Scott's Captured Lunacies That Just Won't Die

Scott mourns the death of his special spreadsheet

2011-12-09T09:43:00.001+11:00

Scott:
I am in love with a tentacled starbeast called G'runtleth'up that compels me to worship it and offer sacrifices to it of my own free will and has nothing to do with the ethereal ichor tentacle it has plunged into my brain. All will love G'runtleth'up and die!

Michelle:
you're still all cut up about the tragic death of your spreadsheet, aren't you?

Scott:
Its clone just doesn't feel the same. Oh sure, it looks the same and does the same things and works just as well....but it doesn't feel the same. Its a Midwich cuckoo spreadsheet.

Scott explains Moron

2011-08-29T15:56:00.001+10:00

After discussing James's ability to speak Moron...

James: "Hi, yes, its about the email you just sent out, can you explain it a bit more clearly please?"
IT Support: "Whut?"
James: "*sighs* Email sending you me has no smart. Means whut whut?"
IT Support: "Ugh. Email says you no have magic thinking box gogo. Me fix!"
James: "Why magic thinking box has no gogo?"
IT Support: "Baaaad juju. Sacrifice for magic thinking box sky god! Must have squiggle!"
James: "Whut whut squiggle?"
IT Support: "Squiggle! On paper! Say 'you for have magic thinking box working now, is ok!'"
James: "Oh, so if I sign the form then I can get access to the software?"
IT Support: "Whut?"

Scott wants his colleagues to go away

2011-08-18T11:56:00.000+10:00

Ok, enough of this. If you're an investigator and you can't investigate our own systems to get the information you need then its probably time you looked for a job more suited to your skills. Like maybe as a street light.

Investigator: "I can't find any records for this business!"
Me: "Really? I searched [records management system] and there's over a hundred records in there."
Investigaor: "I can't find any of them! You're lying!"
Me: *sends screendump* "Look. 134 records found just using a simple name search. Could be more if you do some more complex searches."
Investigator: "Oh. Well. I can't find the person linked to the business in [client management system]! It doesn't exist!"
Me: *sighs* "Run an address search on the business. Have a look at the names that turn up linked to that address."
Investigator: "I don't really know how to do address searches."
Me: "Oh look, they're replacing a street light outside. Why don't you go down and pretend to be one?"
Investigator: "Yaaay! I'm a street light! Woowoowoo!"

Scott's work email gets to be too much

2011-08-12T09:44:00.001+10:00

Tempted to put the following automated reply on my work email to cope with the huge torrent of incoming emails. Perhaps it will reduce the flood:
"Your email has been waylaid by pirate marmosets who are demanding a ransom before they release it. I consider their price too steep. Negotiations are expected to be long. Do not expect a quick reply to your email. Do not try calling me to obtain progress regarding the pirate marmoset negotiations as they have seized that as well and have figured out how to throw faeces down the phone line. Do you want phone faeces? I didn't think so. Do not attempt come to my desk either, for they watch it constantly with their beady little marmoset eyes and will react with extreme violence. Do not anger the marmosets. We live in dangerous times. Fear the wrath of the pirate marmoset."

Scott writes a job ad

2011-07-22T16:25:00.000+10:00

"The weasel uprising has begun; do you have the elite cheese skills to compete and win in a world overrun by weasels? We are looking for an experienced mustelid wrangler, with at least 5 years experience as a pasta burgler and with knowledge of IT systems such as Spork+, WangMountain, and Unix BeardOS. We are offering an enticing remuneration package with target-based bonuses of peculiar proportions. If you fit the bill (note: weasels do not have bills) forward your CV to our automated response bot for consideration."

Scott is having a bad day

2011-07-22T12:06:00.002+10:00

Rebecca: I'm certainly not going to spend my time at work until just before Nigel's birthday dinner... so thought it'd be nice to go to a pub or cafe somewhere... and have a drink or two before dinner. Elephant and Wheelbarrow at 5pm good for people?

Scott: I may be there as early as 3:30 depending how the rest of this day goes. You can drag me to dinner if I've drunk myself under the table by then.

Rebecca: So, having a fun day then Scott darling?

Scott: It started as a barrel of monkeys. Then the monkeys died. Then the barrel started to smell. Then the dead monkey residue leaked from the barrel into the water supply for the nearby orphanage and all the orphans died rather horribly.

Scott does not has

2011-05-24T14:38:00.002+10:00

Excitable employee: "Look! Look! We has found a frauds! Yay! We can has investigate!"
Me: "Hmmmm....no, you cannot has."
Excitable employee: "Cannot has?? But, but....is frauds!"
Me: "Cannot has. Is lame frauds. Is unimportant frauds. Has better things to do."
Excitable employee: *pouty face*

Scott writes a letter

2011-02-10T15:27:00.000+11:00

Dear Ms Arse-Marmot,

Thank you for your ignorant screed of 08/02/2011. Had you chosen a boyfriend without a criminal history longer than Shane Warne's love letters to himself and the intelligence of a festering arse boil, you wouldn't be facing the prospect of the love of your wasted life having his arse kicked all the way back to Ireland, but you did so sucks be to you. Seriously, did he honestly think he could get away with it? Have you drunken goat fondlers not heard of facial recognition software? Pah. Get off my damn rug and take your noxious oozings with you.

Love and cheeriness
Mr F&$k You With Goats
Dept of Monkeys

Scott and text fields

2010-12-20T11:36:00.001+11:00

After a discussion about text fields in Access:

Scott:
A text field is where letters are grown. When they eventualy ripen they're harvested by the farmers, stored in letter silos and eventually shipped to publishing houses for distribution.

Scott finds out what else James doesn't want to do

2010-10-04T11:11:00.002+11:00

James: (after being away from his usual day job for 4 weeks)
*pout*

*pout pout pout*

Don't wanna.

Scott:
Don't wanna what? Bungee from the top of the Eiffel tower using Burt reynold's moustache as a bungee cord? Dance naked in front of the offices of the Young Liberals to Warrant's "Cherry Pie"? Sail a boat made from love, toilet rolls and koalas to Whitsunday Island where you'll establish an artist's retreat that will one day give birth to the "Rampant Bollocks" movement? Slide down the Matterhorn using a singing Gordon Brown as a toboggan? Regurgitate a fully grown walrus in your manager's office which will then proceed to read the weather reports for Marrakesh for the last 500 years? Entertain the Pope for a day using nothing but a rubber band, a banana and a very flexible assistant? Bracchiate through the houses of parliament while being chased by a small hunting party in pith helmets that want to arrest you for aggravated assault with a battery powered chicken? Train orcas to tapdance? Insert live tapioca puddings into the ears of a news reporter while they're live on air? Approach strangers on the street
and ask them to donate their nose hair for scientific experimentation?

James:
Well, those, and coming back to work.

Scott:
Oh. Personally I actually want to do all those things I listed. I should take some leave.

Scott complains about cold toes

2010-07-21T09:29:00.001+10:00

Rebecca:
Scott and James cry when I put my feet on them in winter

Scott:
They be ice. Icy toes of frozen death

James:
ICY DEATH TOES!!! ATTACKING MY BITS WITHOUT MERCY!!!

Scott:
"You're listening to the drive time commute show and that was Icey Death Toes with their new single 'Numb Bits Drop Off'."

James:
Coming up next, it's the Frozen Scrotes with their brand new hit "Aaargh Get Away From Me".

Scott writes a story

2010-06-02T15:31:00.003+10:00

Scott:
Gah. There's this new fantasy novel out called Tome of the Undergates by Sam Sykes, and I keep seeing it in bookshops and mentioned in blogs and every time I see it I misread it as "Tome of the Undergraduates".

I think my title would make for a much more interesting book

James:
Excerpt...

Skarek felt his rage blossom into something powerful and dangerous, a thrumming current, like an unseen rush of water felt through a stone wall. "Oh yes," he muttered, "my rage makes me powerful." A glow filled the edges of his vision, a dull orange pulse. He felt as if a forest fire were raging at his back. He turned to his nemesis, that fool Belosuk, and spoke with a voice like thunder, like hammers on anvils, like the groan of the earth itself.

"Do the f--king dishes NOW, Bel!" Skarek reached forth, effortless, extending only a single finger, and Belosuk's bong vanished into vapour.

"Jesus, Ska!" Belosuk shouted. "I'd just packed the cone!"

Scott:
As Derek approached the lair of the beast he could feel the fear begin to rise in him. Wozza had returned from here half the man he had been and what happened to Boz was the subject of much whispered conjection in the mead halls of the campus. "They say only his uggboots were found!" "I heard someone found his head in the Great Refectory, still wearing his fedora!" "The Librarians took him! They took him and buried his corpse in a place no one ever goes: the Welsh Philosophy stacks!"

Nervously fingering the talisman the witchwoman had given him, he took a nervous step down the darkening hall. With each step his heart beat faster; with each step the urge to flee screaming out into the night became stronger. His feet became heavier as he walked, the air thickened with scents emanting from the dread portal of the lair: marijuana, tweed and, underneath it all, blood. The stench filled his head 'til he thought it would burst, yet at the very moment when he thought he could take no more he found himself standing before the portal itself. The portal of death and madness.

Swallowing compulsively, he knocked once a pushed it open revealing hell.

Textbooks piled on textbooks disappeared in great towers beyond his ability to see them. The dirt compacted floor was riven with great cracks from which roaring flames burst, while hanging from the walls on hooks where the still writhing forms of undergraduates that had not submitted their papers on time. Dominating it all was great desk, stained with blood and scored with the marks of a thousand knives, while upon on it teetering in great heaps were back issues of the Green Left Weekly. And there, behind the desk, was the object of his quest.

It sat wreathed in smoke and darkness, an indistinct form possibly that of a man and possibly of something much, much worse. It watched him, waiting.

"Um" squeaked Derek. "Um....I would like to ask, uh, to ask....for an extension."

For moment there was no response. For a moment there was a flicker of hope, then with guttural growl the beast of shadow leapt at him. Before he could react, before he even had time to piss himself in fear, he found himself pinned to the ground, a great taloned hand clasped around his neck, the beast's indistinct face pressed close to his. The growling grew worse.

Clutching his talisman even tighter with his free hand he brought it between the beast and himself. "Please" he gasped, "I have a note from my doctor..."

The growling stopped. There was a pause in which Derek was sure his beating heart was the only sound in the world. Then a slit split the beast's formless head where its mouth would be and revealed rows of shiny, needle sharp teeth in the cruel parody of a smile.

"Well then" said the beast in a voice that made his bowels somersault "let's see what we can do for you, Mr Derek...."

Scott has a menagerie

2010-05-16T13:12:00.000+10:00

After bitching about inconsiderate colleagues

Scott:
I hope you yelled at them

Rebecca:
and then stabbed them to death

James:
...and fed their remains to that judge on Masterchef.

Scott:
...and in turn fed that judge to a herd of ravenous barracudamice.

James:
The bumblebeaver is the world's busiest animal, it is true, but the little-known and yet widely-feared barracudamouse takes the record for being the world's hungriest.

[And then from a discussion about food]

Rebecca:
over peppering is bad

James:
Too much pepper might make the barracudamice sneeze, and then there'd be chunks flying everywhere at near-sonic speeds.

[and then back to the main silliness]

Scott:
The world's strangest animal, however, is without a doubt the creampiethon. This rarely seen ambush predator drapes itself in coils around its prey and smothers it in cream.

James:
We could do millions of these...

The piguana, and its miniature breed, the guinea piguana...

Rhinocerodents, which infest your walls and leave holes in the skirting boards the size of Kombi vans...

The spocktopus, a deeply logical creature with green blood, also the only animal other than humans able to raise one eyebrow...

The squidiot - a pale soft-bodied human which loves to get into political arguments it can never win; it escapes without having to
admit defeat by ejecting a cloud of ink and running away...

Scott:
The ballpointpenguin, which write stern letters to the editor when threatened by carnivores...

Fryingpanthers, reknowned for their culinary skills...

Motorcyclops, the leather clad hoon of Greek legend...

The paraleagle, the only raptor with understanding of criminal law, often seen defending other raptors in mammal-murder cases...

Scott needs weird

2010-05-04T22:10:00.001+10:00

Rebecca:
essential? You need your weird?

Scott:
You know the old adage: a weirdo a day keeps the baleful psychotic dwarf from lurking under the desk and chewing my PC cables.

Scott likes computer products

2010-04-29T22:11:00.003+10:00

Rebecca:
I have a new email address

And using Lotus Notes again is the suck.

Scott:
As an official IBM employee you're not allowed to say that. Remember, Lotus Notes is a fully featured data recording and manipulating tool that can be tailored to meet the specific requirements of each work place, provided that the specific requirements were developed by a goat sniffing lunatic with a Barry Manilow obssession.

"Have you tried using our Lotus Notes software?"
"Yes, and it blows."
"Ah, that would have been the old version! I think you'll find our latest release meets all your needs and then some!"
"Yes, but only if I'm an insane one armed gerbil herder that only travels by pogostick and writes long diatribes to national newspapers about aliens, lizard people, mind control rays and how the US government will be replaced by a race of sentient spoons that will enforce mandatory accordion ownership."
"Ok, yes, fair point, but if you are that one armed gerbil herder think how wonderfully Lotus Notes will organise your diatribes!"
"I am going to stab you now."

Nadia:
And do you get a computer to go with it?

Scott:
Silly, of course not! This is IBM, only customers get computers. Staff have to make do with a monkey, a chisel and a stone tablet. Staff used to chisel their own emails but that was seen to be an OH&S issue, so now every IBM staffer gets their own macaque to chisel emails dictated to them. Its quite efficient and only approx 25% of emails end up being about poo flinging.

James:
I initially read that as "staff used to chisel their own entrails".

I was momentarily disturbed.

Scott:
Mmmm auto-extispicy.

Nadia:
Mmm spicy entrails. Pulverized entrail empanadas anyone?

Scott:
There's absolutely no way in hell I'll be able to explain to my staff why I'm giggling at my desk right now. They'll think I've gone insane.

Scott has sinus goblins

2010-04-29T22:01:00.002+10:00

Scott:
Its like there's goblins in my head making noises

James:
Fetch me a kebab skewer and I'll get rid of the goblins for you.

Scott:
I fear for my brain. Specifically I fear my brain being stabbed due to your overly enthusiastic sinus goblin skewering.

Michelle:
you two are being very disturbing again!

Scott:
But you haven't heard the song about it yet

Michelle:
sing it for me at lunch...

James:
I think it goes:

See the little goblin
See his little feet
And his little toes-y-woes
Isn't the goblin sw- AAARGH!!! GET THAT SKEWER OUT OF MY NOSE!!!

Scott:
Oh I am a sinus goblin and a I sail the sinus seas!
With my trusty sinus spoon I fill your sinuses with peas!

James:
Sounds a bit like a sinus pirate...

Scott:
You've not seen the jolly roger sticking out of my left nostril?

Scott is hungry

2010-01-15T15:11:00.007+11:00

Scott:
Verily, thy cries of nom flounce 'round mine ears and lo! multitudinous voices of avarice awaken. Arise, arise ye lords of nom and descend upon thine tasty morsels, gathered from lands divine. Possessed, I nom and nom and nom again, til belly's cravings ended be.

Rebecca:
Scott you is blogged

Scott:
Slain! Oh for your mighty blog has pierced mine form of spazz. Hark, can thy ears not hear the coldness? It comes swiftly, on tainted wings of sporks. I die! *dies*

James:
Me thinks thy protestations and feign'd expiration of mortality art over-acted. Verily, thy performance in its entirety doth reek of ham.

Nadia:
Alas! Poor Scott. We knew him quite well,

Though what he'd say next, you never could tell.
The world may be quieter now he's sloughed off this shell.
But we'll be laughing again when we see him in hell.

Scott:
Thy porcine insults doth smack of jealousy! Begone, foul fiend, I spork at you with all my fury! *repeated sporking*

James:
Knave! Varlet! Blackguard! Stale omelette 'pon which a goat hath shat! I have at thee with runcible spoon in hand, thou reader of Dan Brown!

Scott:
You dare?! Thou would dares't hurl Dan Brown upon my face?? I curse thee that thou may'st spend until the end of a days a character born from the pen of Stephenie Meyer!

James:
Thou doth wound me, sir! Verily, I hath but no resemblance to the grim yet sparkling literary regurgitations of that crazed latter day loon, whilst thou wilt surely be played by Tom Hanks in the movie version.

Scott:
Aye, for that's as may be, but beware Lord Sparkles for hath the witches on the hill not foretold in rhyme so crap that thine ownself would be played by Hayden Christiansen in a beard so false.

Scott and his penis

2009-10-02T22:06:00.000+10:00

Scott:
A purring penis would be disturbing.

Rebecca:
Yes, like... "Ah, what's that? Oh, its Scott's contented penis"

Scott:
And that's not a phrase I want to hear very often. Though "Scott's contented penis" would be a good name for a band.

Rebecca:
Well maybe "contented penis" remove the "Scott"

Scott:
No, it has to be "Scott's contented penis". If you can have "Butthole Surfers" you can have "Scott's contented penis"

Scott on James's excel goodness with dwarves

2009-09-09T19:42:00.003+10:00

James:
It needs to be said sometimes: damn I'm good.

After years of wondering I finally applied myself to working out how to make a column in an Excel spreadsheet automatically number itself so that a print-out will have row numbers, and have those row numbers appear automatically when new rows are added and (most importantly) not break when a row is deleted.

It took me ten minutes. I suppose I just got lucky on the Google searches and Excel help searches.

Amusingly, my solution is much better than Microsoft's official one, which breaks when you insert or delete rows in the middle of the list.

So yeah, I rock. I am Captain Excel!

Scott:
Indeed, you are an excel god. Which means, of course, I'm going to pester you even more with inane questions.

James:
I can tell you how to automatically number rows. :D

Scott:
Which i actually need to know since I've been tasked with revising the monster spreadsheet I built for the cancellations team 2 years ago

Michelle:
see - there is a purpose to James going off and learning things about Excel

Scott:
Indeedle. Now can he tell me why the previous updater of my once glorious spreadsheet decided to obscene things to it?

James:
Foetal alcohol syndrome?

Michelle:
whoever it was was an idiot

Scott:
Correct! A winner is you! George, what prize is our lucky contestant winning tonight?

Thank you Alfred, tonight's lucky winner a small psychotic angry dwarf that will stare balefully at him from under his desk while he works and occasionally bite his PC power cable.

James:
I'll come back next week and see if I can win something that won't cause nightmares.

Michelle:
I knew we couldn't keep you off dwarves for long

Scott:
I'm going to turn it into an internet meme

James:
It will be huge, and dwarf all others...

Scott:
*canned audience laughter* Well you can certainly try but we all know how likely that's going to happen on Shub-Niggurath's Wheel of Soul Destroying Torment, Australia's favourite quiz show!

James:
"AAAAAaaaAAAAaAAArgh!!! Oh god make it stop! Make it stoooooop!!!"
"...is that your final answer?"

Scott and dwarves

2009-09-09T19:37:00.002+10:00

Scott:
Can we have a new PA please? Our current one is a sucky dwarven prima donna.

James:
You and psychotics dwarves. It getting to become a habit.

Scott:
I can give it up any time I like.

James:
Don't make me stage an intervention...

Scott:
I'm not addicted to psychotic dwarves! I just need them from time to time to get by, you know how it is...

James:
It'll get to a point where you need one or two dwarves just to wake up in the morning. Next you'll be going to the horse races just to follow the jockeys around. You're on a downward spiral!

Scott:
I only need one or two psychotic dwarves to get me started in the morning. Sure, I may occasionally need a another one round my midday, but I need psychotic dwarves to keep me on top of the game. They keep me sharp and in control. Hell, with the stresses people face in the cut throat world of bureuacracy I'm not the only one doing a little angry dwarf from time to time!

James:
I hope you're at least using clean dwarves and not sharing them with others. You can pick up all sorts of nasty bugs doing that.

Scott:
I only share my dwarves with people I know

Michelle:
I now has a nice clean desk, with no clutter, no junk and no dust - however, I will soon have to move around to my new desk (once Rachael packs up), and unpack all my junk and return to chaos

Scott:
And dwarves, don't forget those.

Michelle:
how could I forget the dwarves?

Scott:
You could if you had the shakes from psychotic dwarf withdrawal.

James:
Remember the Dwarven Alamo!

Michelle:
*throttles James*

puhlease - no bad dwarf jokes...

Scott:
What about good dwarf jokes?

Michelle:
there are any?

James:
Why did the dwarf cross the road?

The torment Scott for its own nefarious purposes.

Scott:
*Knock knock*.
"Who's there?"
"Psychotic dwarf."
"Psychodatic dwarf whoarrrrgggh!!!" *squelchy stabbing sounds*

Scott attempts to quit his gym membership

2009-07-22T16:23:00.001+10:00

Scott:
And so the tortuous, kafka-esque process of having my Fitness First membership cancelled has begun...

James:
"Hi, I'd like to cancel my membership. My account number is 3588201-"
"No! You are Number 6!"
"Uh... okay... well, anyway, my name is Scott-"
"Your name is Number 6!"
"Look, I just want to cancel my membership."
"You wish to leave us, Number 6?"
"Um... could I talk to someone else?"
"No! You will deal with me!"
"Okay, if you won't escalate to a supervisor, I'm going to make a complaint. What's your name?"
"I am the New Number 2."
"..."
"..."
"...you're called Number 2?"
"Yes."
"Kind of drew the short straw on that one, didn't you?"

Scott:
Apparently I must speak personally to a Customer Service Manager, a fabled beast which apparently does not exist, or at least does not have easy access to a phone. Its possible the phone has been placed at the top of a very tall mountain and the Customer Service Manager must climb said mountain using only their wits, a spork and a narcolpetic angora rabbit as a pack animal as some kind of test of their commitment to being a Quality Customer Service Manager of Quality.

Yay, she made it to the top of the mountain and there was still enough movement in her near-frozen fingers to operate the phone! And apparently enough movement in her lips to be able to tell me that Fitness First requires 4 weeks notice of a cancellation and they'll still bill me twice more before the cancellation comes into effect. Apparently I should also be grateful that this means I can still use the gym for the next 4 weeks.

James:
She should be grateful for your foot up her arse.

Scott goes to see Transformers

2009-07-03T10:09:00.001+10:00

I could just see myself in the audience, I'd be like a confused old man.

"Wait, what's happening? Who's that guy?"
"Scott, that's one of the Cheesicons, remember from earlier?
"But why's he look like the other guy?"
"He doesn't, look you can see the tiny cheese head logo on his chest plate. The other robot's got the little goat head icon."
"Which bits the chest plate? I can't tell if I'm looking at the back or the front! Why won't someone tell me what's happening?! Wait, are we in Egypt now? I thought we were in Paris. Why does Paris have pyramids?"

Scott writes a farewell speech...

2009-07-01T16:13:00.002+10:00

Um. I have to prepare a 'certificate of appreciation' for one of my staff who's decided to take VR, detailing her work history and the sort of person she is. Only, she's been on long term sick leave for about 2 years now (ongoing cancer treatment) and I've never actually supervised her, nor even met her. This will be interesting.

"[Departing staff member] may or may not have been an excellent employee with a distinguished/appalling career in [insert department of choice]. I have known this staff member for zero years and can personally attest to her amazing ability to do many unspecified things. It is with great sadness that we wave farewell to her and we know that the hole left by her permanent absence will undoubtedly be greater than the hole left by her temporary absence."

Scott is a poet...

2009-06-16T10:10:00.001+10:00

Rebecca:
Clearly your train being a tad late didn't matter too much

James:
Does any of it matter in the great scheme of things?
*drinks absinthe*
*writes dreary poetry*

Scott:
Greyness pervades my everlasting soul.
Death! Blackness and death!
I am but porridge in the bowl of truth;
your spoon is cold.

Scott and his arse moles

2009-06-14T21:15:00.002+10:00

Argh! I don't want cthuluesque arse moles!

Scott visits Nigeria...

2009-05-29T14:40:00.002+10:00

Hello!!!11!!!

My name is Nkware Gamba, I am a Prince of the royal house of Gabon, and I urgently need your help to transfer $10millllion dollars out of my country!!11!!eleventy!!!

If you are kind enough to assist me, I shall be pleased to pay you a fee of $50000 dollarrs Euro!!!1! Please, for this I must have from you some bank details and your name!! Also, your addresS!! Also, your eldest daughter!!! Also, your favourite pop albums from the 1980s!!eleventy!! Also, wooden boat not less than 40ft long and not less than 10 feets wide!! Also, a small troupe of performing weasels trained to perform Glengarry Glen Ross!! Also, the secret of fire!! If these things you provide to me I shall be pleased to give you $5000 Euro dollarsss US!!@!!!

Scott and the sea shanties

2009-05-26T13:40:00.001+10:00

Scott:
Its sea shanty time!

ooooooooooooh, I am a public servant
and I sail the bull shit sea!
I wrap things up in bright red tape
and rubber stamp your head with glee!

Michelle:
Fifteen visas on a public servant's desk

Scott:
Thar she blows! Policy whale off the starboard bow!

Michelle:
down among the dead applications...

James:
Oh, I'll file ye letter all right... I'll file it in Davy Jones's Locker...

Scott determines name changes

2009-05-20T15:36:00.000+10:00

"Its says here you wish to change your name from.... Siddie Fartenbarry. Is this correct?"
"Yes."
"And that you wish to change it to.... Brassiere Hyperconundrum."
"Yes."
"You don't consider your choice of name unusual?"
"Compared to Fartenbarry?"
"Point taken. This request is approved."

Scott is a philosophical humanist...

2009-05-20T12:04:00.000+10:00

Rebecca:
I couldn't work with her, she's nuts as far as I am concerned.

Scott:
And not in the entertaining "lets build a giant robot to take over the world" kind of nuts either.

James:
Which I find extremely disappointing.

Scott:
There's not enough of the kind of nuts around these days, everyone's always so serious when they go crazy now.

Rebecca:
I WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Where are my giant robots?

Scott:
You've managed to encompass the entire human condition into that one question.

Scott suffers a warp core breach...

2009-05-13T13:25:00.004+10:00

So [co-worker] calls in to say he's sick and is seeing the doctor later today. That's cool. But then he expands...

"I want him to, um, check out these lumps."

*danger, Will Robinson! danger!*

"I think they might be those things, you know, um, haemorrhoids."

*Cap'n, we've taken a direct hit!*

"And well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm thinking they might be responsible for a, uh, smell that kinda... wafts around my desk."

*shields failed, hull breach critical! We're going down!*

"Hehe, sorry, let me know if I've given you too much information."

*Sir, we've a report from sector 9. The SS Enterscott has gone down.
Rescue crews state there are no survivors.*

Scott names a pony...

2009-04-28T10:40:00.002+10:00

[During a discussion about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.]

Rebecca:
I don't think that War's horse would be called War... probably something along the lines of "Crushing hooves of dispair"

Michelle:
probably Spot, unless Mrs War had a hand in naming him, of course

Scott:
It's called George, after George Michael. War is a massive Wham fan.

Scott fences some goods

2009-04-14T22:11:00.002+10:00

Can I interest you in my sharp 'n' shiny wares? Guaranteed perfect for stabbing morons, idiots, nongs, wankers, peabrains, arseholes, noodle noggins, cabbage brains, dickheads, tosspots, f&$@tards and synapse bandits everywhere. You'd pay a fortune for these in any high street store but this is your lucky day as these little beauties have recently fallen off the back of a truck and are looking for a new home.

Scott knows about squirrels...

2009-04-06T13:00:00.000+10:00

[Upon encountering a conversation about football...]

Gah, football. I'm about as excited as squirrel finding an oboe in his horde of nuts. (Its common knowledge that squirrels have high disdain for wind instruments.)

Scott has a superpower...

2009-03-11T15:36:00.003+11:00

Scott:
I was told, "Oh I'm sorry Scott, we just assumed you knew...."
Yes indeed, apparently I am famed for siphoning information out of the ether with my long feather-like feelers attached to my head
*twitches feelers*
Oh my god! Pamela Anderson has been awarded the Nobel prize for chemistry!

James:
I think your feelers need calibrating.

Scott:
*twitches feelers*
yes.....she was awarded the prize for....practical applications of silicon products, specifically in relation to the enlumpenment of the human body

Scott is a car critic...

2009-03-08T19:16:00.001+11:00

[Looking a possible new cars for a friend to buy.]

Corollas are okay. They're well-built. They also mean that you've stopped having sex and you're just waiting to die.

Scott imagines fish

2009-02-25T11:28:00.001+11:00

After discussing this fish

Its socially ostracised by all the other fish.
F1: "Dude, I hope you didn't invite Gary to the party tomorrow..."
F2: "God no. Have you seen his head? Its, like, so gross."
F1: "Tell me about it, you can see, like, everything. It makes me sick just thinking about it."
F2: "Yeah, its....shit man, here he comes."
F3: "Bruce, Barry, wazzuuuuuup?"
F1: "Oh hey Gary."
F3: "So what are you guys up to? What's going down in your world? Yo bros, f'shizzle me rizzle! "
F1: "Nothing much, just waiting for something dead to drift by."
F3: "Yeah? Well I can't be hanging around jerking off with you guys all day, I gotta go find me some hos!"
F1: "See ya."
F2: "...........you know, that whole transparent head thing, I think its just a distraction."
F1: "What, you mean like he's trying to distract us from the fact he's a jerk?"
F2: "Yep. Come on, let's go find some weeds to swim in and out of."

Scott searches for the submersible helpdesk

2009-02-25T11:26:00.000+11:00

"Hey, have you seen the tech support guys? I need some help."
"No, they've disappeared. Seem to have dropped off the sonar altogether."
"Sonar? Don't you mean radar?"
"Not with these guys. Keep an eye out for the periscopes, its the only way to track them but they can be difficult to spot."

Scott writes a letter

2009-02-19T11:25:00.001+11:00

"Dear Secretary,

Your Department sucks. Seriously. It's like a ball bearing factory run by a bunch of hyper caffeinated inbred weasels. The incessant squealing is only drowned out by the sounds of things falling over and breaking. If you don't rein in your horde of furry insanity I'll come after you with a paperclip, some glue and a rubberband and show you just what I learnt from watching MacGyver.

Your sincerely

The Bringer of the End Times"

Scott has James as the Incredible Hulk

2009-02-19T11:21:00.002+11:00

Indeed, James must be like the incredible Hulk tomorrow for the road trip.

"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
"Hulk know, Hulk not care. Hulk driving puny car!"
"Well I can tell you that you were greatly exceeding the speed limit. What do you have to say about that?"
"Hulk smash puny speed limit! Hulk leave puny humans in puny dust!"
"Ok, now I could give you a fine for this. Can you afford a fine?"
"Nooo, Hulk no have pockets in puny shorts, coins all gone. Hulk sad."
"All right then, so I'm going to let you off with a warning this time. Slow down. Next time I won't be so lenient."
"Hulk sorry, Hulk drive puny car like grandmother instead."
"Excellent. I'd also suggest changing your music from Tool to Cliff Richard, its slower and less aggressive."
"GRAAARGHH!! Hulk smash puny policeman!"

Scott writes the snoozy dance

2009-02-17T10:43:00.001+11:00

Now I have the "Safety Dance" song in my head.

"We can snooze if we want to
we can leave your work behind
'cause you need to snooze and if you don't snooze
well you're just going to die."

Scott Newsroom

2009-02-16T16:47:00.000+11:00

"In shocking news today James D stated that the "old MP3 is the audio layer from v2" while apparently of the belief that what he was saying was off the record. World leaders have unanimously expressed shock and outrage at these appalling sentiments and the Vatican press office released a statement at noon stating that the Pope hoped Mr D would burn in media file hell and may his dangly bits be used as shuttlecocks in games of demonic badminton."

Scott investigates corruption

2009-02-16T14:37:00.003+11:00

"Major-General Anderson? I wonder if you could spare me a a few minutes of your time to answer some questions?"
"I'm a very busy man these days you know, but sure. Shoot."
"I'm from the DA's office and I'd like to talk about some money that went missing while you were in charge of it in Iraq. Quite a lot of money actually."
"Nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, son. I did my bit to help rebuild that nation for the greater glory of God himself."
"Yes well, we can't help noticing that the $500 million that was sent your way seemed to just.....disappear."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean there doesn't appear to be any new hospitals or sewers or roads or schools or houses or, well, anything."
"Well you can't just start building from scratch you know. There's plans that need doing, and land to clear, and builders to pay and the like."
"Uh-huh. I can't help noticing that since your retirement from the military that you've built yourself a $500 million dollar mansion."
"Mansion?! Good golly boy, it ain't no mansion! Just a quiet little bungalow for the wife and myself."
"It has 60 bedrooms and an indoor monster truck track."
"Uh...no it doesn't."
"Yes it does."
"No, no, doesn't sound like my house at all"
"We're standing in front of it."
"Uh....no we're not."
"You just walked out of it."
".......well ok, maybe it is my house, but I paid for it and built it out of my own money!"
"You built a $500 million house from your military salary?"
"Sure I did...."
"........how?"
"Well you see its......made from recycled material that we, uh, scrounged from the local community and....garbage dumps."
"You're saying you just found stuff to make your house out of?"
"Uh, yes. Yes indeed!"
"Enough stuff to build a 60 bedroom little bungalow?"
"Uh....sure."
"And furnish it too, of course."
"......all recycled...."
"And you just happened to find a 5ft solid gold statue of yourself carrying a suitcase full of money out of Baghdad, which I can't help noticing appears to be the central item of interest in your front lawn."
"......would you believe it was a gift from a grateful Baghdad populace?"
"No."
"Oh. Listen, maybe we can cut a deal? If you give me, say, $100 million will you turn a blind eye?"
"Wait, are you suggesting I pay you a bribe to keep me from investigating you?"
"Sure, that's how it worked in Iraq!"
"Ok, I think I need to arrest you now before you do something bad, like breed."

"So where did all the construction money go?"
"Well like I said there were plans, equipment...uh....land to be cleared....workers to train and pay...and uh.....other stuff... Catering! We had to buy food for everyone, all the workers. Like.....tuna sandwiches and stuff..."
"You spend $500 million on tuna sandwiches?"
"Well I'm told there were other types of fish too."
"Such as?"
"Um.........salmon? That's a kind of fish, isn't it?"
"So you spent $500 million on tuna and salmon sandwiches to feed a workforce that we've found no record of you actually employing who used equipment you hadn't bought to clear land that didn't need clearing to construct buildings that were never built?"
"Well when you say it like that of course it's going to sound bad!"
"So how should I say it?"
"We spent $500 million on good will gestures! Community outreach programs! Nation building! Social improvement networks! Synergised neighbourhood experincalisation opportunities!"
"Paying your bank account manager."
Paying my bank acc - wait, not that one."

Scott bitches about IT infrastructure

2009-02-12T17:03:00.001+11:00

Rebecca:
OH good god, can we please have a network that isn't outpaced by snails?

Scott:
I was just overtaken by a snail driving a lamborghini. The snail was wearing sunglasses and had a scarf blowing in the wind.

[after a brief discussion about religion]

Purgatory is being stuck with a computer network where apparently individual bits of information are transported through pipes by gerbils with short term memory disorders.

James:
...and you need to appeal to Bill Gates for an indulgence to escape purgatory.

Somewhere in your department an Ent is sitting at a PC, tapping his twig-like fingers on an over-sized desk, and muttering, "Hoom, hom, what the f--k is taking so long, hoom hoom?"

Scott:
He was doing that for a while, but then he died of old age. Since then the squirrels that were living in his branches have had time to evolve a technologically advanced society that remarkably enough does not contain any computers whatsoever. All their calculations are derived from complex manipulation of walnuts.

Scott entertains himself on a Saturday night...

2009-02-12T16:24:00.001+11:00

You laugh at Australia's Funniest Home Videos? I cry. I cry tears of blood for the lost dignity of humanity and the ever-deepening sea of ignorance and despair.
Then I strip naked, grease myself up with warm butter, put a tricorn hat on my head, declare myself Napoleon, Emperor of the Wastelands and Saviour of the Five Cheeses and play Rock Band all night. Ah Saturday nights, you are my sole remaining joy.

Scott is a depraved David Attenborough

2009-01-22T15:26:00.000+11:00

Suckbeast (also known colloquially as the '5 Dollar Sucky-Sucky')

One of the more unusual creatures adventurers might encounter in their travels is the suckbeast. Resembling a small squat, pink elephant on short, stumpy legs with a wide trunk that ends in a pair of extremely large bright red lips, the suckbeast might be a target for mirth if not for its debilitating suck attack. Latching its lips onto any exposed part of the adventure, the suckbeast will proceed to 'suck' the target's life force, forcing an immediate save vs Fortitude - failure will deprive the target of 2d12 hitpoints and render him/her unconcious until the end of the encounter. Fortunately the suckbeast has no other significant attacks and its slow rate of movement combined with a very low AC makes it an easy target. Its sole defence is its "Big Brown Puppy Dog Eyes" ability, which when used forces to the attacker to make a save vs Will, failure resulting in the attacker taking a -2 to hit for the rest of the encounter and engendering huge feelings of guilt in the attacker.

Scott translates jargon for the layman...

2008-11-28T15:04:00.000+11:00

James:
I'm blowing fifty bucks on an extra 2GB of RAM for the gaming rig. 4GB will be MUCH better (though apparently on any 32 bit iteration of windows, no more than 3.25GB or so can be used, and you need to go to 64 bit to go up to 16GB or 32GB or whatever it is).

Scott:
I think i'm going to go up to 4gig when I eventually get round to upgrading my box. I'm still deciding whether to go with Vista or hold on til Windows 7 comes out.

Michelle:
gah
*looks confused*
can you explain the rest of that in nice small words that I can understand

Scott:
In terms of easily understood metaphors: I'm intending to upgrade to a bigger weasel and have still to decide what obedience school to take him to.

Michelle:
ah - thank you, that makes things so much easier to understand

Scott proposes a novel

2008-11-18T15:56:00.000+11:00

"The Branch Meeting of Tomorrow" is a novel set in the near-future where a totalitarian militaristic dictatorship herds all its workers in to bright, spartan meeting rooms for one day every month, in which they are stripped naked, chained to the wall and have squash balls fired at them from pneumatic cannons carried by robots. This is seen by all concerned as quicker and more humane than the previous definition of branch meetings.

Scott gets help writing a CSI episode

2008-11-08T22:14:00.002+11:00

Michelle:
assuming you could find the victim after I'd dismembered them with a coffee mug

Scott:
That'd make a cool CSI episode.

Grissom: "Notice the clean, almost surgical cuts on the severed limbs. This was definitely done with a coffee cup."
Sidekick: "You mean pieces of a broken cup?"
Grissom: "No, a real, whole coffee cup. Nothing quite like an office coffee break."

*cue theme music and shots of unreasonably clean and good looking investigators.*

James:
"The perp's going to be hard to catch. No doubt they've..." *removes sunglasses* "...gone to ground."

Scott:
"The perp should have stuck to his usual decaffeinated instead of....." *removes sunglasses* "....decapitated."

James:
"The victim may have wanted coffee, but this isn't what he wanted when he asked for..." *removes sunglasses* "...a double shot."

Scott:
"Whoever laced this guy's coffee with heroin either didn't know or care that the victim was...." *removes sunglasses* "......smacktose intolerant."

Ow. My brain.

James:
"It looks like the killer deliberately infected the victim's coffee with rabies, so his cappuccino..." *removes sunglasses* "...had extra froth."

Scott and biscuits

2008-09-30T15:58:00.004+10:00

James:
I'm cursing him for taking the last Iced Vovo.

Scott:
No, I took the Iced Volvo. The Iced Vovo developed sentience over night and escaped.

James:
I am a progressive modern man, but one thing I cannot abide is sapience in baked good. Next thing you know they'll be wanting the vote, too, and shipping hordes of their crummy little relatives over
here to steal our jobs and soak up our tea.

Scott:
And then we'll have hordes of single mother biscuits having billions of crumbly offspring and expecting the state to pay for them! We'll be surrounded in delinquent monte carlos, graffitin' our cars and setting fire to our shrubbery!

James:
Who knows where it'll end? Jatz crackers stored in the same tin as Honey Jumbles! Tim Tams with weird, foreign "limited edition flavours"!

Michelle:
more likely animal crackers in our soup

Scott:
And they'll breed with our regular, wholesome, native biscuits! We'll get Scotch Finger Oreos and Kingstons with marshmallow chips and Anzac biscuits with a Turkish Delight filling! Its not right! I didn't fight in two baked goods wars to come home and find that someone's been diddling with my Mixed Assortments!

Scott gives the greatest of gifts...

2008-09-29T11:47:00.004+10:00

"And you, my faithful peon, who stood beside me while all around was flame and ouchiness, to you I give the greatest gift of all!"

"My leige, I am not worthy!"

"I give you this, my short and hairy peasant: a small wheel of elderly cheese!"

"............"

"I see you have been rendered speechless by my magnificent gift, oh unpleasantly fragrant one."

"......cheese? You've given me cheese?"

"Indeed I have, faithful servant of little brain!"

"After everything I did for you? A fucking wheel of cheese? I fought offthe Hordes of Crotchless-Pantied Nether-Demons for you! I led the charge when we raided Castle Ick while you sheltered in a nunnery disguised as a grandmother! I toppled the Great Tower of G'Ath'Ath'Ack'l'Ath, burnt the city of Sleem and razed the temples of Omnommer the Devourer! I slew the great daemon Unchwunter Klebullous the Splatulent! All of this I did for you! And now you give me cheese?!"

"Yes! Truly your deeds make you worthy of this fine small piece of tasty milk curdlings!"

"AAARGH!"

"Argh indeed, my almost-friend, argh indeed!"

Scott's a radio DJ

2008-09-23T12:23:00.000+10:00

[after James complains about the quality of music in his office]

"It's quarter past 10, you're listening to radio 3 Triple Crud and that was Poseur with their new hit "Argh My Brain it Went Sploosh". Coming up next 3 hours of non-stop Nickelback because you requested it! Well actually you didn't but we don't care because the music companies bought everyone at the station ferraris just so we'd play their mass produced tripe. Ha-hah! And now, 40 minutes of screaming obnoxious ads, brought to you by Coke, because we have no soul!"

Scott's Coallition of Concerned Citizens Against James's wrongness

2008-09-10T11:32:00.004+10:00

[James is given a list of things to do, numbered 1, 2, 4, and 5 - item 3 is missing.]

Scott:
Step 3 has been censored by the Coallition of Concerned Citizens Against James' Wrongness.

James:
South Australian Attorney General Michael Atkinson has allowed the release of this censored version of step 3 for Australian audiences:

3) [blacked out] goats [blacked out] big bucket of [blacked out] Amanda Vanstone [blacked out] and will likely never return to its original size.

Scott:
Coalition spokesperson Reginald Twitlock had this to say about today's release of a heavily ensored Step 3:

"While its clear a small number of words have been blacked out by the Attorney General's office, there's still enough there to fill in the blanks! Its an outrage! Wrongness such as this should not be allowed in a decent, god fearing society! If I was in charge we'd burn them all at the stake! Think of the children!"

In response, the media liaison representative from the Wrong James Foundation called Mr Twitlock and the rest of the CCCAJW a "bunch of twats." The Attorney General's office would not comment.

Scott does not think highly of lawyers

2008-08-25T10:11:00.002+10:00

Lawyer #1: "Did you hear that?"
Lawyer #2: "Hear what?"
Lawyer #1: "Sounded like a chilling war cry foretelling our gruesome and bloody end."
Lawyer #2: "Nope, didn't hear that. What'd it sound like?"
Lawyer #1: "Well, kinda like... WRAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
Lawyer #2: "Really? I thought war cries were more along the lines of 'I'll have yer bollocks!'"
Lawyer #1: "Nope, definitely WRAAGGHH."
Lawyer #2: "Fancy that. You learn something new everyday."
Lawyer #1: "Indeed we do, indeed we do. And now, back to behaving like retarded rhesus monkeys on crack."
Lawyer #2: "Eeee! Ooo eeeooo!"
Lawyer #1: "Aaark! Eeeeek!"

Scott discusses track and field

2008-08-22T12:34:00.002+10:00

Michelle:
[referring to the Bobby Pearce duck story]
It's one of those wonderful Australian sportsmanship stories that is right up there with John Landy missing his chance to be the first to break the four minute mile barrier by helping Ron Clarke up .

Scott:
And that of Commander Reginald Pertwee St John Forthington-Smythe breaking the record for the 100 yard "screaming and waving your arms wildly above your head" as he was chased by the natives of the Congo . He's a hero to many sprinters and an inspiration/target for javelin throwers.

Scott fears litigation

2008-08-21T16:16:00.001+10:00

[After learning that his prevous comments about Sydney's train system have been blogged.]

Oh noes! I shall be sued by Sydney's CityRail! I must flee before an exceptionally delayed subpoena turns up at the wrong address!

Scott comments on Sydney's train network

2008-08-21T15:21:00.000+10:00

...not including the 30 minutes it takes to work out Sydney trains' arcane ticketing system.

"Select departure point......select destination.....set peak hour......select adult ticket.....select day of the week......select sex......select shoe size......select lunar cycle......select choice of unnecessary network delays....select favourite cheese......select choice of drug addict to sit next to....select random encounter with choice of poultry...."

Scott re-writes the Famous Five for the modern day

2008-08-20T10:40:00.000+10:00

"Oh I say, Generic Posh English Name Person, why don't we go and find some rather lame mysteries to solve!"
"No, I'd rather stay in bed and spend the day shagging."
"Oh.....um.....that certainly sounds.....interesting. Are you sure you don't want to solve the mystery of Farmer Brown's disappearing sheep?"
"No, not really, shagging will be a lot more fun, but don't let me stop you."

Scott is critical of Channel 7's soccer coverage...

2008-08-08T09:32:00.001+10:00

"And there's this guy kicking a round ball....funny shape for a ball, should be more pointy really, anyway.....and he's kicked it and some other guy has it now, but a guy from the other team has taken it off him and stay tuned after the game for the final episode of our exciting Dancing with Backyard Blitz Biggest Loser Random Foul Mouthed Chefs.....and oh look someone scored when I wasn't watching, but don't worry we'll get a replay of that in 10 minutes or so. And now a 20 minute ad break."

Scott discusses fashion

2008-06-27T09:30:00.003+10:00

Scott:
Friday should be casual codpiece day.
As opposed, you know, to formal codpiece day...

James:
Is a casual codpiece made of denim or something?

Michelle:
no buttons and tie

Scott:
Would that be a codpiece or a posing pouch?

James:
I'm guessing a formal codpiece would have pinstripes.

Michelle:
or pleats

Scott:
With a bowtie attached to it.

James:
And a military full dress codpiece would be red and white with gold piping.

Scott:
With a black rooster feather in it.

Scott writes an action movie

2008-06-23T16:49:00.002+10:00

Michelle:
and I is obviously just a lowly worm

Rebecca:
You not a lowly anything, you a giant!

James:
Now go stomp on Tokyo.

Scott:
"Rawrr!"
*poorly dubbed*
"Oh no! It is Michellezilla! Too many requests for unnecessary stationary orders have mutated her into a giant monster! She will destroy us all!"
"Rawwrr!"
*more poor dubbing*
"Quick you strange person standing there! You must help me fire this emergency chocolate at her! It is our only hopeness!"
*lame cannon sound*
"Rawwwrr! ooooh yum!"

Michelle:
and the way the Michellezilla is going at the moment, the only thing that will placate her is being able to stomp the Brunasaurus into the ground (and then being fed chocolate)

Scott:
Michellezilla will use her secret Death Ray of Fundamentally Wrong Goat Insertion to destroy the Brunasaurus and save us all!

Scott doesn't like warm winter nights

2008-06-10T16:11:00.000+10:00

The weather sucks like a Dyson stuck to a cat's bum. If I don't sleep well tonight I shall mutate into an enraged lizard-beast and stomp all over a scale model of Tokyo.

Scott swears an oath

2008-05-21T15:02:00.000+10:00

"Sweet bagels" sounds like some kind of oath.

"Oh sweet bagels! That dinosaur is eating the President!"

Scott goes hunting

2008-05-21T09:31:00.003+10:00

Scott:
Argh! Its the dreaded McPoutbeast! Jeeves, get my hunting tongs ready!

James:
Dreadfully sorry, sir, but Emily the scullery maid has the tongs, sir. You asked her to polish all the silver, sir, and the hunting tongs were in the silver cabinet.
Sir.

Scott:
Dammit man, I can't let a magnificent beast like that get away! Imagine what its head would like above the fireplace in the manor house? Fetch my grandfather's inlaid hunting spork - it may not be the right tool for the job but I'll be damned if I let this one get away!

James:
*cough* Dreadfully sorry, sir, but the spork is silver, too.
I do, however, have a wooden fighting ladle.

Scott:
What do you make me for, some kind of barbarian? Some kind of working class scum? Some kind of, of, of French person?? No Snodgrass-Wildebeast has ever wielded a ladle in combat and I'll not be the first! Damn your eyes! Next thing you'll be suggesting I stop rogering the kitchen staff on Wednesday afternoons!

Scott and the shiny arsed baboons

2008-05-13T16:08:00.001+10:00

Scott:
their arses shine so much in the wild that large groups can often be mistaken for the lights of villages and towns from a distance.

James:
The Shiny-Arsed Swamp Baboon is reputed to use its shiny arse to lure travellers off the path in treacherous marshlands, and when they are hopelessly lost attempt to sell them Amway products.

Scott:
The Greater Flashing Savannah Hurdler Baboon uses its arse to signal its location to the other members of its troup every time it leaps above grass level. That way the troup is able to coordinate its assault on unwary tourists and force them to buy poorly made, cheesy, crap trinkets that take up far too much space in their luggage on the way home.

James:
The Lesser Eyespotted Baboon from the Aspen region of Utah flashes its bright buttock-mounted eyespots to confuse tourists, who later find themselves holding signed timeshare accommodation contracts that they do not recall having signed.

Scott:
The Alabama Great Posterior Baboon uses its arse as a signal and a warning to other members of its troup that it is moving backwards. Due to the size of its buttocks it is unable to view anything immediately behind it and has thus evolved a flashin arse signal with accompanying beeping sound to warn troup members and thus not accidentally injure or incapacitate them.

Scott forms a committee

2008-05-09T11:33:00.001+10:00

Scott:
This is the headline from hell, guaranteed to kill your brain. The copy editor that came up with this one will probably be smirking for the rest of his life: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7390109.stm

Michelle:
one wonders how the Lesser Tits are getting on...

James:
Last I heard, they were forming a committee.

Scott:
A small committee?

James:
Very small. Itty-bitty, you could say.

Scott:
Which would then nicely lead itself to being called a... Committee for the Study of Climate Change Impact on Avian Species, in Particular the Lesser Tit.

James:
Catchy.

Scott goes to wrongtown express

2008-04-16T10:52:00.000+10:00

Scott:
Aww, but I don't want to have sex with the leader of my cult, the Holy Order of the Enlightened Gnawing Cheese Weasel. He's insane and always dresses like a wheel of blue vein cheese.

James:
As everyone knows, cheese and sex are an unpleasant combination.

Scott:
And how.
"Ahh....wait, what are you doing?"
*somewhat muffled* "Umm....nothing."
"Are you eating some cheese?"
*somewhat muffled* "Um.....no..."
"You are! You're eating cheese! You've brought some cheese into bed and you're eating it off my crotch!"
"No no no, I'm, uh, giving you oral sex."
"I can't believe you brought some cheese into bed and decided to eat it instead of me!"
"What, would you like some?"
"Is it blue vein?"
"Yep!"
"Get out of my bedroom!"

Scott writes a content's page for Rebecca's assignment page... with help from James

2008-04-15T10:23:00.002+10:00

Scott:
Abstract......................................1
Logistics analysis: Florist.............2
Logistics analysis: Bikeshop.........5
Logistics analysis: Thingie...........7
Data Tables................................7
Plans for Global Domination.......7
Conclusion.................................251

James:
Appendix 1 - Diagrams and charts showing that resistance is futile
Appendix 2 - Testimonials from those who recognise the inevitability
of my rise to benevolent dictator of the entire galaxy
Appendix 3 - Photos of me in corsets

Scott plays an adventure

2008-03-17T11:54:00.003+11:00

Michelle:
good experiece for Sean

Scott:
Sean collects 250 XP points! Sean gains a level! Sean has learnt a new spell: Melfrump's Committee of Damacles!

Michelle:
Sean will need it all to battle the dreaded Migration Agent and her Ministerial of Doom

Scott:
Sean has triggered a trap! Sean must make his saving throw vs Infinite Policy Documents!

James:
Oh no! Sean has encountered a Red Tape Golem!

Scott:
Sean casts Hogrump's Greater Teleconference! Red Tape Golem is defeated! Sean gains 25 experience points! Sean has found the Fluorescent Marker of Emphasis!

Melfrump's Committee of Damacles:
When cast the target must immediately make a saving roll vs Bureaucratic Inertia. If the target fails their roll a spectral senior management board of committee will appear above the target's head. Any future decision the target makes, regardless of subject matter, urgency, or whether or not combat is currently taking place, must be approved by the committee before the target is allowed to undertake it. The Committee of Damacles may also provide a completely different decision than that initially proposed by the target. Duration of spell lasts for 2d20 rounds. If target refuses to enact the Committee's decision, duration of spell will be extended 1d4 rounds per refusal.

Scott bitches about scanning software

2008-02-20T15:10:00.000+11:00

yes, secure internet gateway, lets scan everything thoroughly on the BoM weather radar site for hours because, you know, it could be a porn radar.

"And now for today's weather: a large, porn-bearing cloud band stretches across the continent from ex-tropical cyclone Debbie, who recently did Derby. Melbourne can expect occasional light showers of porn throughout the day, with heavy falls overnight. A road weather alert is in force due to possible patches of lubricant."

Scott on love

2008-02-20T11:58:00.001+11:00

Love is contagious, it breeds snugs and snoggles.

Scott on fish

2008-02-20T11:57:00.001+11:00

You've gone to the wrong place for wriggling fish bits. Which begs the question of where the right place would be.

Scott on the work internet server's scanning stuff

2008-02-20T11:54:00.000+11:00

an irritating, annoying pile of wank. a poorly implemented, badly coded, resource hogging, network throttling pile of wank. a pile of wank so enormously huge and wanky that its far, far larger than all previous wanks in the history of wanks on earth combined.

Scott on weird clients

2008-02-07T12:12:00.001+11:00

Scott:
Here's an opening sentence from one of my clients I wasn't expecting:
"I was born with Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, which did not let my penis grow to a full length."

James:
*boggle*
Is he seeking asylum from a nation proud of its large penises?

Scott:
I'm not really sure.....I can't say a great deal of what he's written makes sense. He mentions his penis right at the start and then never goes back to it. Its like "....and so I have a really small penis. Anyway, I think ducks are really funny. Do you like ducks? I like ducks. They go quack and they waddle. Hey, you know what's also cool? Geese. They're like......bigger ducks."

Scott on the concept that Foresty Studies = Tree engineering

2008-02-05T15:10:00.000+11:00

"What can you make with this tree?"
"Well, I could cut it down."
"Besides that I mean. What could you use the material to construct?"
"Well.........I could cut it down."
"No, you're missing the point. This is tree engineering. You can construct something out of the tree or in the tree or using the tree, do you understand?"
"Oooh I see. Sure."
"Ok, so, what can you make with this tree?"
"I could cut it down with a chainsaw instead of an axe."

Scott is a disease

2008-02-05T15:09:00.000+11:00

"Mr Smith, I'm afraid we have some bad news. You've got Spazziloscottus Morbidii."
"Oh my god! Is it fatal?"
"I'm afraid so, yes. But on the plus side it'll make you very cute and you'll have a ball...."
"That doesn't sound too bad."
"....up until the time your skull exploads due to the massively swollen goat that is currently growing in your brain."
"Erk."

Scott channels a lawyer

2008-02-05T11:04:00.001+11:00

"Fools! You know not what terrors you will leash upon us all if you do not heed my advice!"
"What, you think the wording's wrong?"
"Plagues of locusts! Boiling seas! Rains of fish! Lobsters driving cars! Gangs of nuns roaming the streets! Puppies eating children! Flying pandas! Earthquakes! Giant steaming eleph-"
"All right, we'll change the damn wording!"
"Excellent. Here's my bill."

Scott's book of monsters

2008-02-01T15:21:00.000+11:00

The Monster Book of Monster Spotting has this to say about the McPoutbeast:

"Famed for its ability to cry and run away when confronted, the McPoutbeast is, as its names suggests, all pouting lips, sad puppy dog eyes and waving tentacles. It is a common misconception that this beast does not have legs at all, but on closer examination it can be seen to perambulate on anywhere between 16 and 32 stumpy legs. However, as they are ridiculously undersized and its lips are enormously over-sized, they can be hard to spot. Bizarrely, the beast does not seem to have anything that could be described as a "body" - the legs appear to attach to the underside of the lips and the famous puppy dog eyes and eyebrows afix to the top of the lips. It is postulated that there must be a core behind the lips that contains all the bodily organs, but no one has ever been able to peer far enough around the lips to see it. The "Mc" part of its name can be attributed to the fact that it appears to have a Scottish accent, though this has been disputed by a minority of monster spotters."

Scott gets into spam advertising

2008-02-01T14:45:00.000+11:00

"Are you content with your penis?"
"Well, yeah. Sure."
"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T BE!!! IF YOU CAN'T LOG A SCANDINAVIAN FOREST WITH IT THEN ITS NOT BIG ENOUGH! IF ITS NOT ERECT FOR 10 HOURS A DAY THEN YOU'RE NOT A MAN!! IF ITS NOT AS HARD AS F--CKING STEEL THEN ITS A F--CKING 2-MINUTE NOODLE!! YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FIT IT IN YOUR PANTS!! YOU SHOULD BE HAVING TOUBLE SITTING DOWN!! YOU SHOULD BE MOSES PARTING THE SEAS WITH YOUR DICK!! YOU SHOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR HAVING A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS WHEN YOU SWIM!! YOU SHOULD BE CARVING F--CKING GLACIAL VALLEYS WITH IT AS YOU WALK!! IF ITS NOT CASTING A SHADOW ON THE TAIPEI-101 TOWER WHEN YOU LIE ON YOUR BACK THEN YOU'RE A F--CKING GIRL!!
"But....but, my girlfriend likes it and she says - "
"BUT NOTHING!! BUY THE F--CKING PILLS!!"

I so should get into spam advertising.

Scott and zombie blogging

2008-01-30T13:30:00.000+11:00

"Hi and welcome to today's edition of TechWatch. In the past few years we've witnessed the rise of the blog from being the repository for the bad poetry of emo-afflicted teenagers to a genuine news source that is challenging the old world beacons of Tv, radio and newspapers. One of the latest news-related blogs and the one that has been getting the most attention is 'The Graaaaawwhhh... Report'. Written by 'The Trilby-ed Zombie', the blog has been regularly scooping most of the mainstream media with its accurate and hardhitting journalism, and also run scoops on the recent spate of violent celebrity deaths. It now regularly gets 500,000 hits a day and is clearly a favourite of those seeking a break from mainstream news sources.

However, The Graaaaaawhhh... Report also has its detractors, most notably media mogul Rupert Merkin who, in his own blog, posted the following: 'I mean, what's with you people? Every f--king post is either "Graaaargh" or "Braaaainnnss" or "Gnurrrwwwghh. That's all, nothing else. This is not journalism! The Trilby-ed Zombie did not f--cking scoop us with the Dick Cheney Goat Sex Death Cult story! All he wrote is "Gnnuurrrrghh"! You people are f--cking morons!'

This diatribe has not gone down well with the internet community, who have responded by calling the mogul "mad", "jealous", a "poor loser", "old fashioned and out of touch" and "pwned!". It also lead to a large jump in the blog's audience. Needless to say it appears there's been a seachange in the news industry, and it looks like The Graaaaaawwhhh.... Report will only become bigger with each day."

Scott's zombie American Idol

2008-01-30T11:26:00.000+11:00

"Tonight on American Idol, zombie Bub puts all on the line before the judges with his interpretation of the Beatle's 'Yellow Submarine'!

Zombie Bub: Graaaaaaahhh...

Simon Cowell: Well that was simply the worst thing I've ever heard. I mean it wasn't even singing, it was just moaning, and it wasn't even in time!

Paula Abdul: Shutup Simon! He's a zombie, he's done really well to get here and I for one love him!

Simon: Oh shutup yourself, you silly slag! He's rubbish, you're rubbish, you haven't even got the brains for the zombie to eat, you're....arrrgh! She's set me on fire!"

All this an more on tonight's spellbinding episode of American Idol! Brought to you by Zombie Motors, we put the 'Graaaaahhh....' back into driving!"

Scott is followed by pirates

2008-01-14T14:57:00.001+11:00

I'm sure the boy would prefer not to have a pirate vessel tagging along by his side.

"Hi John, how are............um, is that a pirate ship?"

"Look, just ignore it ok? It just started following me around and it won't go away."

"Ignore it? Its a frggin' pirate ship! Look, its even got pirates on board! AND they're buckling swashes!"

"They're doing it to get attention. Just pretend they aren't there ok? God this is so embarrasing. What am I going to tell mum? There's not enough petfood for them AND the cat and dog at home! LOOK, FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO FOLLOW AROUND, WILL YOU?!"

"Aww....look, now you've made them all sad. Hey, I wonder if they can do any tricks?"

"I don't care, I just want them to go away already."

"Nah, I bet they know all kinds of cool tricks, like.......pillaging and plundering and stealing booty. HEY BOYS, CAN YOU STEAL BOOTY? CAN YA? HUH? HUH? Aw look at them, they're so cute, they're bouncing all around the place in excitement!"

"Damn it Paul, stop encouraging them!"

Scott doesn't like work

2008-01-10T12:02:00.000+11:00

Scott:
how dare a client call me on my first day back at work to discuss his case! Doesn't he know I have no idea about his case and that I can't be arsed looking at it right now?! The rudeness and impertinence of the man!

Rebecca:
Did you explain your displeasure to the client?

Scott:
no, i just sounded like a derelict drunk muttering about babboons spying on me

"Mr Brennan, can I email you my reponse to your letter rather than mailing it by hand?"

"muttermuttersnortmutterdamnbabboons......is'll a consp...a con....a sponcriracy by theguvment.....muttermutter....eyes....wha' me e'rywhere....robot mon'eys!"

Scott on James's wrongness

2008-01-10T11:00:00.000+11:00

The relationship between weasels and the prevalence of ferocious mountain gazebos is not linear but in fact exponential. Eventually the number of weasel/gazebos reaches a steady state of supra-inverted quantum matter that I call "Hurtzberger Prime". The formation of HP matter conculsively proves that I am unable to achieve the same state of wrongness that James is able to.

Scott's wenches

2007-12-12T16:29:00.001+11:00

Amber:
Scott, we should have thrown him a wench

Scott:
I'm all out of emergency wenches, unfortunately.

Amber:
get me a fathom o' wenches! On the double! Yarrrrrrrrr

Scott:
Quick, Timmy's fallen down the well! Throw him the emergency wench!

Amber:
Sarge, I've just been downstairs and our emergency wenches have all mysteriously disappeared. You know we've already talked about this kind of thing.

Scott:
Go search the lockers, Constable, I think you'll find the wenches stuffed inside. The boys have obviously forgotten to put the wenches back in the supply room after use.

Scott the mad scientist

2007-12-12T16:26:00.000+11:00

Amber:
James is alive!

Scott:
Its allive! alive! *cackles* Those fools at the Royal Society said it would never happen, but they were wrong! Muahahahahaha! Today I am a god!

James:
You always were a mite dyslexic, Beauregarde - today you are, in fact, a dog.
Now be a good boy and fetch my slippers.

Scott:
Bark!

Scott speaks LOL cat

2007-12-12T16:22:00.000+11:00

"dear mr bossman,
can I has hometime now, plz?"

"Dear Mr X,
Noooooo, we be taking your visa!! lolz!"

Scott and bureaucracies

2007-11-23T11:58:00.000+11:00

Annoying Person: "I understand you're looking at this case."
Me: "Yes I am"
AP: "I'm preparing a possible sensitive case report for John, though I don't really know who that is, and was wondering if you could give me a briefing on what you've done so far."
Me: "John is my director, I've already briefed him on the case AND given him a possible sensitive case report. You don't need to do one."
AP: "Well that's fine, but I still need to prepare one."
Me: "ITS ALREADY BEEN DONE."
AP: "I understand but I have to keep John informed of the progress of this case."
Me: "He's my director, I'm meeting with him daily."
AP: "Yes but.....sensitive case.....informed.....seeking justification for my existence....bananas are spying on me...."
Me: "Fine, here's the sensitive case report I've written, you can take my name off it and put yours on."
AP: "Thank you, and if you can keep me informed of the case."
Me: "But you're not from this section and it has no impact on you, your director, your section or anything even remotely linked to your putrescent existence!"
AP: "You still need to keep me informed because I am clinically insane and will destroy you and everything you stand for if you don't."
Me: "Fine. Nothing has happened. Nothing will continue to happen for several weeks. I will keep you updated as nothing continues to happen."
AP: "Excellent. Now if you'll excuse me I need to run around the office with my underpants on my head."

I hate the people that work in bureaucracies.

Scott on spork usage

2007-11-22T16:33:00.000+11:00

The spork was favoured by many roman gladiators as their weapon of choice. Fights between dedicated spearmen and sporkmen were something to behold. Pliny the Younger records that the gladiator Sporkus Porcupinius won more than 50 fights with a spork, including a famous fight against a dozen germanic tribesmen, a lion, two tigers, a Persian on a war elepant and a small elderly goat. The Emperor eventually awarded him the Spork of Freedom and he eventually went on to become a respected senator.

Scott's memory

2007-10-31T19:34:00.000+11:00

James:
Yesterday a girl I work with said that one of her uni classmates has a "photogenic memory".

I tried really hard. I promise I did.

Then I pissed myself laughing.

She was a little offended., but I assured her I was laughing at the mental images it generated, not at her being dumb.

Scott:
I hate photogenic memories, they always look so much better in photos than my memory does. My memory always looks like a mad escapee from a hair factory explosion.

Scott's god

2007-10-29T20:09:00.000+11:00

James:
Wait on... is God part of nature, or is he supernatural, not of this earth?

If the latter is true, then god isn't natural and humans should shun God!

Scott:
I do, which is why I worship a small orange called Bert.

James:
Ahhh, peace with you, my brother in Bert.

Rebecca:
Is that the one near Claire's desk that has offerings of confectionary and plastic containers to appease it nearby?

James:
I am glad to hear that you and your colleagues know the correct way to honour the sacred image of Bert.

Scott:
Bert is all-knowing and all-powerful. Fear his citrus wrath!

For verrily did not the prophet Josephin of Mandarin say "thou shalst bringeth unto him an offering of small, useful containers that you shall stack in a great heap until one day when you open the cupboard door and they all fall out on the kitchen floor."

James:
"That day shall be the Sabbath of Bert," didst Josephin decree. "The true believer of bert shalt not engage in forbidden activities on the Sabbath of Bert. For full details of forbidden activities, please consult the Cult of Bert intranet, updated daily."

Scott:
"For shouldst thou undertake a forbidden activity in the presence of the Lord Bert, great shall be his wrath and he shall smite thou from on high, declaring "Pwned!!! Noob! lol!""

Scott is diseased

2007-10-28T16:29:00.000+11:00

Rebecca:
I don't want your diseases

Scott:
Scottness is contagious. Soon you'll all be infected and my evil spazzy plan to take over the world will have come to fruition. Muahahahaahahahaha ooo cheese!

Scott writes a book for Oprah

2007-10-28T16:27:00.000+11:00

Scott:
Not even if I plan to write a book that would appear on Oprah Winfrey's 'Book of the Month Club'?

Rebecca:
You don't want that

Scott:

mmmm....it does tend to make the authors a lot of money....

"Let me tell you about this month's book! This is best book you'll ever read! Its called "How to Love the Man You Love Who Doesn't Love You Loving Him While Learning How to Release Your Inner Strength and Achieving Financial Security and Thinner Thighs in 30 Days!"

Rebecca:
But you wouldn't take it seriously and it'd be a huge laugh... and well its Oprah

Scott:
It'd be fun.

"So tell me Scott, why did you decide to write this book?"
"Let me tell you Opie, if I can call you Opie, I looked at the lazy, incapable, braindead people in your audience and thought to myself "I can screw them over....I mean, I can help them achieve everything they've ever wanted!" and, well, it just flowed on from there. All I've ever wanted to do is to screw...uh, help your audience and I'm glad so many people have learnt so much from buying my book for the exorbitant price its being sold for."

Scott on literature and populist trash

2007-10-28T16:24:00.000+11:00

Literature: books typically featuring little plot, characterisation, or structure but full of vaguely evocative prose hinting at hidden feelings of something or other. typically features a poor orphaned peasant child from a former USSR republic, abused by those around him, who find solace sitting by the village well looking at the clouds and dreaming of the day he can own a shiny new goat of his own.

Populist trash: books typically overloaded with so much plot that they practically leap out and slap you silly. often feature multiple story threads, characters with multiple (and occasionally conflicting) motivational story arcs, bounding leaps of logic, and, best of all, an immense sense of fun and enjoyment.

I like to read stuff that is fun and goes somewhere amazing, or at the very least interesting. i feel both those aspects are somewhat lacking in literature.

Literature:

'The cloud shadows moved over the prone form of Igorovich Kolopsky like the shifting veils of belly dancer, revealing and then hiding tantalising glimpses of his street orphan form. And yet, lost in the liquid haze of memory and the slow burning fire lit by his last hit of morphine, all that occupied his mind's eye was the image of his grandfather's favourite goat...'

Populist Trash:

'Detective Igorina Kolopsky moved like a panther, her black leather military police uniform clinging to her figure like a drunk and his bottle of methylated spirits. Observing the carnage wrought by the latest appearance of vampiric werewolf zombie fiends, she fingered the trigger of her ridiculously powerful handgun and licked her lips, causing the blood pressure to immediately spike in her fellow officers....'

"She moved like an oiled leopard on roller skates, gliding across the room with barely a squeak. He'd been following her for at least 2 hours now and he'd had to admit that she was good. He'd almost lost her in Picadilly Circus, when the moonlight had shone off her tightly leather clad arse and temporarily blinded him, but he'd been saved but a timely cloud and was able to pick up her trail again by following the comatose and drooling men left in her wake."

Scott creates logic

2007-10-23T19:45:00.000+10:00

Scott:
anything is possible.

Rebecca:
hmm, I don't think it is

Scott:
bah! anything! follow quantum theory deep enough and its entirely probably that the universe is populated with chairs. in fact follow the logic deep enough and it becomes almost impossible that its not filled with chairs.

Scott uncovers the kittens' master plan

2007-10-19T15:53:00.001+10:00

Scott:
"Soon, my fuzzy brothers and sisters, soon we will have absorbed the world's supply of cuteness and then we will be able to take over the world! The world shall bow before us, the new fuzzy masters! Muahahahahaha!! But first I need to petted and tickled under the chin."

James:

"Representatives of the United Nations! behold your new leader!"
"Awwwwwww, he's so adorable!"
"Yes, adorable. My unchallenged adorability shall control you. Your wills are now mine."
"Awww, okay kitty kitty. Whatever you say."

Scott on James

2007-10-18T19:08:00.000+10:00

Stock market analysts were taken by surprise today by an intense flurry of trading in Suck shares. Analysts have suggested that much of the activity was the result of the James Corporation making a run on Suck shares through a variety of hedge funds. Chief analyst at the Commonwealth Bank of Australia was reported as saying that "clearly James am teh suck".

Scott's great political wit

2007-10-16T20:15:00.000+10:00

"Good lord Henry! Did you hear the news?? They're claiming Howard is 'aping' George Bush!"
"What?? I will not stand for that at all! Its my duty to write a letter to the editor on behalf of all of us great apes! Are we not intelligent, cultured and possessing of superior social and tool using skills?"
"Indeed, Henry. But don't forget to fling poo at them as well."
"Of course not Richard, one can never forget to fling poo"

Scott imagines a Tasmanian astronaut

2007-10-16T20:11:00.000+10:00

"Congratulations, Commander Mushkin, you are the first Tasmanian to walk inspace!"

"Thank you ground control. Its really amazing out here! The Earth is so very beautiful, I'm moved to give my own tribute."
"Mushkin, this is shuttle commander Johsnon, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I brought along a bottle of champagne to celebrate the moment. It probably got a bit shaken up during liftoff but I'm sure it's still good."
"What?! Were you asleep during the NASA training? Do you have any idea -"
*pop* *woosh*
"*sigh* Ground Control, this is the shuttle Magical Trevor. We have a premature re-entry of one Tasmanian astronaut."

Scott and James discuss the empire

2007-10-16T20:09:00.000+10:00

Scott:
"I say, Sir Reginald, these natives don't seem to be at all keen to become part of the Empire. Perhaps the Royal Society should have embarked on some research before sending us to colonise them?"
"Research. Bottomley? Pah! One does not need research! One simply does! We are men of action, what?! I say....gack!"
"Sir Reginald? Sir? Oh dear. What do you think, Gerald?"
"I think Sir Reginald should have researched how to avoid getting speared in the throat, Sergeant."
"Wise as as ever, Gerald."

James:

"I say, Sir Ramsbottom, this Africa thingummy. It seems to be rather... larger than anticipated."
"Dashed indecent of these fuzzywuzzies, in my opinion, Flatley. Once we've colonised we'll have to trim the place down a bit."
"Yes, that will be splendid, once we've colonised it. For now, though... I hate to be a bother, Sir, but we do only have three days' worth of cucumber and watercress sandwiches. That rather dusky fellow suggested our trip down the Congo may take weeks."
"Good heavens, man! You know what this means?"
"Yes. We'll have to eat the local, ah, cuisine."
"Yes, and me with my gippy tummy."
"The dusky fellow I was speaking to said we should have done some research before coming."
"Research! Gad! The nerve of him! We are Englishmen! If the world does not conform to our uneducated expectations, then that is the world's fault!"

Scott writes medical dramas

2007-10-12T17:41:00.000+10:00

After this story

"Get me a vodka and orange, stat!"
"But doctor, you can't drink in the operating theatre!"
"Dammit! This man's life is in danger! If we don't cure his sobriety in the next few minutes he'll be dead!"