
"Others?"
"The other cows in the sleeper cell."
"Uh...."
"We've been infiltrated by Al Qaeda terrorist cows, Constable. There's no knowing where or when they'll strike next."
"Sir, I really think you should have a nice lie down."
"Lie down when there's terrorist cows on the loose? Are you mad?? When this cow comes round I want you to take into custody for questioning."
"It'll only say 'moo' sir."
"Oh it'll talk eventually. They all break in the end. If you're lucky, Constable, you could be the man that stops this country from becoming victim to yet another terrorist cow plot."
"Uh......great...."

Scott busts some variations on a theme

Michelle:
Scott is probably plotting new eenie meenies as we speak

Amber:
Unsurprising...

Scott:
eenie meenie minie stab
stab stab stab stab stab stab stab
stab stab stab stab stab stab
eenie meenie minie stab

Scott and friends bust some rhymes

(Bear with us on this one - the set-up is required!)

Amber:
Machines suck.

Rebecca:
Machines may suck... depending on the use for which they were produced

Michelle:
computers are not vacuum cleaners

Rebecca:
Exactly... but they do have vents to draw in air to cool the CPU... so they suck a bit

Scott:
but they also have vents to expel warm air, so they both suck and blow.

Amber:
eenie meenie minie mo

James:
Catch a PC by the toe.
Does it suck or does it blow?
Eenie meenie minie mo.

Amber:
I think I'd be more concerned by the presence of feet than any reaction caused by the grabbing thereof

James:
Oh... how about:
Eeenie meenie minie mongle
Catch a PC by the dongle...

Scott:
eenie meenie minie mod
watch my PC die by BSOD
if it boots give thanks to god
eeenie meenie minie mod

Michelle:
eenie meenie minie may
I hope my PC works today
or else I'll boot it far away
eenie meenie minie may

Amber:
It's a toss-up as to which I like best...

Rebecca:
Blog them both!

Scott:
eenie meenie minie moat
an evil blog stores what I wrote
may its owner die by goat
eenie meenie minie moat

Michelle:
eenie meenie minie may
Scott's blog gets better day by day
we hope it never goes away
eenie meenie minie may

Scott likes having fans

It is official, I am a god. I may be only a small god worshipped by a few residents of an island that probably still suffers radioactive fallout from nuclear testing, but I am still a god. Mmmm cargo cults.

Scott is a free spirit

if i had no financial issues i would happily wander around all day with my pants around my ankles.

Scott has amazing pants

Scott:
when i put them on the whole lower half of my body is blanked out, like the fuzzy pixellation you get on TV news reports when they can't show you someone's face

Michelle:
so if we all squint intensely at your legs, the picture should resolve like one of those magic eye pictures

Scott:
indeed. stare long enough and you can see a duck playing a harmonica.

Scott is mighty

Rebecca:
You shall be my idol

Scott:
and a fine one you have selected. indeed, the greatest

Rebecca:
yay greatness!

Scott:
a mighty gold colossus

Rebecca:
oooh nice

Scott:
giant gold plated genitals swinging in the breeze so that all those pedestrians might gaze up as they pass between my golden calfs and gasp in awe.

i am a mighty colossus, a golden idol a thousand foot high

Scott is disturbing

the last one made me squeal like a pleasure piggy

Scott is masculine

i have you know i fight like a man........a girly man

Scott provides outstanding customer service

James wrote:

Unbe-f--king-lievable.

*ring ring*
James: Good morning, [company name], James speaking.
Salesperson: Hello, may I speak to the person in charge of your computer system please?
J: Uh, sorry, what is this in regard to?
S: This is in regard to your printing services.
J: Oh, is this a sales call?
S: I'm just calling to give some information and a quote.
J: Has anybody here actually called you to request a quote?
S: No.
J: So this is an unsolicited sales call?
S: Um...
J: Thank you but we are quite happy with our current computer arrangements. Good bye.
*click*

*ring ring*
J: Good morning, [company name], James speaking.
S: Hello, may I speak to the person in charge of your computer system please?
J: Uh... you just called me. I hung up on you.
S: Well... that's not polite. You shouldn't do that.
J: I actually was quite polite with you.
S: We're human beings too, you know.
J: Uh... okay. Well, goodbye.
*click*
Utterly insane.


Scott responded:

You will accept our printing services, there is nothing you can say stop it. Our armed printing technicians will storm your office force our printing services on you at gunpoint. There is no defence. You will be overjoyed at out low rates or we will shoot you.

Scott's rocket crocket

Michelle:
among my many talents is a 12 handicap in tournament level croquet...I can roquet and croquet with the best of them

Scott:
i deliberately read that as "rocket and crocket", which to me sounds like a hollywood police action series. you know, "tune in for next exciting adventures of LA's finest cops, Rocket and Crocket, as they fight to clear the name of X while stopping a shipment of Y and bringing down the Z cartel, all while using as guns and cliches as possible. And lets not forget the explosions, preferrably on speedboats with lots of women in bikinis!"

Scott discusses anti-viral software

James:
Wait a minute... a Microsoft product that completely fails to work as advertised and ends up causing far more damage and/or inconvenience than it ever came even close to preventing?

Surely that's unprecedented!

Scott:
what do you mean damage? its protecting the users by deleting the infected emails! it works perfectly! it deletes all the other emails as well because they may have become infected by association. these viruses are tricky things. microsoft knows better than us. let go of your consciousness and give in to the will of microsoft, you know you want to

Scott answers possible minister's question

I tried it once, it resulted in me having to write a PMQ on the whole thing.

Issue
Are ministerial requests annoying? Do they take up valuable time that could be better spent doing actual work?

Talking Points

• Ministerial requests occur for even the tiniest, most annoying of reasons. In some cases there appear to be no identifiable reasons at all for the ministerial request to exist.
  

• The irrelevance of ministerial requests places some question marks over the sanity of the minister and the various members of parliament.
  

[If asked about annoyance rating of ministerial requests]
Ministerial requests are clearly a waste of the department's time to follow up, are usually triggered when someone panics upon reading a poorly researched story in the press, and clearly indicate that I, the minister, am not of sound mind.

Scott creates new acronyms

From now on DVD shall stand for Delinquently Vertical Dinosaur.

Purely because it like the idea of being delinquently vertical, even though I'm no 100% sure what it means.

Scott has a dream

At one point i dreamt of a TV game/talent show hosted by Daryl Somers. he was talking to these three contestants that had just finished their act, 2 guys and a girl, all in costume, but for some reason the girl's costume was a huge cube, brightly coloured but still a cube, and all you could see of her were her legs sticking out the bottom. Darryl was commenting on her costume and then made a bad joke why this girl decided to dress up as a sunni muslim (because, you know, they were cubes...). He then ran into the audience and apologised to a woman wearing a headscarf if he offended her. That's all i can remember.

Scott talks of trades

Australian tradesmen are sensitive, new age guys. The whole arse crack display stuff is just a protective shell to keep the world from knowing the true tradesman inside, the one that hugs trees, goes to moon worship festivals, and plays the recorder to summon the mother goddess to help him unclog your toilet.

Scott makes spam

Rebecca:
lets make our emails more spam like

Scott:
Ok.

Amazing news!!! Herbal nose enlargement pills!!!

Do you feel ashamed at the size of your nose?? Are you unable to satisfy your partner because of the size of your nose?? Amazing new genetic engineered breakthrough now gives you all-natural herbal nose-enhancement pills!!!!! Now your nose can stay larger for longer!!! Just click on this link -> http://www.scamyoumuch.com/muahaha and send all your bank and credit card details!! Herbal nose enhancement pills will be sent to you by safe and fast courier service!! Get your all natural genetically engineered nose enhancement pills now and no longer feel ashamed about the size of your nose!!!

Scott doesn't love his colleagues

My unit .. consists of [two men] who are decidedly not cool. Given the choice of hugging those two and smearing moss over my body before tapdancing over rusty nails on a live army firing range, the latter wins hands down.

Scott love

Rebecca:
self love is as important as love from others :P

Scott:
i love myself which is why i strip for myself on special nights.

Scott is happy

i a bunny of delightedness

Scott discusses politics

Rebecca:
Why is the US looking at bombing Iran?

Scott:
Combination of the neo-con policy of removing potential challengers to US global supremacy, poor intelligence gathering, a sincere belief on the part of some agency officials that they could actually win a war with Iran and as a distraction from US internal politics.

Nothing at all whatsoever to do with stuffing weasels down the ayatollah's pants.

. . .

Mostly not the weasels because the CIA can't pinpoint the location of the Iranian president with the degree of accuracy required to launch an intercontinental ballistic weasel at him. The US fears the media fallout that would occur if their ICBWs landed amongst the civilian population.

Scott is weird (still)

Scott:
*roflwswdhp*

Amber:
Scott - stop being weird

Scott:
what's weird about "rolls on floor laughing while stuffing weasels down his pants"?

Scott revisits goats

Amber:
But a question for Scott... what, exactly, would be the difference between 'goat' and 'superlatively goat'?

Scott:
I guess that would just be an iconic goat, a goat of such supreme goatness that it embodies the very idea of what a goat is. it'd be like a greek god of goats.

Scott talks of suckage

Amber:
Guess who's on reception ALL DAY today and can't get away from the desk to buy breakfast (or coffee)? I love my life. I really do

Rebecca:
that does indeed suck

James:
Brimming over with the suck. Indeed, the suck is pooling around the base of it.

Scott:
"can i have someone with a mop and bucket to aisle 6 please, suck spillage needs mopping"

Scott and the French waiter shark - Part II

'The French Waiter Shark vs. The Beanikin': now there's a straight-to-DVD movie if ever there was one

Scott gets into the Easter confectionery a little too soon

Amber:
You're full of crap.

Scott:
I'm full of egg.

Scott likes Lance Henriksen

I just love his voice - it's like listening to gravel

Scott and the French waiter shark - Part I

My French waiter shark can take on your Wham! any day

Scott finds pleasure in the small things

My pants are all warm

Scott is a child of the technological age

I was going to fire up the computer and check it out... but do you mind if I use your bedroom window to see what the weather looks like?

Scott is tired

Your brain-deadedness is affecting me this morning.
Afternoon.
Whatever.
SHUT UP.

Scott resents a bad joke

You know I'm going to have to drown you in that bowl now

Scott is fascinated by a nose

Look at it. It just.... glows with hugeness

Scott is not a fan of piggybanks from Ikea

If those things were in my bathroom... I'd never get undressed again

Scott and astrology

because the moon was in the house of gingerbread and thus the stars had aligned in my favour.

Scott finds out this blog has been listed on StumbleUpon

i hate you. i have moved beyond hating you with sporks or goats. i don't know what rating of hate i've reached right now, but its probably up somewhere around hating you with roller-skate wearing rocket-propelled uber-goats in mickey mouse hats.

Scott creates extruded fantasy product

James:
[fantasy name 1], a young [peasant occupation] in the kingdom of [fantasy place name 1], has his world turned upside down when he discovers that he is the heir of [fantasy name 2], a legendary [heroic occupation]. This awakens incredible [powers / skills / magic] in him, which is immediately put to the test, as [fantasy name 2]'s ancient enemy [fantasy bad guy name] and his army of [fantasy monsters] converge on [fantasy place name 1] to destroy the heir and steal the throne. Can [fantasy name 1] survive a perilous journey to [fantasy place name 2] in order to find the [powerful item] that will save both him and his kingdom?

Scott:
Plastos the Barge, a young meatsmith in the kingdom of Scumdar, has his world turned upside down when he discovers that he is the heir of Ivan the Crapulent, a legendary wig warrior. This awakens incredible hair summoning powers in him, which is immediately put to the test, as Ivan's ancient enemy Inflatable Lord Bruce and his army of rabbit-dragons converge on Castle Scumdar to destroy the heir and steal the throne. Can Plastos the Barge survive a perilous journey to the Lost City of Bugger-em in order to find the golden wig of the screaming pygmy god that will save both him and his kingdom?

Scott invents meaning

Amber:
my boss has failed to notice that the word 'country' has an 'o' in it. this is unfortunate.

Also, apparently I'm 'doing grat work' on the China files.

I'm not sure what that is exactly, but it doesn't sound comfortable

Scott:
Grat is the basement filing goblin they employ and she's telling you that you're doing all his work. If you're not careful he'll get upset and come after you with his Club of Unavoidable Paperwork

Scott and foxes

Scott:
I was speaking, of course, of the Mongolian Desert Pouting Fox.

James:
"Awww, the rabbit got away..." *pout*

Scott:
indeed. also known for its hunting technique of attaching its lips to its prey and attempting to suck its face off

Scott likes reasons

Rebecca:
how does you know?

Scott:
because

Rebecca:
that's one of them non-reasons

Scott:
its a fine reason. see how it shines. see how it shows off its fantastic plumage to the female reasons.

Scott claims normality

Rebecca:
Do you think that Scott is normal?

James:
Urm.
No.
But normal is boring.

Rebecca:
he thinks he's normal

James:
*laugh*
No.

Rebecca:
well he does think it, and he keeps stating so

James:
Yes, just like all the delusional schizophrenics who are assured of their perfect sanity.

Rebecca:
I'll tell him that shall I?

James:
Sure. :)

Scott:
Pfft, James is hardly an expert on normality. I mock his judgements, laugh at his thought processes and debase his bonsais.

Scott and sporks

Scott:
I'll kill you with sporks!

Rebecca:
Do I get to keep the sporks that are impaled in me?

Scott:
Yes

Rebecca:
In that case, I'd like 6

Scott:
I was thinking hundreds. I'll turn you into a sporkupine!

Scott hates Rebecca

I hate you with sporks.

Scott thinks that "blogworthy" is a funny word

blogworthy...... I dunno, that word always conjures images of bogan redneck males talking about women.... you know, the whole, "phwooor, check out the (insert various female body parts) on that! now that's what i call blogworthy"

or maybe its just me.

Scott discusses bandits

In news just to hand, the ratanaphong bandit has struck again. Locals expressed suprise an alarm when discovering their missing ratanaphongs had been stolen and are asking why anyone would want to steal them in the first place. Unfortunately noone was able to give a good description of the missing ratanaphongs other than vague mutterings of "well, it was kinda.... this big.... and had, you know, those things on top.... the twirly things.... um.... oh, and it was blue.... or maybe green.... definitely a colour". Police have expressed little chance of catching said bandit.

Scott takes a stand

James:
Bec says "I'm cute - do stuff for me" and it works.

Scott:
well i for one rebel! i have been oppressed for far too long!

Rebecca:
sure you do... in your dreams

Scott:
down with totalatarist cutism!

Rebecca:
I get what I want, why is this a problem?

Scott:
the masses demand their voices be heard! the masses will not be used for cheap cutist gratification anymore!

Rebecca:
like hell... now go and do stuff for me

Scott:
never! we withdraw our services!

Rebecca:
Are you speaking for everyone?

Scott:
indeed

Scott spouts food propaganda

Rebecca:
Yay for food!

Scott:
it wins again!

Rebecca:
thank goodness for that

Scott:
another stirring victory for food in the never ending war against hungriness

Rebecca:
who will know when the next battle will take place?

Scott:
who can say, but one thing is for certain; food will be ready to take up the cause and fight the good fight once more

Scott talks about the Bicentennial Fireworks

Group hugs in the hot dog van line

Scott is popular

Rebecca:
You're both really weird... and all that weirdness can't be blogged :(

James:
I don't get a blog. I'm just as weird as Scott, but not as marketable.

Scott:
Victory is mine!

I'm now sold in 135 countries and have been banned in a further 20 as a significant mental health hazard, and in one case as a sin against God.

Scott needs help

I'd rather have a beard than sex

Scott revisits cheese

Rebecca:
"power word cheese"

Scott:
hold cheese

Rebecca:
you're a funny man

Scott:
i don't have enough levels to wield a vorpal cheese yet

Rebecca:
oh, that's very tragic

Scott:
yes indeed. and you don't ever wan't me casting 'resurrect cheese'

Rebecca:
ew

Scott:
yes, very

Rebecca:
blue vein cheese with extra ew

Scott:
*pictures cheese scientists*
damn it Johnson, we need more ew! this batch will be a complete failure unless you get me more ew!

Scott has language

Scott:
bah. i feel bad about saying this, but not only does this colleague (who is working here temporarily while someone is on maternity leave) have a classical witch's hooked nose, but she wears WAY too much makeup and perfume. The smell makes me ill when she walks past.

Rebecca:
tell her you are scent sensitive and find the amount of perfume she wears makes you feel ill

Scott:
I wonder if there's anyway i can get her to say "i'll get you my pretty and your little dog too"?

mmmm....i think i'm going to hell for that thought. i take it back.

Rebecca:
well there is... write it down on a post-it-note and stick it on her desk. She'll probably read it out loud before looking around the room for who wrote it... and perhaps not even understanding where its from. Make sure you disguise your handwriting though

Scott:
no, i refuse. even if she has the honker of a witch and wear's enough makeup to safely protect the underside of the shuttle during re-entry that doesn't make her a bad person

Scott:
and in the meantime i shall learn how to us apostrophes.

Rebecca:

an excellent idea

Scott:
and also how to type.

Rebecca:
you're asking a bit much aren't you?

Scott:
clearyl

Rebecca:
let's start small

Scott:
mmm cheese

Rebecca:
well I was thinking apostrophes

Scott:
but i can't eat apostrophes, or have melted ones on toast

Rebecca:
did we say you could?

Scott's latest comment on this blog

may that blog make all those that read it suffer a painful death by a

million screaming knife wielding pygmies.

Scott has nooks and crannies

Rebecca:
*laugh* Yay for nooks and crannies
What crannies do men have anyway?

Scott:
oh, the usual ones.

Rebecca:
be more specific

Scott:
you demand cranny specificity?

Rebecca:
I demand a map or at least a good description

Scott:
no, my crannies shall remain mysterious.

Rebecca:
why?

Scott:
because there be dragons

Rebecca:
you can fit dragons into your crannies? Now I am intrigued

Scott:
i have amazing crannies

Rebecca:
evidently

Scott:
Lonely Planet wrote a guide book about them

Rebecca:
What did they call this book?

Scott:
the Rough Guide to Scott's Intriguing Crannies.

Rebecca:
and where would I buy a copy?

Scott:
Any bad book shop should have one.

Rebecca:
so you won't tell me about your crannies, but everyone else knows?

Scott:
ah the mysteries of life.

Scott is sane

I am cheese weasel! I wear a crownly wheel of cheese! Virgins shall be sacrificed in my giant fondu!

Scott loves training

God forgive me but this presenter looks so like a hot air balloon. I keep expecting him to float up to the ceiling.

Scott is random

Insert tab A into slot B and shake vigorously

Scott does not enjoy his training course

If the rest of the course goes as slowly as this morning I will either explode or mutate into a giant enraged radioactive beaver and destroy Tokyo

Scott the mad scientist

Its alive! *cackles* Take that society of mad scientists, you who told me the monster would never rise from its bed! You have all been proved to be the hacks you always were! Now cower as I unleash the beast upon you all!

Scott has a day off

Scott:
i don't have to work this friday. yay me! *does happy lazy friday dance*

Michelle:
*throws large heavy object at Scott*

Scott:
*scott's dancing produces unpredictable and random gyrations, thus making targetting impossible. its almost as if he breaks the laws of physics.*

Michelle:
*sets Scotty onto Scott to stop him breaking the laws of physics*

James:
-2 to hit, -4 to AC

Scott might have a pope hat

Scott:
because i shy, my pope hats are not for publicness

Rebecca:
I wasn't asking if you were going to wear it publically

Scott:
hmmm, i read that as pubically first

Rebecca:
and you say *I* have a one track mind.
You could wear it pubically too if you like

Scott:
no, that would be disturbing.
"look! my willy is the pope! yay pope willy the 3rd!"

Scott and the private sector

Rebecca:
I've worked as a public servant for too long. These things matter little to us and the private sector is a whole new world

Scott:
Private sector? Is that the bit on the map that says here be dragons?

Rebecca:
yeah that one... I might stray there in the future and set off to bravely explore where few have explored before

Scott:
Eeek! Don't forget to wear your special private sector chainmail underwear when you do.

Scott on being blogged today

Rebecca:
you're having fun making me go and blog you lots today aren't you?

Scott:
I've given up fighting it, attempting to stop your evil is like trying to empty the pacific ocean using a straw :P

Scott provides some definitions of the term "bah"

"you're wrong"
"don't make me laugh"
"maroon and purple ARE the same colour"
"i find your hypothesis doubtful"

and

"an alternative political system based on the behaviour of african elephants is not feasible at this point in time."

Scott is a public servant

Scott:
and it would appear i haven't had any sick leave without medical certificates this year. i been good.

Rebecca:
so be "sick" sometime

Scott:
possibly. when i not El Juaning

Rebecca:
don't let El Juaning stop you

Scott:
*strikes pose* i have responsibilities and obligations! my duty is to remain at the helm even as the ship sinks!

Rebecca:
hello... you're a public servant

Scott:
a servant of the public! i shall set a shining example of servitude!

Scott and evil chicken overlords

James:

Krap Karate does not work on chickens.*

* Nor, as it happens, on anything else

Scott:

Hehe. I just had a mental picture of an evil chicken overlord, dressed in evil overlord uniform, sneering down at cartoon superhero and declaring "Krap Karate does not work on chickens". Then he unleashes the giant robot chicken army of doom.

Scott is sexy

Rebecca: Scott will strip for me!

Scott: No, I strip for myself. Da-da-daaa... Oooh! I turn myself on!

Scott bans Christmas

The Department has determined that your claims for Christmas do not engage Australia's public holiday obligations and as a result your Christmas has been refused. Please note you have 28 days from the date of this letter to appeal to the Christmas Review Tribunal or to depart Christmas and find a new holiday altogether. Failure to do either by the date specified may result in your detention in a Public Holiday Detention Centre.

Scott on road building

Rebecca:
I'm only pretending to be here while I answer a bloody long survey... why did I have to be randomly selected?

James:
Have you ever used a theodolite before?

Rebecca:
What is a theodolite again?

James:
A theodolite is that telescope-on-a-tripod thing surveyors use.

Scott:
"Arrrrr", said the surveyor, "this be a fine place to build road. Fetch me pirate road building wenches!"

Scott writes songs about porridge

*sung to the the tune of the whitlam's "no aphrodisiac"*

Porridge for you in the kitchen
we're not having toast anymore
gotta eat it up quickly
or i'll give it away to the homeless and poor

There's no breakfast cereal like porridge-ness
as it drips off the spoon and goes gloop.

Scott writes to James's (now ex) boss

*stomps over to James' office*

Hi Andrew

I'm concerned about the lack of direction and instruction you've been providing James [surname]. The inability to provide him with information is not grounds to then complain about the quality of the work he produces, and I would fully expect you to improve in that regard. Additionally I find your lack of consideration for his personal situation to be appalling. With respect I think you should take your head out of your arse and allow me to kick said arse repeatedly with my big boots of stompy arse kicking. Failure to respond to this notice will imply consent to the arse kicking. Responding to this notice will also imply consent. You're screwed either way.

Cheers
Scott

Scott has special cheese powers

Rebecca:
the cheese fiend

Scott:
demonic and all-powerful

Rebecca:
oooh mysterious cheese powers

Scott:
yes. summon cheese, hold cheese. power word cheese. speak to cheese.

Scott's childhood illustrations

pictures of near-stick figure men with prominent nipples wearing top hats while swimming. a lovely picture of our dog at the time levitating outside the house with the wonderfully evocative description "my dog goes up and down". an easter card for my mother with a cowboy riding a dinosaur while a volcano explodes in the background all under the joyful motto "easter is dead. happy easter."

Scott on breasts

Rebecca:
that's why a whole lot of cross over things look bad on me. I don't have generic sized breasts

Scott:
i find the concept of generic breasts amusing

Scott on afternoon

pfft, you call this an afternoon? when i were a lad we had REAL afternoons, afternoons you couild sink your teeth into. you don't get those sort of afternoons anymore.

Scott is simple

Scott:
nah, i simple. cut me open and analyse my DNA and the chromosomes will spell "simple"

Rebecca:
Don't tempt me

Scott:
you and what army, puny human?

Rebecca:
Me and myself and I. I don't need an army bigger than that. If you so simple, you will crumble before my complication

Scott on being blogged

i hate you all and hope you get attacked by rabid mongooses. mongeese. mongooosi. whatever.

Scott and initiative

Scott:

*rolls eyes*

Rebecca:

and?

Scott:

I rolled a 9

Rebecca:

Well done you won initiative

Scott:

i attack with +3 flaming Paddle of Enforced Correction

Scott wins

Rebecca:

I nicely evil

Scott:

in the same way that Stalin was humourously vindictive

Rebecca:

that's no fair

Scott:

but you have dictatorial ambitions

Rebecca:

this is very true

Scott:

so the comparison is valid. i have now won the debate and will bask in my own glory.

Amber:

I hope you have a mirror or something, then

Rebecca:

and a big one at that

Scott:

indeed, for my glory is big. huge even.

Scott on his own sexiness and applying for a promotion

Michelle:

poor Scott - you'll have to rely on getting the answers right rather than coasting through on your looks...

Scott:

well I guess I'm in trouble now...

Rebecca:

well you can always not do it and just transfer into the city as an APS 6

Scott:

but $350 extra a fortnight is nice.

And as good as my looks are I don't think I can ask for a supplementary 'hotness' bonus from the department to match that extra money.

Scott and logic

If I have no idea what you're talking about then what you're talking about is completely illogical. If I had an idea of what you were talking about then world would operate in a completely illogical way I could expect my car to explode in a shower of chickens next time I put the key in the ignition.

Scott might go to a party

I guess I could wander along if I happened to be floating around your neck of the woods on that night, and I think the chances of me floating around your neck of the woods that night might well be high.

Scott complaining about the topics of this blog... already

did she pick my essay on the subjective nature of the writings of Camus? of course not. what about my dissertation on the similarities between the early writings of Jack Kerouac and the works of pre-raphaelite nuns with big bottoms? of course not. she chose a weird one.

Scott on James being excited to have received email from Rebecca

Becmail. Like Gmail but every email you write ends up being about elephants no matter what you initially start writing. By and large it has not proved to be as popular as Gmail, except amongst elephant trainers and pachyderm keepers at zoos

Scott doesn't aimlessly rant

Scott: yes but I am not some aimless ranter. My rants have subtlety and detail. Nay, even delicacy!

Scott on careers

Amber:
I want a livelihood based on Scott being weird.
I'd never have to work again.

Rebecca:
I keep telling him to be a comedian

Scott:
yes, but you're notoriously bad at picking careers for people :P

Rebecca:
And what evidence do you base that on?

Scott:
the fact that you told Adolf Hitler he'd be best suited as the breeder of rare ornamental chickens.

Rebecca:
well I was right. If he'd just followed my advice imagine where we'd all be now

Scott:
what, you mean facing an unstoppable army of fascist Storm Chickens? Being fired upon by tanks armed with pneumatic chicken cannons?

Rebecca:
that's the thing, chickens aren't unstoppable.... and you can cook the remains

Scott:
armoured fascist chickens. in tanks.

Rebecca:
pre-roasted chickens after you firebomb them
and who cares if they are fascist or not?

Scott:
the other chickens they are oppressing care

Rebecca:
I think chickens count for little in this world

Scott:
But not to Adolf Hitler, ornamental chicken breeder

Scott decides between bed and computers

James:
This morning's topic of discussion: Computers - Threat or Menace?

Scott:
Um...seeing as its gently drawing me into the world of the awake and I have to say....I really should move this machine further away from my bed..... mmmmmmm, bed.....

Scott critiques Michael Bay

James:
I love big Hollywood movies. They give everyone hope.

Even hopelessly incompetent people can make millions!

Scott:
But before you can make the millions you need implants.

James:

Michael Bay has breast implants?????

Scott:
Yes, he needs them to think with. Thus the quality of his movies.

Scott's geek defences

Scott:
*puts anti-geek defense girdle on* Its ok, I'm safe now

Rebecca:
How rude... and those only work on uber geeks... and there are none of those here.

Besides, if you are a geek, you can't wear an anti-geek defense girdle... it says so in the item description.

James:
You would try to put it on and it would fly off and out the window.

Scott:
Won't be the first time a girdle's exited my house at high velocity.

Michelle:
I thought this conversation was supposed to be rated "g"

Scott:
Yes, "g" for girdle.

Michelle:
*shakes head* - I should know better, shouldn't I?

Scott:
don't mind me, i'm just looking to torment people before my next 2 and a half hour long meeting at 2

Michelle:
oh well, you can amuse yourself by thinking about girdles, I guess...

Scott:

Girldes on overweigfht middle-aged pony-tailed programmers.....

*has violent convulsions*

Scott's heir

Rebecca:
Americans are smart smart people.

"Oh, you mean we shouldn't fight a war on two fronts while looking for others? This is a bad idea?"

James:
Only the heir to the throne of the Kingdom of Idiot fights a war on twelve fronts...

Scott:
I have an heir? No one told me

Scott leaps lecherously

Amber:
just look what happens to the conversation when i leave you lot alone for a little while... tsk tsk.

James:
Bah. I'm a man. It's my job to make crass sexual comment.

Right now I am practicing my lecherous leering.

*leers lecherously*

Scott:
Well if you're doing that I'll practice my lecherous leaping